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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To force DS back into counselling?

61 replies

FluffyT · 21/07/2021 13:09

I’m sorry, this is quite long. My DS (Nearly 16) has been through some significant trauma in his life, most of which has occurred over the last 4 years. The issue is that he is completely unable to accept what has happened to him and has a very skewed view of his experience, as in he doesn’t believe or acknowledge he has suffered trauma. He insists/pretends that he is fine, but I really think he is far more affected than he let’s on. Whenever I bring it up or ask him to talk about things he shuts it down immediately. He did attend counselling previously for the same issue but refused to engage at all and would sit there in silence and eventually the counsellor said it was counter productive.

Our home life is not great and we tiptoe around DH the majority of the time, though this isn’t the main cause of my DS’ trauma. It is definitely a contributory factor and I am working hard on a plan to get us away from the situation. Its complicated and quite difficult but please know I’m trying to fix it.

It’s the other issue which I am convinced he needs to confront and deal with to be able to move forward in certain aspects of life. It has come to a head recently and his behaviour has changed in that he is more withdrawn and clearly has it on his mind.

So, I suppose my AIBU is whether it’s unreasonable to make him go back to counselling even if he doesn’t want to in the hope that this time he might be able to start dealing with what happened to him?

I was debating whether to be specific or vague about this but I think I will get asked straight away so without going into too much detail he became involved in an abusive situation with a much older woman who manipulated him and has completely messed with his head. Police became involved and he is no longer in contact with her etc. But he has been left with the aftermath which he refuses or is unable to acknowledge. Is making him go back to counselling going to make it worse or better?

I worry about him a lot and feel terrible and so very guilty that I have been unable to protect him like I should, not just from this situation but our ongoing home situation. I suppose I am quite fragile and what many would call a pathetic mother.

OP posts:
superduster · 21/07/2021 13:12

As you found previously its pointless forcing someone to have counselling and you will probably find the counsellor won't do it if they know he doesn't want to engage.

GrrRightBackAtYou · 21/07/2021 13:13

Whenever I bring it up or ask him to talk about things he shuts it down immediately

Why do you keep trying to make him talk about it when he doesn’t want to?

GCAcademic · 21/07/2021 13:14

You can't make someone engage with counselling. It just doesn't work.

TeenMinusTests · 21/07/2021 13:14

I'm not convinced forcing him to counselling against his will would help.

Does he have any interests you could leverage? (DD loves animals and we found her 'equine assisted therapy'.)
Are their sports teams or gaming clubs run by youth workers where they could gain his trust and get him to open up?

Hankunamatata · 21/07/2021 13:16

So he was 12 or 11 when an older woman started a coersive control relationship with him?

Merryoldgoat · 21/07/2021 13:16

Counselling is pointless if he’s not going to engage.

I’d make it clear you’re there for him and let him get on with things but have reasonable rules for living at home.

He won’t open up if he doesn’t feel safe and secure and it sounds like he won’t whilst your DH is there.

Do you have any family he might like to stay with for a break?

ApolloandDaphne · 21/07/2021 13:16

You cannot compel anyone to undertake counselling. He can access this when he wants to and if he wants to. If you force this it may damage your relationship and it sounds like you need to keep that intact of their are also issues with your DH.

MintyCedric · 21/07/2021 13:17

Honestly I would leave him to it.

Not in a negative way, just acknowledge that he wants to deal with things his own way, but if that changes there are options and you will support him.

Focus your energies on getting away from your husband if that's what you're trying to do...it's probably not helping your relationship with your son and he may feel more able to open up up you without the other pressures hanging over his head.

30degreesandmeltinghere · 21/07/2021 13:17

When is he 16? My adult ds had a teen trauma and then an abusive gf. Well a few tbh. He was placed in the hands so to speak of the local mh unit team. Against his wishes initially (half hearted suicide attempt).. He speaks to them now and again. But long term you need to end your relationship with your dh to benefit you both.

Blossomtoes · 21/07/2021 13:17

What makes you think he’ll engage with counselling if you try to force it? The definition of madness is repeating behaviour and expecting different results.

Washimal · 21/07/2021 13:18

You can't force someone to talk about their experience of abuse if they're not ready. It will do more harm than good.

GreyhoundG1rl · 21/07/2021 13:18

Getting him out of your current situation would be more helpful in the long run.

He may well have dealt with what happened to him, but he's currently living in an abusive situation? Correct me if I'm wrong.

Whatinthelord · 21/07/2021 13:20

Personally I think counselling or anything therapeutic wouldn’t be particular suitable until he was living in an environment he felt safe and secure in (I’m assuming the comments about DH suggest Some abusive behaviours, sorry if that’s off base).

XenoBitch · 21/07/2021 13:20

He will seek help when he is ready. You can't force someone to talk. All you will do is cause resentment. You also can't force someone to go to or engage with a counsellor.

Original poster
FluffyT · 21/07/2021 13:20

@GrrRightBackAtYou

Whenever I bring it up or ask him to talk about things he shuts it down immediately

Why do you keep trying to make him talk about it when he doesn’t want to?

I don’t know really. I just see him looking sad sometimes so try to engage him in talking about it. I don’t know what else to do.
OP posts:
Original poster
FluffyT · 21/07/2021 13:22

@TeenMinusTests

I'm not convinced forcing him to counselling against his will would help.

Does he have any interests you could leverage? (DD loves animals and we found her 'equine assisted therapy'.)
Are their sports teams or gaming clubs run by youth workers where they could gain his trust and get him to open up?

I’m trying to get him into a swimming club but DH is against it. He does play football but isn’t really in a club.
OP posts:
GreyhoundG1rl · 21/07/2021 13:22

I don’t know really. I just see him looking sad sometimes so try to engage him in talking about it. I don’t know what else to do.
Why are you assuming he's upset because of the past instead of the toxic environment he's living in now?

DelilahDingleberry · 21/07/2021 13:22

Are you in therapy yourself? Tiptoeing around your DH does not sound healthy at all.

Original poster
FluffyT · 21/07/2021 13:25

@Hankunamatata

So he was 12 or 11 when an older woman started a coersive control relationship with him?
We don’t know for certain when it started as he has never been that specific with the details. We know it was already going on when he was 13. The police became involved just after his 14th birthday.
OP posts:
giletrouge · 21/07/2021 13:26

At 16 one of his primary life tasks is to separate from you. You may be doing more harm than good by wanting him to talk and being anxious about what he's feeling; let alone the fact that you don't actually know what he's feeling at all and you may be projecting wildly.
Can you give him some space OP? He's more likely to trust and listen to you and come towards you if you give him much more space. I know you mean well and want the best for him but it all sounds very claustrophobic, which is not good for a boy of that age.

Whatinthelord · 21/07/2021 13:27

Wow what a difficult situation for you both.
Was there woman convicted of anything?

Original poster
FluffyT · 21/07/2021 13:29

I know our current situation is not good. I am trying to fix it. We have no family to help or go to, which is part of what makes it so difficult to leave.

OP posts:
SavageBeauty73 · 21/07/2021 13:29

Sounds like your DH is the problem rather than his past trauma

hedgehogger1 · 21/07/2021 13:32

He can't start fixing if he's still being broken my his current home life

SoundBar · 21/07/2021 13:33

Focus on the present and the future not the past. What has he got to look forward to? What does he enjoy, what activities, hobbies, social life has he got? Look at how you can support him to explore the world and enjoy life more. By "support" I don't mean micromanage or control, I mean pay for things, provide transport.