Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To be so upset over a bunch of flowers?

38 replies

Hop27 · 19/07/2021 09:28

Sunflowers to be exact, DH came home on Saturday with a huge bunch of them. For no other reason, than he bought them to surprise me. Unfortunately this triggered me into a spiral of sadness. I've had 4 rounds of failed IVF and coincidentally every time we've had bad news someone (DH, DSS, friends, family, work) has bought me sunflowers. So having them in the house reminds me of grief and unthinkable sadness. I've never told anyone this being even just typing this makes me sound very ungrateful (which I'm not) So I tried to keep myself busy but everytime they caught my eye, my heart ached. On top of that I am hosting a big Christmas in July party soon, so was wrapping some silly gifts for the kids that are coming and the sadness that I won't ever be a mum doing this for my own child was suffocating. Took the dog out for a walk, in our beautiful suburban neighbourhood - that we moved into to raise a family and everywhere I looked, it was families out enjoying the winter sunshine. Which again I won't get to experience. Returned home in tears to DH and I couldn't admit that is was his kind gesture that triggered this sadness. Do I need to get a grip or is this normal to have these type of associations? I still can't shake their feeling of sadness.

OP posts:

SuckItUpDave · 19/07/2021 09:33

My heart goes out to you, you poor thing. Talk to your husband so he knows. It can't be easy for either of you

WellLarDeDar · 19/07/2021 09:34

I'm really sorry about the IVF not working :( cant imagine how devastating that must be. I think I missed it but why are the sunflowers reminding you of it? I don't think I understand the connection, do sunflowers represent conception or something like that?

SpongeBarb · 19/07/2021 09:37

I am sorry you are feeling like this OP. I agree, tell your husband how you are feeling.

Mamamamasaurus · 19/07/2021 09:38

@WellLarDeDar

I suspect it's more the association that OP's DH has bought them for her on sad occasions

My heart goes out to you OP, I'm sorry that you're having such a hard time. No flowers form me - and ❤️

Blossomtoes · 19/07/2021 09:40

No grieving person ever needs to get a grip. Your sadness is entirely legitimate and it’s hardly surprising that those flowers bring back the times you’ve had bad news. Maybe you could let the dust settle and then casually mention in a couple of weeks that sunflowers make you feel sad now. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. 🌹

SleepingStandingUp · 19/07/2021 09:40

I dint think its unusual that you're feeling triggered and whatever that trigger is is fine. But please do tell him kindly so he doesn't keep doing it. Sending love and 🍰

DontWiltMySpinachPlease · 19/07/2021 09:43

I think in these circumstances the priority should be doing what it takes to protect yourself. If that means chucking out the flowers then so be it! So sorry you're feeling so rubbish OP X

Ponoka7 · 19/07/2021 09:44

I think that you need to try to talk to your DH and get him to throw out the flowers. It is normal to have these associations. Having not been in your situation, I've got nothing else to add. It's something that you should share and talk through with someone close, though.

MonkeyPuddle · 19/07/2021 09:45

Oh my lovely, my heart aches for you.
You don’t need to get a grip at all. You’ve been through so, so much.
Tell your husband, maybe in a note if the words are too hard to say out loud, he obviously loves you dearly and I’m sure would hate to inadvertently upset you so.

LorneSausage · 19/07/2021 09:47

You're not alone. My SIL bought roses for my daughter when she had a miscarriage and she now associates them with that time and all the feelings of grief and sadness. Please speak to him - he sounds like he'll understand.

Hankunamatata · 19/07/2021 09:47

OP your allowed to feel however you feel and let yourself feel it. Quietly say to dh that you love the flowers and love him but until now you didn't realise that they trigger memories of failed ivf. You are allowed to be a bit selfish.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 19/07/2021 09:49

You’re grieving. Your husband will understand. Be kinder to yourself. You’ve had an emotional reaction to something which reminds you of an emotional time.
Xx

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 19/07/2021 09:50

Oh my goodness, OP, I'm so sorry. :(

Tell him, tell him what those sunflowers mean/meant to you so that he understands. In and of themselves they are are beautiful, sunny flowers and given to lift spirits but how could they in this instance.

You are not being unreasonable, give them away/bin them/bury them - and spend time together talking through your sadness. I am so sorry.

user27424799642256 · 19/07/2021 09:51

That sounds completely normal. Completely normal.

