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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Re DH's banking alerts

50 replies

alexaplaychristmassongs · 21/07/2021 10:08

Please help me figure out if I'm being unreasonable here.

For background, DH are happily married, no issues, equal trusting relationship.

We have a joint account which both our salaries go into and it's our main account for everyday living. We also have our own accounts, where we each get a certain amount (the same each) each month for buying personal stuff (clothes or whatever)

When he got a new credit card, the bank informed him of a service whereby you get mobile notifications after every transaction that takes place, so you can keep an eye for anything untoward. So he has these alerts on for all his accounts.

Now, I personally hate it that he gets pinged every time I make a purchase on the joint account. I can't really describe why, I just find it really annoying. It's not like he questions what I'm buying or anything like that (we are lucky not to have to scrimp) but I still just hate it. Sometimes he makes a joke like 'oooh Zara home 39.99 what's that then, another vase... ho ho ho' 🙄🙄

Last night we had a bit of a row about it and he said well I'll turn it off and you have it on your phone then, but one of us should. I really don't want it on line as I'd find it super annoying getting all those notifications.

So AIBU to find this irritating - would it bother you or not?!

So should I just get over it

OP posts:

Palavah · 21/07/2021 10:09

I wouldn't find it annoying that he got the notifications, but I would find it annoying that he made passive-aggressive comments about my purchases.

Taliskerskye · 21/07/2021 10:12

Pings for every single transaction!? That’s beyond annoying.

remotecontrollerz · 21/07/2021 10:12

My DP has this and sends me similar jokey texts when I've bought something, I find it funny so personally don't see a problem

iwilldoitsoon · 21/07/2021 10:16

I can't say it would bother me if it was going to someone else's phone tbh. He could equally check the bank online every day and comment on your purchase. Your problem is your husband commenting on your purchases.

rishisboater · 21/07/2021 10:16

Tell him the jokes upset you. Many a true word said in jest and all that. Over time it will start to feel like he's questioning you even if he isn't intending to

LubaLuca · 21/07/2021 10:18

We have this on the joint account. Even if we didn't, we would still look at the transactions regularly and check with each other that they were correct. If I was making purchases I didn't want to talk about, it wouldn't be from the joint account - I have my own credit card for things I want to buy without explanation eg birthday presents for my husband, dildos, guns.

I normally get 'Greggs again?' messages from him

tallduckandhandsome · 21/07/2021 10:18

i would hate this. DH and I both put nearly the same into joint account each month for mortgage, bills etc but whereas I use the joint account for food, takeaways etc, he chooses not to, so I would hate him getting constant notificaitons of what I'm up to.

Aposterhasnoname · 21/07/2021 10:22

We have the same, the “jokey” comments stopped when I started doing exactly the same back to him. I have a credit card now that I put everything on, then pay off once a month so he doesn’t see each individual transaction.

ChainJane · 21/07/2021 10:23

I think you are being unreasonable. It's a joint account therefore he has every right to see everything being spent on it. Why not just make your purchases on you private account if it's an issue? Your post makes it sound like he is the sensible one making sure he is alerted if there are suspicious transactions on your account.

Essentialironingwater · 21/07/2021 10:23

I think it's reasonable if he's happy for you to have the alerts, for safety reasons. The jokes are annoying though. My husband gets pinged when I buy something on his amex (I have a companion card) but he never says anything unless it looks odd and he's worried it's not me. But I manage our budget/finances more generally.

LemonTT · 21/07/2021 10:25

He’s making passive aggressive comments for a reason. Maybe he wants more control over spending. But that needs to be an open discussion between you about how you manage and control finances. That’s not just relevant for people with limited means, it applies to most people.

Personal accounts are for the purchase of items that don’t come under joint. That can include nice to have but unnecessary items. You need to decide what these are.

Basically why don’t you just have it out and air the different approaches to money management. Then there are loads of solutions on how to do it. Instead of alerts you can just go through the statements together weekly or monthly.

gamerchick · 21/07/2021 10:26

Who the fuck would want to be pinged after every transaction, that would drive me batshit. Very glad I don't have online banking sometimes.

Tell him to turn then off or you'll have your salary paid into your own account and will transfer what you need to for bills. Then just use your own bank account.

Never, ever sharing finances with a bloke me. Sounds like a right PITA.

chorizoTapas · 21/07/2021 10:27

My dh has this... it stops me spending unnecessarily. And yes it is intrusive

GaspingGekko · 21/07/2021 10:30

This function is automatic and you can't switch it off where I live.
It's a great function, I know if something is happening that shouldn't, I've also been able to prove a transaction went through when a self serve kiosk froze on me.

