To force DS back into counselling?

[FluffyT]

I’m sorry, this is quite long. My DS (Nearly 16) has been through some significant trauma in his life, most of which has occurred over the last 4 years. The issue is that he is completely unable to accept what has happened to him and has a very skewed view of his experience, as in he doesn’t believe or acknowledge he has suffered trauma. He insists/pretends that he is fine, but I really think he is far more affected than he let’s on. Whenever I bring it up or ask him to talk about things he shuts it down immediately. He did attend counselling previously for the same issue but refused to engage at all and would sit there in silence and eventually the counsellor said it was counter productive.

Our home life is not great and we tiptoe around DH the majority of the time, though this isn’t the main cause of my DS’ trauma. It is definitely a contributory factor and I am working hard on a plan to get us away from the situation. Its complicated and quite difficult but please know I’m trying to fix it.

It’s the other issue which I am convinced he needs to confront and deal with to be able to move forward in certain aspects of life. It has come to a head recently and his behaviour has changed in that he is more withdrawn and clearly has it on his mind.

So, I suppose my AIBU is whether it’s unreasonable to make him go back to counselling even if he doesn’t want to in the hope that this time he might be able to start dealing with what happened to him?

I was debating whether to be specific or vague about this but I think I will get asked straight away so without going into too much detail he became involved in an abusive situation with a much older woman who manipulated him and has completely messed with his head. Police became involved and he is no longer in contact with her etc. But he has been left with the aftermath which he refuses or is unable to acknowledge. Is making him go back to counselling going to make it worse or better?

I worry about him a lot and feel terrible and so very guilty that I have been unable to protect him like I should, not just from this situation but our ongoing home situation. I suppose I am quite fragile and what many would call a pathetic mother.

You can't force someone into therapy.

You can act to improve his home life, having to tiptoe around his dh is not OK at all.

Does he need counselling or actual treatment? Have you spoken to Young Minds parents helpline to get advice? I think you need a firmer idea about what to, in what order.

One of the worst things about childhood sexual abuse is that it makes you feel utterly powerless. By trying to force him to confront and talk about what happened to him when he is clearly not ready you are only adding to that feeling of powerlessness. He needs to be able to deal with his trauma in a way that feels right for him, at a time that feels right for him.

@DelilahDingleberry I’m not in therapy no. I acknowledge that I probably should be but I’d rather use any money I have for DS or getting out of our current situation.

@giletrouge I try to give him space but maybe it’s not enough. I’ll try to step back a bit.

@Whatinthelord She wasn’t charged with anything because of insufficient evidence. This was partly because DS refused to tell them anything and neither did she so they couldn’t take it any further.

Reading the replies I’m starting to see that maybe I’m unconsciously trying to minimise the effect our current situation might be having on him. I’m really not trying to and I try so hard to keep him away from it but it’s probably not enough. I do think what happened to him is a factor in how he is though. I don’t think he has dealt with it but the poster that wrote he can’t fix things if he’s still being broken has resonated with me.

Regarding your original question, OP, no to force but yes to encourage to the maximum possible and to question to try and unpick his thinking to the extent he allows.

Good luck.

I think he needs to be ready to engage and respond and if he’s not it’s pointless. I tried to get DS16 to attend counselling after a traumatic family accident, he just refused even though brother and sister did it and it helped them. In the end even though we can see it would benefit them they have to come to that conclusion themselves.

Our home life is not great and we tiptoe around DH the majority of the time, though this isn’t the main cause of my DS’ trauma. It is definitely a contributory factor and I am working hard on a plan to get us away from the situation. I

Firstly get yourselves out if this situation. Then look at the counselling again, but it's not going to do him any good whatsoever if he isn't prepared to engage.

Ds1 has counselling years ago, but wouldn't engage. It's totally pointless.

When I was a young teenager, I was in a ‘relationship’ with a trusted adult for some time, on two occasions. It took me around a decade, as I got to be an adult myself, to see how inappropriate, illegal and plain bizarre their behaviour was. I didn’t have therapy, very few people ever found out, but I think it took life experience and my own maturity to see a new lens. I’d suggest letting him go at his own pace, and being covertly mindful than he may be vulnerable to a similar situation again.