I wish I could take some of your pain away.

Astella22 · 19/07/2021 09:52

I know exactly how you feel, I had multiple failed ivf rounds and the sadness when it doesn’t work can be overwhelming. I’ve still not dealt with it fully. The smallest thing can bring all the painful memo back.
IVF can really eat away the strongest of relationships so my advise would be to try be open with your DH about how your feeling and why. It’s cathartic to talk.

Umberellatheweatha · 19/07/2021 09:52

Aww hon, sorry to hear you're having a tough time.

I think I'd just tell him they seemed to be triggering an allergy and so you had to throw them out. Give it 'i thought so last time I had sunflowers too but this time it was a whole other level of choked up and sneezy'. That way he wont buy you sunflowers in future.

As for kids, I know it's not the same thing exactly (and not an easy route of course, before anyone jumps on me as if I'm implying that) but they are always looking for new foster carers. If you have space in your home and hearts for kids then maybe you could consider going down that route.

TheFoundations · 19/07/2021 09:54

There's no such thing as being 'too upset' about something; there are no rules or guidelines for emotions. Never judge them; they are the wilderness in you. Your pure, natural, individual and beautiful response to things that happen in your life.

Your sadness needs an outlet, and for now has latched onto sunflowers. A bit like lightening latching to the highest spot. You wouldn't want to control it, it'd be dangerous - but left to move freely, it will dissipate in its own time.

Let your sadness be the natural phenomena it is. Sit with it as you would sit with a tearful friend. Don't judge it negatively or try to make it go away. Don't hide it, especially not from your husband. It's a part of who you are just now (and perhaps for some time to come), and, as such, needs your full acceptance.

NoSquirrels · 19/07/2021 10:02

Oh Hop you’re allowed to feel sad about sunflowers. Please tell your DH, it’s OK to share.

If I were you, I’d take the dog for a walk later this evening with my DH, and take the sunflowers, and walk by the river and let the sunflowers float away.

of a different sort.

NCJuly2021 · 19/07/2021 10:05

It’s so so normal to have triggers. I didn’t realise until very recently, until something very small was a trigger for me and I found myself struggling over something that happened many years ago and I thought I was over (being seriously ill). I looked into it and triggers are such a natural reaction to trauma and grief.

I am so so sorry you’ve been through all that, and I really hope you get through it.

And speak to your DH, if anything, just so he knows to avoid sunflowers in future!

Tal45 · 19/07/2021 10:06

I cannot tell you how much better you will feel if you tell your husband, not only because you're sharing the burden of the grief so he can support you but also because he will know not to make the same mistake again. Please tell him, communication is key in a relationship and you are not being at all ungrateful. It's totally understandable that you were upset by the presents too, have a good bawl if you need to, the physical release can help so much when life isn't fucking fair xxx

caringcarer · 19/07/2021 10:07

Talk to your DH and tell him you do love sunflowers but right now sunflowers bring back overwhelming feelings of loss. He will understand. I second fostering. After several miscarriages including one at 19 weeks which is late DH and I now foster. We took a cute but 5 year old with learning disabity as a long term foster child. He is now 15 and a cricket superstar playing at county level. Every weekend he has 2 or 3 matches and one midweek too. He has brought a fulfilment and massively enriched our lives. You need time to grieve first but later give it a thought. Children of all ages and abilities can melt your hearts and bring joy.

Blossomtoes · 19/07/2021 10:11

What a beautiful, wise and sensitive post @TheFoundations.

Poppins2016 · 19/07/2021 10:13

I think the association is very normal and understandable. Lots of people don't like lilies because they remind them of funerals, and this is a similar situation.

Regardless, your feelings are valid. You've been through a very difficult time. Be gentle with yourself.

Chachachawoo · 19/07/2021 10:13

Really sorry for your loss and all the sadness and disappointment you're dealing with.
I think it's totally normal to build negative associations. There are certain songs that remind me of when my mum was very ill that I can't listen to.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 19/07/2021 10:14

@Blossomtoes

What a beautiful, wise and sensitive post *@TheFoundations*.

I agree and hope that OP has seen it.

I've copied it for frequent future reference. Thanks TheFoundations

Flip

1 2