AIBU to feel my mother should have more control over her emotions than my preschooler?

[tuesdayschild17]

At the moment I live with DM and my DD in her house. I am incredibly lucky that she has provided me with somewhere to live and I am making arrangements to move out ASAP financially. However, I find it virtually impossible to live with her and her behaviour baffling.

She is incredibly critical and short-tempered yet also hypersensitive herself. She has no partner and treats me as a sounding board to moan at throughout the day. She has never really worked and is also quite snobby. The things she moans about strike me as similar to sort of teenage boarding school girl complaints. Equally the way she speaks to people in hospitality or customer service is appalling and so superior.

I obviously do all of my own washing/cooking/cleaning/shopping for myself and DD and frequently shop and cook for my mother as well. However, she is hyper-critical and speaks to me like a servant. I currently work part-time having just finished my degree and caring for my daughter full-time solo. I start a new remote job full-time which works around childcare in August, so I would say I'm fairly proactive and determined not to be a sponge.

I am trying to do my best to avoid conflict but I also feel exhausted that my DM cries nearly daily now. It doesn't seem to be a depressed sort of crying (I do understand that) but more these alarming kind of tantrums? They are usually out of frustration at how underappreciated she is by the world/friends or how much harder her life is than others? I try and be empathetic and just say that I am sorry she feels that way. However, today I lost it and told her that I can't deal with constant tantrums from both her and my DD.

I want to support my mum and I'm grateful that she is allowing us to live with her. However, I don't expect her to 'look after me' or do my childcare for me so feel that I shouldn't be used as an emotional sick bucket for her! Should have just bitten my tongue or is it reasonable to not expect to parent both my DM and my DD at the same time?

That sounds incredibly hard to live with. Has she always been like that or is it a new thing.

I think you should encourage her to see the GP.

It does sound as if she has some kind of mental health issues going on. Would she see her GP? Does she have a partner?

She sounds exhausting. Obviously you're making efforts to move out ASAP, which is all you can do, I think.

What causes the tantrums, is there a theme? My MIL has a tendency to burst into tears if someone else is getting sympathy. Most notably when SILs ex did a midnight flit. Poor SIL trying to hold it all together in the days afterwards, with her DM wailing and carrying on about how 'its all my fault, because you're from a broken home, etc etc'. It was blatant attention seeking. As soon as I realised what was going on I became a whole lot less tolerant of tears and upset. I made a point of pretending it wasn't happening and keeping focus on the 'right' person. She has drastically reduced trying it on me at least. DP still falls for it though

@Taliskerskye thank you for your sympathy. She's always been quite spoilt. She was the youngest of 4 siblings (who are all very hardworking) but was told by my late grandad that she was better and brighter than all of them.

I have definitely seen a noticeable increase in her anger levels in the last few years though. She's the sort of person who is sickly sweet and overemotional to strangers but then flies into an effing and blinding rage with little provocation at other times! I find it really embarrassing and a bad example for DD

I put youre unreasonable. She’s clearly unwell and unhappy and you’re in her home, she has no one else to sound off on. If you don’t like it then moving out is the answer, not kicking off at her.

How old is your mother?

@Faranth That sounds awful! Your poor SIL. You have my sympathy as it's so draining

She is just over 60. I would agree about her being unwell but she has had a sort of anger at the world and entitled attitude for as long as I can remember.

I also feel grateful to live in her house but it was gifted to her by my grandparents with the intention of being a help to all of the family. Equally, the reason she has gone through life without working is because my grandparents left money intended for my DD and the other great grandchildren's education (they specified this), that she has lived off of.

When you say they specified it - was it written in the will? Or just common knowledge among family?

@Bluntness100

I put youre unreasonable. She’s clearly unwell and unhappy and you’re in her home, she has no one else to sound off on. If you don’t like it then moving out is the answer, not kicking off at her.

She may be unwell as a result of things but it didn’t strike me as that, more the wailings of a woman who’s been told she’s better than others so much that she believed it, and is extremely put out when people don’t give her everything she wants and act like the world revolves around her. Something she clearly believes it does. Not her fault, perhaps, but exhausting to be around, nonetheless.

What do you mean it was specified? Are you saying she’s stolen the money?

Menopause?

@Faranth It was common knowledge amongst the family and also confirmed by my mother herself. The other siblings have kept their shares to use for this purpose but my mother has not worked and lived off of her share instead.

@Bluntness100 She has definitely not stolen the money and I actually feel it is fair for her to choose what she wants to do with her share. However, it's the other behaviour and sense of entitlement that is difficult to deal with.

You mention irritability / rage - could menopause be a factor?

@Drivingmeupthewall You've hit the nail on the head. I think that is exactly where her anger comes from. All of the family have always felt that it is why she is more aggressive than they are and frustrated when things don't go her way.

Well she has appropriated the money which is morally, at the very least, wrong. I'd be put out at her for that.

the "she's always been like this but getting worse" says possibly alzheimers or possible small stroke to me. Both can disinhibit making pre-existing difficult behaviour worse. I am guessing she won't see a doctor?

I have seen loads of thread on here over the years of people unhappy with what the living situation is like in a house that isn’t theirs. The only solution is to not live there.

It’s really annoying you how she behaves so you have to remove yourself from the situation. She can do what she wants in her own house though.

She just doesnt sound very nice-who spends their gc inheritance on themselves even if it wasnt in a will-selfish and spoilt

Sounds like my grandma. Always narcissistic but much worse after several small strokes. She is now in a care home with dementia.

She went through the menopause around 8-10 years ago but I guess it could be a factor!

I do worry about Alzheimer’s as we have a family history of it. She doesn’t currently seem more forgetful than before though, as she’s always been quite scatty.

@Redlocks28 I do understand this. However I don’t currently have a choice over the living situation. I’m doing my absolute best to earn and save so I can move out with DD, hopefully in the next year. I guess I’m just currently looking for any ideas of how to make it a bit easier to live there in the short term.

Is it lpossible that seeing you working full time and managing your dd has brought back past regrets for her? Or do you think she’s depressed? Mum is very similar in terms of being hypercritical and felt like all her parenting choices were judged by me making the choices I felt were right for me and I wasn’t even living with her lol.

I think previous posters are right, definitely move out now if you can afford to. But if you can’t then try and make yourself less available at home - lock your room while you’re working. Try and book mummy baby ‘dates’ with your dd a few times a week where you spend the whole day with just her - my sil does this with her LO when she needs time away from her mil. They do fun stuff and have all their meals outside - baby then returns home for cuddles with granny before bed lol.

Don't waste your energy trying to change her, or trying to make her see she's being unreasonable - it will never happen and will just make you frustrated and angry. Do whatever you possibly can to move out as soon as you are able and then build some healthy boundaries to protect yourself and your daughter.