I really don’t like my mother and sister

[Fedup12423]

Nc for this. I probably sound like a teenager saying I hate them but I’m in my 30’s.

I can’t speak to anyone in RL so please be kind. My mum has always been unfair and always backs up my eldest sister. All other siblings think this so not just me. I’m the youngest, The eldest I’ve realised over time just wants her own way, she’s jealous, manipulative and just not a very nice person at all. She’s actually in her 50’s but acts like s stroppy teenager. Just recently for example I posted a picture of my baby on our family what’s app group, my other siblings were posting messages saying how cute he is and then I got a call from my second sibling telling me eldest has removed herself from group and how immature of her. Basically if things are not about her then she gets jealous she’s not the Centre of attention. Mums take on this was well she’s busy so has no time for WhatsApp! She makes excuses for her all the time I’m fed up. This is not the first time as we had an extended WhatsApp group with cousins and one cousin posted something totally innoncent and she flew off the handle on the group saying she posted it to make us jealous. She then made us all delete ourselves from group. She then called mum and dad who as usual backed her up! They said the cousin put that up to shit stir! Totally bs as it was just something she was proud of. This was about 3 years ago and I’m angry with myself for deleting myself from WhatsApp group and know you will say you’re a grown up woman but don’t underestimate the pressure from this kind of person who is absolutely relentless.

Hundreds of other examples where she’s shown she’s so childish where we all have picked up her nastiness but no our mum defends her.

I have over the years bought her kids (my nieces n nephews) presents, cards etc. But she has never even wished my kids happy birthday! She’s never even asked how I’m coping with new baby.

I just wish my mum would stop defending her and tell her the truth that she needs to stop acting like a child and grow up.

I phoned up my mum today as I was feeling a little down maybe PND and said I might visit her next week with kids. Her response was she’s going to check when eldest is coming and if I do come I need to “behave” and not fight with her! Basically I should shut up and not respond when the eldest goes on her tantrums and ignore her outbursts.

There is no special needs or mental issues with eldest I need to add. She is normal and controls her temper around her friends. It’s just us, her husband and Inlaws who know her true personality. One of her friends witnessed her craziness a d does t talk to her (probably more than just one friend but she’s the only one I know about, eldest doesn’t exactly own up to this, we just heard from husband).

2 of her kids are exactly like her and behave like Spoilt brats who need to get their way.

I know I should have got used to this by now but I feel really upset snd lonely. I don’t want to hate my mum, I want my kids to love her like they love my MIL but I’m really sad she feels the need to always make the rest of us feel like if we don’t get along with eldest there’s no place in my mums heart for us.

This will probably be really outing if someone from family reads this but I do t care anymore - my parents are similar to her as in they don’t speak to their families. When my mum guilts us into speaking to eldest I remind her that dad snd her don’t speak to their families snd she just kicks off and starts screaming and crying at me.

I’m really fed up, I wish I had a normal family.

Just to add because of her we don’t speak to the cousins as she made us delete ourselves. We only found each other on Facebook about 6 years ago as our parents don’t speak to one another.

I feel lonely, I feel I have no real family as her and my mum have destroyed all relationships. I feel sadness I’ll never have big family gatherings because of them

Just get on with your life and don't give her the time or effort thinking about it. She sounds petty, and if you don't rise to it, it loses all impact anyway.

Sounds like your sister is a narcissist and your mother is enabling her. If you aren't very aware of narcissism - research it and see for yourself.

I really feel your pain as I am going through an extremely similar situation.

Can you not have parties/family events without her? Or invite her but expect no reply/not coming.

I have a family a bit like this. It’s very hard. I see very few of them as I like a normal quiet life.

I would suggest just seeing the ones you like. Hopefully if you exclude them enough they’ll get outraged and stop talking to you all! Job done!

I don't think you'll be outed. Situations like this are way more common than you think.

You're not U for wanting your mum to act differently. But if it was going to happen, it would have by now. Limit your exposure to them and be glad your kids have a good relationship with your MIL. That sounds harsh I know. But time spent trying to change these people is time wasted. They'll just see you as a troublemaker.

