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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For keeping nightlight if it keeps DH awake?

76 replies

Allinadayswork80 · 20/07/2021 09:11

So my OH drops off to sleep at the drop off a hat. Often on the sofa with lights on, tv blaring etc. Same in bed, I’m often lying awake for ages and sleeping light cos of the baby (5mths) and within minutes he’s zzz!
Now I have a plug in nightlight in the upstairs hallway between our bedroom and the nursery, baby is now in her cot in her room at nights. However she wakes at least once in the night so I have to go into her as DH is working the next day (and even when he’s not it mostly falls to me as he doesn’t wake up!). The light is not a bright floodlight by any means but it’s enough for me to see where I’m going and see what the baby is doing without turning on any lights and waking her fully.
Now, my DH insists that it keeps him awake and he can’t possibly sleep with it on and wants to keep turning it off. This really pisses me off as I’m the one bloody getting up and dealing with her and will be stumbling around. He took himself off in a huff last night downstairs and slept on the sofa as I refused to turn it off. He didn’t even TRY going to sleep, just lay there moaning and then huffed off with his pillow 🤣 He’s asked this morning to find an alternative to it as he “can’t help it, it just stops me sleeping” which is absolute bollocks. I said if he wants an alternative then he can bloody find one but until then it stays on.
AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Allinadayswork80 · 20/07/2021 17:46

@Cloudfrost

Surely the easiest thing is::

Turnon flashlight mode on your mobile when u need to get up?? Then u can light ur way and angle the light on a way that doesn't disturb him or baby Hmm

I can't sleep with lights on and even a trip to the toilet in the night would unsettle me for the rest of the night if I turned the light on.. So I just use my flashlight.

So I think YABU to have permanent light on AND refuse to close the door.
I would have really shitty sleep like that

Because it’s way too bright and rouses the baby more. So you think it’s reasonable to have a young baby in a cot in another room (who has just started rolling on her tummy but then gets stuck) with the door closed so I can’t hear her? I’m uncomfortable being in able to hear my little baby when she fusses/cries or potentially chokes in the night as he refuses to have the monitor in our room.
OP posts:
pleasedonttextmyman · 20/07/2021 17:46

@Classica

Love all the people coming up with solutions to let the poor love sleep on undisturbed by parental duties.
having 2 exhausted and sleep deprived parents is the opposite of a solution and helps no one at all.

My DH would have been of no used to me if he had been working all day, up all night and a zombie when at home

NeverDropYourMooncup · 20/07/2021 17:47

@Shodan

OP can you learn to echolocate, like some blind people do?

Surely that's easier than your DH having to wear an eye mask?

It's pretty much I get around at night - I don't even need my glasses with the lights off even though I need them all the time during the day.

After all, I've lived here for ten years, I know where the floor is, everything sounds and feels different when I'm in the landing or second bedroom/bathroom, I know where the bed is. True, this benefits me because I can't turn a light on if I want to be able to sleep at all, but it's not difficult.

(Originally learned it due to a baby and then child who would wake up at the thought of a sparrow fart three miles away under a mountain of pillows and then stay awake from 3am until about 1.20am the following day, whereas I have to get 3 hours in over the course of a night to avoid dying of dizziness and nausea).

Classica · 20/07/2021 17:47

He's not exhausted. He doesn't get up in the night. Even at weekends.

Neondisco · 20/07/2021 17:54

@Kanaloa

Funny that he sleeps through his baby waking up but a plug-in nightlight keeps him up.
Exactly. My sister's husband is a bit like this. He insists he's had an awful night's sleep when she's been up with the baby and witnessed home snoring away.

This would annoy me so much.

Merryoldgoat · 20/07/2021 18:08

I think your husband sounds like a dick.

That’s what I think.

StationView · 20/07/2021 18:26

God, I thought my XH was the only arse who'd tried this one. I told him that if I couldn't have the nightlight on, I'd be turning the main light on every time I got up in the night.

He also once claimed that he had to lie still for ten minutes after waking up otherwise he would get (and I quote), "a rotten headache that lasts all day." I told him he should go to the GP about that, because lying still for ten minutes after being woken up by a small child isn't an option Angry. No wonder he's an XH.

EllaBlaire · 20/07/2021 18:31

You don’t have a nightlight problem, you have a DH problem.

He might be at work in the day… but so are you, looking after the baby.

Original poster
Allinadayswork80 · 20/07/2021 18:33

Update:
Ok so he’s now agreed to have the baby monitor in our room if we close the door as it probably won’t wake him anyway...!

OP posts:
TwilightSkies · 20/07/2021 18:37

having 2 exhausted and sleep deprived parents is the opposite of a solution and helps no one at all.

