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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Re DH's banking alerts

50 replies

alexaplaychristmassongs · 21/07/2021 10:08

Please help me figure out if I'm being unreasonable here.

For background, DH are happily married, no issues, equal trusting relationship.

We have a joint account which both our salaries go into and it's our main account for everyday living. We also have our own accounts, where we each get a certain amount (the same each) each month for buying personal stuff (clothes or whatever)

When he got a new credit card, the bank informed him of a service whereby you get mobile notifications after every transaction that takes place, so you can keep an eye for anything untoward. So he has these alerts on for all his accounts.

Now, I personally hate it that he gets pinged every time I make a purchase on the joint account. I can't really describe why, I just find it really annoying. It's not like he questions what I'm buying or anything like that (we are lucky not to have to scrimp) but I still just hate it. Sometimes he makes a joke like 'oooh Zara home 39.99 what's that then, another vase... ho ho ho' 🙄🙄

Last night we had a bit of a row about it and he said well I'll turn it off and you have it on your phone then, but one of us should. I really don't want it on line as I'd find it super annoying getting all those notifications.

So AIBU to find this irritating - would it bother you or not?!

So should I just get over it

OP posts:

AnotherDayAnotherCake · 21/07/2021 11:02

but I still just hate it. Sometimes he makes a joke like 'oooh Zara home 39.99 what's that then, another vase... ho ho ho' 🙄🙄
YANBU. My DH does the same, except it’s worse since he’s been wfh because every time there is a delivery he’ll make a comment about me ‘treating myself again’.

Can’t your DH just log onto the internet banking at the end of each day to check there’s nothing untoward going on?

Sometimes I’ll pay with cash just to avoid the inevitable comments… ‘did you get another Costa today?’ sort of thing. MYOB!!!

BarbaraofSeville · 21/07/2021 11:08

The alerts would have me raging. I cannot be in ear shot of phones that bing and bong all the time.

I can't say who's being unreasonable about this, but it could be that you need to have a proper discussion about what the joint account is used for in terms of purchases that are non essential.

Using your '39.99 vase from Zara Home' as an example, could it be that he thinks you have too many of these already?

He would probably never buy a vase in his life if it was up to him, so wouldn't see why one of these should be bought out of the joint account, when in reality, it's a nice thing for you that he probably thinks should come out of your money.

WestendVBroadway · 21/07/2021 11:09

I realise what I am going to say does not help with the pinging. However would it not be more convenient for you both to have your salaries paid into your individual personal accounts, then each transfer a fixed amount into the joint account monthly? This is the way DH and I do it, the joint account is used for all household bills and spending, plus saving for holidays, car bills etc. That way no one knows ( or cares ) what you are spending your own money on. I realise that you may prefer your way, but if that is the type of account you chose to have then you should accept the notifications.

CheekiBreeki · 21/07/2021 11:10

I've been the victim of card cloning before. This security feature is very useful. Your DH is right - at least one of you should have it.

Mypathtriedtokillme · 21/07/2021 11:17

Dh and I have something similar.
It used to annoy me then I actually thought about it and it’s no different than when we go through the statement each month.

Now when he makes jokey comments I send bet you wish you were here texts and photos when the kids and I are out and about in school holidays and take the piss out him.

daisyjgrey · 21/07/2021 11:32

@BarbaraofSeville

You can tailor notifications to how you want them. My phone hasn't made a noise since about 2011 but I still manage to be aware of what's happening...technology is useful, if you know how to use it.

TakeYourFinalPosition · 21/07/2021 11:35

I have this, on my personal and business cards, and DHs credit card. The notifications don’t make noise, but it’s useful to have.

The comments are the problem, really - do you think he genuinely thinks he’s being amusing, and it’s just touched a nerve as you feel a bit awkward about using the joint account for some reason, or do you think they’re intended as barbed comments?

Sunshineandflipflops · 21/07/2021 11:44

That would annoy me immensely.

My brother used to log everything he and his ex wife spent. They kept receipts for everything and whenever she bought something, she would give the receipt to him to log. She even used to joke about having no financial autonomy and quite liked being "looked after" in that way, even thought she worked too and I think actually earned more than him.

