Are other mums like this?!

[PumpkinKlNG]

Are all mums like this or is it just mine, no matter what happens or what I tell my mum she will always twist it on me to blame me, or she will always say what she would have don’t better than me and how whatever I did was wrong. Another example is that she buys my kids clothes sometimes and she has moaned in the past that she’s never seen them in them after, yet the other day she came and my daughter was wearing one of her dresses that she bought her, she said “You would think she has no other dresses, do you ever put her in anything else?” It was only the 2nd time she wore it basically I can’t do anything right, just wondering if other mums are like this?!

@PumpkinKlNG

Yes Monica’s mum is exactly what she’s like, for example I told her you didn’t need a tv license if you don’t watch live tv, she wouldn’t have a word of it and wouldn’t believe me but then a few days later said to me oh your brother said you don’t need a tv license so it must be true then, yeh because I’m always wrong it’s honestly every little thing. I’ve just pulled her up on it now because it’s been getting to me, I’ve pulled her up on it before but she doesn’t stop and claims to not realise.

My mother still does this, even where I've spent a fair amount of time doing all the legwork in sorting something out for her, she'll talk about my brother having done it. I've suggested in the past that, OK, I'll leave sorting out all the multitude of things I do for her to my brother instead... 🌹

The brother thing - it's just plain old misogyny isn't it!

I have 2 brothers and according to mum, they're SOOOOOO funny, sweet, lovely caring etc and are amazing dads - one even took his son to a party. I said "my kids go to parties every weekend, am I am amazing mum" and she rolled her eyes and huffed about.

I think she forgets that in the past one of my brothers (one is lovely, but over-worshipped, and the other I rarely speak to as he's a total twat) -

• Stole money and jewellery from her repeatedly from his teens well into his 20's
• is a compulsive liar, he even lied about our (very much still alive) grandad dying once so that he could get out of looking after his son on his access weekend. I shit myself when his ex wife text me saying "sorry to hear about your grandad". Mum said 'well if she wasn't so difficult he wouldn't have to resort to saying these things'
• was a serious drug user and still dabbles in drugs recreationally. He's nearly 40
• has physically attacked her, emotionally abused her and called her all the names under the sun
• had her in the police station and at court throughout his life more times than I can count

I get that she's forgiven a lot of it and it happened a long time ago, so why is it that if me or my sister do something like don't iron out bedsheets, or get drunker she gets all judgmental and huffy and "I don't know what went wrong".

She has never forgiven me for leaving g my husband. he cheated on me with a 17yo, the fucking creep. Frankly the way I see he's lucky I JUST left him and didn't fight to restrict access to our children given his fancy for sleeping with teenagers. But she told me "all men need a release" and asked if he maybe did it because I kept my baby weight. And why didn't I think of her in all this and what she'd have to tell people at church

Not voting, as not all mums are like that (NAMALT)
Mine doesn't do anything like that.
MIL, on the other hand?
Yep totally all the time so obviously depends on the person

My mum is 84 and lives with us as she had a fall about 9 years so I brought her to stay to recuperate and she never left.😱
Don’t get me wrong I love her but I don’t really get on with her as she has a habit of being very critical towards me and a bit nasty.
For example, if I tell her I’m going to the hair salon she will ask me if I went when I get home as my hair looks terrible lol.
Or I’m putting weight on.

She has always been the same .🙁

Mine compares me to her when younger and what she did for her Mum, which ends up that I am a terrible daughter! As most of my communication from Mum is via email, I ignore her emails for a few days and then she changes tune again.

yeah and the weight thing for me too. When I was around 18/19 I wasn't eating properly and lost a lot of weight just under a size 8. These days I'm a size 14 - 16 depending on brand and every time I visit, are you putting on weight, evil laugh.

My mother never had a good word to say about anyone. Over the years she has turned into a bitter old woman and had dragged my (relatively normal dad) along with her.
When my children were younger she criticised me for taking my eldest to the paediatrician as I had my (eventually proven) suspicions that something wasn't right.....I was according to her dramatic and attention seeking with nothing better to do! (At the time I worked full time and my youngest was still a baby so plenty to occupy my mind )
Loads of other examples over the years, long story short myself and my sibling don't speak to either of them, just because someone gives birth to you doesn't mean you owe them a life long relationship, anyone that treats me like that can jog on I'm afraid!

