Guilt tripping sports coach - AIBU to be annoyed

[FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop]

DD (9) plays a sport for a local league team. She started a few months ago and training and matches carry on in the summer holidays. We attend all the training and matches we possibly can and even make re-arrangements if I've got plans. But it's the summer holidays now, some weeks she's at her dad's and we have a few staycations booked too. Meaning I, and others, have had to turn down attending these events.

The coach is lovely and I understand he volunteers his time, and I understand the worth of volunteers like him. I know the sport wouldn't operate if he didn't put the effort in. But we are constantly guilt tripped and berated for not attending matches. In the WhatsApp group he always says how disappointed he is, how "this is the third match that hasn't taken place because people can't make it, not really good enough guys" and always talks about what great lengths he's gone to to secure these matches only to cancel them, and how that is a waste of his time.

It's starting to bug me. Like me, other people have plans over the summer and I don't want to teach him how to such eggs but he can't be surprised when people are busy! WIBU to suggest maybe people give him their available dates over the summer and he go form there, rather than finding out after that people can't make it? Or is that really condescending?

Your dd should consider playing in a different club.

Once they’re at a high level, in any sport, training is year round and it’s a ballache for parents when the kids are still young enough to need ferried to and from.

@HarebrightCedarmoon

Also football should bloody definitely stop in the summer. It's cricket season and many girls are good at both.

Yes exactly!

Honestly if I had my parenting time again I'd do no clubs 🤣 kids love being part of them but they're a PITA otherwise

Crazy. Football is a sport you play when it's 4C and raining sideways, it's not a summer sport. I love it, but it shouldn't be allowed as much dominance over other sports and playing it all summer is crazy. Even the male professionals get to go on holiday by the end of July, even if it's a World Cup or European Cup year!

It’s not about the coach, it’s the other kids being disappointed. They don’t get to play the match if there aren’t enough team members.

That's why I'm trying my best to dodge football for my DC. There are other sports that don't have quite the same level of commitment for a local team...

DDs played football in after school clubs but I was secretly quite glad they didn't get too serious when I see parents shivering at the side of pitches when I'm walking the dog. At least dance/gymnastics competitions were inside and I could sit down!

@Micemakingclothes

It’s not about the coach, it’s the other kids being disappointed. They don’t get to play the match if there aren’t enough team members.

Then don't play over the summer

Over the summer, dd’s football coach asks for availability or for us to pencil a match in, and then either confirms or doesn’t, based on whether enough people are around. Which works well.

We also had a conversation about commitment before she signed up, and whether it had to be every match or if there was some flex. So we both know where we stand, which is that there is some flex but with notice and not more than x times in y weeks.

maybe that team isn't right for that coach? If the team as a whole for whatever reason don't want to/can't commit to regular frequent events, which is what it sounds like, then there is obvs an expectation disconnect.....this doesn't make either side wrong but its never going to be a good fit.

@Micemakingclothes

It’s not about the coach, it’s the other kids being disappointed. They don’t get to play the match if there aren’t enough team members.

sorry but families should not be expected to run their lives around "what other kids want"

I'm a kids football manager and we normally have friendlies from the end of the season until school breaks up then we just train until a week or two before the season starts in September as it's just too difficult to field a team over the school holidays.

I would message the coach and tell him your situation then just leave it at that, any other messages he sends after that you can just assume are for others who didn't let him know.

It is massively frustrating when you've arranged a match, booked a ref, sorted out goals etc then at the last minute players start dropping out but I don't think he can really expect people to arrange their lives around football during the summer. While the season is on then yes I definitely expect people to keep their Saturday mornings free as it's a team game they've signed up to but not in the summer.

By the way if you think he is fussing now wait until they go competitive at U12s then if you can't field a full team you have to play with less players or take the loss

sorry but families should not be expected to run their lives around "what other kids want"
Of course they shouldn't, but if the coach actually knew most of his team weren't around then he'd not book fixtures and then have disappointed team members.

If a club is running or a league is running through the summer then the polite and sensible thing to do is to tell the coach in advance if DC aren't available, not say nothing until opportunities are mentioned and then get annoyed when a coach rightly expresses disappointment .

All this shit about being “downgraded to Division 2 which affects our ability to attract talent.” Listen to yourselves! You’re a kids sports team, not fucking Barcelona!

Actually @MasterBeth we have one of our Seniors currently in Tokyo and one of our coaches is head adjudicator for an event in Tokyo. As I said, DS is a member of a high level club, who have produced a number of Olympians, so if you are fortunate to get selected at Junior level to join them, you need to show up or you are very easily replaced.

Of course they shouldn't, but if the coach actually knew most of his team weren't around then he'd not book fixtures and then have disappointed team members.

He uses the app - incidentally my sports team also uses one - he has the ability to 'poll' the squad before he arranges the fixtures.

What he should be doing is setting up games and training sessions months in advance, and asking the squad to set their availability for the coming month or two. He'll then have sufficient visibility over when it's worth arranging a game and when isn't. It won't matter if a couple of people's plans change as he will know about the squad as a whole.