Cut her out completely or don’t allow her any more power over your life. If it was me I’d do so openly rather than speaking to siblings behind her back, for example if she says you have to delete yourself from a group I would say no thanks why would I do that because you’ve fallen out with someone? These type of people need to know they can’t control people.

It’s a shame she doesn’t get your children gifts as she’s so selfish, but very kind of you to get for her kids. If you’re speaking to her I would make a point of confronting her on your child’s birthday and saying it’s Amelia’s birthday today, we didn’t hear from you? I think if you continue a relationship with people like this their selfishness needs to be pointed out in a plain, non argumentative way that they can’t wriggle out of.

For me it would be too much bother to continue the relationship and I probably wouldn’t bother with them at all.

It cuts deeply doesn't it?

I had to accept my mum gets on better with one sibling. Admittedly she doesn't sound as blatantly unfair about it as your mum. But I have been very hurt by our situation so I sympathize.

I don't spend any time with them together. Maybe a quick drop off. Basically I avoid the golden child because they are unpleasant whenever possible! There's no upside there.

I've accepted who my mum is and what she can't be for me. I now focus on doing the best I can for me and my family while giving her support where I can.
We will never be a jolly extended family. I have accepted it and that is freeing.

I have continued to send stuff for nieces and nephews up to age 18. One has been very friendly back which has been a bonus as I thought of it as "doing a duty."

Unless you are strapped for cash (in which case look after your own family first of course) I think you can model generous (sane?!) behaviour in the face of jealousy/ indifference from the other side.

Honestly it is better just to nip it in the bud now. Its hard and it can hurt like hell especially if you see friends with a close relationship with their family but in the long run, it won't only benefit you but your children too. I think it's safe to assume this isn't something you want your children to see and at the end of the day, they will be better off not being a part of such a toxic environment.

If only you could choose your family!

I really feel your pain. I’ve recently come to the conclusion that my mother is not the right person to expect emotional support and backing from. It stings, but you have to accept it, communicate with her less and surround yourself with the people who are positive, supportive, nice people to be around! Don’t call your mum when you’re feeling down (I know, it feels unfair), call someone else, don’t expect your sister change, and distance yourself from her dramas. Sounds like you have some great siblings, so work on those relationships. Good luck OP

Thank you everyone. I don’t speak to eldest now. Last proper conversation we had was before lockdown so I think October 2019. It was my 2 year olds birthday so we planned a family meal and I invited her but she didn’t respond. She told my mum she will come but she didn’t turn up. Didn’t tell me she wasn’t coming and we all waited for her. Didn’t pick up my calls. Quite embarrassing in front of Inlaws. Later in week she told my mum her car broke down. As usual mum defended her. No apology or phone call from her or even a card. Saw her 3 weeks later for my other niece birthday and not even a card for my little one. Quite childish as she kept picking up my other nieces/nephews and cooing over them but ignored mine intentionally! Really messed up behaviour

It makes me really sad as mother in law always looking forward gossip so I don’t tell her anything, DH doesn’t care and obviously mum gives me no emotional support.

Any family gathering is tainted by her. I just want to get along with her even if it’s superficial.

I think do minimal visits. They alot mind games in my own family and I dont trust my mam. Google narcissist traits. Unfortunately not all families like the Waltons!! The whatsapp groups some weeks I mute them. !!!

OP, that sounds very hard but you are best to stay away from both your mother and sister and keep your children away from such unpleasantness.

It is hard but it's for the best.

There is no winning with people like that.

They are who they are.

Pure poison.

I just want to get on with her even if it’s superficial.

Unfortunately you cannot dictate how your sister and your mother act toward you. However, you can decide what you will and won’t accept. Being nice will make your sister even nastier; your sister has decided she doesn’t want to get along with you, which is why she would up the anti if you became nicer. It never works.

