To ask how you cope with this?

[sadanddown]

I didn't know where to put this, I guessed here to get honest answers and not in mental health because not sure that was the kind of answers I wanted.

I am emetophobic. I did cure myself of this, but it has come back and I am literally feeling like I want to jump in the car and drive and drive and not stop.

2 weeks ago my eldest was sick. I was there once and then DH dealt with the other two times through the night.
Thursday night my youngest was sick through the night and DH dealt with it all.
Last night DH was sick, just once but sick all the same.

I am petrified, anxious and feel like I want to die. I know that sounds dramatic and over the top and other people have bigger problems to contend with than me, however ultimately that is how I feel. My mind has put a barrier up and I can't seem to practice the coping mechanism I learnt in therapy.

I don't know how to deal with sickness 'normally' do other mums panic and cry and behave like I do?

What I am after is what's a normal response to dealing with a sickness bug? Mine clearly isn't normal at all.

Any help would be appreciated. I'm sat in bed anxious and feeling like I cannot cope.

@DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou
I have definitely not been practicing the things I should. Work has been stressful and we have some money issues too.

Dd is a fellow sufferer too and your right it is pretty complex. Our GP has prescribed her metoclopramide. She doesn't take it all the time but just at occasions where she needs the reassurance that she's not going to be sick (public speaking, flying, job interview etc). It's helped her to have the reassurance that she won't be sick and it allows her to do things she would have previously avoided.

CBT has helped with my anxiety and depression.
I’m sure DH is capable if you needed some time out. It’s allowed!!
Look at what helps anxiety in general. Get outside. Exercise. Mindfulness etc etc.

@feliciabirthgiver I have two types of anti sickness meds. However I don't trust them.

I don't think it's helpful to tell op that her reaction is "not normal" or imply that she should be thinking of her child first. Do you think she doesn't already know that?

Being anxious about your child, and being anxious that you may not be able to help them to the best of your ability, all feeds in to the existing anxiety about vomit. Even when you do ultimately help them.

It is very hard to constantly battle a very strong flight or fight response and if you don't have a phobia, you cannot possibly appreciate how hard it is.

As parents, we all have strengths and weaknesses. No one has a phobia intentionally. Op has tried, and is trying, to combat it.

I totally understand how you're feeling. I had severe emetaphobia for years. Started when my son had reflux as a baby. I was terrified of catching it and being ill. Got worse when I was pregnant with my second, caught a stomach bug and was so ill. I wouldn't kiss the kids for fear of them giving me something and trips to places like play centres were hell for days after. If they had a bug I would literally lock myself in my bedroom and spend the night rocking and crying. Kept a special cupboard full of old towels etc. At some points it was all I could think about. Over a few years my weight dropped to a stupid amount, my rationale was if I haven't eaten I can't be sick! Things have got better though, I now function day to day without even thinking about it. If the kids are sick I just clean it up and Chuck what I can in the washing machine. I'm no longer scrubbing handrails! I can't identify what triggered the change in me but it was a bit if I have to get on with this, it's ruining my life. If I hear 'I feel sick' or gets a twinge in my tummy that feeling of fear does run through me but I know I can get through it now. So no answers really, just wanted you to know you are not alone. This is real and hard. You can get through it though but definitely seek help. Don't let it affect your life to this degree anymore.

My daughter has emetophobia and at its worst it’s really disabling. She can’t sleep in bunk beds anymore, she can’t sit in the very back of the car and she can’t travel certain routes because of past experiences. We had a whole year when she wouldn’t eat for 4 hours before she had to leave the house.

People saying you should be able to ignore it and care for your kids clearly have no understanding of what it actually is - a paralysing phobia. To be honest, OP, I think you’re doing amazingly well to stay in the house right now so don’t be too hard on yourself. In my experience, emetophobes have an iron will when it comes to not being sick themselves so hopefully you’ll be ok and will be able to get over this blip.

Well done for getting this far

I wondered @sadanddown if it is the being sick itself that is the problem, or the cleaning it up because you find it so disgusting? Or both ...

I don't think I have any feelings at all about the actual being sick - in fact if anything I feel relieved as I know that once you have been sick you usually feel a lot better for a while.

I might have been lucky but in my family we have always made it to loo to be sick or had a bowl, so no horrid clear ups on the floor.