Bullshit. Why should one parent do it all!? Why should the mother (and it’s always the mother) suffer from broken sleep EVERY SINGLE NIGHT? While the Lord of the Manor snoozes all night, yet still has the audacity to bitch about a light disturbing him? Hmm
Imagine if he had to do a bit of parenting, how would he possibly cope?

movpov · 20/07/2021 18:37

Think you have 2 babies on your hands

ArthurApples · 20/07/2021 18:43

Gro Lights are good, ceiling LED light fittings, that your normal lightbulb also goes in. Switch the main switch on your wall on once and its a night light, flick the switch again and the big light comes on. Useful if you haven't got plug sockets for other kinds of lights. Depends where your switches and bulbs are as to how useful this is, Ive got one in the toilet and one on the upstairs landing, Moved my bed so I sleep in the dark part of the room, with the door open to hear. That doest help you with your DH problem, but they're good nightlights.

pleasedonttextmyman · 20/07/2021 18:52

@TwilightSkies

having 2 exhausted and sleep deprived parents is the opposite of a solution and helps no one at all.

Bullshit. Why should one parent do it all!? Why should the mother (and it’s always the mother) suffer from broken sleep EVERY SINGLE NIGHT? While the Lord of the Manor snoozes all night, yet still has the audacity to bitch about a light disturbing him? Hmm
Imagine if he had to do a bit of parenting, how would he possibly cope?

because thats' what MATERNITY LEAVE is for.

When it's PATERNITY Leave and mum is back at work, it's dad who does the night ... but it's harder when you BF funnily enough.

Unless the partner has a job where they can chill and rest during the day, nap even, you cannot compare holding a job and being at home.

You can't have it both ways, if a woman was holding a full time job AND had to do the chores and childcare when coming home, you would be outraged at the lazy husband doing nothing.. Be honest, you would.

Classica · 20/07/2021 18:54

and that means he can't help out at the weekends either?

Give me a break.

Classica · 20/07/2021 18:54

Becoming a parent means doing some parenting. Shocking I know.

Stath · 20/07/2021 19:14

How about the useless arsehole sleeps permanently on the sofa and then you and baby can spread out as much as you like without him moaning?

fuzzycloud · 20/07/2021 19:24

He sounds useless. When our baby was 5 months I was working ooh ft and still bf. And by working I mean I left at 7:30am having bf baby and got home at 7pm to bf the evening feed in a career job. Lunchtimes were mainly spent pumping milk!

I did any night feeds because was still bf and dh who was also ft did any nappy changes.
He can definitely contribute more than just allowing you to have the monitor in your room. Sounds like he may have felt threatened with more potential disruption to his precious cave man sleep if he pushed the nightlight thing anymore so felt the monitor was necessary to hush you up for now. Aim higher OP!

Dobbyisahouseelf · 20/07/2021 19:30

Sounds like your DH needs to start pulling his weight when your child wakes in the night. Perhaps he needs to take a turn in the week and at the weekend whilst you are on maternity leave. It as it shouldn't all be left to you.

Why can't he wear an eye mask so you can have the night light on?

WhereYouLeftIt · 20/07/2021 19:34

"He rarely does his fare share of night duties as I’m on maternity leave and he’s working which is generally fair enough, but it does piss me off that I still end up doing them at the weekends too as he conveniently doesn’t wake up 🤔 I haven’t had a full night’s sleep where he’s seen to her in the night in her whole 5 months."

This needs to change. Weekends, he needs to deal with his child and let his wife get some sleep. Sleep deprivation is recognised as a form of torture - he needs to stop torturing you and step up to being an actual father and not just an impregnator.

Nohomemadecandles · 20/07/2021 19:38

Tell him he will be able to sleep really, really well at his mother's.

Permanently.

Cloudfrost · 20/07/2021 23:06

I find unreasonable and frankly insane that anyone sleeps with the door open lol I can't fall asleep if my door is open.

However, it's safer to sleep with door closer due to fire hazard. If door is closed u will have more time before getting room full of smoke and more time for firefighters to come.

Also if baby is under 6 months the recommended is to sleep in your room
The monitor should be non negotiable actually, motion camera one preferably then u can check on baby through the night without having to get up every time baby makes the slightest move.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 20/07/2021 23:16

Turn the light off but just wake him up and get him to figure out how to see so he can go and see to his baby. Here's a shocking fact for him- parents can get up in the night and go to work the next day. Who knew!? Seriously you need to nip this in the bud now. Force him to do his share at the weekends and do some more in the week. Otherwise when you go back to work, you're getting used to work again, the baby is up all night because they've picked up bugs from childcare, you will be on your knees with exhaustion as you will be the default night time parent and the baby will 'only settle for you're as it's all they've ever known, and the older they get the harder habits are to break

BunnyRuddington · 21/07/2021 08:19

How did you get on last night?

Kinsters · 21/07/2021 08:56

@Allinadayswork80

Update: Ok so he’s now agreed to have the baby monitor in our room if we close the door as it probably won’t wake him anyway...!
I think this is the most sensible idea. He will almost certainly sleep through it, especially as night wakings are not his responsibility. My DH doesn't do night wakings unless there's a specific reason for him to do it (thats just what works best for us) and even if the monitor wakes him up he'll go straight back to sleep.
UnlimitedChipsAndSalsa · 21/07/2021 10:50

@Shodan

OP can you learn to echolocate, like some blind people do?

Surely that's easier than your DH having to wear an eye mask?

Brilliant! Grin I was going to suggest an eye mask but had completely overlooked this very obvious solution!