They are divorced now anyway but I could never understand why you would be happy for someone else, even your partner to know every time you bought something and how much it was. Even birthday presents for each other.

So yes, that would be an invasion of my privacy I think to have alerts everytime I bought something. It's not hard to check your online banking every few days to make sure all is ok.

Tinpotspectator · 21/07/2021 16:01

The jokes are passive aggressive, and the alerts per item are judgemental, surely. If he has an issue he should say. If you happen to be an overspender on joint money, you should stop, and also he should tell you that outright.

Bargebill19 · 21/07/2021 16:05

You can toggle it on or off on our accounts. But we both check daily anyway. Having had a card stolen and one cloned we find it gives us peace of mind.

Hankunamatata · 21/07/2021 16:06

Mine only messages for direct debits, standing orders and payments in or transfers. Doesn't ping for purchases.

PeonyTime · 21/07/2021 16:14

It was also automatic where we used to live.
I resorted to taking out as much cash as the ATM would allow in one transaction, then spending my way through that before getting more cash.
Not so great in a covid "card only" world.

Serendipity79 · 21/07/2021 16:19

I have "the pings" on all of my accounts and cards as I had a couple of credit cards cloned a year or so back. The pinging isn't the issue - as without that he could just go online and look at the transactions - the issue feels like its more about the comments on your spending

CombatBarbie · 21/07/2021 16:22

Just turn off the notifications on your phone under permissions? The last banking app update activated this as a new standard. DH still has it on, I turned it off after about 3 days.

VexedofVirginiaWater · 21/07/2021 16:26

@Bargebill19

You can toggle it on or off on our accounts. But we both check daily anyway. Having had a card stolen and one cloned we find it gives us peace of mind.

My toggle is on but it doesn't ping me about money coming from external accounts into my current account, which would be useful, only about money I transfer myself between accounts - which is annoying less useful. It only allows me to choose on or off.

Bargebill19 · 21/07/2021 16:30

@VexedofVirginiaWater that’s annoying! Ours alerts us to what has been spent and where plus all money transfers in and out. Eg, bank transfers/dd/wages etc.
You can customise the pings to what type of transaction you want to be notified about. To us, it’s a wonderful use of technology!

lastcall · 21/07/2021 16:40

I get keeping an eye on card usage as fraud is rampant these days, but the passive aggressive comments about your purchases are completely out of order. Completely. They need to stop.

Mseddy · 21/07/2021 16:44

We have this and my card declined in asda last week. Because of the instant notification he got the decline and quickly threw enough money into the account so it wouldn't decline again. Made me realise how useful it was :) although we only use that account for grocery shopping so anything else I buy he doesn't get pinged for

skippy67 · 21/07/2021 16:44

@gamerchick

Who the fuck would want to be pinged after every transaction, that would drive me batshit. Very glad I don't have online banking sometimes.

Tell him to turn then off or you'll have your salary paid into your own account and will transfer what you need to for bills. Then just use your own bank account.

Never, ever sharing finances with a bloke me. Sounds like a right PITA.

Agreed! Been with DH 30 years, and have never had a joint account and never will.

chunderwunder · 21/07/2021 16:58

Push notifications are a load of annoying wank.

Bargebill19 · 21/07/2021 17:01

@chunderwunder. You can always toggle them to off. Unlike the ops OH comments. 🤣

GoWalkabout · 21/07/2021 17:02

Let it go. I find it useful.

caughtinanet · 21/07/2021 17:12

@chunderwunder

Push notifications are a load of annoying wank.

So frustrating that's there no way to turn them off, oh, hang on ........

luckylavender · 21/07/2021 17:33

I have alerts which I love but the sound is off

beautifullymad · 21/07/2021 17:40

I like this feature, especially through this pandemic when things In shops were very rushed.

My husband s phone pings to alert him of each transaction. When things have been messed up at the till and I've had to scan the card twice sometimes three times, he can tell me if it's gone through three times or just the once.

If I'm buying anything for the home it's on the card, if I'm buying for me or friends I use money transferred to my personal account and it doesn't ping him.

I think the difference is the comments. If you have an issue between you with overspending on agreed limits then yes, to say something gently is appropriate. But if you don't have an agreement and money isn't tight then for him to comment isn't right. He needs to voice his concerns and you both discuss things calmly.

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