Guilt tripping sports coach - AIBU to be annoyed

[FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop]

DD (9) plays a sport for a local league team. She started a few months ago and training and matches carry on in the summer holidays. We attend all the training and matches we possibly can and even make re-arrangements if I've got plans. But it's the summer holidays now, some weeks she's at her dad's and we have a few staycations booked too. Meaning I, and others, have had to turn down attending these events.

The coach is lovely and I understand he volunteers his time, and I understand the worth of volunteers like him. I know the sport wouldn't operate if he didn't put the effort in. But we are constantly guilt tripped and berated for not attending matches. In the WhatsApp group he always says how disappointed he is, how "this is the third match that hasn't taken place because people can't make it, not really good enough guys" and always talks about what great lengths he's gone to to secure these matches only to cancel them, and how that is a waste of his time.

It's starting to bug me. Like me, other people have plans over the summer and I don't want to teach him how to such eggs but he can't be surprised when people are busy! WIBU to suggest maybe people give him their available dates over the summer and he go form there, rather than finding out after that people can't make it? Or is that really condescending?

@Coroico97

And how do you think you actually get to BE Barcelona? By coaches putting in hours of effort and kids actually turning up.

No, you are deluded. Even the most hard-working, dedicated, one-eyed, manic, obsessive coach will not transform their team of neighbourhood nine year olds into Barcelona.

The routes into elite sport are through creaming off potential talent and putting them into Olympic/academy training programmes at which point there is a very different conversation to be had about commitment.

This is a nine year old playing sport for fun in a local league. There are stupidly unrealistic expectations of sports coaches about how much commitment a child should put in at this age, especially if you start factoring in kids who want to try different sports. We had it with all of ours - coaches demanding commitment to weekly training one night, matches at weekends, additional cup games at random times and extra training before those “important” games.

Youth sport should mostly be about participation, health and fitness, enjoyment and learning all kinds of skills to take into adult life. Instead, it gets taken over by obsessive sports people living their dreams through their kids, devastated if they “drop into League 2.”

Someone’s got to play in League 2!

As a child of divorced parents, every other weekend contact was the absolute bane of my life once I was old enough to be aware of weekend activities that required regular attendance. Added to the resentment I already had from the messy divorce (contact was pretty dull, sit in house with my brother and other parent, make conversation, eat shit food, maybe play a board game, counting the hours until it ended).

I'd be open with the coach that the main issue is contact with other parent and hope that they are reasonable about it!

In your last post on P1 you write " I might call him and explain which weeks we are away". So clearly you haven't already told him that your daughter is going to be away a lot this summer. If loads of other parents do the same, you're in the situation the coach is in now where he's scheduling activities and nobody's had the courtesy to tell him that their kids aren't going to turn up. No wonder he's frustrated and trying to guilt you. He should be, you've lacked the basic decency to inform him that he's wasting his time.

Most coaches ask for the availability of players a few weeks before the summer so they can plan accordingly. I think if your up front at that point it’s fair enough. If your missing weeks regularly don’t expect a place on the team.

What I really hate is players who turn up when they having nothing better to do and expect to play a full match or be in the starting team, or players who say they will be there and the then drop out last minute.

Team sports do require some consistency to get them playing well together.

YANBU. I've had this with DS's football team. Football isn't a summer game and it's not reasonable to expect families to plan their summer around being available every Saturday morning for matches. However, I gave the coaches DS's summer availability months ago and they ask about availability before scheduling matches. It's annoying when people commit their child to a match and then pull out, but that isn't so in your case.

My kids take part in four different teams or activities. Each of them has a Whatsapp group where the coach sends out a group message about the next couple of weeks activities and asks for a simple thumbs up or thumbs down for who can make it. Get your coach to implement something like that so he'll know what numbers he has for each event.

Put the WhatsApp group on mute so you don’t have to read it

@KrisAkabusi

In your last post on P1 you write " I might call him and explain which weeks we are away". So clearly you haven't already told him that your daughter is going to be away a lot this summer. If loads of other parents do the same, you're in the situation the coach is in now where he's scheduling activities and nobody's had the courtesy to tell him that their kids aren't going to turn up. No wonder he's frustrated and trying to guilt you. He should be, you've lacked the basic decency to inform him that he's wasting his time.

Exactly. Communicate plans to the coach, don’t just not turn up.

I bet its football
We had exactly the same thing. In fact the coach was such a PITA she stopped playing and did something else. Now at 15 she's gone back to it very happily but even regional football aceeots people go on holiday!

For our team sport I organised a fixture list for the entire season. All parents & coaches have access to this well in advance. Covid has made this harder to do, but its still doable & we still need parents to let us know in advance if they will bring their child so we know if we have numbers to play. We are a autumn/winter sport so not so bad.