Shutting down conversations may just be to avoid embarrassment or frustration at what he feels was a legitimate relationship. He knows your perspective, and doesn’t want to engage in a combative conversation with you - especially given the situation with your husband. I’m curious as to what has you convinced this is the driver, or that he’s currently suffering as a result of it? Is it just the refusal to engage and looking sad? If so, you may be overblowing it a bit: we can miss people even if they do us harm, especially if we don’t recognise that harm.

Give him space. You can't force him into therapy. Any therapy depends on the person doing the heavy lifting. If he doesn't want to then its pointless to try and make him.

@sergeilavrov

When I was a young teenager, I was in a ‘relationship’ with a trusted adult for some time, on two occasions. It took me around a decade, as I got to be an adult myself, to see how inappropriate, illegal and plain bizarre their behaviour was. I didn’t have therapy, very few people ever found out, but I think it took life experience and my own maturity to see a new lens. I’d suggest letting him go at his own pace, and being covertly mindful than he may be vulnerable to a similar situation again.

Shutting down conversations may just be to avoid embarrassment or frustration at what he feels was a legitimate relationship. He knows your perspective, and doesn’t want to engage in a combative conversation with you - especially given the situation with your husband. I’m curious as to what has you convinced this is the driver, or that he’s currently suffering as a result of it? Is it just the refusal to engage and looking sad? If so, you may be overblowing it a bit: we can miss people even if they do us harm, especially if we don’t recognise that harm.

I am terrified he will end up like me in a situation that is horrible that he can’t recognise as being horrible for a long time and then be stuck there. I suppose I just want him to see what happened for what it is, not what she manipulated him into seeing or thinking what it was. I thought if I could find a good counsellor they’d be able to connect with him and get him talking to help him figure it out.

@FluffyT You evidently want the best for him! Making sure he knows you’re there (without mentioning the subject) is key - openness and non-judgment will do more than you know. For what it’s worth, I have a wonderful, healthy relationship with my DH and children, I have a great job and volunteer my spare time into helping with child protection. There is a good future ahead for him, and you’re going to be instrumental - just probably not through enforcing attendance to therapy. It’s a long path, but a great one!

I suppose I just want him to see what happened for what it is, not what she manipulated him into seeing or thinking what it was.

That really does take time and maturity. He may be angry you/the authorities “interfered” with his relationship, he may miss the woman concerned, think of it as a consenting relationship etc etc - bit it’ll be hard for him to talk about those feelings if everyone is focussed on abuse and trauma (especially given he doesn’t see it that way). It’s hard, but really acknowledging he sees it differently and for him there’s a loss might help him reconnect with you, it’s possible he’ll be well into adulthood before he really recognises the trauma and abuse - and will need support then to process it.

It’s hard, but sending him into counselling with an agenda isn’t the answer.

Have you had counselling yourself? It sounds like you're in a very pressured situation, with a very negative self view, and maybe also some of your seeing your son as a victim who needs support is about your own self perception and need for support. Even if it isn't, it could be helpful to have someone to share your feelings with as a 'safe' outlet without antagonising your DH or pressuring your DS.

I made my younger child attend counseling. She wasn’t thrilled and did refuse to actively engage at first, but eventually but it did help. She is in a radically better place today than she was a few years ago.

We went through a few different counselors and that wasn’t entirely our choice. They kept referring us to other people who they thought might be able to connect with dd. It was frustrating, but ultimately very helpful.

Really though, if he is tiptoeing around DH (is that his father?), that is probably having a bigger impact on him than anything else. Even if there is visitation, having a home that is a safe space for part of the week will have a huge positive impact on his mental health.

Are you positive that he's traumatised by what happened with the woman?

Or is he troubled by the current situation with DH?

When I was a teenager my parents were sure that I was traumatised by something that I was not. And they more they pushed me to communicate with them, the more I withdrew from them. I didn't want to communicate with them at that age.

Maybe he's still processing. Maybe he's more upset by the atmosphere with your DH. Don't push him. My parents pushed me to the point that I just wanted to escape.

I got some therapy myself in my 30s.

OP

if your DS will not engage in counselling there is no point in forcing him.

