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AIBU?

to feel offended by this comment from my lovely mum...

58 replies

Kewcumber · 26/11/2007 13:31

...neices 18th brithday party last Saturday, drove my mum down with DS for the evening. Lot of friedns and family and a nice time was had by all.

This morning my mum says to me happily "your sister told me she thought you looked stunning on Saturday but that you have looked abysmal every other time she's seen you for the past 6 months".

She was thought that was a lovely compliment.

So I am being unreasonable to think

a) to describe me as "stunning" was patronising when actually I looked "nice"
b) the "compliment" would have sounded so much nicer if she hadn't added the qualifier.

I feel quite unreasonably upset about it.

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Elasticwoman · 26/11/2007 22:26

What does your mum say when you (or any one else) comments on her appearance?

I think you are right that she is trying to control you through your appearance. You could say "Mum I can't wait for you to be so old and blind you can't see whether I'm wearing mascara or not"

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Paddlechick666 · 26/11/2007 22:25

of course it matters to you. she's your mum and for many years she was the centre of your world.

i still strive to please my mother (and step-dad) even tho a great deal of what they stand for, what they believe in is so very much at odds with my own beliefs.

when you become a mother you really re-define your relationship with your own mum. you think heaps about your own childhood and disect it and promise yourself you won't make the same mistakes.

i do anyway.

but their ability to put you right back into that childhood craving their approval makes you vulnerable.

and our mums think their position in your life and the closeness you have thru sharing your child with them gives them some sort of carte blanche.

and you and i both know, we share our kids with our mums more than most.

i'd guess she'd probably be really mortified if she knew just how upset her passing on this comment made you.

for the greater good, sometimes you just have to rise above it. much as you want to have a raging paddy. see, they think we're too old for paddies but not so old they can't give us their thoughts un-edited!

yup, tomorrow's another day.

stay sane mate

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Kewcumber · 26/11/2007 22:05

isn't that just the problem Paddle - we feel we're not allowed to get irritated because they are there for us.

I do feel childish complaining about it. Unfortunately what she thinks does matter to me which is why I feel hurt when she trotts this kind of thing out. Ah well, fresh new day tomorrow.

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Paddlechick666 · 26/11/2007 20:33

lol @ last year. you make it sounds so passe

y'know, my mum drives me nuts but she pulls thru for me every time when the going gets really tough.

much as it pains me to say it, i have to be enormously grateful.

doesn't stop her day to day, seriously annoying, huffing/puffing, negative, critical posturing driving me nuts

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WinkyWinkola · 26/11/2007 20:31

YANBU. It's a bit of a thoughtless thing to say, isn't it?

Maybe you did look stunning? I think we're always really hard on ourselves esp. the way we look.

I get this kind of comment quite a lot. FIL thought he'd make me feel really good by saying, "You're certainly nowhere near as slim as you were on your wedding day," I felt like saying, "At least I still have all my hair and all my teeth," Instead, as usual, my jaw went all slack with surprise at such a personal comment. Why I don't know. They're always pointing out that I've got a spot or some such thing. Nice.

I think you're very pretty, Kew. You've got a lovely smile.

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bran · 26/11/2007 20:31

Not even slightly teenager-ish there Kew.

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Kewcumber · 26/11/2007 20:29

you are of course right but Kazakhstan was last year. [stampys foot pouty face emoticon]

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bran · 26/11/2007 20:25

I think some mums get a part of themselves stuck in the baby and toddler stage where they are used to teaching social skills and passing on their values. There is a small bit of them that hasn't noticed that their toddlers are now responsible adults who can make value judgements for themselves.

Mind you, there's a bit of me that is forever a difficult 15 year old when my mum is nearby. She will say something fairly innocuous and my stroppy teenage ears will hear something irritating or critical.

At least your mum's good in action, she was great to endure a wintery Kasakhstan (sp?) with you. That has to be much better than a mum who talks a good talk but fades away when action is called for.

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Kewcumber · 26/11/2007 19:59

Tamum - my mum is unusually lovely but she has real self esteem issues which generally find an exit in my direction. When I have calmed down (as I have now) I do try to think that its more to do with her own self esteem and how she thinks you have to be perfect for people to like you.

When I was a teenager and applying to do medicine she said to me "are you sure you're good enough to do medicine?". Makes me laugh now but I was devastated then. Despite reading all my school reports, she wasn't at all convinced that I really was good enough. To her credit she did say to me in a slightly small voice a few years ago - "I really should have encouraged you to apply to Oxford because you probably would have got in wouldn't you". Of course the only answer now is "who knows, and who cares, I'm happy now"

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Swedes2Turnips1 · 26/11/2007 15:36

Lost in translation somewhere along the line I suspect. I would just hold onto the stunning part and forget the qualifier. I had a cousin who was stunning in every way and an aunt of mine could not help mentioning her "thick ankles" every time she saw her. I think my aunt was trying to keep my beautiful, much admired, cousin grounded in her own sweet way .

