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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say something to ex about dropping child off dirty.

26 replies

Pablo201 · 21/07/2021 20:40

DS goes to his dad two days a week for childcare and he drops him off at 8.30pm once I finish work (walks him round in the pram as we don't drive) so ds is always fast asleep it's well past his bedtime anyway as he's only 15 months so in an ideal world I lift him from the pram and straight into bed. However, everytime he drops him off his face is still covered in food stains I assume from dinner. He never bothers to change him into pjz always stil in the dirty clothes, his feet are black, hands sticky. AIBU to say this really gets on my nerves would you please clean ur child. I would never pass him over to him in the mess he's comes home in. AIB ocd here? It's more of i have to then wash and bath him hel wake up not want to sleep again as now it's mummy play time and also i find it annoying that he just doesn't even clean him after he eats.
YABU - don't say anything just clean ur child urself
YANBU - as his father he should at least wash or bath him and send him home clean

OP posts:
OpenTheBloodyWindow · 21/07/2021 20:43

At that age (and for a good number of years to come) I'd want him coming home ready for bed. Clean face, clean bum, clean PJs. Milk before he leaves. Fall asleep in car. Straight into bed when he gets to yours.

Are you having to wake him up to get him ready for bed and then put him down? I'd not be happy with that.

Darbs76 · 21/07/2021 20:45

Definitely ask him to bathe the baby and bring him home in PJ’s

Tee20x · 21/07/2021 20:47

100% tell him.

Horehound · 21/07/2021 20:48

That's basic care.

Woodmarsh · 21/07/2021 20:50

He doesn't go for child care, he's his Dad

DeflatedGinDrinker · 21/07/2021 20:52

100% yanbu he needs to be coming home clean and ready for bed. If it was a 15 year old babysitter doing you a free favour fair enough, but this is his 'parent'

Pumperthepumper · 21/07/2021 20:54

Definitely not unreasonable. Does he brush his teeth on those two days?

3womeninaboat · 21/07/2021 20:57

Could it be that if you show that it bothers you he’ll do it even more? I’d consider not saying anything, but I might take some photos in case a pattern starts.

Original poster
Pablo201 · 21/07/2021 21:02

@OpenTheBloodyWindow yes I have to wake him undress and wash him which unsettles him not that the ex would see it like that he will say I'm being picky or ocd when I think as @Horehound said its basic care.
To my knowledge he doesn't brush his teeth no. I doubt he even brushes his own teeth so don't think he does DS Hmm

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 21/07/2021 21:02

Would it not be better for him if he slept at his fathers on the nights you’re working til 8.30. That’s very late for a baby.

zoeydollie · 21/07/2021 21:04

Is he a dickhead or just a bit lazy?

If a dickhead then I wouldn't show it gets to you, put him to bed as is and get him bathed in the morning.

If he just lazy then remind him that you put the baby straight into bed so could be please bath him and put him in pjs before bringing him back.

Original poster
Pablo201 · 21/07/2021 21:18

@Soontobe60 i agree but he won't have him overnight he'd sooner come for him at 7am as I work 3 long days 7.30-8 in a row so on the day Inbetween he has nursery and he can't be arsed dropping him at nursery so drops him back home. I don't get it myself if anything he'd have a lie in as DS would sleep past 0630 when I have to lift him and he has to leave the house.

OP posts:
ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 21/07/2021 21:21

he bsolutely should bring back a clean child in pyjamas ready to be lifted into bed.
YANBU

on the other hand we'd been caught out with children looking just like that because of unexpected long journeys so we'd just lift dirty child into bed, take shoes off, ideally wipe face & hands (also change nappy if needed) and get up earlier in the morning to clean them properly.
it's not ideal but they won't die from going to bed a bit dirty.

MarchingOnTogether · 21/07/2021 21:40

Just ask nicely, its possible he just doesn't realise ! I'd.just say something like "if I pop.some pjs in his bag would you mind bathing him before he comes home? He gets all upset when I have to wake him up after he's fallen asleep on the way home"

Danikm151 · 21/07/2021 21:41

He should be making sure baby is clean.
Sticky hands etc can cause irritation.
Also this age kids are are like sponges with new information. Cleaning them helps with hygiene skills later on.
Disrupting your son’s sleep isn’t acceptable either. He isn’t the one that has to deal with wake ups after a long shift.

Put your foot down

NeverDropYourMooncup · 21/07/2021 21:41

[quote Pablo201]@Soontobe60 i agree but he won't have him overnight he'd sooner come for him at 7am as I work 3 long days 7.30-8 in a row so on the day Inbetween he has nursery and he can't be arsed dropping him at nursery so drops him back home. I don't get it myself if anything he'd have a lie in as DS would sleep past 0630 when I have to lift him and he has to leave the house.[/quote]
That's likely so he can make sure you don't have a new man in there with you.

Some exes are twats like that.

Anonymous48 · 21/07/2021 21:43

@Woodmarsh

He doesn't go for child care, he's his Dad
That struck me too, and it took me a few seconds to work out what she was talking about!
Bridezillamaybe · 21/07/2021 21:45

Yanbu and you haven't said what your relationship is like with your ex but I'd word my request carefully. I'd focus on "can you have him ready for bed please" and throw in clear directions about clean and changed instead of "don't give him back dirty"

Anonymous48 · 21/07/2021 21:46

[quote Pablo201]@Soontobe60 i agree but he won't have him overnight he'd sooner come for him at 7am as I work 3 long days 7.30-8 in a row so on the day Inbetween he has nursery and he can't be arsed dropping him at nursery so drops him back home. I don't get it myself if anything he'd have a lie in as DS would sleep past 0630 when I have to lift him and he has to leave the house.[/quote]
He won't have him overnight? And he's the child's father? Wow.

Of course he should bring your son home ready for bed, but have you even mentioned it to him? He sounds a bit clueless and might not even realize that he should be doing that.

Hankunamatata · 21/07/2021 21:47

Just be nicey nice and say your trying a new bedtime routine as HV has strongly suggested it could help . Bath, pj, bottle, toothbrush and bed (or buggy) then gentle transfer to bed at yours as dc needs x hours interrupted sleep to help.with his development

Hankunamatata · 21/07/2021 21:48

You could give him a sleeping bag thing to put him in too.

endofthelinefinally · 21/07/2021 21:52

That is neglect and I would be discussing with the health visitor. What a lazy man.

Youdiditanyway · 21/07/2021 22:11

I’d just ask him outright to make sure he drops DS off ready for bed in future and list the things that need doing incase he’s dopey enough not to realise.

QueenBee52 · 21/07/2021 22:37

He's sounds like a right TWAT... I sympathise OP Flowers

MooseBreath · 22/07/2021 06:40

I definitely came to this thread thinking YWBU (a bit of paint or stains won't hurt him), but your ex sounds like a piece of work! Black feet, sticky hands, and no pajamas at 8:30pm is totally unacceptable for a 1-year-old. Have you set any expectations not that you should need to about the state DS should be in when you get him back?