That said I don't mind clearing up after my children - they are my kids, just like I didn't mind changing their nappies. I wouldn't mind with DH either - though probably I would find that a bit more icky.

I would find it much more revolting to have to clear up sick from an adult stranger, but I would be able to do it, in a kind of "I'll just get it over with" kind of thing.

If I am on the street and see vomit that has been left following closing time I do find that pretty disgusting!

My main feelings are disgust about the sick itself, not the process of being sick.

I suffer emetophobia and I sympathise with you. I have had therapy but still feel the same about vomit.
Sorry I have no advice but you certainly aren't alone with this.

You are all so kind and thank you for sharing your experiences. It can feel like a very lonely phobia as I am to embarrassed to tell people.

I also have inflammatory bowel disease, and when I get anxious my stomach bloats out and I feel sick. I also take immunosuppressants.

Life feels hard at the moment.

I would say in the nicest way that you probably know most other mums don’t do this. However, you can’t change it, only manage it as well as you can.

I will say my ds who is 7 suffers badly with fear of being sick. When he has any sickness, the next few days will be plagued with his anxiety, and he will say repeatedly ‘am I going to be sick/what if I am sick/I’m scared to be sick.’ We’ve been advised the best thing is not to tell him he won’t be sick, but to say yes, sometimes we are sick but it’s ok, we’ll clean up/it will be fine. Rather than actually vomiting I think his fear comes from not knowing if/when he will be sick or not being able to stop himself.

Hopefully you can practice your coping mechanisms and manage your phobia. It sounds very stressful.

I’m on immunosuppressants too. With occasional bowel issues.
You have my sympathy and understanding OP (FWIW!!)

It's definitely not about sick.
When I have been sick before it has been fine.

It's the not knowing and feeling out of control because I have no idea if it's going to happen.

Tonight I am anxious because what if eldest dd gets sick, she felt sick earlier and then said she didn't and she was sick two weeks ago, so it could be happening again and I am also thinking I am going to wake up and suddenly need to be sick and it's going to be awful.

Dear OP, look up Rob Kelly’s Thrive Programme. He specialises in emetophobia. 💐

You need to get RL help.
Awful how?
Focus on ways to deal with anxiety and coping strategies.

Yes, you're not alone. It's definitely the fear of being out of control, DD has a bad cold at the moment and I'm not scared of catching that because I can carry on with day to day things with a cold, I can take meds to ease the symptoms etc. But a sick bug terrifies me because there's nothing you can control it with, you can't make the symptoms better. It's like I'm trapped in my body when I have a stomach bug. I can't soldier on like I do with anything else.
With the kids, I have gone to them but I'm like a robot, I say reassuring things but inside I'm shutting down mentally, like a sort of shock. I go through the motions of stroking their back and cleaning up but I'm screaming inside. I remember last time DD was ill I had rivers of sweat dripping down my back and legs from the fear. I think I get through most critical moments in my life by postponing the panic, I tell myself I'll let myself fall apart later. And I do, once they're asleep again. I also talk myself out of panic when I hear about things like the Norovirus levels, I tell myself it will go down over the summer holidays, or it will happen in a different school, not my child's class etc. None of it's true or rational of course, but then neither is the fear so I may as well be irrationally positive!

@sadanddown

Not tried CBT yet.

I would love to just go off somewhere when they are sick, but they would wonder where I was and they are only little and I'm not sure I could. As much as I would want to sadly.

CBT is the best treatment for emetophobia @sadanddown. Certain ways of thinking and behaviours such as avoidance and safety behaviours (the behaviours we think help us) really keep the anxiety going, a good CBT therapist can help you identify the ways you’re contributing to the continuation whilst doing your very best to solve it; some of your strategies may be unhelpful. It sounds like you did very well to manage the problem before so perhaps the relatively brief and structured approach of CBT would be really helpful for you. The thing your GP offered you would have been a referral to IAPT (NHS therapies) for CBT but you can self refer as well. As the waiting lists can be very long if you are able to go private then have a look on www.cbtregisteruk.com/ which has properly BABCP accredited therapists listed. Make sure any CBT therapist is BABCP accredited. It’s worth looking at what Dr Veale has written about your problem. I really hope you can get on top of it, you sound like you’re determined and insightful - a dream client for us CBT therapists!

www.slam.nhs.uk/national-services/our-experts/prof-david-veale/

www.veale.co.uk/emetophobia/

Go to your GP and get a referral for CBT. On the NHS or self refer to your local IAPT service

Op can you try and lower your expectations of yourself and "forgive" yourself a bit?

