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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to want to spend time with my 16year old

32 replies

staceyflack · 20/07/2021 19:44

And... how do I make it less of an issue between us. I'd like her to want to spend time with me, and I'd like to feel less sad / needy... 🙄

OP posts:
PrincessesRUs · 20/07/2021 20:22

Sounds obvious but what does she like doing? Have you tried finding a box set you can binge watch together?

PrincessesRUs · 20/07/2021 20:22

Is it a girl/boy? Offer to drive her somewhere she wants to go? Eg a nice shopping place further away than normal, do some shopping and have lunch?

rhowton · 20/07/2021 20:23

Can you take a trip together where you make her feel like a human in her own right instead of your daughter? It worked for my mum and I xxx

PrincessesRUs · 20/07/2021 20:23

Doh - just saw you said her!

mbosnz · 20/07/2021 20:24

Oh mate! I feel your pain. I just try to console myself that it's a sign we've done our job right, they're spreading their wings. I enjoy it when she's here, of her on free will. (Food helps).

Birkie248 · 20/07/2021 20:26

Going out for Food or spending money on her?

TheTurn0fTheScrew · 20/07/2021 20:29

mine is only 14, but going out for food often buys me some time, especially if it's somewhere instagrammable. Day trip to a different city works as well quite often. something a little different that she'd be unlikely to do with her mates.

SeeYaBeYa · 20/07/2021 20:32

Yeah I get you but this is a sign of a job well done. You'd be worried if she was thirty and had no friends and spent every waking minute with you, wouldn't you? Well, she's not going to build an independent life overnight and her starting now is good.

I know it's hard. It's especially hard if there's no other adult in the house and if seeing friends is difficult as it is at the moment. But she honestly has to do this. And on some level, you know that too.

Make your own plans. It feels a bit weird at first but by God it's liberating. Suggest things to her. Coordinate your diaries. This is how it is now she has her own schedule. It's still nice to come together but it isn't the default.

And congratulate yourself on a job well done raising a woman who is spreading her wings from the base she knows is secure. You're doing great.

Original poster
staceyflack · 20/07/2021 20:35

That's part of what upsets me... it feels so conditional now, on me spending money (that I haven't got). I mean can't she just want me for my personality and wit 😂 I miss watching Dora the Explorer cuddling on the sofa... 😢 I want us to do nothing together - it used to be our favourite thing! I'm struggling to adjust. Thanks for responses - I need some hobbies!

OP posts:
GoWalkabout · 20/07/2021 20:38

She'll be back OP, just not on demand any more!

ExtraOnions · 20/07/2021 20:38

Be interested in what she is interested in … my 15 year old DD is currently being assessed for High Functioning Autism, and if I want us to spend time together I have to be interested in her latest obsession - this is currently Ice Hockey, with a bit if K-pop, BTS, TXT and Genshin Impact thrown in - we can talk for hours !

Birkie248 · 20/07/2021 20:38

@staceyflack

That's part of what upsets me... it feels so conditional now, on me spending money (that I haven't got). I mean can't she just want me for my personality and wit 😂 I miss watching Dora the Explorer cuddling on the sofa... 😢 I want us to do nothing together - it used to be our favourite thing! I'm struggling to adjust. Thanks for responses - I need some hobbies!
Awww I do get you, I have DS18,DS16 and DD12 and they are all quite independent. If you don’t have money to spare, what about a board game or home spa type set up?? DS’ will still have a game of scrabble or cluedo with their old mum, and DD enjoys a good pamper session at home with me?
Birkie248 · 20/07/2021 20:39

Oh or card games with 2p bets!

SeeYaBeYa · 20/07/2021 20:43

I know, it is hard. You've given her all this time and now she doesn't want you etc.

But that she doesn't need you means your time has been put to good use. You have done what you need to do and done it well. You're not going to get validation for this from a 16 year old so validate yourself. Jesus Christ, it's an achievement.

And just as she is moving, you can move too. Remember those years and years of nights where you couldn't do any fucking thing? Well, bye bye they're over. Which is, yes, terrifying but oh the possibilities.

As for the time with her, you don't have to spend money. I played Scrabble with my 16 yo earlier (he's gone out now ofc) and I know he'd never admit it to his mates but he enjoyed it just as much as when he was younger, laughing at injokes and getting all competitive which just made it even funnier. (To no avail, I still beat him by 120 points haha.)

You have a shared history. If it's just the two of you then you have a really close shared history. Tap into that. And find your own wings lady. You've waited long enough.

Original poster
staceyflack · 20/07/2021 20:43

Thanks @SeeYaBeYa I know your right. I just get so sad. I feel rejected. I've had 2 big bereavements really close together. Terrible time. And still adjusting. Hoping Cruse will help. Too many changes at once! 💜

OP posts:
Demortuisnilnisibonum · 20/07/2021 20:47

Make/ get some lovely snacks and watch something of her choice on TV. Offer to paint her nails. My sympathies if she chooses Love Island Flowers

Original poster
staceyflack · 20/07/2021 20:48

It's not just the 2 of us, I have a nearly 14 year old too... who worships her sister, and is in a huge hurry to catch her up ASAP! So two for the price of one. 😩

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Original poster
staceyflack · 20/07/2021 20:51

Yes, I need to meet them where they are so to speak - let them choose what we do and book in dates. Plannings not my speciality - but that's what's needed. Thank you.

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SeeYaBeYa · 20/07/2021 20:53

Oh you poor lamb. I'm so sorry, that is rough. Even more so if the only person around you is a 16yo. They're not exactly known for their empathy!

Maybe have just one frank non confrontational chat? Not to put responsibility for your happiness onto her, but just to tell her you're struggling and that you'd like to organise some fun time with her to balance the grief and day to day drudgery? She won't see it or suggest it herself, she's not at that developmental stage yet. But depending on your relationship she may well appreciate you being honest with her as you both move forward on your journey together.

GrealishHairband · 20/07/2021 20:58

My 17 year old is never in the house these days and I miss her. She went out clubbing last night and came home and slept the day away before getting up to go out to work to earn more money to spend on cheap cocktails. I sympathise. But I console myself on a job well done.

pilates · 20/07/2021 21:09

I always think it’s a good sign when teenagers want to be out and about spending time with their friends. It’s very normal.

SuperCaliFragalistic · 20/07/2021 21:26

When I was 16 I drifted away from my mum and one of the big issues between us was that it seemed to me that she had no life of her own. She did retrain from teaching to a new career in her 40s but apart from that she had no real friends, no hobbies and no interest in anything that I considered even slightly interesting (sewing, reading was about it). I had nothing in common with her and avoided being in her company at all costs. I wanted to party and meet people and see the world. Things changed over the years and I guess as I matured I had more respect for her as an individual from when I was about 21+ but she developed herself more as well. She got into fitness and made a few friends. We ended up travelling round Australia and Asia together for a few weeks at a time on 3 seperate occasions and now we are close as equals. I don't think you paying for everything is the answer either. Maybe the odd treat but that doesn't gain you their respect in the long run. Get a life apart from your kids and they will naturally be drawn back to you show you more respect.

Original poster
staceyflack · 21/07/2021 13:20

Thanks folks. That's reassuring @SuperCaliFragalistic 😄

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Original poster
staceyflack · 21/07/2021 13:21

Ps. I went to an exercise class this morning, without a backward glance to the sofa! 😉

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Original poster
staceyflack · 21/07/2021 13:22

I said goodbye, and told her where I was going of course!

OP posts: