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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to her having my number

42 replies

TheAntelope · 19/07/2021 11:40

I'll try to keep it short and sweet!

I have an 9 year old DSS and have been with his father for 4 years, married 2.

I don't have any drama with his mother, we are polite when we see each other but that's the extent of it.

I don't like the way she can be with DH sometimes, she can be very manipulative and, what I feel is controlling toward him both via message and in person, however I have always stayed out of it and only given my opinion to him privately when he's asked for it. The typical one is asking him to drop everything last minute if she gets an offer to go out somewhere and then guilting him if he says he can't. There has also been mention of me to DH when these things have happened as well "why can't you ask antelope?" on occasion.

I won't go into exact scenarios but I'm really not the kind of person to say she's being those things if I felt she weren't and I have always said to DH if I agree with her in certain situations. I wouldn't just disagree with her for the sake of it iyswim.

Anyway, she's asked DH if she can have my number "in case". I have said to DH no as I see no reason for her to need it.

I do believe if given the opportunity she would take to asking me for things if DH said no and being a people pleaser (to my own detriment often!) I am reluctant to give her the opportunity.

But then I do think she's never been anything but polite to me personally so perhaps I'm over reacting.

What say you MN?

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 19/07/2021 11:42

She has no reason to have your number. She needs to communicate with your partner and that's it.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 19/07/2021 11:44

I wouldn't give her it, no. She should be communicating with your husband.

Appuskidu · 19/07/2021 11:48

No-I wouldn’t give it. Does your DH back you up?

Original poster
TheAntelope · 19/07/2021 11:55

Thank you for the replies so far.

DH isn't bothered and will quite happily tell her no if that's what I want.

Sorry this may count as a bit of a drip feed but I think the main cause for this is the fact I've been a lot more involved during the whole Covid situation. It was quite difficult for everyone and I did help DH quite a bit with caring for DSC whilst he had to work whilst SS was off school. So I think that's her "reasoning", if I'm going to be responsible for SS occasionally then she needs my number.

I personally don't see the need still. SS actually has a phone (one that can only be used on WiFi at home so he can message his Dad/Mum from either home) so if I absolutely needed to get in touch with her for whatever reason I would have access to her number. But there has never been an occasion where that's been necessary in 4 years.

OP posts:
Jangle33 · 19/07/2021 11:59

If you’ve got sole charge of SS and DH isn’t there and it’s not just a complete one off then I don’t think she’s being unreasonable. I would always want to be able to contact one of my child’s friend’s parents if they were there and I think this is analogous.

The point is you need to be prepared and say no if you can’t help out or whatever it is?

Original poster
TheAntelope · 19/07/2021 12:02

Thing is I very rarely do have sole charge of SS. There was definitely a period last year and earlier this year where I was more involved purely because it was a weird situation but normally I very rarely have him with me alone. The most that typically happens is I may drop him at school/ pick up occasionally if DH is struggling to get out of work but even that isn't often.

OP posts:
MzHz · 19/07/2021 12:13

If it quacks like a duck….

No, you’re instincts are right here, you know her having your number isn’t going to be for the benefit of anyone other than her!

Say no. Stay well out of this

MrsToothyBitch · 19/07/2021 12:16

I wouldn't give her your number- she just wants someone to tap for childcare!

Stuckhere2021 · 19/07/2021 12:19

@Jangle33

If you’ve got sole charge of SS and DH isn’t there and it’s not just a complete one off then I don’t think she’s being unreasonable. I would always want to be able to contact one of my child’s friend’s parents if they were there and I think this is analogous.

The point is you need to be prepared and say no if you can’t help out or whatever it is?

This ^^.

What if DSS had an accident or something and his DF was not able to answer the phone, would you not want to know?

RedMarauder · 19/07/2021 12:21

Thing is I very rarely do have sole charge of SS.

Then she doesn't need your number.

She can contact your DH at all times about their child if she has concerns.

Btw I had this requested on me. My DP said "No" then his ex turned abusive to him....

