to have confided in my 16 yo son

[FunnysInLaJardin]

so, we went to a hotel last night. It was hot, DH hates the heat and got grumpy.

DH went to bed in a huff as the hotel was pretty shit and our room was hot and noisy.

I got upset as it is always me that organises and books these things and with bloody covid the only holiday on offer is this sort break locally.

So I went to the kids room and the DS's were sympathetic and said don't worry mum, its just too hot.

DH now has the arse that I told the kids, particularly DS1 who was the most sympathetic, that I was upset with DH.

Silly really, but I feel that talking to my DC about DH shouldn't be taboo. I didn't try to get them to take sides, just wanted a bit of comfort.

As a one off, depending on what was said like @PieceOfString said, i wouldnt beat yourself up.

But no, its not ok to do again. Moaning to kids about their dad will make them feel unstable.

Genuinely think about this...how do you think the kids felt afterwards? Worried? Annoyed at their dad? If they live with you then the emotional burden will be far higher than if they are adults moved out with their own families who can have perspective on the grumble. Its very different, but still not ideal, to meet an adult child out for coffee and pass comment that their dad is driving you up the wall than cooped up in a hotel room where they will likely be on high alert to dad upsetting you and may influence their behaviour, like sticking close to you and alienating him

For this kind of thing YANBU.

Just don't do what my Mum did age 8-+ and confide all the marriage problems as it's not a healthy dynamic - it's called emotional incest.

But just saying 'urgh I'm fed up your Dads being grumpy' is fine and likely they agree!

I think YABU. My mum did this a lot with me as a child and it affected my relationship with both of them tbh. She still does it but I can have better boundaries now.

My dad was always the monster, he can be huffy and a bit of an arse but he is also my dad. Naturally as a teenager we clashed anyway but I can see that my feelings and relationshop with my dad were worsened and used by my mum, and its only now I'm starting to repair the relationship.
I was expected to mediate, to have the argument for my mum with my dad whilst my mum sat there "getting upset", she was often the victim in a situation that wasn't about her. Then as a DC you are almost used as a weapon in the middle and its just a horrible place to be

Just don't do it. Text a friend, have a cry whatever but don't use your DC as emotional support when you've had an argument with their dad. It was very hot yesterday, everyone gets grumpy in the heat. I think you are making it out to be more than it was anyway and playing the victim card a little

yabu. My late husbands mother did this and the hurt stayed with him all his life. Kids are going to notice and need some kind of explanation sometimes. but its really not a good idea.

@Fountainsoftea

My mum did this my entire life. Made me quite hostile towards my dad. Took me until adulthood to realise that my dad wasn't a complete arse, they're just incompatible.

This. Please do not use your children as your talking therapy about your husband. It's massively unfair and traumatic.

My mum never did this when I was a teen but has tried sounding off about my df a few times since I've been an adult.
I just shut it down because I didn't want to hear relationship niggles as their child albeit an adult one

It was so hot. You are human. DS is almost an adult.

So long as you don't make a habit of it, and don't encourage him to either side with you, be go-between, peacemaker or parent to his own parents, it's OK as a one off.

Forgive yourself and your DH for behaving less than perfectly in the heat.

Thanks for the replies. It is interesting to see the range of views.

All I said was your dads in a grump and has gone to bed, so I’ve come up to see you. I said you know Dad and I never argue but he was such a miserable sod tonight.

DS 1 said oh mum don’t worry, the heat is getting to us all. I then stayed in their room for a bit and discussed why the windows wouldn’t open and the likelihood of anyone jumping out if they did open !

When I left I thanked DS 1 for his support and maturity.

The reason DH knew about it is because I told him what had happened and how much he had upset me.

All is fine today, I think he realised he was a misery and made me coffee as usual this morning 👍

I think the first bit is actually okay.

Its fine to say "your dad is being a grumpy sod so I've come to see you"

But the second bit thanking him for his support and maturity is not. He shouldn't need to offer you support and you are putting too much on a 16 yo, by offering praise for supporting you you are reinforcing that it is right that he supports you against your DH, it also reinforces the position that your DH was the buddy, and its just not a position you should put your DC in.

I also don't think you should have bought your 16YO into your discussions with your DH the next day. Again fine to say I went and spent time with the DC, not fine to say 'I was so upset I got support from DS1'. Dc are not weapons to be used in arguments or highlight your upset.

Anyway, as a one off its fine and its not going to cause longterm damage. But be careful in future the positions you put the Dc in when you have arguments with your dH

theres balance to be had here. I think telling your children bad things about their father is incredibly difficult for them as it creates dissonance and confusion if they still have a relationship with him. My mum confided all sorts to me that I wish I never knew.
On the other hand, its perfectly ok for children to hear normal annoyances, as they feel the atmosphere too and it affects them and then they know its not all because of them. It doesnt harm them to say dads being a grumpy bugger because of the heat and im annoyed now because I paid and sorted all this. Urgh, he needs to chill.

That doesn’t sound at all unreasonable, OP and I’m glad your DH seems to be coming round. Hope you enjoy the rest of your holiday.

It’s very healthy for your children to know that married couples argue. It’s also healthy for them to know you like to communicate with them. It’s healthy for them to be given an opportunity to listen and be kind. I think as long as you are clear that you aren’t asking them to take sides it’s fine

That doesn’t sound like the “needing comfort” from them you suggested in your OP.

Does DH know you’ve been telling your children how horrible you thought he was and that one of them was particularly annoyed, which you also suggested at the start?

So you made your kids father out to be an arsehole, dumped your issues on your kids and gave them your version of events because you wanted sympathy, and now you’re wanting sympathy because their father is angry you brought the kids into things and gave them only your version of events.

YABU.

I’d be pissed if I was your partner too. What if he then did the same some other time? It’s unfair to your son on many levels

The account of what you said to your DC is at odds to what you said in your OP in my opinion.
Sounds like an unbelievable fuss about nothing