Should I warn cousin about potential abuse?

[Shesellsseashellsontheseafloor]

When I was 6 years old and staying with my cousins one time, my uncle came into the room where I was staying, drew back the covers and stroked my privates for a few moments before replacing the covers and creeping out. My cousins and I were all pretending to be asleep as we had stayed up past bedtime and then clambered into bed when we heard the grownups making moves to come up for the night. At the time I just froze, and didn’t say anything to anyone, not even my mum. It never happened again. Thirty years have now passed, and my cousin has had a baby girl. I have no idea whether my uncle ever did anything similar to my cousin when she was younger, or to anyone else for that matter, and to what extent. DH thinks I should warn my cousin that her daughter may be at risk one day in case she isn’t already aware. I’m not so sure. It could cause a lot of heartache for nothing. But then again it might save a little girl’s life from being ruined. What would you do?

Yes, I believe that you should. I am outraged on your behalf, how fucking DARE he do that to you. It was horrific. I really do think that you need to say something, maybe get some advice on how to go about it but you absolutely must do something. I am so sorry for what you went through and for what you need to do, but you know how it made you feel and the impact on you. Keep posting OP and we'll done for doing so.

Would you be prepared to tell your family, possible the police and possibly a courtroom, what he did? Because that’s what this could lead to. I’m not saying don’t do it, or that you shouldn’t do it, but I’m asking if you would be mentally prepared to say it and speak about it if faced with that situation?

I would tell her, absolutely. The safety and well-being of a child may be at stake. Fuck your uncle. He should be in prison.

That’s very very difficult - I would speak to my own mum and dad first

Phone the NSPCC as they will advise you on how to handle this situation - you do have to tell your cousin.

Incidentally, I have been in the same position and I warn you that people won't thank you for it and will be desparate to disbelieve you. I did it and had to go to court and have my abuser and his wife sat next to me. However, I did all I could do to protect the children involved and I would do it again.

I’m so sorry you went through this as well @Phoenixrising2020. Well done for having the strength to speak up and endure such an horrific process

@plodalong12

Would you be prepared to tell your family, possible the police and possibly a courtroom, what he did? Because that’s what this could lead to. I’m not saying don’t do it, or that you shouldn’t do it, but I’m asking if you would be mentally prepared to say it and speak about it if faced with that situation?

This is what I’m afraid of. I don’t know how I’d cope with all of that if it got that far. I know I shouldn’t let that get in the way of what needs to be done though.

I know it's going to be really hard for you and I'm so sorry that happened, he's disgusting and it's terrible you've had to live with this - it is a worry that he may hurt this young child as well so what I would do is speak to my own mum and dad first and approach your cousin together, it might be hard to hear if it's her dad but all you can do is warn her and then it's her responsibility to protect her daughter. ( You can also seek legal advice if you feel able to)

So sorry to hear that happened to you. definitely find a way to speak out if you can.

@Shesellsseashellsontheseafloor please tell your cousin. It's your choice whether or not to report it to the police. But you must tell your cousin what happened. Please protect her child.

Thanks Shesells, it was a horrible experience, when it actually occurred, the impact on me and having to speak out. I did it for the right reasons though and at least I know that I have done all that I can do.

My DSis spoke about her abuse to protect our niece. I am so proud of her for having the courage to do so. It also came to light my DSis was not the only one he had abused.

Yes. Please find the strength to speak to your cousin. Or he might to that to her baby girl too.

So sorry he did that to you. x

Absolutely you should tell them. If the cousin is his own daughter then sadly there’s a chance she already knows.

If not, unfortunately she might not believe you, but at least she will have it in her mind and may be more cautious than she would have been otherwise.

@ILoveMyCaravan Oh of course. I forgot for a moment that it’s up to me whether to go to the police or not. In my head I equated telling my cousin with having to go through the whole police/legal stuff as well. That doesn’t feel quite as awful although am still dreading it.

@WeepingKitten Well done your sister. So courageous.

@Shesellsseashellsontheseafloor gosh no, that's entirely your decision to go to the police. But I'd also add that going to the police doesn't mean that you'll end up in court giving evidence. Unfortunately very few historic sexual
Abuse cases end up in court. It's your word against his unless there's additional evidence from others.

You are in control of this. Whatever reaction you get from your cousin it will make her more cautious around him and that could just stop anything happening to her.

I'm sorry this happened to you. I totally understand how you feel x

I know what I have to do. I think posting on here was my way of procrastinating, plus I couldn’t sleep last night thinking about it. It’s a no brainier really. Fuck. Ugh.

@ILoveMyCaravan Ah right yes that’s good to know. Don’t think I could cope with having to go to court. Yes if nothing else it will make her more careful hopefully. Even if it might damage our relationship

Good luck. I know it won't be easy. Let us know how it goes and if you need any support.

Its your decision entirely.

I think unless you are prepared to go to the police then some people will be desperate to disbelieve you and may make life hard. The police should also offer support.

Im so sorry this happened to you and that you are in this position. fwiw i think you are so brave to step forward and its unlikely he has only done that once and is no longer a risk. X

its unlikely he has only done that once and is no longer a risk.

DH thinks this too, I’ve no doubt you’re right.

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

Thank you, and yes, I will do.

It is very likely he will have done this to others. It takes a lot to raise something like this, all the strength OP