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop

The brother thing - it's just plain old misogyny isn't it!

I have 2 brothers and according to mum, they're SOOOOOO funny, sweet, lovely caring etc and are amazing dads - one even took his son to a party. I said "my kids go to parties every weekend, am I am amazing mum" and she rolled her eyes and huffed about.

I think she forgets that in the past one of my brothers (one is lovely, but over-worshipped, and the other I rarely speak to as he's a total twat) -

• Stole money and jewellery from her repeatedly from his teens well into his 20's
• is a compulsive liar, he even lied about our (very much still alive) grandad dying once so that he could get out of looking after his son on his access weekend. I shit myself when his ex wife text me saying "sorry to hear about your grandad". Mum said 'well if she wasn't so difficult he wouldn't have to resort to saying these things'
• was a serious drug user and still dabbles in drugs recreationally. He's nearly 40
• has physically attacked her, emotionally abused her and called her all the names under the sun
• had her in the police station and at court throughout his life more times than I can count

I get that she's forgiven a lot of it and it happened a long time ago, so why is it that if me or my sister do something like don't iron out bedsheets, or get drunker she gets all judgmental and huffy and "I don't know what went wrong".

She has never forgiven me for leaving g my husband. he cheated on me with a 17yo, the fucking creep. Frankly the way I see he's lucky I JUST left him and didn't fight to restrict access to our children given his fancy for sleeping with teenagers. But she told me "all men need a release" and asked if he maybe did it because I kept my baby weight. And why didn't I think of her in all this and what she'd have to tell people at church

OMG! It's absolutely awful but sadly I can believe it of some.

My mum was the same until she died. And often gave us the silent treatment for weeks too. Looking back I wonder if she had some type of low level depression. Whatever the reason we don't have to put up with that behaviour.

Your mum clearly has some issues. I'm sorry she's like this. Take care yourself not to replicate her lack of respect, that all you can control.

My late mil was like this.
I could not do anything right in her eyes.
She was hard work.
It seems women can't help but run other women down. I'm sorry your mum is like this op. It can be tough

My Mum is a bit like this. It doesn’t matter how long I spend scrubbing the house from top to bottom before she comes, she will always find something to complain about. In the past she has been known to open drawers and things like the microwave to purposely hunt for something to complain about. I don’t invite her around very often because it’s just too stressful. She’s even run her finger along the tops of my doors before to find dust, feel a bit like I’m in an episode of four in a bed every time she comes! Exhausting.

It baffles me.
How old are these mothers, sometimes you hear oh it's a generational thing.

Mine is 70. Is it part of ageing, the negativity?
Like is it a thing?

How the fuck did we all end up as relatively nice kind people/mums ourselves with these mean old cows for guidance.

I'm getting to the can't be bothering with her stage.

I've just come out of hospital having been checked out for something potentially life threatening. Based on an actual thing I had to have done to save my life 5 yrs ago.

Made to feel like I was over reacting.

Just a total bitch comment.

Arghhhhhhh

I'm actually feeling quite emotional reading this, my heart has started pounding and I can feel tears prickling at the back of my eyes. I know it's not nice for the rest of you but I'm just SO relieved reading all this because it's so familiar. I recognise my own mother in so many of these comments. My husband gets very annoyed about it and is very careful to always tell me it's her, not me but hearing it here really helps. Thank you all. Logically I know it's all about her, not me, even though it's taken years to realise it so the damage is done now - and there is damage.

I'm so worried about repeating this pattern. I am trying really hard to be a different kind of mother to my girls but my mother is absolutely, blissfully unaware of her own behaviour so I'm scared of doing it without even seeing it.

It’s definitely not a thing which comes with age. It must just be that person’s personality already. My husband’s nan is 91 and is the loveliest woman despite going through many very difficult things in her life. Never has a bad word to say about anyone. Somebody would have to be really, really nasty for her to actually criticise them or say she doesn’t like them. I would hope that I don’t turn out to be a negative fun sponge.