My husband also initially made comments like yours. I hated it, and each time told him to stop cyber stalking me.
He eventually got the message and now only gets in touch if I make an unexpected or large purchase, just to check.

On the whole it's a great feature but he really does need to stop with the comments.

LemonRedwood · 21/07/2021 10:31

We have this too and we both get the alerts. DH has only ever commented on it once when he came out to help me bring the shopping in once - "I knew you'd be on your way back because the notification said you'd used the card in Tesco!" That was only once and when it was a still bit of a novelty. Funny how he doesn't rush out to help with the bags so much anymore 😂

I find the notifications useful for keeping an eye on what's going out and coming in of the accounts as I'm a bit rubbish as looking at statements regularly. I do agree with him that it's helpful for one of you to have the notifications on. But I would be annoyed with constant comments, even if they are presented as "jokey".

Converse72 · 21/07/2021 10:32

I'd be doing things like making large purchases from Ann Summers on purpose just to wind him up. A dating site perhaps?!

caughtinanet · 21/07/2021 10:41

@gamerchick

Who the fuck would want to be pinged after every transaction, that would drive me batshit. Very glad I don't have online banking sometimes.

Tell him to turn then off or you'll have your salary paid into your own account and will transfer what you need to for bills. Then just use your own bank account.

Never, ever sharing finances with a bloke me. Sounds like a right PITA.

I have that on my card and it isn't the least bit annoying, granted I'm not Imelda Marcus so a notification silently popping up on my phone screen every now and then is of no consequence at all and I've had a credit card cloned in the past and would rather know straight away if it happened again.

I do agree you with that I'd never have a jont credit card, that seems to be the answer here

Kazziek · 21/07/2021 10:43

Another one with the stalker app. As it's a joint account I also have the option of being constantly pinged with every transaction, but I really can't be arsed. Yes I too get the occasional comment, DH has been told to get to fuck and I'll buy what I want. Sometimes I go to Primark just to piss him off 😁

sbhydrogen · 21/07/2021 10:45

Maaaan, a notification for every transaction would irritate the hell out of me. But then again, I've turned off all notifications on my phone except SMS and phone calls (would recommend).

TillyTopper · 21/07/2021 10:45

YABU I think, if he doesn't mind the constant pings what's the issue. At least he should spot anything untoward very quickly. His comments sounds jokey more than passive aggressive.

VexedofVirginiaWater · 21/07/2021 10:47

Yes - he shouldn't be commenting unless he's got a genuine concern, and it doesn't seem fair that you don't get notifications when he buys something (even if as you say you would find them annoying). I don't really understand with a joint account - can the notifications only go to one person?

If he hadn't made the comments, would you even have realised he was getting the notifications?

Rmka · 21/07/2021 10:50

I think YABU. He's right one of you should get these alerts, so if you're not happy with him getting them, you should step up. Fraud is more common than you think and if not spotted on time, it can affect your credit score even if your finances are otherwise healthy. I have alerts set up on all my accounts and cards. I don't find them annoying at all.

However you should address his "jokes". That's out of order. Maybe if he stops commenting on your purchases then you'll be ok with him getting the alerts?

daisyjgrey · 21/07/2021 10:50

I have this for my accounts. It's useful and I spotted something had gone wring instantly when someone had cloned my card/got hold of my details and spent my money.

If he's genuinely joking and just being interested in what you've bought and it's making you feel weird then either you have a problem and his interest makes you aware of it or you have to have a chat and tell him to just shhh, although it would be reasonable for him to say "did you spend £120 in Anthropologie today? Just checking it's legit" etc.

OR you move the alerts to your phone and suck it up that it's "annoying" and take on the responsibility of spotting any fraudulent use.

VexedofVirginiaWater · 21/07/2021 10:51

Derailing a bit for a rant (sorry OP) don't know if it's something I've done but I only get completely useless notifications from my banking app (not a joint account).

For example, it would be really useful to get a notification when a payment, such as my salary has gone in - but no, nothing. However, when I check and see my salary has gone in and I transfer some money to my savings account (to stop me spending it all at once ) then it bleeps me straight away saying £xxx has been transferred into your account. How completely fucking useless is that - of COURSE I know it's gone in - I bloody transferred it, who else do they think did it?

Sorry again for the derail OP.

TimeForTeaAndG · 21/07/2021 10:52

@TillyTopper

YABU I think, if he doesn't mind the constant pings what's the issue. At least he should spot anything untoward very quickly. His comments sounds jokey more than passive aggressive.

Jokey comments can quickly become irritating though. Like yes ha ha it was funny the first couple of times but now it's not so quit saying it. The man is a grown up, he should be able to take on board that his comments are not appreciated without saying that OP has to have the pings instead or having a row about it.

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