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Original poster

Friend’s baby obsession

26 replies

HollaHolla · 18/07/2021 23:04

Ok I’m prepared to put my hard hat on here, but I’m really struggling with my relationship with one of my best friends.
She is almost 49, and desperate for a baby. To the extend it’s almost her sole subject of conversation, and everything comes back around to it. I’m absolutely sympathetic, but she and her partner have been trying for 4 years, and nothing.... he is 57, and a grandad of 4. Which, of course, isn’t the issue in itself, but just to give you the fuller picture.
I have been massively supportive of her trying to have a baby (went to see about a sperm bank about 10 years ago, when she was single; encouraged her to go see the GP/a fertility doctor), but she has consistently refused to engage with any interventions - only that ‘it will happen, because I want it so much’.
It has been exacerbated by the issue that I have been unable to conceive with my (now ex) partner, despite going through fertility treatments/IVF over the last 8 years. I have gone through early menopause; I’m now 42.

I am very supportive of her, and I know how much she wants this - but it would be good if she could be a bit sensitive. I have come home from visiting her this afternoon, and cried almost the whole way home in the car.
I’m struggling to be able to have a conversation with her which doesn’t revolve around her and her (as yet hypothetical) baby. Happy to be told - kindly - that I’m being overly sensitive, but any hints/tips on getting our friendship back on track would be gratefully received.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 18/07/2021 23:06

You need to distance yourself from her and not feel one shred of guilt for doing so. Sadly, she is nearly delusional, not to mention incredibly insensitive. She is negatively impacting your mental health and this needs to stop.

BackforGood · 18/07/2021 23:09

What Aquamarine said.

She is being unrealistic and insensitive and your choice needs to be whether to tell her, or just avoid her. It is not doing you any good at all.

Teacupsandtoast · 18/07/2021 23:10

^^ this. She's in fucking cloud cuckoo land - she could shag all day every day and the chances of a natural pregnancy occurring are still slim to zero. If she REALLY wanted a child, she would have pursued it properly...so it sounds like she is attention seeking in the most insensitive way

LivingLaVidaCovid · 18/07/2021 23:13

@Aquamarine1029

You need to distance yourself from her and not feel one shred of guilt for doing so. Sadly, she is nearly delusional, not to mention incredibly insensitive. She is negatively impacting your mental health and this needs to stop.
This in spades.

She is in egypt next to denial.
Distance yourself asap.

marmaladehound · 18/07/2021 23:13

You need to stay away from her. She sounds very self absorbed and well slightly bonkers! Does she seriously think she will fall pregnant at 49?

I am sorry for all you have been through with no IVF success and now early menopause. Sounds like to need some time to look after yourself, not her.

Patapouf · 18/07/2021 23:14

She's being very insensitive and inconsiderate. She's also deluded if she thinks she's going to have a biological child naturally at 49 😲

therocinante · 18/07/2021 23:19

I feel for her - she is obviously so desperate that she has (probably) lost sight of the reality of her situation. That's very sad.

But regardless of the reason, she's being self-absorbed and insensitive. You've been there for her and she isn't giving you the same back - I'd distance myself if I were you. You deserve a friend like yourself, not like how she's behaving.

therocinante · 18/07/2021 23:25

If you want the friendship to continue, you could have a conversation with her where you explain that you feel for her and are sympathetic - of course, having gone through infertility yourself - but it's too painful for you to talk about and you'd prefer if your conversations weren't about baby-related things. Tell her you need that - set it as a firm boundary - but that it might be a good distraction for her, too.

At the moment she's so wrapped up in her own stuff she might not realise how much she's hurting (and boring!) you in the process. If you signpost it clearly, then the next time she strays in that direction in conversation you've got the groundwork to remind her that you really would prefer not to. And so on, until either she stops or - sadly - she is unable to stop and you have to take some time away from her.

She's going to need her friends around when she almost inevitably has to accept she won't be having a baby. Infertility does some insane things to people's brains, so if you can be brave enough now to set those boundaries (which you absolutely should have, and you deserve that breathing room from your own struggles) you might be able to hold onto what is obviously an important friendship in future.

Kanaloa · 18/07/2021 23:26

She’s being so selfish. You’re going through the exact same thing as her, yet she isn’t giving you support while expecting support back.

As a pp said, it may be that she is losing sight of things through her desperation, but it doesn’t sound like she’s able to be a good friend to you right now, especially as you must need some support yourself after going through early menopause and your relationship breaking down.

Cherrysoup · 18/07/2021 23:27

She’s massively inconsiderate. Distance yourself.

She is in egypt next to denial.

Never heard this, love it!

AmberIsACertainty · 18/07/2021 23:29

have come home from visiting her this afternoon, and cried almost the whole way home in the car.

This is utterly ridiculous. Friendship should not make you feel this way. Stop doing it to yourself! I'd call her up, no small talk (so she can't get into "baby" mode) and tell her straight that you've had your fertility struggles and it's still raw and you drive home crying, so the subject of fertility needs to be off the table from now on, otherwise you're going to have to stop spending time with her. She gets one chance, any more talk of fertility and you leave, then decline any further meet-ups or phone calls on the basis that she can't respect your wishes and you don't want friends who upset you. Be honest with her and tell her that. It'll mean the end of the friendship, but if she can't respect you then that's a good thing.

GreyhoundG1rl · 18/07/2021 23:29

only that ‘it will happen, because I want it so much’.
Confused. She actually doesn't sound well.

