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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell my friend what I really think

33 replies

covideogme · 19/07/2021 07:20

Was supposed to go somewhere with a friend. Been many times before and it was always her absolute favourite place to go because she had an ex who worked there that she would flirt with. It got a bit irritating and sometimes resulted in me hanging out alone while she went off with him. Usually a fun night out though so, while it was irritating, I'd always enjoy it.

Planned to take another friend for said friend's birthday. Much excitement from the birthday girl as she's never been.

Original date got cancelled due to COVID.

In the meantime - my friend's ex stopped working there.

Now looking to reschedule to go back for the other friend's birthday and suddenly, with the departure of her ex, my friend 'isn't that bothered about going'. Lots of 'oh you ladies go ahead without me, don't worry about my schedule'.

Absolutely seething. We had so many nights there previously, planned meticulously so she could go and flirt with her ex. Where we stood, what time we went and what we did all had to be focussed around her 'accidentally' bumping into him.

Now he's no longer there, she's happy to let down another close friend on her birthday.

So disappointed in her selfishness. I'm so non-confrontational but I may need to say something.

AIBU to tell her she's being selfish, utterly transparent and generally just a crappy friend.

OP posts:

cookiesandcreamm · 19/07/2021 07:30

She doesn't want to go, nothing you say will change her mind other than piss her off

DarceyDashwood · 19/07/2021 07:34

I’d probably not mention the ex and all that stuff but I would say I was disappointed she couldn’t make it given it was for a friends birthday. And probably wouldn’t make any special effort for her next birthday either!

PersonaNonGarter · 19/07/2021 07:36

Don’t seeth. Just leave her to what she wants to do, and you do what you want to do.

bonfireheart · 19/07/2021 07:39

Meh, I wouldn't want her to come now anyway.

Original poster

covideogme · 19/07/2021 07:43

Sorry, one thing I should've said...

She's messaged me on the side to ask if I think it's ok she doesn't come....

I don't. I think it's crappy. If her ex still worked there she'd be there will bells on.

Not sure whether to tell her.

OP posts:

FrankButchersDickieBow · 19/07/2021 07:47

Just go without her!! As annoying and transparent as she is, why old you spoil it for yourself and your other friend.

FrankButchersDickieBow · 19/07/2021 07:49

@covideogme

Sorry, one thing I should've said...

She's messaged me on the side to ask if I think it's ok she doesn't come....

I don't. I think it's crappy. If her ex still worked there she'd be there will bells on.

Not sure whether to tell her.

Oh well I she has asked she is aware she is being a bit shit. I would have to say something like 'well it's a bit disappointing as we both know, if Bob still worked there, you'd be there with bells on!'

Whiskycav · 19/07/2021 07:51

She asked, I would tell her.

But why were you all planning your evening out around her flirting with her ex?

He behaviour was crap before this, so not sure you could have expected better from her now

SuckItUpDave · 19/07/2021 07:51

Say something. It's not OK for her to let another friend down when everyone previously went out of their way for her
Very self absorbed of her
She needs telling

Letsallscreamatthesistene · 19/07/2021 07:52

Agree with PP about saying about how theyd be there in a shot if ex worked there. Ultinately go without her though. Tbh I think its a bit sad that she linked having a good time with being able to flirt with her ex.

Wouldyoudothesame · 19/07/2021 07:53

I would say to her, 'yeah it's fine if you don't come, obviously no one can make you but just to make yo unaware, it might kind of look like you're just bit going because your ex isn't working there and (birthday friend) might see it that way and be a bit offended...but up to you x' I personally hate this kind of 'friend' but do sometimes think people don't realise what they are doing. It's bad form on her side unless she has another explanation which this should prompt her to share with you. Or you could just say, 'Is it because your ex isn't there anymore or is there another reason? (Birthday friend) might be disappointed x'.

Wouldyoudothesame · 19/07/2021 07:54

*excuse previous typos, hope you get the gist. I'm multitasking x

Twiggyandcrisp · 19/07/2021 07:57

@covideogme

Sorry, one thing I should've said...

She's messaged me on the side to ask if I think it's ok she doesn't come....

I don't. I think it's crappy. If her ex still worked there she'd be there will bells on.

Not sure whether to tell her.

She doesn't sound like a nice person. I'd just text something like "you know it's not ok" and then leave her to stew in her own juice.

hellcatspangle · 19/07/2021 07:58

Yes, I would tell her.

DarceyDashwood · 19/07/2021 07:59

As she has asked then yes, I’d definitely tell her. She obviously knows she is being a bit shit and is hoping you’ll let her for the hook so she doesn’t have to feel guilty

ThinWomansBrain · 19/07/2021 08:16

I don't think I'd have endured so many previous visits to play gooseberry TBH.
She's asked - tell her.
If it ruins the 'friendship', it doesn't sound the greatest loss

uktrippin · 19/07/2021 08:23

"yeah it's fine if you don't come, obviously no one can make you but just to make yo unaware, it might kind of look like you're just bit going because your ex isn't working there and (birthday friend) might see it that way and be a bit offended...but up to you x"

This is cringeworthy, don't send that.

awaywiththefae · 19/07/2021 08:27

@covideogme

Sorry, one thing I should've said...

She's messaged me on the side to ask if I think it's ok she doesn't come....

I don't. I think it's crappy. If her ex still worked there she'd be there will bells on.

Not sure whether to tell her.

Tell her OP, I ditched a crappy friend and wish I’d told her why so she knew.

MrsMillhouse · 19/07/2021 08:31

She asked. I’d tell her it’s pretty shitty, but it’s her choice

MrsMillhouse · 19/07/2021 08:33

@uktrippin why is that cringeworthy?

Brefugee · 19/07/2021 08:36

Tell her it's not OK as other friend is really looking forward to it. Ignore all the ex- stuff. More fool you for going along with it tbh

FunnyWonder · 19/07/2021 08:39

I honestly can't believe any of you could have relaxed and enjoyed yourselves properly at that venue if you spent half the time watching your friend making a ridiculous show of herself around her ex. Did she want him back? There are easier ways. You'll have a better time without her. I would be tempted to say this, but probably wouldn't bother, seeing as how you were prepared to indulge her in the past.

uktrippin · 19/07/2021 08:48

"why is that cringeworthy?"

Passive aggressive, skirts round the OPs real feelings and blames the other friend, so very clearly fake and hiding behind what "birthday girl" might apparently think rather than just owning it.

I could go on

rookiemere · 19/07/2021 08:55

I'd respond saying that it's a bit disappointing for friend that she's not prioritising her birthday night and you hope she can make it for friends sake.
So don't let her off the hook but don't mention previous antics as not really relevant.

3scape · 19/07/2021 09:00

How old are you all? I can't imagine adults going for a night out just to watch a woman fling herself at someone time and again, who was working. Why has No one given her a talking to to get a grip. Its stalker behaviour and you were supporting it. Vile

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