to feel offended by this comment from my lovely mum...

[Kewcumber]

...neices 18th brithday party last Saturday, drove my mum down with DS for the evening. Lot of friedns and family and a nice time was had by all.

This morning my mum says to me happily "your sister told me she thought you looked stunning on Saturday but that you have looked abysmal every other time she's seen you for the past 6 months".

She was thought that was a lovely compliment.

So I am being unreasonable to think

a) to describe me as "stunning" was patronising when actually I looked "nice"
b) the "compliment" would have sounded so much nicer if she hadn't added the qualifier.

I feel quite unreasonably upset about it.

Kewcumber - don't put yourself down you are very pretty - wish my hair was that glossy!

All of my mum's compliments are like this - I have to say I now find it quite amusing that someone can get to such a ripe age and still be so clueless.

It also sounds like the sort of thing I would say to my sister as a joke

You look really pretty in those photos, Kew! Has your hair gone darker since I met you at a city meetup, or is it just the light? I remember you as being blonder, but the long darker hair is nice.

And yes, they all seem to do it (mothers, that is). My mother's speciality is the backhanded compliment: "Oh, you look so much nicer with your hair like that."; "Oh, you look so much better now you've lost weight."; "Oh, you're not pregnant again are you? Just as you were looking so lovely and slim." And so on. Ad nauseam.

Even my kids notice, and I have instructed them to administer a swift kick up the bum to me if I ever start that routine on them.

I think you're a stunning friend.

I was at a funeral recently and saw someone I've not seen since last summer. He said "My God, you've lost absolutely tonnes of weight!!"

To which I responded "are you saying I was a bit of a chubber?" and he quite simply said "yeah I suppose I am".

I thought it quite funny but then he's just the husband of a friends' sister therefore his opinion didn't matter to me.

regardless of our age, we want our Mums (and Dads and siblings etc) to approve/be proud of us so when they give with one hand and take away with the other it hurts.

btw, sorry you're a bit low at the mo. Anything I can do?

btw, off topic but hasn't ds changed since those early pictures?

he looks so serious! i can't remember the last time i saw him without a cheeky smile!

Kew if it helps you know where I am, I can always get freshly baked good for weekend breakfasts

Thanks paddle. No nothing you can do, mostly because I don't really know why I'm down - suspect enforced lack of exercise due to current dodgy ankles may be to blame.

Frogs - same colour hair however my grey never seems to pick up on camera whereas it makes my hair seem lighter in daylight. Funnily enough first time I've been my natural colour for years...

Don;t get me wrong - I'm not trying (this time!) to put myself down, I did look OK, and even at my worst, small children don't run screaming from me and dogs don't cower when I walk in! I just hate the emphasis on how I look and that feeling that I always fall short.

My mums repsonse when I said her comment just made me feel depressed and upset was "well everything makes you feel depressed at the moment"! Umm no, only tactless comments from ones nearest and dearest.

Hasn't he changed Paddle - its hard to imagine now but it took him weeks to smile for the first time. I remember saying to the doctor at the orphanage what a serious little chao he was. Good lord - got that one wrong!!!

I am somewhat comforted by the mothers who also specialise in back-handed compliments. Do they only do it to daughters?

Yes, I think they only do it to daughters. Ishoos, I reckon. Mothers who only have sons seem to suddenly develop the same ability once they have daughters-in-law, if my MIL is anything to go by.

Mine is the same, always backhanded compliments.

ie didnt the hairdresser do well to get rid of all your grey, but you love pale nad need to use a fake tan now. Whereas I love the new hair cut and colour would have done .

I am not going to turn into my mum [ grin]

kew, good old mums, eh?
YANBU
i love my mum to bits and (mostly) get on really well with her. but i think they reckon they've got carte blanche to comment on us because they're our mums.
my ma says this sort of thing all the time (You've got very few wrinkles for your age...that's a good thing about being bigger.")

that sort of thing doesn't bother me, tbh, it's more when she makes comments on work/home decisions.
but you were right to say it upset you.
i used to always keep my mouth shut, too, but now i say if she's upset me (despite her excuse 'oh you know i don't mean it,'...er, then don't bloody say it then.

thye other week, she rang me up to apologise for something. she NEVER does that, so my argument to my sister 'you can teach an old dog new tricks' is paying off..

not that i'm calling my ma an old dog...now that would be unreasonable..