I am terrified he will end up like me in a situation that is horrible that he can’t recognise as being horrible for a long time and then be stuck there.

If you don’t want him to end up like you or in the same situation as you, the single most powerful thing you can do is focus on changing your own situation. Whatever it takes - therapy for you, getting out of your marriage, whatever. Children learn from what they see and experience day in and day and what your son is seeing is you and your DH.

Put your son to the side (while still being around for him) and sort your own stuff out. Show, don’t tell. Good luck.

As many PP have said, he’s unlikely to get any benefit from counselling if he’s there against his will.

In your OP you said that you were working on leaving your partner, and presumably your DS would come with you. Assuming that’s within a year or so, try offering counselling to your DS then.

In the meantime, keep an eye on him but let him manage himself during this unhappy time.

Oh bless his heart, Fluffy, poor lad.

Counselling has to be done voluntarily I'm afraid, it's part of the client taking responsibility for getting life sorted.

Just be nice and kind (which I'm sure you are), he will heal in time - but you do need to sort out your situation with his father.

I am terrified he will end up like me in a situation that is horrible that he can’t recognise as being horrible for a long time and then be stuck there

^he is already. He cant make you move out but you need to.

Imo he won't acknowledge the harm of the relationship until he grows older and possibly has children himself. Becoming a parent changes you.

I would drop counselling and spend quality time with him and give him something good in his life. Its easy for me to say but is it possible he was distracting himself with a harmful relationship to focus himself on something away from home?

Why are you tiptoeing round your husband? That sounds as much of a problem. Try sorting that first. I can imagine being your son and feeling pissed off to that my parents were trying to send me to therapy when they clearly have issues too.

Yes, I do think he definitely has some leftover trauma from his experience with her. But yes, I also acknowledge home life is not as stable, happy and loving as it should be, which will be contributing to the situation. DH is his father yes.

Having read and thought about some of the above posts I can see where maybe I have done things wrong by trying to make him see it differently than he is able to. I will try to acknowledge and validate that he feels differently about it at the moment.

I know I need to address my own stuff and get us away from our situation. Realistically that isn’t going to happen anytime soon. It has taken years for me to build the strength to even contemplate it and I am terrified of getting it wrong and making everything worse.

Its easy for me to say but is it possible he was distracting himself with a harmful relationship to focus himself on something away from home?

Yes, it’s entirely possible, which is why I feel horribly guilty about it. I do blame myself for it hugely.

It is definitely a contributory factor and I am working hard on a plan to get us away from the situation. Its complicated and quite difficult but please know I’m trying to fix it.

Good. Is there any way to accelerate the plan? Don't wait for things to be perfect to leave, it only needs to be possible to leave.

Put simply, it is not possible to start treatment for, or recovery from, trauma whilst the traumatic situation is ongoing.

(Regardless of whether you consider it his main trauma or not, it is still ongoing trauma. Given that you are experiencing it too and will therefore be a bit shut down as a result, you are likely to be underestimating the magnitude.)

You need to get him out of the traumatic situation first. You may find once he has had some time post-trauma he will feel ready to have therapy. Until he is safe and ready, it cannot happen and cannot be effective. You cannot force it and it cannot start until the trauma has ended.

As long as he is still in a traumatic situation, his brain has to stay shut down and in survival mode. That makes recovery impossible.

Direct your efforts to removing him from the trauma asap.

I am terrified of getting it wrong and making everything worse.

With respect, delaying is what makes it worse. The longer you delay, the more damage occurs, the harder the recovery.

The longer the brain is subjected to prolonged trauma the more it is damaged.

You could spend a lifetime planning your exit and it still wouldn't be perfect. You would still have regrets because regret is a normal part of grieving. It is part of us making sense of our experiences.

The best exit is the earliest one possible.

That fear feels like it will last forever. Like it will consume you.

It won't. It is intense but temporary. Leaving is what brings the terror to an end because the thing you are frightened of is behind you and you are taking control of the situation. Staying just means you stay in a loop with waves of fear rising, falling, rising, falling, rising because you're sitting still staring at the scary thing.

You can take charge. Accepting that you need to leave already shows you have the strength and courage to make it happen.