All this shit about being “downgraded to Division 2 which affects our ability to attract talent.” Listen to yourselves! You’re a kids sports team, not fucking Barcelona!

@MasterBeth it isn't shit! It's 100% true, the pressure of having to find new players to replace ones who have left each summer is no joke! Feeling responsible for keeping the team going so the ones remaining still have a team to play for isn't easy but it's much easier in the higher divisions. The coaches are just trying to keep the team going, that's how the teams work, if no one bothered there would be no grassroots football.

@HarebrightCedarmoon there are athletics meets throughout July and August though. DS (and club) ran last Saturday (the 800m in midday sun) and also ran last night at Lee Valley sprints. There are SEAA Championships 21st/22nd August and opens all over the country throughout July and August, as it's peak athletics season. Of course if your club chooses to take some time off for the athletes/parents/coaches to take time off that's a choice, but for DS (and the rest of his club) it's full on twice a week training and competing at least once a week.

But we knew what we were signing up to, when he was offered a place and I think that's the difference - OP (and other parents) have different expectations to the coaches, which is down to mis-communication.

This is why we avoid many local clubs, they are a total fun suck! DS wants to make friends, do sports but some are just a massive over commitment for a child. I’d look for the fun and competitive ones, but who aren’t quite so invested.
We’ve found it hard. Tried local cricket, fun- then it ramped up two trainings a week, wanting matches for U11 and U13 (so sometimes two in a weekend) and travelling. No longer fun!
Gymnastics fun to a level, then squad madness. Enjoyment went. Tennis… fun.. fun… enter zone of mad travelling and all your time gone and nasty behaviour. Athletics, similar. We’ve left more than we’ve stuck out.
Post age 8/9 it became really hard to find the balance of fun and stimulating without getting wrapped up in it starting to take over. DS loves sports, he’s good, but he doesn’t aspire to be a sportsman as a career and he wants to have down time with friends, travel and generally enjoy the opportunities kids have experiencing a range of things. He wants to be fit and healthy, but through lots of fun opportunities rather than serious training. As they get older it seems to be harder to find.
He does have one sport he adores and does commit to, but it really would be nice to access more in a relaxed way just for enjoyment and fitness without adults pushing a lot.

Its off season for football. Yes summer tournaments are fun but any extra friendlies should just be pre season warm ups.

[quote edwinbear]@HarebrightCedarmoon there are athletics meets throughout July and August though. DS (and club) ran last Saturday (the 800m in midday sun) and also ran last night at Lee Valley sprints. There are SEAA Championships 21st/22nd August and opens all over the country throughout July and August, as it's peak athletics season. Of course if your club chooses to take some time off for the athletes/parents/coaches to take time off that's a choice, but for DS (and the rest of his club) it's full on twice a week training and competing at least once a week.

But we knew what we were signing up to, when he was offered a place and I think that's the difference - OP (and other parents) have different expectations to the coaches, which is down to mis-communication.[/quote]
Well, DD2 has only just started competitions this year, they missed loads due to Covid restrictions last year and only started training again relatively recently. There are actually two meetings in August but it's very much optional and they realise people are likely to want to get away if they can.

[quote edwinbear]@HarebrightCedarmoon there are athletics meets throughout July and August though. DS (and club) ran last Saturday (the 800m in midday sun) and also ran last night at Lee Valley sprints. There are SEAA Championships 21st/22nd August and opens all over the country throughout July and August, as it's peak athletics season. Of course if your club chooses to take some time off for the athletes/parents/coaches to take time off that's a choice, but for DS (and the rest of his club) it's full on twice a week training and competing at least once a week.

But we knew what we were signing up to, when he was offered a place and I think that's the difference - OP (and other parents) have different expectations to the coaches, which is down to mis-communication.[/quote]
Athletics is a summer sport
You have your break over winter unless you do xc as well

OP is talking about football though. July/August is not the football season.

With football, (although it's not a sport we're involved in so I'm no expert), I can see that it's off season, so any fixtures should be friendlies, on a best endeavours basis.

Maybe the group message was meant for one or two parents in particular rather than OP.
Having had to suffer through being on a parent committee for a sports club, some parents are both jaw-droppingly demanding AND utterly unreliable and appear to try to be as nasty as possible to/about coaches. Many nightmare ones also don’t bother to pay on time (needing constant prompting and reminding).

However, Ive has the experience of utter commitment expected from recreation-level sports groups too.

It would make better sense to have a meeting to clarify expectations: if attendance at all training/ 90% of sessions is expected then parents need to know before they sign up; equally if it’s s relaxed “come if you can” approach, parents wanting high-level training can look elsewhere.

there are athletics meets throughout July and August though

yes but you can work around them. DS has a club meet in early August, then the SEAA champs you mentioned, then another meet early September and another meet mid September. But that still leaves plenty of time for holidays etc whereas football is every single week and you do expect the summer off.