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Miaou · 26/11/2007 15:16

You are a far better woman than me, frogs. I do try to bite my tongue most of the time but put my foot down when she put on a pair of tracksuit bottoms covered in paint and full of holes for school - and I have removed tops that were far too small for her (guess where they came from ). Current battle is having baths and washing hair - it is difficult to be insistent without being rude I find

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MrsArchieTheInventor · 26/11/2007 15:12

That's like saying "see, you can look nice when you make an effort".

Backhanded compliments are usually made without people thinking exactly what it is they're saying or how the other person will take it. Just let it ride over you.

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frogs · 26/11/2007 15:10

Hang in there, kew -- there is some cheer in finding that you don't have to repeat the pattern. I bit my tongue for a whole three years while my beautiful dd1 perfected the art of dressing as if she'd just been pulled out of a skip. I wanted to say something, I nearly did on many occasions, but just remembered my mum and kept schtum.

At 12, and thankfully out of this phase (though into a far more expensive one that involves purchasing new! clothes! from Topshop!) dd1 looks at old photos of herself and has the grace to recognise my silence for the achievement that it was.

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Tamum · 26/11/2007 15:09

No, sorry, I wasn't suggesting it would apply to mothers who do it all the time. I thought Kew's mum was usually lovely, that's why I thought there might be another explanation in this case.

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Kewcumber · 26/11/2007 15:08

now I come to think of it she said (repeating my sister again) almost exactly the same thing in Feb when I'd just got back with DS. "Sister thinks you look so wonderful now you have DS and you looked so terrible for months before having him". Think my reaction then was "oh piss off" but only in my head...

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Kewcumber · 26/11/2007 15:05

frogs I too am not convinced - I do think she means well but I think she uses compliments as a mechanism to improve you. Sort of carrot and stick approach, she beast you with a stick and then beats you with a carrot...

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frogs · 26/11/2007 15:03

I'm not convinced wrt my own mum, Tamum.

I think there's a difference between someone who says something tactless as a one-off, and a pattern of never giving a compliment that isn't simultaneously a criticism.

God, I hope Gransnet is around in 20 years' time to prevent me from doing this to my own dds.

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Tamum · 26/11/2007 14:59

I bet in her head she thought she was saying "Oh Kew, you looked absolutely lovely last week, it was especially nice to see because you've had such a tiring time since ds came along". I know that doesn't make it better, and I would be annoyed too, but I bet she had no idea how it sounded.

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MegBusset · 26/11/2007 14:55

I have never quite got over the hurt when I was about 13 and my mum said "Maybe you'll be a late bloomer"!

Also the only compliment she can ever seem to give is "Have you lost weight?"which I find odd and a little offensive (I used to have eating/food ishoos but quite happy with myself now thanks v much!)

She is lovely so I just ignore (and swear not to do the same if I ever have a DD).

Also having met the lovely EffiePerine I can confirm she is gorgeous!

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Paddlechick666 · 26/11/2007 14:53

oh no, my mother is quite adept at handing them out to all and sundry! maybe it's just daughters who feel it more? maybe sons feel it from dads?

discuss!

i'm sure your dodgy ankles aren't helping your frame of mind. especially if it's painful as well as restricting. would swimming be an alternative?

sometimes it's good to wallow in a bit of miserable-ness. just not for too long eh.

kew christmas actvitities will hopefully jazz you up a bit. i'd love to join you 7th but that's my moving in day.

maybe we could take the kids to see FC together?

btw, was at Tesco Mecca yesterday adn dd was asking where you and ds were!

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stepfordwife · 26/11/2007 14:52

..also sorry you're feeling down and am around (in between shirking from home)

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stepfordwife · 26/11/2007 14:51

kew, good old mums, eh?
YANBU
i love my mum to bits and (mostly) get on really well with her. but i think they reckon they've got carte blanche to comment on us because they're our mums.
my ma says this sort of thing all the time (You've got very few wrinkles for your age...that's a good thing about being bigger.")

that sort of thing doesn't bother me, tbh, it's more when she makes comments on work/home decisions.
but you were right to say it upset you.
i used to always keep my mouth shut, too, but now i say if she's upset me (despite her excuse 'oh you know i don't mean it,'...er, then don't bloody say it then.

thye other week, she rang me up to apologise for something. she NEVER does that, so my argument to my sister 'you can teach an old dog new tricks' is paying off..

not that i'm calling my ma an old dog...now that would be unreasonable..

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TheMadHouse · 26/11/2007 14:50

Mine is the same, always backhanded compliments.

ie didnt the hairdresser do well to get rid of all your grey, but you love pale nad need to use a fake tan now. Whereas I love the new hair cut and colour would have done .

I am not going to turn into my mum [ grin]

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frogs · 26/11/2007 14:48

Yes, I think they only do it to daughters. Ishoos, I reckon. Mothers who only have sons seem to suddenly develop the same ability once they have daughters-in-law, if my MIL is anything to go by.

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Kewcumber · 26/11/2007 14:45

I am somewhat comforted by the mothers who also specialise in back-handed compliments. Do they only do it to daughters?

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