Original poster
HollaHolla · 18/07/2021 23:29

Thank you, everyone. It’s hard to see through the woods sometimes - and I know I’m feeling super sensitive since the early menopause thing (which she knows.)

I truly would like nothing more for her, than for her to have a baby, as she wants it so much. However, it’s become an obsession for her, and I worry for her if/when it doesn’t happen for her.

Thank you to you for your kindness. I’m thinking about accessing counselling, to talk about the fact my life is different from how I envisioned. I think it’s probably not a bad idea for me to let the friendship cool for now, in the meantime.

Thank you. It’s hard to discuss these things in real life - and being on my own now means I’ve got too much time to think about it all.

OP posts:
GreyhoundG1rl · 18/07/2021 23:31

and I worry for her if/when it doesn’t happen for her.
But it won't. You must know it won't?

Original poster
HollaHolla · 18/07/2021 23:34

@GreyhoundG1rl

and I worry for her if/when it doesn’t happen for her. But it won't. You must know it won't?
Of course I know it 99.99999% won’t happen for her now - especially without intervention.

This is massively outing if she’s on here, but she used to have a relationship with a man who had a vasectomy with his ex. Her sister used to tell her that ‘miracles happen’, to the extent she took a number of pregnancy tests, because she was convinced she had conceived.
Unsurprisingly, she was not pregnant.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 18/07/2021 23:35

I wonder if she’s my ex colleague, except she was married.

It sounds unbearable for you OP and I agree you need to step back in a big way, to protect yourself, rather than thinking there’s anything you can do to make the situation better.

My colleague started ttc at 45, her husband was a lot older and had serious health issues affecting his fertility. She found out I’d had a miscarriage and became obsessed with trying to talk about her issues and mine at any given opportunity which was so unprofessional and incredibly upsetting. I then had another miscarriage and she started telling me if I didn’t manage to stay pregnant soon I’d be in the same boat as she was. It really was awful.

I tried the subtle approach “I’d rather not think about any of this at work thank you, I’m just getting on with my job”, then “honestly, this is upsetting me, can we not” then she started bombarding me with emails. After that I pretty much tried to ignore her. She was in a bad place but she had family and a husband and her IVF team to talk to. I didn’t have it in me to take her pain and stress out on top of my own stuff.

It’s okay to step back. It’s what you need to do for you and you matter too.

IsabelHerna · 19/07/2021 09:43

Hi OP!

I am sorry that you feel this way, and I am so sorry that one of your friend's attidute made you cry.

If at this moment in time spending time with her brings you down, then take a step back like a pp said, and in time you can re-evaluate the friendship and spend more time together.

For the time being, you have to focus on you, your health, your life and your future. I wish you all the best of luck darling!

Hankunamatata · 19/07/2021 09:50

Has your friend actually asked you about your about early menopause and how you are coping?

Ponoka7 · 19/07/2021 10:15

I'd risk the friendship by being honest that it's too upsetting for you to have the conversations that you are. She's made her choices over the years and now it's too late without intervention. This is going to continue for another couple of years and then she might go into grief. There's nothing that you can do for her. So do what you have to do for you.

Original poster
HollaHolla · 19/07/2021 11:49

@Hankunamatata

Has your friend actually asked you about your about early menopause and how you are coping?
No. I told her in an email, and she said she was sorry to hear that (at the time). She hasn’t ever asked me about it again. I’m realising from your responses that I’m not getting much from this friendship at present. I’m sad about this, as she really was one of my best friends for the last 15 years.

Thank you all for your advice and insights. I think I will step back a little from this friendship, and if she realises/asks me why, I will be kind, and considerate, but advise her that I am still finding it hard that she doesn’t seem to realise how hurtful it is to me. Let’s see what happens.....

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 19/07/2021 11:54

"If you want the friendship to continue, you could have a conversation with her where you explain that you feel for her and are sympathetic - of course, having gone through infertility yourself - but it's too painful for you to talk about and you'd prefer if your conversations weren't about baby-related things. Tell her you need that - set it as a firm boundary - but that it might be a good distraction for her, too."

I agree with this. If you're going to step away anyway you may as well give her the chance to change her behaviour first

Naunet · 19/07/2021 12:35

She doesn’t sound very well mentally to be honest, it’s not normal behaviour. However, if you want to keep the friendship, you need to tell her how you feel, and how one sided things feel.

Original poster
HollaHolla · 19/07/2021 13:43

@Naunet

She doesn’t sound very well mentally to be honest, it’s not normal behaviour. However, if you want to keep the friendship, you need to tell her how you feel, and how one sided things feel.
I agree on the mental wellness comment. It’s quite worrying that she will be devastated, and I am concerned she will never recover from it. Having gone through the difficult acceptance that we would never have children, I know it’s tough, but life does go on ....
OP posts:
Naunet · 19/07/2021 16:52

OP, has she (or you for that matter) ever raised the possibility of it not happening? How does she react to that? I really get your concern about her, it’s worrying how blinded she seems to be by it.

You also need to look after yourself though, and your mental health.

CounsellorTroi · 19/07/2021 17:04

@Teacupsandtoast

^^ this. She's in fucking cloud cuckoo land - she could shag all day every day and the chances of a natural pregnancy occurring are still slim to zero. If she REALLY wanted a child, she would have pursued it properly...so it sounds like she is attention seeking in the most insensitive way
I feel sad for both the OP and her friend. But I also think it's unfair to say "if you really wanted a baby you would have done xyz" especially if you yourself (generic you, not you personally) have easily become pregnant by having sex with your DH a few times.