Just need a rant about SEN son

regularbutnamechangedd · 18/07/2021 12:13

@Madwife123

Just posting as I need a rant and anyone in real life thinks I’m awful for daring to ever feel annoyed by my SEN son.

He’s 17, autistic and bloody enormous. 6 foot tall and weighs 15 stone. It’s like having an adult sized toddler at all times.

Feeling particularly stressed today as over the last few weeks I’ve spent close to £1000 doing the garden to make it more useable and the fact that he is far too big to play like a typical 4 year old (throwing himself at things etc) he has managed to break every single thing I’ve bought.

So the kids are bored, moaning, want to play and they can’t because he’s broken everything and now no one can use it.

Feeling really down about it. My house is falling apart. His strength is crazy and he has no idea how heavy handed he is. He ripped the banister off the wall walking up the stairs. Ripped the kitchen cupboard door off opening it. Everything he touches ends up broken. Yet at the same time he’s 17 and arguing he wants more independence and doesn’t want me watching his every move and doing everything for him. And of course it’s never his fault. The swing wasn’t made properly. The trampoline must have been faulty. The kitchen cupboard was already lose. He refuses to accept he is at fault and won’t modify his behaviour to try and stop this.

I feel destined to forever be replacing the next thing he’s damaged and never having anything nice as a result. Feeling really down about it.

Did you put the garden equipment up for his use? At the time you were buying it did you know he would probably break it?

Because if you did know that really then YABU. You just set him up to fail.

I understand how it must be frustrating but at 17 you must have a good overall grasp of what he's like, and how strong he is. We recently spent a bit of money on our garden too and I basically told the landscaper that everything had to be strong enough for a large gorilla to swing from it. So we used sleepers and concreted them all in. Didn't spend much more than you and is probably a bit uglier than the stuff you chose but DC now has a swing he can throw himself at, and we have nice robust seating area that he can clamber all over. Trampoline is set in the ground.

I know you know none of this stuff is your son's fault, and I understand how sometimes you just want to be able to have stuff without him wrecking it, but really allowing yourself to think like that will ultimately depress you.

x2boys · 18/07/2021 12:15

I hear you op my eleven year old son has severe autism and learning disabilities, he's very destructive too.

MrsCalypsoGrant · 18/07/2021 12:16

OP, I'm rushing now but I just wanted to say I completely hear you. Mine is 14 & heading the same way (other than the fact he's a whippet - god knows where he houses his strength!)

I have no good advice really but just wanted you to know I totally understand where you are & how you feel & you have my complete empathy - I could have written your post. All the best

StylishMummy · 18/07/2021 12:19

Do you get any respite OP?

ShimmyYay · 18/07/2021 12:23

Sorry not on topic but can anyone say whether you’re able to determine whether your child is autistic from when they are just a baby?

fourminutestosavetheworld · 18/07/2021 12:34

Was there a weight restriction on the play equipment? If you decide to replace these for your younger children, I'd tell him that he can't go on it because he's over 12 stone (or whatever).

If you want him to be able to use the equipment then I wonder whether there are any specialist companies that make particularly robust equipment for this reason? Or somewhere where you could get recommendations re durability?

Or just provide cheap stuff so that you don't mind so much if it gets broken?

Sorry about the stuff in your house though. That must be very difficult to deal with. Without knowing your son it is very difficult to say, but would he respond to an age-appropriate social story about being gentle?

BlankTimes · 18/07/2021 12:46

@ShimmyYay
Try SNChat or SNChildren, lots of similar questions there.

regularbutnamechangedd · 18/07/2021 12:55

@ShimmyYay

Sorry not on topic but can anyone say whether you’re able to determine whether your child is autistic from when they are just a baby?

Yes you can, there are definite flags, but you start to be more certain when they are toddlers

Original poster

Madwife123 · 18/07/2021 12:59

@regularbutnamechangedd Yes we bought it for his use, and the other children’s, but we spent more to have sturdy equipment that can take his weight. He still broke it.

He once knocked down a small brick wall. I don’t you quite gather his sheer size and the strength he has. There is nothing he can’t break.

OP posts:

BlankTimes · 18/07/2021 14:46

Virtual hugs OP, it must be so hard for you.

Whilst he won't listen to you about modifying his behaviour, would he listen to an OT do you think? I'm wondering if he doesn't have the sensory feedback from his body to tell him he's using excessive force, hence his explanations that things are faulty, so maybe some time 1:1 with an OT could be productive in that direction.

There's a galvanised swing frame here, it's frame only. specialneedstoys.com/uk/vestibular/single-swing-frame.html

Do you think a trampoline set into the ground would survive, as suggested by regularbutnamechangedd if so, search for in-ground trampoline or inground base trampoline.

Original poster

Madwife123 · 18/07/2021 15:03

It’s the safety net around the trampoline he has broken so won’t make a difference in the ground or not. He bounces and throws himself at the net.

The swing is already a heavy duty one, holds up to 500kg, but he has picked at the stitching of the seat and loosened it so next time he ran and jumped on it the fabric gave way.

I know why he does it, I know he can’t help it and I know nothing is going to change but I can’t help feel utterly fed up of it.

OP posts:

SnarkyBag · 18/07/2021 15:05

It’s sounds incredibly stressful and I feel for you but I would say poor body awareness is very common for some people with autism and it will affect their ability to judge and grade their force when they handle objects.

I know that doesn’t change the fact that things get broken but it’s probably not helpful to your levels of stress to believe it’s purposeful on his behalf.

