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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be irritated by this...

32 replies

Keepforgettingtoremember · 22/07/2021 09:16

NC for this because I'm feel a bit embarrassed and unsure of my feelings in the matter.

I'm feeling resentful of DH - but part of me thinks bringing it up will just cause an argument and part of me me thinks I may be being grabby.

But another part of me thinks the principle of the matter stands!

Anyway the issue is...

We recently had a big anniversary. I'm not really a person who is big in to this type of thing. I'm not looking for ostentatious displays etc. Just a thoughtful gift, flowers or a meal.

I try to buy thoughtful gifts but nothing ott. I'm not a millionaire!

Prior to anniversary DH said he would like to buy me something special as it was a big one.

I was very touched at the thoughtful gesture.

But sadly that has what it has remained...a thought. We are now a number of months down the line and I've received nothing.

I'm so pissed off, because I didn't even want anything and he offered and has now done sweet FA, other than make a lovely suggestion.

At this point I feel taken for granted. I have mentioned in passing that nothing has been forthcoming and I get "oh yeah, don't worry I'm looking" Hmm

I feel that if I have to remind him it's not worth having as if feels forced. This is also not an isolated incident. This is pretty much how he is.

He does have a very busy job, but I'm busy too and I manage to remember stuff.

Outside of this we have a lovely life. I want for nothing and he makes it so my life is as easy as possible. Which makes me feel confused about my feelings.

I'm really in a muddle. Any advice gratefully received!

OP posts:
Original poster
Keepforgettingtoremember · 22/07/2021 09:21

SO

YANBU - to expect someone to do something they have said they're going to.

YABU - your life is lovely why expect more

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 22/07/2021 09:23

Is he usually forgetful?

SharpLily · 22/07/2021 09:26

"This is pretty much how he is".

This, I'm afraid. You have understood that this is who your husband is, either accept him as such or sit down and gently explain that you are hurt and why.

OwlinaTree · 22/07/2021 09:26

Send him some links of pieces of jewelry you like etc, give him the hint?

Don't buy him any more gifts for events until the anniversary gift turns up?

Ask for the cash to buy yourself something?

DinosaurDiana · 22/07/2021 09:26

I think he had no intention getting the gift, but he made the offer to make it look like he was thinking about it, like he was making the effort.
I wouldn’t ever mention it again, and accept that that’s the way he is.
Or LTB !

SleepingStandingUp · 22/07/2021 09:28

Whaat did you get him op?

Original poster
Keepforgettingtoremember · 22/07/2021 09:32

I don't thinks he so much forgetful, it's more that everything else (work) is the priority and everything else is secondary.

Saying that though even if he did have less to do I feel like I would still have to remind him to do this type of thing.

I'm very proactive. I just do stuff and then it's done and everyone is happy. He isn't really like this. Chalk and cheese!

OP posts:
Original poster
Keepforgettingtoremember · 22/07/2021 09:33

I think I got him something he actually asked for and a few small items I thought he'd appreciate.

He did get me some small gifts but it's the sticking point of this "special" gift. If he hadn't said anything I'd never have given it a thought!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Keepforgettingtoremember · 22/07/2021 09:36

I'm digging my heels in. No suggestions, no links. No making his life easy. He's a grown man who's been with me for a large part of his life. He can get his bloody finger out!

But I completely see what you're saying and in usual circumstances I'd do as you've Suggested. It's made me mad!

OP posts:
WhoEatsPopTarts · 22/07/2021 09:43

The only person you’re hurting by digging your heels in is you, he can’t read your mind. He probably thinks you’re fine about it, so isn’t intentionally hurting you. Sit him down and tell him that you know he’s busy, but by talking about but not giving you the special gift you’re left feeling unimportant to him. It’s not about the gift per se, but in a busy world it’s become a symbol of how high up his priority list you are. I bet he has no idea, it’s easy in a happy marriage to take each other for granted, in fact there’s some comfort from that at times.

Original poster
Keepforgettingtoremember · 22/07/2021 09:43

As an aside. I feel like we're not going to be able to have a productive discussion about this.

He will be upset that I'm peeved about this.

He will take it as a criticism and feel I'm not being fair as he's working so hard. I'm not in paid employment.

For context he made a very large household purchase recently without batting an eyelid and it's mainly for my benefit. So it's not like he's tight or anything.

Just more a bit thoughtless at times.

