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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if the problem is me?

26 replies

iluvalfredo · 19/07/2021 22:41

Every job I have been in it always starts out and ends up the same...it's very predictable and I'm at the stage where I am wondering if I am the problem.

Every job I've had since leaving school goes like this...the first few months I get along great with my manager/supervisor..I think wow they're really nice. A few months pass and then the manager/supervisor starts to become short with me for no apparent reason, less friendly and more cold and snappy. Some days they will be fine with me but nothing like at the start of the job, it's always up and down and makes me anxious.

This happens in EVERY job I have without fail. I'm actually volunteering at the moment whilst in uni and it's now happening in my volunteering role.

I'm beginning to wonder if I'm genuinely an unlikable person? I think I'm friendly, polite, hard working, I ask people questions about themselves and listen to them and remember what they tell me, I am always on time, always smiling. But maybe I am the problem as it keeps happening.

AIBU to think it's me?

OP posts:
Spacehairdresserandthecowboy · 19/07/2021 22:47

When you say short, cold and snappy - what are they saying to you?
Are you possibly a bit of a chatterbox (I am so totally get it) and they need to get on with things?

Original poster
iluvalfredo · 19/07/2021 22:51

Just giving me one word answers or in the first few months I'd walk in and they'd be all 'hey Alfredo, how are you?' To barely get an acknowledgment that I have walked in the door. Ignoring me and talking to others, just a complete 180 from how they are at the start.

I'm really not a chatterbox, I'm quite anxious so I let them lead the conversation but maybe once I'm more comfortable I chat a bit more. But not to the detriment of work, I know when to put my head down and get on with things. I'm also good at reading people socially, so I can tell when it's time to end a conversation or be quiet.

OP posts:
Original poster
iluvalfredo · 19/07/2021 22:52

It's almost as if their mask has slipped, that they can't keep up the act after the first few months. I would put it down to that but surely that can't be the case for all of my jobs.

OP posts:
Original poster
iluvalfredo · 19/07/2021 22:53

And it's always the person in charge of me...never have problems with colleagues equal to me.

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HollowTalk · 19/07/2021 22:53

If I was volunteering and my manager wouldn't acknowledge me then I'd resign and put that reason in my resignation email, copied to her/his boss. It's outrageous that you can be working for no pay and your manager doesn't even say hello.

TimeForTeaAndG · 19/07/2021 22:53

I think it's more to do with you becoming less of a newbie in the team. So they don't have to be making sure everything is ok with you and chatting to you all the time.

Original poster
iluvalfredo · 19/07/2021 22:56

@HollowTalk I really need the volunteer role for my application for my post grad Sad

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actorbynight · 19/07/2021 22:56

Who knows really. What I'd do is try snd get some feedback from your supervisors, whether in an official capacity, or by way of chat. In my workplace we have a thing called 369 feedback where we actually ask other members of the team how we are doing/performing snd fitting in snd what can be improved. Have you anything like that? I'd want to know so I can learn from the next time.

actorbynight · 19/07/2021 22:57

360 feedback sorry

Yellowcar2 · 19/07/2021 22:59

I'm sure you're a lovely person but a saying springs to my mind after reading your op.
If you know an arsehole you know an arsehole. If you know lots of arseholes maybe you're the arsehole.

Mountaingoatling · 19/07/2021 23:00

@iluvalfredo

It's almost as if their mask has slipped, that they can't keep up the act after the first few months. I would put it down to that but surely that can't be the case for all of my jobs.
Yes. This. You're new so they are on best behaviour then they are just relaxing and not trying so hard. They're probably treating you like everyone else.

This type of anxiety is awful. It's not you.

Original poster
iluvalfredo · 19/07/2021 23:02

@Yellowcar2 I mean, I thought that myself to be honest but I have an amazing group of friends and I never struggle with relationships. It's literally just in professional capacities. I really don't know what I'm doing wrong at all, the only thing I can think
Of is that I can be a little bit awkward but only until I'm comfortable.

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KnittingNurse · 19/07/2021 23:03

I sometimes idealise relationships at the start, even working ones and then the reality kicks in after a little while and I’m more in touch with a more realistic view of someone. Wonder if it could be something like this, a repeated pattern for you of some kind. I think relationships with bosses often brings up childhood dynamics. Or could also be as pp suggested, that there is less need to look after you after the first couple of weeks.

Original poster
iluvalfredo · 19/07/2021 23:05

@KnittingNurse wow, that makes a loss of sense actually because when I was growing up I always felt very unliked by my mum and I remember always feeling that teachers didn't like me and any activities I would do I'd think the leaders didn't like me. Wow I never even considered that could be linked, it was always authoritative figures I felt never warmed to me so maybe I am projecting that on to my bosses.

OP posts:
3scape · 19/07/2021 23:08

Are you too or not enough focused on the work?
Too good or too many faults with your work?

Definitely observe behaviour to other colleagues and get some specific examples worked out.

