I really don’t like my mother and sister

[Fedup12423]

Nc for this. I probably sound like a teenager saying I hate them but I’m in my 30’s.

I can’t speak to anyone in RL so please be kind. My mum has always been unfair and always backs up my eldest sister. All other siblings think this so not just me. I’m the youngest, The eldest I’ve realised over time just wants her own way, she’s jealous, manipulative and just not a very nice person at all. She’s actually in her 50’s but acts like s stroppy teenager. Just recently for example I posted a picture of my baby on our family what’s app group, my other siblings were posting messages saying how cute he is and then I got a call from my second sibling telling me eldest has removed herself from group and how immature of her. Basically if things are not about her then she gets jealous she’s not the Centre of attention. Mums take on this was well she’s busy so has no time for WhatsApp! She makes excuses for her all the time I’m fed up. This is not the first time as we had an extended WhatsApp group with cousins and one cousin posted something totally innoncent and she flew off the handle on the group saying she posted it to make us jealous. She then made us all delete ourselves from group. She then called mum and dad who as usual backed her up! They said the cousin put that up to shit stir! Totally bs as it was just something she was proud of. This was about 3 years ago and I’m angry with myself for deleting myself from WhatsApp group and know you will say you’re a grown up woman but don’t underestimate the pressure from this kind of person who is absolutely relentless.

Hundreds of other examples where she’s shown she’s so childish where we all have picked up her nastiness but no our mum defends her.

I have over the years bought her kids (my nieces n nephews) presents, cards etc. But she has never even wished my kids happy birthday! She’s never even asked how I’m coping with new baby.

I just wish my mum would stop defending her and tell her the truth that she needs to stop acting like a child and grow up.

I phoned up my mum today as I was feeling a little down maybe PND and said I might visit her next week with kids. Her response was she’s going to check when eldest is coming and if I do come I need to “behave” and not fight with her! Basically I should shut up and not respond when the eldest goes on her tantrums and ignore her outbursts.

There is no special needs or mental issues with eldest I need to add. She is normal and controls her temper around her friends. It’s just us, her husband and Inlaws who know her true personality. One of her friends witnessed her craziness a d does t talk to her (probably more than just one friend but she’s the only one I know about, eldest doesn’t exactly own up to this, we just heard from husband).

2 of her kids are exactly like her and behave like Spoilt brats who need to get their way.

I know I should have got used to this by now but I feel really upset snd lonely. I don’t want to hate my mum, I want my kids to love her like they love my MIL but I’m really sad she feels the need to always make the rest of us feel like if we don’t get along with eldest there’s no place in my mums heart for us.

This will probably be really outing if someone from family reads this but I do t care anymore - my parents are similar to her as in they don’t speak to their families. When my mum guilts us into speaking to eldest I remind her that dad snd her don’t speak to their families snd she just kicks off and starts screaming and crying at me.

I’m really fed up, I wish I had a normal family.

I have been NC with my sister since Oct 2019, it’s so liberating and the best decision I made in the circumstances! It truly felt as though a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders, not least because she can’t hurt me anymore

[quote Fedup12423]@Mummyoflittledragon I’m so sorry to hear what you have been through. Yes going NC with your brother was good. He sounds absolutely vile.

Thank you to everyone who has given me advice and just listened. Sometimes I feel I am going crazy as they make me out to be the trouble maker as I call the eldest out on her behaviour. It’s like my parents are under some kind of spell! I can’t believe how many people are actually in my position. Just read about scapegoat and golden child and it runs true.

It’s actually eldest birthday tomorrow and I’m not sure if I should wish her happy birthday. Stupidly I have always texted her even though she never does. Would you text her?[/quote]
No. I'd block her

I feel such sympathy for you but its more common than you think. I have been NC with my mum for 10 weeks now and honestly I've felt great for it. No more endless criticism, no more "golden child aka my younger sibling" and no more listening to her endless whining about absolutely everything. It really was a hard decision but one I had to make as I was fed up of not having a voice, and not being allowed to call anyone in my family out on their behaviour. She slated my sibling to all of us but then still has him on a pedestal where she refuses to believe that he can do anything wrong. She even justified him seriously assaulting someone by saying that the guy was overreacting about his injuries and that he basically deserved to be attacked :(

Someone very wise said to me that the only thing that binds you to family is DNA and if they're not people you like, and you wouldn't choose them as friends then there is no obligation on you to keep them in your life. I think sometimes we have this massive sense of family obligation and it allows people to get away with some truly awful behaviour. If its affecting you this much then you can walk away. We have to keep reminding ourselves that relationships aren't defined by the other person and what they want - we can choose how we want a relationship to look, and whether one even exists at all.

I'm nc with mother and siblings. We've been conditioned in life that this is unacceptable but if someone is toxic in your life there comes a time when you should decide how much energy if any you are willing or are able to contribute to these people.
For me any contribution at all was too much in the end. As PP have said, it's better you face the reality of what you already know, you can't go to your mum or sister for support, so see who else you can and focus more on those relationships.
For me it took a lot of practice not going back down the same old rabbit holes so keep practicing not picking up the phone to your mum when you feel down and instead find someone or something else to help you.
Good luck

Don't text her today. There will be hell to pay from both her and your mother but stand strong. You could always say ypu thought there was a joint agreement to not acknowledge siblings' birthdays any more, as she never does yours.

Stand strong.