Perhaps what's really grating is that I don't feel able to address it without everyone being upset.

OP posts:
Original poster
Keepforgettingtoremember · 22/07/2021 09:44

@WhoEatsPopTarts you're absolutely right

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 22/07/2021 09:53

So he did get you something. Did you like it? Was your gift to him more expensive than in previous years as it’s a significant anniversary? Is this about how much it cost? I’m not sure what special means in this context.

I couldn’t get upset about this. We usually agree in advance whether we’re both feeling a bit flash or are on a budget - this was tiny budget year - or if we’re going to do token gifts but arrange to go out somewhere nice instead. That way expectations are clear and it’s by mutual agreement. I wouldn’t feel comfortable getting a huge present because it was eg 10 years but not giving him a huge one back.

Do you know why you’re fixating on this? It must signify something wider to you but I’m struggling to see what. He remembered the anniversary, you exchanged thoughtful gifts, he’s generous and thoughtful the rest of the year. What’s missing?

Original poster
Keepforgettingtoremember · 22/07/2021 10:01

@AnneLovesGilbert oh yes he did get me something. Apologies info made it sound like I'd received nothing. In my head everyone knows the full story Grin

It's definitely not about cost. It's not about the material things. Which is why I'm confused about my feelings as I'm not at all materialistic.

I think I feel taken for granted. He will take us to beautiful places and gladly pick up the bill etc. But I have to organise it. Book tables, hotels etc.

Tbf it's my "area" if that makes sense but I'm sick of it frankly. Ive told him that. This was an opportunity to do something thoughtful for me and he didn't and I'm really upset about it.

Yesterday he came home with a box of chocolates for me out of the blue and I was so touched. I'm just so stuck in this special gift that never materialised. I'm hurt and it's starting to show

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 22/07/2021 10:07

What sort of thing were you hoping for? Jewellery? A weekend away? A holiday?

Original poster
Keepforgettingtoremember · 22/07/2021 10:17

He mentioned something specific which I would have been happy to receive. You mention it in your list. Sorry I can't to be too specific in case I out myself!

OP posts:
LtDansleg · 22/07/2021 10:18

So he did actually buy you several gifts for your anniversary. He recently made a very expensive purchase for the house for your benefit. He happily takes you to lovely hotels and out for nice meals and always picks up the bill because you don’t work. Plus spontaneously comes home with gifts for you for no reason. And the only thing you have to do is pick and book whichever lovely hotel or restaurant you’d like him to take you to and give him the bill? But you’re sick of it? You sound like a bit of a princess op, if you’ve had enough of him then send him in my direction.

LtDansleg · 22/07/2021 10:18

Actually is this a reverse?

Original poster
Keepforgettingtoremember · 22/07/2021 10:24

@LtDansleg it's not a reverse. I agree with everything you say. And that's how my DH will see it too. Exactly the way you've said it.

I just feel how I feel. I think it's the fact of saying one thing and then doing another

OP posts:
Original poster
Keepforgettingtoremember · 22/07/2021 10:27

@LtDansleg I do work. My contribution is giving up a successful career to care for our small children and enable my DH to pursue his career

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 22/07/2021 10:30

Are you on a position to work op? Even if you don't need the money it could shift the balance of the rut you feel you're in whereby you have to do all the house stuff and he just waves a bank rcard at you

Original poster
Keepforgettingtoremember · 22/07/2021 10:30

I'm also not sick of doing nice things. I'm sick of being the sole organiser of said things.

We're all busy. I'm not the only one with access to the internet.

I'm also happy to pay my own way this isn't a one way street. For special occasions his birthday etc. I've booked and paid for hotels/restaurants, organised childcare.

Why am I the only adult in our house that's able to do that?!

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 22/07/2021 10:30

*paid employment

Original poster
Keepforgettingtoremember · 22/07/2021 10:32

@SleepingStandingUp you've hit the nail on the head. Waving money around isn't thoughtful.

I'll be in a position to work soon hopefully. I do feel like that will make a difference

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 22/07/2021 10:33

[quote Keepforgettingtoremember]@SleepingStandingUp you've hit the nail on the head. Waving money around isn't thoughtful.

I'll be in a position to work soon hopefully. I do feel like that will make a difference [/quote]
It sounds like a thing about love languages. Like he shows you he loves you by buying you whatever you want, but you show him you love him by thinking hard about what makes him happy