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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to be annoyed by this.

32 replies

JasFlowerr · 21/07/2021 20:52

My partner and I are getting married in a month, and we were just discussing plans the day before the wedding, or something along those lines, then my partner tells me he has planned a game of golf with all of his friends, along with drinks afterwards. The reason I am annoyed is because I asked him if he was going to come and say good night to his 4 year old son before he went out because he obviously won’t be coming home that night, and he replies a firm no! And then I just thought, what about me, there was no consideration of me at all in his plans. Like he just assumed that I don’t have any plans, or shouldn’t have plans, that I’m taking care of our child while he does as he pleases with his friends. Am I being unreasonable here? My plan was to have our son with me on the morning of the wedding so obviously staying at ours, as well as me staying here, but I didn’t realise that it meant my partner could leave around lunch time and we won’t be seeing him until we’re getting married the next day!

OP posts:
Vallmo47 · 21/07/2021 20:55

Not unreasonable of you to be upset at all, he should have considered you when making plans!

Returnoftheowl · 21/07/2021 20:59

That is very inconsiderate of him

DesdemonaDryEyes · 21/07/2021 21:03

Without wanting to piss on your chips, you have a child together, a home together, and you are making a fuss about a wedding 🤷‍♀️

CurryLover55 · 21/07/2021 21:06

That’s not making a fuss!

Hankunamatata · 21/07/2021 21:10

Can see both sides. If your having dc morning of the wedding then he is going to be with you the night before. Plus he is leaving at lunch time not dashing out the door at 8am

EKGEMS · 21/07/2021 21:14

We had our rehearsal dinner night before our wedding for attendants and out of town guests and immediate family members. I'm shocked he hasn't discussed plans with you

Aquamarine1029 · 21/07/2021 21:16

I'm guessing he has form for being a self-absorbed twat.

Highfive2021 · 21/07/2021 21:23

What’s he been like for the other 4 years?

Just10moreminutesplease · 21/07/2021 21:26

Not unreasonable at all. He’s equally responsible for his son.

Gooseberrypies · 21/07/2021 21:28

@DesdemonaDryEyes

Without wanting to piss on your chips, you have a child together, a home together, and you are making a fuss about a wedding 🤷‍♀️
There's no issue with the wedding? Can you read?
Anonymous48 · 21/07/2021 21:29

@DesdemonaDryEyes

Without wanting to piss on your chips, you have a child together, a home together, and you are making a fuss about a wedding 🤷‍♀️
I completely agree.

He should have checked with you, just like any other night, before making plans, because you have a small child together.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 21/07/2021 21:49

Didn't you realise that, in his eyes, by being Mum you are the default parent?
How much of this is true:-
It's your life that has changed by having a child. He can still do exactly what he wants, when he wants because You are looking after and parenting your joint child.
He doesn't think about babysitters for his socialising because you are there.
He doesn't have to make arrangements to go out, because you are there.
He can work extra hours if he wants with no discussion or notice because you are there.
He can be late home for whatever reason because you are there.
He can be selfish because you are there.

Do you ever have a date night that he arranges, including booking babsitters?
When he has a day off, does he just get up, have breakfast, leave the mess & go?
When you have a day off do you do this ^^^?
Or do you get up, sort out the dc, tidy up, put on a wash & then go out?

If this day before wedding selfishness is a one off, he's just forgetting that there's things you will need to do & which would be easier without children in tow and simply not thinking. His mates have said, come on we'll do this, it'll be a laugh & last day of freedom etc. It would annoy me but as a one off, would let it go & make sure you get a fun day off with your friends as well.
If it's his normal behaviour, why are you marrying him?

Original poster
JasFlowerr · 21/07/2021 21:49

@Highfive2021

It’s difficult, he is very loving, however there has been many incidents of selfishness. He definitely puts his own feelings first, and doesn’t like to here any negativity about himself either, even if he is clearly in the wrong. Possibly not this time in some people’s opinion, however I think it is a wrong thing to do. Totally disregarding my feelings and just going a long with what HE wants to do, never mind the fact he has a family! He’s had a weekend stag do away with the same friends so it’s not like he’s had that time with his friends.

OP posts:
Original poster
JasFlowerr · 21/07/2021 21:54

And I don’t disagree with him having a game of golf, or going out. But I thought he’d at least come home from golf for a couple of hours and then go out once our son’s in bed. Our son is going through a difficult phase of being needy before bed too so we’re back and forth about 20 times before he settles! So my partner knows this, is frustrated by this, but doesn’t see an issue with me having to deal with that on my own the night before our wedding.

OP posts:
Whiskycav · 21/07/2021 21:59

So you knew he was going to golf and going out, but you want him home in the middle?

I kind of think that's a bit unreasonable. I get the annoyance at him not telling you. But if I already had plans to be out during the day and evening, I wouldn't go home in-between.

Youdiditanyway · 21/07/2021 22:01

When you have children you mostly have to accept that you don’t get to do everything you want to do anymore. You definitely have to run it past the other parent to make sure they’re ok with the plan first, never assume they will be because therein lies a lifetime of resentment.

He should have run the idea past you first, sounds pretty self absorbed. Sure you want to marry him?

m0therofdragons · 21/07/2021 22:05

So you get ds the night before the wedding and the morning of while he does his own thing? That would be a massive red flag to me but only you know if you want to marry him. I don’t tolerate selfish behaviour but only you can decide where your line is.

AtrociousCircumstance · 21/07/2021 22:08

Selfish douchebag. Childish and entitled.

BackforGood · 21/07/2021 22:14

I think it is a bit unrealistic to expect someone to meet with mates for one activity, then come home for two hours, then go out with same mates, tbh

but

If your dc is 4, is this typical of your dp's behaviour ? In which case why haven't you sorted it out from day one. Or is this out of character ?

DesdemonaDryEyes · 21/07/2021 22:17

@Gooseberrypies

How rude.

vincettenoir · 21/07/2021 22:22

It’s defo annoying that he just mentioned it casually, rather than checking it was ok with you and worked with your plans.

huuskymam · 21/07/2021 22:22

Would he normally make plans without consulting you.

Strugglingtodomybest · 21/07/2021 22:24

I would be really pissed off that my partner hadn't checked that it was ok with me first before going ahead and organising that.

We don't control what each other do at all, and are always going out without each other, but it's good manners surely to check with the other partner first before going ahead and organising something?

FawnFrenchieMum · 21/07/2021 22:30

I think your being ridiculous, your ok with him going to play golf, you want him to stay out the night before the wedding and you want your son on the morning of the wedding but you also want him to come home and do bedtime?! Nah I’m with your husband.

Are you not having your friends / bridesmaids stay over with you? Having a girlie night in?

thenewduchessofhastings · 21/07/2021 22:31

So the day prior to the wedding he's arranged a nice day off for him and his mates (let's hope they aren't all hungover on your wedding day) whilst you get to cover childcare duties and I'm assuming the last minute wedding preparations too.

What an absolute bellend he is.If you want to do something for yourself the day before you'll have to sort childcare.

Did he not have a stag party then?