AIBU to feel my mother should have more control over her emotions than my preschooler?

[tuesdayschild17]

At the moment I live with DM and my DD in her house. I am incredibly lucky that she has provided me with somewhere to live and I am making arrangements to move out ASAP financially. However, I find it virtually impossible to live with her and her behaviour baffling.

She is incredibly critical and short-tempered yet also hypersensitive herself. She has no partner and treats me as a sounding board to moan at throughout the day. She has never really worked and is also quite snobby. The things she moans about strike me as similar to sort of teenage boarding school girl complaints. Equally the way she speaks to people in hospitality or customer service is appalling and so superior.

I obviously do all of my own washing/cooking/cleaning/shopping for myself and DD and frequently shop and cook for my mother as well. However, she is hyper-critical and speaks to me like a servant. I currently work part-time having just finished my degree and caring for my daughter full-time solo. I start a new remote job full-time which works around childcare in August, so I would say I'm fairly proactive and determined not to be a sponge.

I am trying to do my best to avoid conflict but I also feel exhausted that my DM cries nearly daily now. It doesn't seem to be a depressed sort of crying (I do understand that) but more these alarming kind of tantrums? They are usually out of frustration at how underappreciated she is by the world/friends or how much harder her life is than others? I try and be empathetic and just say that I am sorry she feels that way. However, today I lost it and told her that I can't deal with constant tantrums from both her and my DD.

I want to support my mum and I'm grateful that she is allowing us to live with her. However, I don't expect her to 'look after me' or do my childcare for me so feel that I shouldn't be used as an emotional sick bucket for her! Should have just bitten my tongue or is it reasonable to not expect to parent both my DM and my DD at the same time?

@Ozanj thanks so much! That’s all really helpful advice. I’m definitely going to try and spend as much time with DD out of the house as I can.

I think my DM sort of hates the idea of me moving out because she makes all sort of UNTRUE claims to people about co-parenting my DD that garner a lot of sympathy. I’ve given up on getting frustrated by this though!

Sorry op if shes been like this for years shes not going to change just stop reacting to it like you would a child having a tantrum

I think an added layer of complication is that she had a very traumatic birth with me. She openly admits that she doesn’t feel a normal bond of love towards me.

I suspect she finds it hard as DD and myself are very close and bonded.

@Sarahlou63 @whynotwhatknot I definitely agree that changing her behaviour is never going to happen. I’m just struggling to ignore it 12hrs a day as she actively follows me around the house whilst I’m working or clearing, crying/moaning at me.

[quote tuesdayschild17]@Ozanj thanks so much! That’s all really helpful advice. I’m definitely going to try and spend as much time with DD out of the house as I can.

I think my DM sort of hates the idea of me moving out because she makes all sort of UNTRUE claims to people about co-parenting my DD that garner a lot of sympathy. I’ve given up on getting frustrated by this though![/quote]
Yes, Mum says the same. We literally can’t leave DS with her unsupervised with DP because otherwise he will just eat ice cream and watch TV all day. But to others she makes out I do nothing and she does everything for DS lol. I just view it as her trying to stay ‘relevant’ - Mum never really embraced any identity other than being a Mum and never really had friends beyond family (who are now all dead), so I try to be sympathetic but it’s so hard.

My sil has a lot more tricks to avoid ‘joint family time’ if you need advice just DM me. Don’t want to share too much publically in case I get outed

[quote tuesdayschild17]**@Sarahlou63* @whynotwhatknot* I definitely agree that changing her behaviour is never going to happen. I’m just struggling to ignore it 12hrs a day as she actively follows me around the house whilst I’m working or clearing, crying/moaning at me.[/quote]
yes must be hard just try not to be there alot and whenyou are just say mum im busy and shut your door

Can you shut her down more and call out her behaviour? She probably doesn't realise how bad she is because it is now the norm. Can you have a chat and ask what's at the root of it - 'Mum you seem so angry and unhappy. I don't like seeing you like this and it's not nice for DD having to witness your outbursts. What's really going on and what can we do to help?' If you phrase it as wanting to help rather than criticising her, it might not seem so negative. If she won't engage then whenever these outbursts occur I'd be saying, 'I don't want to hear it mum' and 'That's enough now.'

[quote tuesdayschild17]**@Ozanj thanks so much! That’s all really helpful advice. I’m definitely going to try and spend as much time with DD out of the house as I can.

I think my DM sort of hates the idea of me moving out because she makes all sort of UNTRUE claims to people about co-parenting my DD that garner a lot of sympathy. I’ve given up on getting frustrated by this though![/quote]
About the second point, if she keeps spouting it to anyone who listens I'd have to counteract it by saying really calmly but leaving her with no misguided impression "But Mum, you're not co-parenting DD with me. You're her grandmother and I'm her mother, her parent so let's move on from saying this, alright?"
You don't need to sound frustrated when you say that, I'd even go with a jovial voice like you've heard it so many times that she is playing a broken record.

Agree with the suggestion that @Ozanj made earlier - until you can physically move out of the house, make yourself less available to her. You may even find that by being a bit more absent around the house, she appreciates your company, when you're there, more and doesn't throw these tantrums as often.

First thing thought of was post menopause.

Sorry OP but she sounds just like my mum who is still the same (though she doesn't swear as that would be beneath her) and she is in her eighties now.
Sweetness and light to new people and people outside the home, but digs for information to pass on to all and sundry, complains endlessly and tries to control what others do.

Everything is worse for her than anyone else. And, of course, she has had sad/unfair/unlucky things happen, like most of us, but they don't give you a free pass forever.
I don't live with her and have siblings who help share the load but we all feel both guilty and resentful because she makes it so hard to be around.
Nothing helpful to add I'm afraid but if sympathy /empathy is any use I'm sending bucketfuls to you.