@TreeSmuggler - bloody hell, your dad really does take it to extremes, doesn't he???

I remember an example when she was here, and told me off for hanging clothes wrongly on the horse. I passed along her criticism, in front of her, to DP, who had actually hung up the washing. He was gobsmacked that she'd say such a thing.

I wanted him to put a wash up outside next time she came, and include some of my washable pads. Would have loved to see her apoplexy at that, with not only the neighbours SEEING them but a male actually TOUCHING the disgusting things. Unfortunately the journey became too much for her.

Yes, mine is very critical.

I love my mother, she is generous, funny, kind and I know she'd take on a lion for me- I would for her. BUT... as I have got older, I am no longer blind to her flaws. She can be domineering, loves to stick the boot in, turns on you/snaps quickly and she has back doors if she isn't getting her way. She doesn't always have it easy with my dad but that's not an excuse for everything. I realised there was a problem when I found myself answering repeated friends & my DP saying "she is jealous of you" with "no she's not, why would she be? She's thinner than me, she says my curvy bum ruins the look of clothes; I'm not chic". DP has since taken her to one side to tell her not to comment on my body anymore. She went a good few months before bashing my appearance after that.

Nasty, unneeded asides are her bread & butter. The one I can't forgive her for was made when I was buying my flat and bounced some storage/furniture ideas around, thinking aloud. She just said "well I know what I would do with it. If I had it, it wouldn't look like a doss house". Any trait she dislikes in me is attributed to being inherited fron different relatives- her least favourites.

If anyone has ever watched Outnumbered, the episode where Karen called out Sue for her "mummy promises" resonated deeply. My mum will try to majorly change the terms of things after she has offered and I have accepted- usually to completely change the whole premise of what we had agreed, if she thinks I am getting a better deal than her. I just say to DP now "lets see if that's a mummy promise , shall we?"

I love to death but I was a pliant teen and I've had to work to detach myself as an adult. I get accused of being aggressive and suspicious for sticking up boundaries or asking her questions- she says I'm like her mother. I see a cycle, I'm trying to break it. What I do do now is call out her spite. I either stay in neutral tone or go sickly sweet as if she were a naughty toddler. Always phrases like "there was no need for that", "did you need to say that?", "you are unkind". I've noticed she's a lot more careful since I've started telling her when she's unkind or pointing out that she frequently makes fun of me and can come across as a bully. I ask for apologies now and won't move on til I get one. There's still the odd blow up, and my refusal to acknowledge her til she apologised almost ruined Christmas and made her cry, but she is much better now. I refuse to be a target or take abuse for being a different person to her.

My husband and I have actually started testing my mother on her behaviour - it's petty but it helps to reinforce the idea that she's the awful one rather than me, so I (while my husband is not there) will tell her about a plan or idea I have, or something we're doing or buying and, as expected, she'll criticise and criticise. My husband, while I am not there, tells her the same thing and the reaction is completely different. Why does it have to be this way?

No. My mum is not like this at all. I'm so sorry to hear yours is, all your comments are making me very sad. I hope you have other supportive friends and partner in your life- everyone needs a cheerleader or someone to turn to who will listen no matter what, even if it isn't your mum.

Another one here too! Mine is so bad, I do and say nothing for I know what she is going to say before she even says it so its not a surprise anymore,I do take great joy in th epredictability of all the critisism,It used to hurt so much but now its like water off a ducks back.I am a much better parent than she has ever been and what I do for her is out of absolute duty nothing else,Its not done out of love or anything else its done and I think no more of it then get on with my life,I take pleasure now from the fact that due to her being her with her nasty ways she has missed so much of the good lovely happy moments of my life and my families life, I do the minimum,visits are kept to a minimum and I do not feel guilty at all.I switched off from her years ago and she will not be missed when she shuffles off this mortal soil.She has tried and nearly succeeded in driving me insane with her constant critisism and fault finding and general nastiness over the years and she thinks she is matriarch personified..she isnt and I tell her only what I want her to know no more.I do not share my joys or triumphs she really doesnt know me and I am keeping it like that,My life only includes her when she needs something which I will help with but its done with no thought or care or respect,She needs shopping ok do me a list I will get your shopping ..theres your shopping see you next week..thats it..fuck her and its all her own doing and she is too stupid to see that.I actually feel quite sorry for her but not sorry enough..she made her bed with me years ago and she can lay in it. Chin up OP its not you at all,