..also sorry you're feeling down and am around (in between shirking from home)

oh no, my mother is quite adept at handing them out to all and sundry! maybe it's just daughters who feel it more? maybe sons feel it from dads?

discuss!

i'm sure your dodgy ankles aren't helping your frame of mind. especially if it's painful as well as restricting. would swimming be an alternative?

sometimes it's good to wallow in a bit of miserable-ness. just not for too long eh.

kew christmas actvitities will hopefully jazz you up a bit. i'd love to join you 7th but that's my moving in day.

maybe we could take the kids to see FC together?

btw, was at Tesco Mecca yesterday adn dd was asking where you and ds were!

I have never quite got over the hurt when I was about 13 and my mum said "Maybe you'll be a late bloomer"!

Also the only compliment she can ever seem to give is "Have you lost weight?"which I find odd and a little offensive (I used to have eating/food ishoos but quite happy with myself now thanks v much!)

She is lovely so I just ignore (and swear not to do the same if I ever have a DD).

Also having met the lovely EffiePerine I can confirm she is gorgeous!

I bet in her head she thought she was saying "Oh Kew, you looked absolutely lovely last week, it was especially nice to see because you've had such a tiring time since ds came along". I know that doesn't make it better, and I would be annoyed too, but I bet she had no idea how it sounded.

I'm not convinced wrt my own mum, Tamum.

I think there's a difference between someone who says something tactless as a one-off, and a pattern of never giving a compliment that isn't simultaneously a criticism.

God, I hope Gransnet is around in 20 years' time to prevent me from doing this to my own dds.

frogs I too am not convinced - I do think she means well but I think she uses compliments as a mechanism to improve you. Sort of carrot and stick approach, she beast you with a stick and then beats you with a carrot...

now I come to think of it she said (repeating my sister again) almost exactly the same thing in Feb when I'd just got back with DS. "Sister thinks you look so wonderful now you have DS and you looked so terrible for months before having him". Think my reaction then was "oh piss off" but only in my head...

No, sorry, I wasn't suggesting it would apply to mothers who do it all the time. I thought Kew's mum was usually lovely, that's why I thought there might be another explanation in this case.

Hang in there, kew -- there is some cheer in finding that you don't have to repeat the pattern. I bit my tongue for a whole three years while my beautiful dd1 perfected the art of dressing as if she'd just been pulled out of a skip. I wanted to say something, I nearly did on many occasions, but just remembered my mum and kept schtum.

At 12, and thankfully out of this phase (though into a far more expensive one that involves purchasing new! clothes! from Topshop!) dd1 looks at old photos of herself and has the grace to recognise my silence for the achievement that it was.

That's like saying "see, you can look nice when you make an effort".

Backhanded compliments are usually made without people thinking exactly what it is they're saying or how the other person will take it. Just let it ride over you.

You are a far better woman than me, frogs. I do try to bite my tongue most of the time but put my foot down when she put on a pair of tracksuit bottoms covered in paint and full of holes for school - and I have removed tops that were far too small for her (guess where they came from ). Current battle is having baths and washing hair - it is difficult to be insistent without being rude I find

Lost in translation somewhere along the line I suspect. I would just hold onto the stunning part and forget the qualifier. I had a cousin who was stunning in every way and an aunt of mine could not help mentioning her "thick ankles" every time she saw her. I think my aunt was trying to keep my beautiful, much admired, cousin grounded in her own sweet way .

Tamum - my mum is unusually lovely but she has real self esteem issues which generally find an exit in my direction. When I have calmed down (as I have now) I do try to think that its more to do with her own self esteem and how she thinks you have to be perfect for people to like you.

When I was a teenager and applying to do medicine she said to me "are you sure you're good enough to do medicine?". Makes me laugh now but I was devastated then. Despite reading all my school reports, she wasn't at all convinced that I really was good enough. To her credit she did say to me in a slightly small voice a few years ago - "I really should have encouraged you to apply to Oxford because you probably would have got in wouldn't you". Of course the only answer now is "who knows, and who cares, I'm happy now"