Dating whilst living in a housing association flat

[FirstStarToTheRight]

I have just come out of a situation dating someone who has a high earning highfalutin job… the flat is quite new and quite nice, it happens to be in a central area, so I think she assumed I must be quite minted when she saw it… then as we were getting to know each other, she got on her soap box about her disapproval of people who live in council housing .

I was quite taken aback. So I explained the flat she was currently in with me that she happened to be enjoying also happened to be housing association… from there she began to comment on the appearance of my neighbours and that a lot of them happened to be ethnic minorities (very nice neighbours though in my experience).

It wasn’t very long after that she dropped me like a hot potato.

Now I am seeing someone new again, we are getting on so well, however she’s very middleclass, and she also happens to assume I’m rather minted to live so centrally.

I want to mention how I came by this flat but feel rather nervous now, I don’t want the same thing to happen again, neither do I want anyone to assume I’m minted or I’ve not been clear about my circumstances from day one… is this unreasonable?

My brother had similar because he had a very nice HA flat in a posh part of London. He'd just been lucky...it was a beautiful Georgian flat converted from a house. Before that he'd lived in a terrible one in Camden but got a swap because the man wanted to live near his old Mum.

My brother was always open about it and people were generally just "Wow aren't you lucky!" sort of thing.

Anyone who judges is looking for a well off boyfriend and isn't worth worrying about if they're that judgmental. Tell her.

I don't think ownership of your property that needs to be discussed at all really. I don't think I've ever been asked whether I'm renting, mortgaged or outright own my home. Nor am I particularly interested in anyone else's home-owning credentials.That level of financial detail isn't necessary yet. I guess if it comes up in conversation naturally, you be honest and if you are judged harshly for it, you know the relationship wasn't worth pursuing anyway.

Do others who live in a similar set up run into similar situations?

Prior to this I had a years long relationship living together, then was single for a long time, so don’t have much experience of how others react to this in dating situations.

@FortunesFave

My brother had similar because he had a very nice HA flat in a posh part of London. He'd just been lucky...it was a beautiful Georgian flat converted from a house. Before that he'd lived in a terrible one in Camden but got a swap because the man wanted to live near his old Mum.

My brother was always open about it and people were generally just "Wow aren't you lucky!" sort of thing.

Anyone who judges is looking for a well off boyfriend and isn't worth worrying about if they're that judgmental. Tell her.

Great luck for your brother, converted Georgian sounds amazing!

To be honest, I expected a similar reaction to what you mentioned… I am aware there is a some sort of “stigma” to this, but it seems I’ve not run into it yet properly or frequently because of my circumstances. I’ve tended to mix with people who’ve known me for years that are not phased by this.

I really don't think its anyones business tbh. The first woman was a cow and it helped you dodge a bullet, so if you fancy using it in conversation to weed out the gold diggers that can only be a good thing in the long run right?

I rent privately in a lovely part of my city. I pay a reasonable rent though money wise because the flat itself is very very small and not suited to a wide market. I'm currently dating and just not mentioning the second part of that

@Sparklfairy, size isn’t everything, so they say!

The person you were dating before was a twat.

As long as you're not saying your job is something different/you own rather than rent etc, it's none of their business and shouldn't make any difference.

Haha! Its irritating because although a pp said shes never been asked, that's not been my experience at all. Probably 80% even before we've met ask do I live alone/rent/mortgage and I just sigh inwardly because you can tell their ears (or eyes) prick up where i live, and by myself. I'm not minted!

Also dated too many men well into their 30s with well paying jobs but live with mummy and daddy to 'save money for a house'. And then want to spend all their time at mine. Sorry but I've saved a deposit, I just live sensibly. Where I live it can be done so I know they're not at the same stage of life as me.

Youre allowed to be private but also weed out the lovers, its a two way thing.

Or losers even

Surely you wouldn't want a relationship with someone who only was interested in you because they thought you had money and who looked down in ethnic minorities.

For various reasons I have a nice house and have found that a couple of men I've dated have formed completely the wrong idea about me. So far assumptions have been:

• I divorced someone wealthy and got a good settlement
• I have 'family money'
• I earn a lot more than I do

All wrong. I got fed up with it and now steer clear of anyone who shows too much interest in the house. My finances really aren't their business.

It is a bit depressing though. As for the neighbour thing, she just doesn't sound like a nice person.

@Sparklfairy

Haha! Its irritating because although a pp said shes never been asked, that's not been my experience at all. Probably 80% even before we've met ask do I live alone/rent/mortgage and I just sigh inwardly because you can tell their ears (or eyes) prick up where i live, and by myself. I'm not minted!

Also dated too many men well into their 30s with well paying jobs but live with mummy and daddy to 'save money for a house'. And then want to spend all their time at mine. Sorry but I've saved a deposit, I just live sensibly. Where I live it can be done so I know they're not at the same stage of life as me.

Youre allowed to be private but also weed out the lovers, its a two way thing.

I’ve had similar… people want to know if you own, rent, where, and how, even before they’ve properly got to know you. It’s making me feel uneasy and that it’s an issue… whereas before I hadn’t conceptualised it as a proper problematic issue that could really affect things.

