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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have confided in my 16 yo son

41 replies

FunnysInLaJardin · 20/07/2021 22:54

so, we went to a hotel last night. It was hot, DH hates the heat and got grumpy.

DH went to bed in a huff as the hotel was pretty shit and our room was hot and noisy.

I got upset as it is always me that organises and books these things and with bloody covid the only holiday on offer is this sort break locally.

So I went to the kids room and the DS's were sympathetic and said don't worry mum, its just too hot.

DH now has the arse that I told the kids, particularly DS1 who was the most sympathetic, that I was upset with DH.

Silly really, but I feel that talking to my DC about DH shouldn't be taboo. I didn't try to get them to take sides, just wanted a bit of comfort.

OP posts:
Cheesecake53 · 20/07/2021 22:58

YANBU at all.

Notimeforaname · 20/07/2021 23:00

Not being unreasonable. He is. Doesn't want anyone else to know how much of a child he is.

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/07/2021 23:04

Depends on what you said. And of course it’s about taking sides, they comforted you because you said DH was being an arse. He was but I’m not sure they needed to take on your sadness about it

ShaneTheThird · 20/07/2021 23:04

Yanbu its not like you poured your heart out about your relationship. You had a minor moan about him being an arse. My mother used to moaned about my dad to me a lot and he just grumps off knowing he is wrong.

PieceOfString · 20/07/2021 23:06

Family taboo topics are not usually helpful to anyone. Any topic of normal life should be an option to voice, it's all in how you bring it up and the approach you take. There's a big difference between, 'oh dear, your dad's not in a good mood with this heat, mind if I spend some time with you guys to give him some space, I don't think we'll improve each others mood otherwise'. And 'your bloody father's being a twat again, wish I'd never married him, hope you don't turn out like that'.
So you know, provided you weren't encouraging them to hate their dad and were being reasonable he shouldn't have a problem. Sounds like his self image doesn't cope well with the idea of him being a grump.

PercyPigandMe · 20/07/2021 23:32

Well not all depends on what you said. I wouldn't be comfortable with my 16 year old 'comforting' me after a row with his dad. If you just said ' I'm coming in here as me and your father have had words - the heat makes us grumpy!' then fine. Confiding in him about your relationship? I don't think that's fine, no

Fountainsoftea · 20/07/2021 23:39

My mum did this my entire life. Made me quite hostile towards my dad. Took me until adulthood to realise that my dad wasn't a complete arse, they're just incompatible.

Griefmonster · 20/07/2021 23:46

YABU. There is no reason to use your children as confidantes. Do you have a friend that you can vent to about these things?

OzziePopPop · 20/07/2021 23:57

@Fountainsoftea

My mum did this my entire life. Made me quite hostile towards my dad. Took me until adulthood to realise that my dad wasn't a complete arse, they're just incompatible.
This for me too. I’m extremely careful never to moan about DH to my children as a result.
Lou98 · 21/07/2021 00:02

@Fountainsoftea

My mum did this my entire life. Made me quite hostile towards my dad. Took me until adulthood to realise that my dad wasn't a complete arse, they're just incompatible.

Agree with this - although as it goes my dad was a complete arse. I hated being put in the middle like that though.

If you wanted comforting did you not have a friend you could have phoned?
I do personally think you're being U using your child to vent to about their dad

OliviaNewtAndJohn · 21/07/2021 00:03

I think you’re entitled to express that you’re a bit upset. If your dh was in bed in a huff, were you just expected to put up with the silent treatment in your hotel room? Not unreasonable to seek a bit of comfort, especially when away from home and you’ve nowhere else to go. I agree with a previous poster who said that minor rows shouldn’t be taboo, when kids are older.

Anoisagusaris · 21/07/2021 00:04

What did you say exactly?

TTCAbroad · 21/07/2021 00:04

Inclined towards YABU. Agree that subjects shouldn’t be ‘taboo’ but kids also shouldn’t be put in a position to comfort a parent - especially over something as trivial as a spat over a hotel room.

Instead of seeking comfort from your kids you should have discussed it with your husband.

