To say no to her having my number

[TheAntelope]

I'll try to keep it short and sweet!

I have an 9 year old DSS and have been with his father for 4 years, married 2.

I don't have any drama with his mother, we are polite when we see each other but that's the extent of it.

I don't like the way she can be with DH sometimes, she can be very manipulative and, what I feel is controlling toward him both via message and in person, however I have always stayed out of it and only given my opinion to him privately when he's asked for it. The typical one is asking him to drop everything last minute if she gets an offer to go out somewhere and then guilting him if he says he can't. There has also been mention of me to DH when these things have happened as well "why can't you ask antelope?" on occasion.

I won't go into exact scenarios but I'm really not the kind of person to say she's being those things if I felt she weren't and I have always said to DH if I agree with her in certain situations. I wouldn't just disagree with her for the sake of it iyswim.

Anyway, she's asked DH if she can have my number "in case". I have said to DH no as I see no reason for her to need it.

I do believe if given the opportunity she would take to asking me for things if DH said no and being a people pleaser (to my own detriment often!) I am reluctant to give her the opportunity.

But then I do think she's never been anything but polite to me personally so perhaps I'm over reacting.

What say you MN?

Tell ds to buy a cheap pay as you go sim for dss phone. Then if mum needs anything she can ring or facetime him

Tell dh not ds 🤦‍♀️

No don't give her your number. She can call your husband or her son if need be.

That's a giant NOPE. She has no business having your number.

If someone was ever caring for my primary school aged child on their own then I'd expect to have their number. Not have to go through someone else to contact them

Given the history here and how she can guilt DH and has at times suggested you could step in....I definitely wouldn't let her have your number! She wants it to ask you for childcare. It is just inviting hassle. In an emergency if she needed to get hold of her son she could phone your DH who could phone you.

If you're looking after the children (unless your DH is 100% always available on the phone to liaise between the two of you) then I think she should have your number. It's unusual to have your kids stay somewhere that you can't reach them in an emergency.

You'll just have to stick to your boundaries if/when the unreasonable requests come along

@DrinkFeckArseBrick

If someone was ever caring for my primary school aged child on their own then I'd expect to have their number. Not have to go through someone else to contact them

But his parent does have my number, my DH is his Dad, knows who he's with and had my telephone number.

But is his dad always contactable?

Yes do she can contact someone about her child but only indirectly. Personally I'd prefer to be able to contact them directly while the child is still young and likely to have forgotten phone or charger etc

For example our neighbours have similar aged kids and when covid is over we have agreed to help each other out with childcare. I have the wife's number but not her husband. I know sometimes she will be busy with work etc and he will be looking after them himself. I'll ask for his number or ask to set up a whatsapp group for all of us. If it's something time sensitive like 'I forgot to put suncream on x this morning sorry can you put some on please' or 'I've developed a temperature and on my way to get a pcr test so please bring them home as we need to isolate' I dont really want to message her to read on her break and message him a couple of hours later when they are burnt or have mixed with people.

Nope. You know what she’s like. She didn’t even ask when you were having him by yourself more so why now? That was the time if there was going to be one but I’d still have said no.

My DSC’s mum doesn’t have mine, hell would freeze over before I’d give it to her or DH would let me. He knows what she’s like more than I do.

Is this not just how it goes though sometimes when you're separated from your child's parent? My husband doesn't have the telephone numbers of every single person she's ever left his son with since they split up when on her time.

She has friends with children a similar age and I know SS goes round sometimes. She doesn't pass her friends number onto DH nor would he expect her to. In fact the only reason we would ever even know he'd been somewhere or with someone other than his Mum would be if he told us in passing conversation. What's the difference?

Dsd's mum has never asked for my number and I would never give it.

Don't give her your number - she is just after a babysitter. Don't let her use you

For me it depends how often you look after him alone when your husband is uncontactable and for how long. A playdate is likely to be infrequent and for a short amount of time. If you are regularly looking after him you are more involved in his life and there is more likelihood that she will need to speak to you about something, at some point.

She can speak to his father, not OP.

I wish I'd had the foresight to ask here when I was in your position. Like you I would not be disagreeing with the ex for the sake of it, would tell DH when I thought he was in the wrong but over time my own personal view was that she was controlling. She demanded my number when dh said he'd check something with me and get back to her shortly under the accusation that I 'was clearly calling the shots these days'. DH straight off said no and told me she was only trying to cause trouble and I oh so (bitter laugh) naively said don't be silly, there's no hostility between us two, we weren't in a relationship, it's fine, give her my number.

She is now blocked on all methods of communication with me.