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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To let the man stay…?

45 replies

PineapplePrincess · 18/07/2021 22:30

We have an annex to our house. My Mum use to stay there until she became too unwell and passed away. Afterward it was lying empty so we used to occasionally let it out via a well known website.

One of the visitors was an elderly gentleman, who would travel to visit family. He stayed twice over the space of a couple of years. He settled up via the websit. Was very sweet, and a bit dottery - so we would keep an extra eye on him and help him out.

Last year with Covid we didn’t let the place out at all. To be honest we are thinking of converting the space into a home office or maybe a play area for the kids.

Elderly chap asked to stay when restrictions were temporarily lifted at the end of last year. He texted my phone (which I gave him for emergencies) rather than through the website and I reluctantly agreed.

There was a chat about money and I gave him bank details for payment, but after a bit of a faff about him not understanding online banking etc, I let it go and said he could stay without paying. I figure it would be the last year he was visiting given his dementia seemed to be progressing.

Instead of staying the week we had originally agreed, he stayed two. I didn’t think too much of it. Place was empty anyway. We again helped out to make sure he was safe and okay.

This year he was in touch again. I felt a huge guilt trip. I again agreed to let him visit.

This was not small feat, as the annex had become a general storage area. So meant several days of gutting the place, trips to the dump and charity shops and general cleaning.

No mention of money. He brought some toys for the kids.

I’m not overly bothered about the money, but think the fact it wasn’t mentioned a bit cheeky. It’s possibly his dementia. Given both my parents died from dementia, I have a soft spot here.

DH thinks I’m mad. Am I?

OP posts:
Annoyedandirritated · 18/07/2021 22:32

You are bonkers 🤣

LemonFantaGin · 18/07/2021 22:34

If you dont need the money, and it keeps an old man woth failing health happy, whats the harm?

Id be in your camp.

Greenwateringcan · 18/07/2021 22:35

All I’d be worried about is insurance if anything happened to him or the annex.

TheChiefJo · 18/07/2021 22:41

Yeah, you are BU to keep this staying-for-free thing rolling if your DP isn't on board.

What has been has been. But if he asks to stay again, say no or ask for payment. Do it clearly. If you can't, get DP to do it.

YANBU to be kind to a person who may have dementia. That's lovely, tbh. But you can't go on like that.

Cherrysoup · 18/07/2021 22:46

That’s not sustainable and if he overstays again and doesn’t look to be leaving, how will you get him out? Saying he didn’t understand how to transfer money from his bank is fine, I couldn’t do it, but him not taking out money while there is a huge pisstake.

HollowTalk · 18/07/2021 22:51

That dementia is very handy for him, isn't it?

Mountaingoatling · 18/07/2021 22:52

I think you're being kind.

LaurieFairyCake · 18/07/2021 22:53

You have an elderly man occasionally living with you whom you don't know

I mean, it's pretty odd 🤷‍♀️

NeepNeepNeep · 18/07/2021 22:54

How did you come to know of his dementia?

Chinam · 18/07/2021 22:55

He seems to have no bother remembering your phone number. Woman up and ask for payment.

bonfireheart · 18/07/2021 22:57

If he's travelling to visit family then where are they?
How does he travel to your property?
Do you feed him? Do his laundry?

MathsFail · 18/07/2021 22:57

Next time he massages just tell him you're really sorry but you've converted it to a Wendy house for the kids and there's no longer a bed in there, therefore you're not taking visitors anymore.

DPotter · 18/07/2021 22:58

Maybe not mad but certainly naïve. Why do you think it's up to him to mention money? You're the one offering a service - it's totally appropriate for you to take the lead in asking for recompense for the service provided

Not sure about insurance angles and what happens if he shows no sign of leaving ? Is he still with you? You need to take a deep breath and ask when he's going and then tell him this will be the last time he can stay as you're converting the space into an office.

FirmlyRooted · 18/07/2021 23:00

Seems like a generous and kind arrangement on your part, I think YANBU if you aren't too inconvenienced by it. Not everything is about money, doing a good deed can be much more valuable

PineapplePrincess · 18/07/2021 23:00

@Cherrysoup

That’s not sustainable and if he overstays again and doesn’t look to be leaving, how will you get him out? Saying he didn’t understand how to transfer money from his bank is fine, I couldn’t do it, but him not taking out money while there is a huge pisstake.
DH has raised this point. Hadn’t really thought about it, till it was too late to say no,

I figured he may stay a few days longer than anticipated, but he will actually leave. 🙄🤭🙄

OP posts:
PineapplePrincess · 18/07/2021 23:03

@NeepNeepNeep

How did you come to know of his dementia?
It was pretty obvious on meeting him. And has got slightly worse over the years.

After having two parents with dementia (Lewy Body and Vascular), I can spot it. Pretty sure it isn’t faked.

OP posts:
HerMammy · 18/07/2021 23:04

Funny how his dementia doesn’t stop him contacting you or travelling alone 🤔

OnTheBoardwalk · 18/07/2021 23:05

@LemonFantaGin

If you dont need the money, and it keeps an old man woth failing health happy, whats the harm?

Id be in your camp.

Not sure if you are being goady

Can I come and live in your spare room?

PineapplePrincess · 18/07/2021 23:06

@bonfireheart

If he's travelling to visit family then where are they? How does he travel to your property? Do you feed him? Do his laundry?
Yes, he drive to us.

Family are local to the area. But does’nt seem to be immediate family, not sons/daughters or brothers/sisters.

No feeding or laundry. Just letting him use the annex.

DH had suggested inviting him in for dinner once (a few years back), but I didn’t want the kids getting too familiar. Thankfully we didn’t start that!?!

OP posts:
DismantledKing · 18/07/2021 23:08

He has dementia and drives? I don’t know about the whole annexe thing, but I’d be mentioning that to the DVLA.

LadyGAgain · 18/07/2021 23:17

I think you're wonderful OP. If you don't need the money then you're helping out a man in the twilight years of his life. How brilliant are you!!

PineapplePrincess · 18/07/2021 23:28

@DismantledKing

He has dementia and drives? I don’t know about the whole annexe thing, but I’d be mentioning that to the DVLA.
He does.

I figured last year he wouldn’t be back due to his dementia and the likelihood he wouldn’t be able to drive.

I can’t judge his fitness to drive give I only see him briefly. He is married, I’d assume his wife wouldn’t let him travel if she didn’t think he could manage it.

OP posts:
DismantledKing · 18/07/2021 23:29

Yeah, I wouldn’t be making any assumptions there. Families can be rather lax telling people when it’s time to give up the driving.

PineapplePrincess · 18/07/2021 23:31

@LadyGAgain

I think you're wonderful OP. If you don't need the money then you're helping out a man in the twilight years of his life. How brilliant are you!!
Aw thank you.

I do like him. He’s very sweet.

I figure given his memory is going it’s important he stays somewhere somewhat familiar, with people around to help if needed. Hence why I find it difficult to say no.

OP posts:
mashawithbear · 18/07/2021 23:31

So what he couldn't use online banking, why wouldn't you ask for cash in hand when he comes to stay? Seems bizzare you said for free just because he didn't know how to do online banking