to feel offended by this comment from my lovely mum...

[Kewcumber]

...neices 18th brithday party last Saturday, drove my mum down with DS for the evening. Lot of friedns and family and a nice time was had by all.

This morning my mum says to me happily "your sister told me she thought you looked stunning on Saturday but that you have looked abysmal every other time she's seen you for the past 6 months".

She was thought that was a lovely compliment.

So I am being unreasonable to think

a) to describe me as "stunning" was patronising when actually I looked "nice"
b) the "compliment" would have sounded so much nicer if she hadn't added the qualifier.

I feel quite unreasonably upset about it.

I think some mums get a part of themselves stuck in the baby and toddler stage where they are used to teaching social skills and passing on their values. There is a small bit of them that hasn't noticed that their toddlers are now responsible adults who can make value judgements for themselves.

Mind you, there's a bit of me that is forever a difficult 15 year old when my mum is nearby. She will say something fairly innocuous and my stroppy teenage ears will hear something irritating or critical.

At least your mum's good in action, she was great to endure a wintery Kasakhstan (sp?) with you. That has to be much better than a mum who talks a good talk but fades away when action is called for.

you are of course right but Kazakhstan was last year. [stampys foot pouty face emoticon]

Not even slightly teenager-ish there Kew.

YANBU. It's a bit of a thoughtless thing to say, isn't it?

Maybe you did look stunning? I think we're always really hard on ourselves esp. the way we look.

I get this kind of comment quite a lot. FIL thought he'd make me feel really good by saying, "You're certainly nowhere near as slim as you were on your wedding day," I felt like saying, "At least I still have all my hair and all my teeth," Instead, as usual, my jaw went all slack with surprise at such a personal comment. Why I don't know. They're always pointing out that I've got a spot or some such thing. Nice.

I think you're very pretty, Kew. You've got a lovely smile.

lol @ last year. you make it sounds so passe

y'know, my mum drives me nuts but she pulls thru for me every time when the going gets really tough.

much as it pains me to say it, i have to be enormously grateful.

doesn't stop her day to day, seriously annoying, huffing/puffing, negative, critical posturing driving me nuts

isn't that just the problem Paddle - we feel we're not allowed to get irritated because they are there for us.

I do feel childish complaining about it. Unfortunately what she thinks does matter to me which is why I feel hurt when she trotts this kind of thing out. Ah well, fresh new day tomorrow.

of course it matters to you. she's your mum and for many years she was the centre of your world.

i still strive to please my mother (and step-dad) even tho a great deal of what they stand for, what they believe in is so very much at odds with my own beliefs.

when you become a mother you really re-define your relationship with your own mum. you think heaps about your own childhood and disect it and promise yourself you won't make the same mistakes.

i do anyway.

but their ability to put you right back into that childhood craving their approval makes you vulnerable.

and our mums think their position in your life and the closeness you have thru sharing your child with them gives them some sort of carte blanche.

and you and i both know, we share our kids with our mums more than most.

i'd guess she'd probably be really mortified if she knew just how upset her passing on this comment made you.

for the greater good, sometimes you just have to rise above it. much as you want to have a raging paddy. see, they think we're too old for paddies but not so old they can't give us their thoughts un-edited!

yup, tomorrow's another day.

stay sane mate

What does your mum say when you (or any one else) comments on her appearance?

I think you are right that she is trying to control you through your appearance. You could say "Mum I can't wait for you to be so old and blind you can't see whether I'm wearing mascara or not"