AIBU to feel like society puts so much pressure…

[Kiwiinparis]

On everyone to have the best of the best, a beautiful house, expensive car, exotic and expensive holidays while bringing up kids and paying for day to day life.

Where I live you are seen as being successful or having made it by having most of the above categories ticked off.

Do I have the mindset of a dying generation that paying off your mortgage quicker, having savings in the bank and being financially stable is far more important?

I feel like society these days is so focused on the way they look to everyone else and that success is measured in what physical items you own rather than how smart you are with money and being financially responsible.

In particular what you see on social media of men and women who seem to “have it all” and yet in reality half have maxed out credit cards and little to no savings in the bank.

How does everyone else here judge success in others?

Are you talking about social media or real life? Social media, I would agree with you. But generally everyone on social media is out to make money and sell you something, so I'm not surprised people push the commercial ideal there.

Meanwhile in the real world, I don't think people have that same pressure.

I think you just have to do what makes you feel most successful and secure.

Some people like to enjoy the moment and have nice things, others plan for the future. Some can afford to do both. Some can afford neither!

Society doesn’t put pressure on anyone. There is no compulsion to do these things. If you associate with people and forums who are into these things then you will be influenced but it’s really about your own circle of influence.

Great comments thank you! I meant both in social media and real life, but as pp said it all depends on your circle of influence I guess.

@sst1234

Society doesn’t put pressure on anyone. There is no compulsion to do these things. If you associate with people and forums who are into these things then you will be influenced but it’s really about your own circle of influence.

I agree.

I use bus and don't give a fuck what someone would think. I also don't feel pressured into exotic holidaysor expensive house. If anything I am smugly sitting in my shit postcode looking at same houses 1 mile away for triple the price🙈

I like nice things. Who doesn't. But it's something I like, not something someone else liked and put on insta. There are tons of pretty affordable things.

Also, I really don't like the insinuations on here (mn in general) that people who do and have stuff must surely be in debt. Some rlare, some aren't.

Success is subjective. Everyone judges success differently because it means different things to them. For someone it's flat on Canary Wharf, own vompany, new BMW and nooney worries. For someone else it will be nice job, nice house, and family time. For someone success means simply they don't have to worry about bills, have comfortable life, but don't need anything expensive really. Different things.

What I am not successful in is getting handlg of this fucking keyboard 🙄

Success in life is generally thought of in terms of wealth. When people say, as they often do, 'So and so has done well for himself/ herself,' they are invariably talking about financial assets or tangible assets such as a fine home or expensive car.
I don't agree that there is pressure on individuals to achieve financial success though. It's up to each person to decide what success means to them. For many it will mean a happy family, for others it may be the dream home and exotic holidays. For others, all those things and many more criteria.

No, personally I don’t think this. I’m not remotely interested in having a top of the range car (I can’t drive) designer goods, flashy holidays or keeping up with/being seen to keep up with ‘the best’. I don’t follow those kind of people online - I follow artists and crafty people on insta because I like looking at their work so I’m more likely to be inspired by a piece of art or the quirky clothing they wear. I don’t live in an area where being a flashy twat is the norm - I’m in London and there’s a real diversity of people in my local community which I love. The only things I feel inspired by are things I genuinely like that make me feel good about myself and give me pleasure, so I don’t recognise the world you talk about. If I followed a load of love island type influencers or lived in footballer-ville like Alderley Edge or somewhere then I’m sure I’d notice these kinds of people

Paying off a mortgage (quickly or otherwise) is also societal pressure really.

We live in a capitalist society. People say you can opt out of it as much as they like but choices aren't made in a vacuum.

Success to me means options. The option to be with loved ones as much as you want to, or to be able to do a meaningful job, not necessarily one which is financially rewarding. Because either or both of those things mean a life to look back on without regret.

@WhiskersPete

We live in a capitalist society. People say you can opt out of it as much as they like but choices aren't made in a vacuum.

You don't need to opt out. I don't think that's really possible You can, however, control your own choices to massive extent. It is a choice to spend 300 quid on trainers which look lile they've been used for last decade for tracking through mountains. There is no societal pressure really for things like that. But the sellers know well how to play into people's insecurities

I don't use any social media but I have friends that like to portray that life whist up to their eyeballs in debt, I'm sure they think my life is pretty mediocre but in reality ive:
Bought my 10yr old up alone to be a happy little boy who is polite and kind
Paid off my mortgage (bought house for 30k in 1997)
A nice car 2013 plate but nice
Bought a tent for a camping holiday
And dropped my hrs to 3 days a week so I can have quite time with my son. Those things matter to me for than anything else.

In my cycle of friends, people just prioritise what means most to them. Some go on very nice holidays but drive old cars. One has the most amazing house, but has little disposable income. Her house means much more than being able to go shopping or on exotic holidays. Some spend a lot on activities. One has just bought an e-bike for 5000 pounds, but drives a10 year old car that is probably worth less than the bike!!

No-one cares much about status. We value each other for who we are, not what we have.

Have noticed at work you can tell how much someone gets paid by the car they drive. The junior levels drive brand new cars (on finance) where the more senior drive cars around 5 years old.

I'm nearly 40 and am only in the past few years really seeing this in myself. Happiness and content is not in objects, it's in what you do.

Only if you associate with people who are materialistic, online or off.

I live in an expensive inner suburb area of old houses with no off-street parking which is overwhelmingly populated by senior medics (near hospitals), architects, academics, and people who work in the creative industries — there’s a documentary maker, a major gallery curator, various artists and writers.

They’re all successful in their fields, some very much so, and many have a lot of money, but most people cycle everywhere (and the cars are pretty battered and get their wing mirrors torn off on a regular basis because even houses that cost a lot often don’t have parking), virtually all the kids go to the nearby state primary where DS goes, and no one is trailing about in designer gear cycling to work with the kids in a trailer. Our neighbour is a consultant urologist who wears the same three tee shirts out of work. The pair of architects on the other side seem to do camping holidays mostly.

The houses are beautiful and old, sure, with huge gardens and a lovely view onto the river, but they’re also moneypit Georgian or Victorian terraces or semi-detacheds with access up or down fifty steps. Our next door neighbours have had the same leak for 30 years.

I mean, these people are successful and well-off but aren’t on some kind of treadmill of the ‘best schools’, the ‘best cars’’, the ‘best exotic holidays’ — where exactly are you encountering this pressure?

There are times for most of us that we use money as a 'way of keeping the score'.
Salary is a simple way to measure where your career is. The value of your house is a way to see how you are doing compared to others in other jobs.

Many men have found cars interesting and fun. Holidays in the sun and in places of culture can be very enjoyable.
Some people have conspicuously remained in this mode for a long time. Although they are vocal and can be 'pushy' they only kid themselves that they are setting the pace. Over the long run quality and ethics win out.

Advertising works.

I don’t care about flash cars and drive a very old one but I have also prioritised lots of holidays over paying off the mortgage quicker or having substantial savings. In non COVID times I love going away and holidays (and planning them!) bring me lots of joy.

@PaulaPetunia

Advertising works.

I mean, it clearly does, or companies would not sink vast resources into it, but I do find myself wondering at those expensively samey car ads you see at the cinema (cool man drives cool car through desert/Iceland/ mountain pass with cool hairpin bends looking cool) — I mean, do people really think ‘Gosh, I was going to buy [reliable family car] but now that I’ve seen this ad, I’m SOLD!!!’

Mind you, I sometimes wonder the same about those ads for XXXXL rayon dresses or men’s slacks you see at the back of Sunday supplements…

This isn't societal pressure. It has to do with the circles you move in, in my opinion.

I will never have to "worry" about paying off mortgages - quickly or not - or a lot of savings in the bank because I don't have an option to have either.

Certain individuals are like that, yes.

My FIL being one of them. He's actually a very stingy man, but he continually sneers at us for not doing our house up to us standards, and asks me pointedly when I'm getting a new car etc.

(Side note - he whinges about the cost of decor in their home which MIL plans, three new kitchens in the last ten years. It's a matter of taste obviously, but I much prefer our victorian terrace/scandi decor to theirs - it's not like we couldn't afford their style, we just find it naff!)

But somehow we soldier on with our life plan to enjoy ourselves as we please and never be quite on top of the painting jobs in the house and retiring at 55 to travel, at which point they'll be on kitchen 42...

three new kitchens in the last ten years.

That's nuts. Do they get bored easily?

To determine whether you have achieved success in life can surely on be measured at the end of your life if you get the opportunity to reflect in old age. This is the time when many people will tell you that the great paying job, material items and status fizzle to an insignificance as true success is measured by the good times, the people you have shared your life with and the sense of a life well lived. It's a bit heavy but true.

It's about who you associate with my brother and SIL are part of that crowd, he in particular earns well but they've got no savings and no pensions, they have designer dogs a flash car on finance, multiple expensive holidays a year but a big mortgage on a new build they've just added to to AstroTurf the garden and install a hot tub, their friends are all the same. DH and I earn similar but no one in our circle lives like that, we have savings, we renovated our bathroom recently but saved the money first, we have cars that are 7 and 9 years old in good condition but not prestige brands. Our house is older and needed a lot of work when we bought it but it's bigger and has more potential for the future, we don't have a designer dog we have a rescue cat. We live within 15 miles of each other in the same county. It's who you surround yourself with.