Daydrambeliever · 21/07/2021 00:07

It really depends on what you said doesn't it.

Fountainsoftea · 21/07/2021 00:07

There's a difference between kids seeing rows and being brought in as allies. My kids see us row. I will also say things like'your dad's being a miserable arse', but he will also tell them'your mother being all dramatic. I wouldn't go and look for sympathy from the kids though. They might actually think he's right. 🤔

GreenTeaBlackCoffeeAndRedWine · 21/07/2021 00:08

I don't see an issue so long as you're not giving too much detail.

Parents need somewhere to rant too. Once kids are adults (or nearly adults) it's not unreasonable to confide in them. My mum often does the same now that I'm an adult myself.

NumberTheory · 21/07/2021 00:12

A trivial "Your dad's grumpy about the heat, so I'm hanging out here until bedtime. What's on TV?" type of comment is fine. If you needed comforting or sympathy to make you feel better then I think it's really unfair on your kids.

gavisconismyfriend · 21/07/2021 00:25

My mum used to do this and it was really divisive. Damaged my relationship with my dad and only now he’s dead do I see that she was responsible for that. It would be better to find another source for comfort and understanding than putting your kids in this position.

sadie9 · 21/07/2021 00:32

Children aren't there to provide emotional support to adults. A kid goes to its parent or a carer for 'comfort' and sympathy. If its the other way around, the kid ends taking on the parent/rescuer role and the parent takes the child/victim role.

Howshouldibehave · 21/07/2021 00:36

Your post doesn’t give us enough information. What exactly did you say to the kids? How did your DH learn what you’d told them?

Northernparent68 · 21/07/2021 01:37

@sadie9

Children aren't there to provide emotional support to adults. A kid goes to its parent or a carer for 'comfort' and sympathy. If its the other way around, the kid ends taking on the parent/rescuer role and the parent takes the child/victim role.
This.

There is also the danger of the op’s son turning into a mummy’s boy

Sandinmyknickers · 21/07/2021 09:06

@sadie9

Children aren't there to provide emotional support to adults. A kid goes to its parent or a carer for 'comfort' and sympathy. If its the other way around, the kid ends taking on the parent/rescuer role and the parent takes the child/victim role.
No, but as an adult now, I do worry about my mums emotional state and try to help/give her someone to talk to when I can. It's not a "burden" as long as not excessive because I love her and care, and we are ultimately two adults now. Agree with your comment to an extent especially if younger children and the parent does it all. But OP is human too with human feelings and as long as not a long rant or regular, I think letting her 16 year old know she's s a bit upset, (but will get over it) is actually quite healthy- as long as uts not excessive or regular. I also think uts so easy to take mums for granted, particularly boys, and it doesn't hurt to remember that their mum can have emotions too
SuperSleepyBaby · 21/07/2021 09:26

You should not be seeking emotional comfort from your child.

I am speaking as someone whose parents expect me to take care of their emotional needs. I have had to put firm boundaries in place and try not to feel guilty.

You should read this link about parentification “.... Parentification involves a role reversal between a parent and child, which causes kids to act as the emotional or practical caregiver.....”
www.parents.com/kids/development/what-is-parentification-spotting-the-warning-signs-and-how-to-let-kids-be-kids/

With my own children, they might be aware me and their dad argue now and then but they never are expected to be involved in the slightest. They might know we are annoyed with each other but they are not burdened with the details of the argument. I would never expect them to take sides or take a negative view of their dad just because I am annoyed with him. I think it is no harm for children to know that parents don’t always get on and are not perfect but can work their way through difficulties and move on from them.

grapewine · 21/07/2021 09:33

You should have texted a friend instead. YABU.

CoalCraft · 21/07/2021 09:36

Mmm, I think sixteen is still a little young for this. It could undermine the children's respect for the other parent for one thing, and for another, comforting and reassuring you is a form of emotional labour that children shouldn't be expected to provide for their parents. It can make them feel responsible. I started voluntarily offering this to my mum around this age, maybe a year or two older, when I could tell she was down, but you shouldn't be seeking it.

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