Comeondelicious · 19/07/2021 23:12

@Yellowcar2

I'm sure you're a lovely person but a saying springs to my mind after reading your op. If you know an arsehole you know an arsehole. If you know lots of arseholes maybe you're the arsehole.
@Yellowcar2 no not the case.
Original poster
iluvalfredo · 19/07/2021 23:15

@3scape I'm not sure to be honest. In previous jobs I've definetely made more mistakes because I get more and more anxious about them not liking me so I feel I overthink everything to the point I make stupid, simple mistakes. But today for instance...I'm volunteering at a youth club and the young people had asked to do rounders. They played rounders for about 1.5 hours and then about 5 of them decided they were finished with rounders and started kicking the ball about in the football cage. I was playing with them for a bit and then stood watching/talking to them. My manager was watching the rounders game with another volunteer and another youth worker. Then all of a sudden she came storming up and shouted 'guys you are meant to be playing rounders so either get out of here and sit on the grass or join in with rounders!!' She seemed really annoyed and I just couldn't work out what the problem was...she'd never said we couldn't be in the football pitch and we were having fun but she seemed genuinely annoyed at me for that and was shaking her head and tutting. Things like that...I just don't know what I did wrong in that situation.

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YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer · 19/07/2021 23:31

You say every time its the person in charge of you, not your equals. Could it be you start being "too friendly" with them, and they need to step back because theyt are your boss.

plodalong12 · 20/07/2021 00:17

@TimeForTeaAndG

I think it's more to do with you becoming less of a newbie in the team. So they don't have to be making sure everything is ok with you and chatting to you all the time.
I think this is the most likely answer tbh.
plodalong12 · 20/07/2021 00:25

[quote iluvalfredo]@3scape I'm not sure to be honest. In previous jobs I've definetely made more mistakes because I get more and more anxious about them not liking me so I feel I overthink everything to the point I make stupid, simple mistakes. But today for instance...I'm volunteering at a youth club and the young people had asked to do rounders. They played rounders for about 1.5 hours and then about 5 of them decided they were finished with rounders and started kicking the ball about in the football cage. I was playing with them for a bit and then stood watching/talking to them. My manager was watching the rounders game with another volunteer and another youth worker. Then all of a sudden she came storming up and shouted 'guys you are meant to be playing rounders so either get out of here and sit on the grass or join in with rounders!!' She seemed really annoyed and I just couldn't work out what the problem was...she'd never said we couldn't be in the football pitch and we were having fun but she seemed genuinely annoyed at me for that and was shaking her head and tutting. Things like that...I just don't know what I did wrong in that situation. [/quote]
I just don't know what I did wrong in that situation

They were supposed to be playing rounders, a team game, one which they collectively decided to play. Your manager clocked that five players (and teammates) walked out mid game and decided to kick a ball about and looked over and saw you joining in with them. I wouldn’t be as rigid as your manager personally, providing it didn’t impact the other kids playing (though five is an odd number so one team would definitely have been disadvantaged by at least the loss of one player, if not more) but I can understand why she was tutting and shaking her head (though could that have been at them and not at you?)

Are you quite young OP?

Original poster
iluvalfredo · 20/07/2021 07:39

@plodalong12 possibly, it's just not something I personally could get worked up about. They'd been playing for 1.5 hours, only had 30 minutes left and they just wanted to kick about a ball. It is there youth group, not PE. No I'm not particularly young, late 20s.

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Mummadeze · 20/07/2021 08:02

I actually wouldn’t take this personally. That Manager sounds a bit irritable, impatient and like she doesn’t enjoy her job that much. As people become more relaxed and familiar around you, they will show their true selves. Maybe the jobs you have had so far haven’t been ones in which the Managers have had a huge amount of job satisfaction. Lots and lots of people are unhappy at work. The only thing I can think of that might irritate me however re a younger employee is if they a) weren’t trying hard in their role b) didn’t ever try to be pro-active - ie always depended on me to guide them and didn’t take initiative c) made a lot of silly repeated mistakes after being guided properly.

Spacehairdresserandthecowboy · 20/07/2021 08:21

With your example it’s really hard to say. It could be that she’s being highly strung. Or it could be that having a group randomly off playing football is now t very team spirited or makes others feel left out. Or it could be an issue that she thought “where the hell have they gone”?

Best thing to do is ask nicely what you’d done wrong here. If this is literally the only thing the. I think you’re being overly sensitive

YelloYelloYello · 20/07/2021 08:27

about 5 of them decided they were finished with rounders and started kicking the ball about in the football cage. I was playing with them for a bit and then stood watching/talking to them.

You don’t sound in control of this situation at all. They were bored and wandered off from the group and you didn’t pull them up on it.

If that’s the way the group is run then that’s fine but from your managers response it obviously isn’t. Why don’t you ask her about it? Ask what you should have done in the situation.

Original poster
iluvalfredo · 20/07/2021 08:40

@YelloYelloYello well now I know, I get moved about to whichever area they need me and for all of the groups I've never experienced that being a problem so I was a bit taken aback. It was almost like she was trying to be harsh and make a point, no one cared that the boys weren't playing rounders, they were supervised and we were literally 20 feet away from them so it wasn't a case of her wondering where we were. I was told to try and build relationships with them so thats what i was trying to do as a bit hard to do when they're playing rounders but I got completely shut down.

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