As your sister is not a physical danger to you and not emotionally abusing you (unlike my brother before I went nc), you can choose to continue to be low contact or no contact. If you want to be low contact, the only thing you can do is to pretend that she’s a child - for her behaviour is very childish and your mother’s behaviour is that of an overindulgent mum, who is being picked on - even when the overwhelming evidence is to the contrary. The most effective behaviour would be ignoring the bad behaviour and applying grey rock. When things are unacceptable, what do you say to toddlers / very little children when it is no longer possible to ignore naughty behaviour? Things like ‘no thank you’….

They have zero incentive to change their behaviour when you accept it and you are looking at this from the perspective that you are in a weak position. You can be in charge of this but you have to choose strength. For it’s likely that you’ve been chosen as the scapegoat precisely because you’re strong, stronger than them. You got away from your mother and became a functioning adult, whereas did not. Your mother is very willing to side with your sister because this does her job : ie punish you for being disloyal to your mother by detaching and not being needy. This is likely a pattern in your family going back generations. It is in mine on both sides.

You are not alone. There are a lot of us like this out there. You are strong and have broken the cycle of low level abuse for you are treating all your n&n the same. And I do not doubt that you will do the same with your children. Treating them equally and as individuals. The fact that you are this way and failing to react to your sister, she is going to up the anti with you. So : Boundaries Boundaries Boundaries.

And remember just because they proclaim the opposite to always be true, know you are the honourable one. I’ve had this all my life from my mother and brother. Abuse from both and when I finally went nc and she complained to me, I got angry and told her precisely why some very inappropriate things he did to me as a child, she looked shocked for a moment (even though she actually was aware of a lot of what happened), composed herself then declared that I was nasty snd violent with him as a child. Just fucking how?! I’ve always been physically weak, small boned, many inches shorter and younger. I’m sure this all sounds very familiar.

IP it is tough but you need to start taking responsibility for your side of this. If she upsets you, dont invite her to do things with you. Dont see her, dont phone. Dont expect stuff from her and then get upset if she doesnt deliver. And dont blame her for stuff you chose to do - like deleting yourself from a family WhatsApp group.

Stop expecting your mum to explain or condemn or comment on your sister's choices- she is not responsible for them. Invite her (your mum) to your place or meet in neutral places without your sister present.
Tell your siblings not to carry tales to you, tell them you dont want to know.

You cant control your sister's actions, or your mother's , but you can control your reaction to them or take yourself out of their orbit.

Sod that.
NC.

@Mummyoflittledragon I’m so sorry to hear what you have been through. Yes going NC with your brother was good. He sounds absolutely vile.

Thank you to everyone who has given me advice and just listened. Sometimes I feel I am going crazy as they make me out to be the trouble maker as I call the eldest out on her behaviour. It’s like my parents are under some kind of spell! I can’t believe how many people are actually in my position. Just read about scapegoat and golden child and it runs true.

It’s actually eldest birthday tomorrow and I’m not sure if I should wish her happy birthday. Stupidly I have always texted her even though she never does. Would you text her?

Thanks. Do what you prefer to do. Don’t text her if you don’t want to. You know you will be called our on it. Your answer of you decide not to, say something simple like “I forgot” plus shrug. And your mum / she continues, you could play them at their game with something ridiculous along the he lines of their replies to you eg “oh well, if she must have a birthday in all this heat” plus a nonchalant shrug. Grey Rock. Seem disinterested. I hate we you do, do not explain.

I hate… = whatever you do, do not explain or get into right fighting.

I wouldn't, just cut her out of your life. You'll be happier for it. And I speak from experience, it's such a relief!

I have a similar situation though it’s more subtle.
I have decided after years of heartbreak that it’s time to accept nothing is ever going to change.
I am now superficially polite but don’t confide in them, don’t expect support or empathy and keep
My distance as much as possible. I don’t hope things will improve anymore. I don’t like either of them and they don’t like me. I just have to live with that.

Don’t text her. If someone comments just say that its obviously not important to her as she never texts on birthdays for you or your family.

OP it doesnt matter what we'd do, this is for you to decide. Text her or don't text her depending on what you want to do.

I’d go nc, they are both catty bitches and will never change. Hugs from one who knows.