Your first mistake was hanging around long enough for that first woman to dump you, after she made those comments.

How do you know that this latest one assumes you're minted? Does it matter at this stage of the relationship? If you get to the point where lives start to enmesh and you're in it for the long term, I'm sure there'll be lots of little ways in which your position will become clear. Where you shop, your car/clothes/other outward signs of wealth, things you say about e.g. saving up for something, or being broke before payday.

@Mintjulia

For various reasons I have a nice house and have found that a couple of men I've dated have formed completely the wrong idea about me. So far assumptions have been:

• I divorced someone wealthy and got a good settlement
• I have 'family money'
• I earn a lot more than I do

All wrong. I got fed up with it and now steer clear of anyone who shows too much interest in the house. My finances really aren't their business.

It is a bit depressing though. As for the neighbour thing, she just doesn't sound like a nice person.

I can relate to all you have mentioned. I wish it were not so.

And yes, it took me time to discover, but she was a rather unkind person as it turned out.

So I find myself a bit bruised and having to think about how I appear to others.

@EccentricaGalumbits

Your first mistake was hanging around long enough for that first woman to dump you, after she made those comments.

How do you know that this latest one assumes you're minted? Does it matter at this stage of the relationship? If you get to the point where lives start to enmesh and you're in it for the long term, I'm sure there'll be lots of little ways in which your position will become clear. Where you shop, your car/clothes/other outward signs of wealth, things you say about e.g. saving up for something, or being broke before payday.

Very true. I feel a little shy about my circumstances at times.

I realised she thought I was minted because she suggested I would get a lot more for my money buying a place in the surrounding counties.

@FirstStarToTheRight

I realised she thought I was minted because she suggested I would get a lot more for my money buying a place in the surrounding counties.

Ah! That probably would have been a good opportunity to laugh it off with something like 'I wish it was mine but I rent it', now if things do progress she may feel you were being a bit dishonest in not correcting her assumption.

@EccentricaGalumbits, the idea of false expectations and unintended misleading is why now I think it should maybe be mentioned as early as possible?

I don’t think you are the one who should be reevaluating how you present. You dodged a bullet with that first one. This one, maybe she’s a better egg

Your previous girlfriend doesn't sound very nice at all, snobbish and racist.

Most people are not snobbish and racist. Lots of people live in rented accommodation, housing associations are good. I don't know where you live but in central London, a HA flat would be considered marvellous! I'm sure it's the same in other cities. It takes time to get onto the housing ladder.

I doubt your new girlfriend will have the same attitude as the last, that really would be bad luck, but tell her early on that you have been very lucky to get a HA flat in that area. I've known a couple of young, professional people who have managed to land one (a surveyor and a health visitor), and they felt as though they had won the lottery! Surely it must be better than a house share, or paying £1200 pcm for a 'dog kennel' sized place; at least you can live a reasonably good life and save for a house deposit.

It's you that matters, your personality and character, not where you live, and it sounds as though where you live is fine.

She may be renting too, probably is. Most people do for when they are young.

Write off your ex, her values are skewed.

I hope all goes well for you now.

People assume I own my house because it "doesn't look like a council house". (It doesn't) It's not on a "council estate", it's in a street full of owned houses. It actually works against me too, people expect that I have money, I dont . If it comes up in light conversation just say you rent. You dont have to explain yourself to anyone. If someone looks down on you for that she isn't the one for you. Materialistic shite gets on my nerves, personally I couldn't give a flying fart what someone does or doesn't have, who they are as a person is far more important.

@Sparklfairy

Haha! Its irritating because although a pp said shes never been asked, that's not been my experience at all. Probably 80% even before we've met ask do I live alone/rent/mortgage and I just sigh inwardly because you can tell their ears (or eyes) prick up where i live, and by myself. I'm not minted!

Also dated too many men well into their 30s with well paying jobs but live with mummy and daddy to 'save money for a house'. And then want to spend all their time at mine. Sorry but I've saved a deposit, I just live sensibly. Where I live it can be done so I know they're not at the same stage of life as me.

Youre allowed to be private but also weed out the lovers, its a two way thing.

I can never believe it when people ask if I own or rent. It's always people I've just met too.

So weird! I'd never ask that...it wouldn't occur to me either. I don't care either way!

[quote FirstStarToTheRight]**@EccentricaGalumbits, the idea of false expectations and unintended misleading is why now I think it should maybe be mentioned as early as possible?[/quote]
This is delightfully Jane Eyre-esque.

"Sir, though your intentions are honorable, it would be remiss of me to allow you to harbour hope of more than a passing acquaintance given the fact that you reside in a COUNCIL HOUSE!"

I live in a nice HA place in an expensive part of London, that isn’t obviously HA. So I have had the issue of dating where guys eyes light up thinking I own it and they’ve hit the jackpot! It just allows me to weed those men out. I don’t think it’s a good sign when people show too much interest in your financial status too early on. I love my house and consider myself very lucky. Due to its location I could never have afforded to buy it.

Hmmmm 🤔