TeeBee · 19/07/2021 12:22

No, don't do it. She should field childcare queries to the child's father. He can then discuss it with you, as appropriate. We had to curb my OH's ex in a similar way as she was asking his mother constantly for childcare when she was unwell and didn't really feel she could say no for fear of causing upset. Now all requests are fielded through him in the first instance as he sees his mother during the week and can gauge how she is.

Original poster
TheAntelope · 19/07/2021 12:27

What if DSS had an accident or something and his DF was not able to answer the phone, would you not want to know?

Do you mean if he had an accident whilst with his mother? I'm not sure what I would be able to do if she rang me about it to be honest.

OP posts:
NotSorry · 19/07/2021 12:30

What if DSS had an accident or something and his DF was not able to answer the phone, would you not want to know?

How is that any different from a family whose parents are married - if one of mine had an accident and I couldn't get hold of my DH I'd have to keep trying him, or I'd phone the office receptionist etc.

OP YANBU

tallduckandhandsome · 19/07/2021 12:32

YANBU, tell DH she is not yet have your number.

And stop being a people pleaser. Even if she somehow did get your number, don't engage, just say no and that she needs to speak to DH.

MissJeanBrodiesprime · 19/07/2021 12:37

Even on the odd occasion you look after DSS she can still contact you via your DH if needs be, surely?

Lavender24 · 19/07/2021 12:44

I initially voted YABU as her having your number could be handy in case of an emergency but changed my mind after reading some of the replies. I agree she would just take the piss messaging you about childcare.

Original poster
TheAntelope · 19/07/2021 12:46

@MissJeanBrodiesprime

Even on the odd occasion you look after DSS she can still contact you via your DH if needs be, surely?
Yes.

And if things we really that important she could message me via social media I suppose. We aren't friends on there but she's not blocked either so she could send me a message if really necessary.

OP posts:
newnortherner111 · 19/07/2021 12:47

Reasonable to say no, assuming DSS when with you is also with your DH. I'd fear being tapped up for childcare.

CustardyCreams · 19/07/2021 12:54

Definitely yanbu. DH can be perfectly nice about it when he says no, and just say it would be easier to keep communication directly between himself and his ex.

You don’t want to get dragged into being in contact with her, it isn’t necessary or desirable.

youshallnotpass9 · 19/07/2021 12:59

Have you got a home phone number you can give her?

Viviennemary · 19/07/2021 13:02

Not reasonable to say no if you are sometimes with SS on your own. If she has form for being a nuisance or a troublemaker that's different.

Original poster
TheAntelope · 19/07/2021 13:02

@youshallnotpass9

Have you got a home phone number you can give her?
No we don't have a house phone
OP posts:
MadameMonk · 19/07/2021 13:15

I’d answer that so far the need hasn’t arisen, why mess with a good system? I’d also say I would be concerned at the possibility of mixed messaging and double-ups of arrangements. Much easier to continue funnelling all child-related stuff through one person per household- ie DH.

Whether that’s your reason or not, it sounds legit Wink

youshallnotpass9 · 19/07/2021 13:48

@TheAntelope that was my only sensible suggestion, I would just get DH to say its best if everything comes through me, as you say if its an emergency, you can use DSS phone and if she has an emergency she can ring DSS number

Glitteryfox · 19/07/2021 13:49

I don't think it's necessary. I don't have the phone number of my ex's partner, even though she does seem to do quite a lot for my son. But my son is thirteen and has his own phone, so can easily contact me himself if he needs to. My son has her number and calls her if he can't get hold of his dad or knows that she will be coming to pick him up. The only time I would've liked to have her number is when she had my son alone at her family's house and something happened when he didn't have his phone with him. His dad is a bit useless so ended up calling me with her second hand information and it was a bit difficult to sort out in such a convoluted way.

I see my son as his dad's responsibility, not hers. I don't think that he should expect his girlfriend to look after my son so he can do other things, but I have no control over this during his dad's time. I'd stick with your current setup.