You are a good mother because you ARE staying around when your DC are ill, despite the fact that you have an overpowering urge to run away.

And try and think about the things you do have control over to lessen the number of times you are potentially ill. Washing your hands, cleaning, keeping fit. Having said all of that, the times when I've been ill have been completely out of the blue and unexpected. (Not sure that helps with your anxiety but that tends to be the reality.)

The biggest thing to focus on though is that ultimately, if you look back, usually what happens in reality is not nearly as bad as your fears.

OP I have no words of advice as I’m the same. It doesn’t consume my life like it used to (I used to say I’d rather shoot myself than throw up and I wholeheartedly meant it) but if anyone is sick or says they feel sick around me I literally run away. I was helping out at an event once where children were involved and one boy took himself outside and threw up - I’m afraid I ran away. A guy I was managing at work said he felt sick and I ordered him to wfh for a week. It’s actually one of the many reasons I don’t want children! I can deal with my dog throwing up, just - but not humans.

The one thing I will say though is the times I have been sick have not been as catastrophic as I’ve built them up to be. They were unpleasant but manageable, and I survived, and it was over quickly, so even if the worst happens and you are ill you will get through it. I’d just ensure surfaces, taps and door handles are wiped with antibacterial wipes frequently and make sure the ill child is washing their hands if they’re moving around and touching things. If it’s any consolation I’ve lived in shared houses before where someone got sick and I didn’t catch it.

I don't have much advice OP but I so feel for you. I had such bad emetophobia as a child/teen that I really believe my body trained itself out of being sick... it just wasn't allowed. I am now only sick about once in every 5 years.
It took a super traumatic event to turn its way with me, one in which I lost total control, and I'm guessing that's why I can borderline cope with it now. My heart goes out to you - CBT sounds sensible

My younger two are early teens now but were rarely sick when they were small children, maybe 2 or 3 times each so it’s not something I dealt with much but it doesn’t bother me at all. My eldest is disabled and often over eats or drinks loads of water and makes himself sick . Again I’m not fussed by it.

You say “you’re dying of fear” what is it you’re so fearful of? I guess to deal with it you’d start there.

So many helpful and kind posts. Thank you so very much. I wasn't expecting this at all.

I am going to contact my GP tomorrow.

I have loads of knowledge about this phobia and why I have it and what I can do to help myself, at the moment I feel like there is no point because I have let myself get beyond getting myself out of this hole.

I intended on staying up all night ready for the sickness. But I am getting tired. I have taken an anti sickness pill, they calm me a little. I have work tomorrow and my children are only 5 and 2, so quite full on sometimes.

I was about to suggest the thrive program but looks like you've done it already! It helps a lot but you do have to constantly put work into it and the phobia starts to creep back whenever you stop.

This might not be related to your situation but I realised recently that I have undiagnosed adult ADHD. It explained a huge number of issues in my life and the obsessive nature of thinking fuels anxiety disorders and phobias. I'm almost certain that if I go on medication for ADHD then my emetophobia will improve hugely, if not disappear entirely.

The thrive program accurately pinpoints the three causes of emetophobia as external locus of control, low self esteem and social anxiety. These may seem easy to cure once you're away of it, but non NT (neurotypical) brains are hardwired to stay that way. Eg I get sensory overload very easily so social anxiety and unpredictable events are always going to be a problem.

There are lots of free resources on YouTube and TikTok which can help if you're not able to access therapy at the moment. I find watching Rob Kelly's emetophobia videos help a lot especially if you're stuck in a bad rut. You might also consider look into adult, particularly female, symptoms of ADHD or ASD. Almost 10% of the population fall on the ADHD spectrum and it's often an undiagnosed (but very treatable) root cause of many anxiety disorders.

@Googleplexian I have done the thrive programme, twice! It is amazing and did make me better, not just with this fear but with life in general. However it's not a magic wand, you have to put real effort in. I probably have not been practicing those things much recently.

Rob Kelly is an absolute legend and talks so much sense.

It is just expensive, I have the book but my life is hectic so I used a consultant to help me through it. Well worth the money, but I can't afford it right now.