How much notice are you giving the coach? I'm
not surprised they get pissed off if parents don't tell them until after matches/training sessions are arranged.

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop

Ok I see people's point but these trips were booked way in advance of any matches being scheduled and no I'm not going to cancel our trip to Cornwall for an hour's practice.

I appreciate how shit it must be being the coach, but I do turn up whenever I can and I don't think DD should miss out just because me and her dad have split (training is usually a weekday, she only sees Ex EOW which is why I never sign them up to weekend clubs). I might call him and explain which weeks we are away and if he thinks it is too little of a commitment then I'll find another team for DD

Unfortunately I don’t think this team is right for you in that case. It’s not your fault but it looks like your circumstances don’t allow it. My DD has 2 close friends who compete at a high level in Swimming and it comes first before holidays, sleepovers and anything else. DDs friends are in the pool by 6 every day and are back in the pool by 6 at night, it’s a huge commitment and not one I would choose for my child. They miss out of school trips, holidays and so many things. It’s the only way to reach the level they want to

Im on the fence here. On the one hand coaches are volunteers and it's rubbish when they are taken for granted.

On the other hand it's the summer holidays, people were metaphorically speaking locked away for the first three months of this year, and they want to do things. Coaches should remember that the activity is only one part of a child's life.

Anyway as well as holidays there are a lot of kids isolating at the moment, so it will be hard to get teams together. I officiated at an athletics meeting on Sunday which is usually frenetic with race after race after race, and overruns, but it ran to time with gaps last Sunday as there were fewer athletes than usual.

In my son's athetics club you have to commit to doing 4 events a year. Another local club says 6. That is reasonable and workable around holidays and other commitments.

Football matches every week is less reasonable. And not in the summer holidays, but I know the season has been pushed back because they couldn't play earlier in the year.

No wonder he's frustrated and trying to guilt you. He should be, you've lacked the basic decency to inform him that he's wasting his time.



@KrisAkabusi

Firstly, DD isn't the only person on the team.

Secondly, he never asked anyone to let them know their availability. The team uses an app to let players know of fixtures and training, we just pop on and reply "going" or "not going". Fixtures and training are usually posted on the app with about a week's notice

Thirdly, when DD started I informed him I'm divorced and ex lives 2 hours away so it will be hit and Miss in the holidays if she can make sessions. He was absolutely fine with that

And FWIW I don't only go unless there's "something better to do". I go if we are around, and I've changed things already planned if it's in my power to make sessions. Such as parties (we've left early before to make training), play dates etc

Exactly. Communicate plans to the coach, don’t just not turn up.

@tallduckandhandsome please read my OP properly. I don't "just not turn up".

@Bryonyshcmyony

I bet its football We had exactly the same thing. In fact the coach was such a PITA she stopped playing and did something else. Now at 15 she's gone back to it very happily but even regional football aceeots people go on holiday!

It is football.

@tiredanddangerous

How much notice are you giving the coach? I'm not surprised they get pissed off if parents don't tell them until after matches/training sessions are arranged.

First we hear of matches and training is we get a notification form the app we've signed up to. I go straight in and answer right away

Your set up sounds the same as ours
Not in the sw are you??

@Hoppinggreen I understand for your DD's friends and anyone wanting to pursue a professional swimmmg career absolutely needs that commitment. But this was touted as a bit of fun and a chance to meet other people, compete and bit and for the girls to enjoy themselves. It's not a FIFA academy or similar

There is no point holding amateur athletics competitions at the end of July and August. Our last event was 10th July then there isn't one until September. Also when do the coaches go on holiday? Everyone needs a break. Also on a day like today it's far too hot for a competition, and we've had a lot of warm summers. Autumn and spring-early summer should be the peak times really.

@Bryonyshcmyony

Your set up sounds the same as ours Not in the sw are you??

No, Yorkshire! The app is Heja - great little app and far easier than the coach trying to count thumbs ups!

Although the app may be the problem, my push notifications are turned on so I k ow immediately when a match or training is scheduled but I can't confidently say the same applies to other parents

Also football should bloody definitely stop in the summer. It's cricket season and many girls are good at both.

[quote FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop]@Hoppinggreen I understand for your DD's friends and anyone wanting to pursue a professional swimmmg career absolutely needs that commitment. But this was touted as a bit of fun and a chance to meet other people, compete and bit and for the girls to enjoy themselves. It's not a FIFA academy or similar [/quote]
In which case you’re right, it’s too much

@HarebrightCedarmoon YY - DD played in a match on Saturday just gone and I thought she was gonna pass out in the heat! Went straight home and into the paddling pool!