I also forgot her recent jaw droppingly rude comment. She wants to meet DPs dad. He's very shy, we have warned her. He has a beard. We mentioned this in passing.

She immediately wrinkled her nose, looked directly at DP and said "oh... I don't LIKE beards". She can't understand why we are reluctant for my parents and his dad to meet!

@Mumvschildren

This is my mother Too many to list but I was once sexually assaulted and the first words out of her mouth was ‘what the hell did you do to lead him on?’ She’d buy crap clothing from car boots (stuff I’d be ashamed to put in the bin) and forget she’d bought it I’d either be in trouble as they didn’t wear it or because it looked shabby If I got rid of anything she’d bought I was in for a 20 minute yelling even though I didn’t have the space for all her crap

I went nc with the lot of them

Omg! My Mum is exactly the same! Re the sexual assault comment I was raped by a masked man who broke into my house with a knife.

My mother's comment, ' Well you were sleeping naked. He probably couldn't help himself'!!!

She genuinely doesn't believe in praising children especially. It's a conscious thing too. When my son was about 3 they went to pick up my son at nursery and got talking about him going to 'big school' and choosing a good school. The manager said some v positive things about my son and said something along the lines of that he'd be fine wherever he went because he was so clever. My Mum was really annoyed and said she told my dad to take my son to the car because, ' He shouldn't hear things like that'! I asked 'Like what? Positive comments?' Apparently according to my mum children shouldn't hear praise as they will become big headed and stop working.

Unfortunately that resulted in me always feeling I'm never quite good enough and lots of other insecurities because the one person who you expect to have your back always left you feeling inadequate in some way.

My best friend and I often have this conversation and have promised to keep each other in check if we ever become like Monica's mum to our daughters. It's like mums got a handbook when having a daughter, thankfully I didn't.

My mum, God rest her soul, was a kind and caring woman, everyone loved her, and I did too but she did make life difficult. She wanted me to always do what she wanted, she was so controlling so we constantly butted heads over everything. I miss her, I really do, but I can't sometimes help feeling slightly relieved at the less aggravation I have to deal with, life is far more peaceful now because I'm not constantly being argued with over my life choices from my career to the colour of my walls.
I'm aware how awful that sounds. I do miss her goodness but not the bad parts.

@thesunwillout

It baffles me. How old are these mothers, sometimes you hear oh it's a generational thing.

Mine is 70. Is it part of ageing, the negativity?
Like is it a thing?

How the fuck did we all end up as relatively nice kind people/mums ourselves with these mean old cows for guidance.

I'm getting to the can't be bothering with her stage.

I've just come out of hospital having been checked out for something potentially life threatening. Based on an actual thing I had to have done to save my life 5 yrs ago.

Made to feel like I was over reacting.

Just a total bitch comment.

Arghhhhhhh

No it isn't 'part of ageing, the negativity?'

I'm 72. I have never been like that and I never will be.

Why does someone always go with ageism on threads about mothers and bad behaviour. Just because you get old doesn't mean you're going to turn into a complete bitch.

Perhaps these women are just nasty, there's plenty of nasty people around of all ages.

If someone starts a thread about someone they know being a nasty no one comes on and asks if they're in their 30s or 40s because, you know, 'women in their 30s or 40s can be really horrible sometimes'.

My exh was like that with our children the whole time they were growing up, so nothing to do with his age, some people just like to put people down, especially their own children.

It was one of the reasons, among many, that we divorced.

Maybe try to spend less time with her OP.

And actually you don't sound 'nice or kind' with those sort of ageist remarks.