AvaCallanach · 18/07/2021 15:07

Turn it into a strength. Get him some weight training or boxing classes, 1:1, with a coach used to SEN. Part of that training is to understand and use your strength more wisely. He sounds like he has a real potential skill there.

AvaCallanach · 18/07/2021 15:11

Maybe he might compete in the Special Olympics one day....

BlowDryRat · 18/07/2021 15:13

What's the plan for when he turns 18 OP? It sounds like he doesn't want to live with you forever. Can he move into supported living with other people his age?

Nettleskeins · 18/07/2021 15:21

Is there he could exercise which isn't the garden? I say this because my three kids grew out of our garden equipment at about 7 years old. As in climbing frame too wobbly and small, garden wouldn't fit a proper trampoline that three hefty children could jump on simultaneously, football broke windows if they kicked it.
We managed a tiny bit of badminton before the flowerbeds all got trashed in process.

Maybe he has to go out to a sports field or gym or swimming pool?

My chikdren also break and destroy things just by virtue of being large and bouncy in an average sized house. DS2 is autistic and tbh staying at home could never be a way of entertaining or exercising him. Long walks, now bicycling at 19 (only picked it up at 17) football group (very small) tennis with a few others, again very casual hitting ball around on a tennis court, the running helped calm him. Organised sports were difficult but some solo or three person sports were useful at getting him fit. Travelling to and from football matches by bus /by foot has also been great exercise for him...basically being out and about.
I have a pet which needs to go "out" out, or gets v destructive, Ds and his siblings are much the same really.

My house is v shabby and bashed ...I think it is that way when teens are living there, autistic or not.

Nettleskeins · 18/07/2021 15:32

Judo is another sport that helped ds2, although he has gone off it since 15 years.

A lot of people don't have gardens which are suitable for playequipment , that may not be any comfort but I've never even expected to "contain" my children in my 60ft space.

Rowing machine?
Heavy lifting for you like shopping carried back from supermarket.Barrowing stuff from one part of garden to other...build a raised bed perhaps...
Digging?
Getting him to travel independently on buses to some specific activity/ appointment (travel training is a thing with some LAs to promote independence) and he will automatically be taking more exercise. I shadowed mine for a while doing this (put him in bus, met him other end) or he went with a responsible peer for several months.

Daisy1245 · 18/07/2021 15:40

Sorry op but I laughed that he said it all must of been made faulty. My kind of humour. Chin up op. The love of a son is worth far more than things. Don't buy nice things if they will just get broken. He may internalise the guilt from that really so tries to laugh it off.

Quietcrown · 18/07/2021 15:54

That sounds hard. My oldest has ASD and at least she is small and light (so far) it must be so hard to give them sensory stuff when they get bigger.

Is there any possibility of getting a personal assistant/carer a couple of times a week to take him to the gym? I know there are a couple of people in my area who do that. Does he have an OT? They might have some suggestions for alternative ways to get sensory input.

It's just crap when they break new stuff. Mine used to be a serious biter and pretty much everything in my house is covered in little teeth marks.

SarahAndQuack · 18/07/2021 16:18

@Daisy1245

Sorry op but I laughed that he said it all must of been made faulty. My kind of humour. Chin up op. The love of a son is worth far more than things. Don't buy nice things if they will just get broken. He may internalise the guilt from that really so tries to laugh it off.

Did you read her post at all?

OP, I'm so sorrry, it sounds really rough.

Original poster

Madwife123 · 18/07/2021 16:19

@Nettleskeins He refuses to leave the house / garden so going out not an option and he hasn’t been able to take part in sports as he can’t handle losing. He used to, many years ago, okay football for a local club but when he missed a goal he bit the keeper and wasn’t allowed back again so garden it is.

@Daisy1245 It’s not even about nice things. My kitchen cupboards aren’t nice, they are just normal cupboards. But the door has now been ripped off. My younger children want to be able to play. They already lose so much due to their brothers disabilities and if I give up and don’t buy things then it’s hardly fair for them.

@BlowDryRat There is no plan. He won’t go near other people so group support won’t work. He can’t live independently so we carry on for god knows how many years with him resenting living with me but having no other options. He’s intelligent and as a result doesn’t qualify for a lot of services, he’s too able to need professional support but not able enough to cope alone.

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Nettleskeins · 18/07/2021 16:35

It sounds like anxiety about leaving the house is the issue here rather than the breakages themselves.
I have friends whose teenage children have anxiety , which meant they were "unable" to leave the house. This isn't going to go away without some tailored interventions. I'm not a psychologist but I know that psychologists and therapists DO work with anxiety of this kind to mitigate it, and persuade person to take small steps to go out...ie to shop to buy snack or to do something else that is so gratifying that it offsets the fear/pain/stress associated with going out.
Tbh the more nice things happen at home the less reason he has for leaving the compound.

People retreat from unpleasant experiences ...if outside is a place he fears you need help to reacclimatize him.

Is there anyone advising or helping him with this??

Nettleskeins · 18/07/2021 16:45

"He is too able to need professional support". If he can't go outside your house or garden he is suffering mental illhealth. If he cannot exercise he is suffering physical illhealth.
That to me is needing professional support.
Private pysch or OT if you cannot get it through the NHS. Better than spending money on play equipment in long run. DLA for a start.
15 year olds are difficult but not leaving house or wanting to see any peers is bad anxiety.

Nettleskeins · 18/07/2021 16:50

My son couldn't play football in a small group setting till he was 1213, he had just your son's reaction to losing. It is a problem that we work to overcome constantly by gentle exposure to game settings, small groups, talking through possible outcomes. And football matches on telly and in RL. DS plays no formal football

Tal45 · 18/07/2021 17:05

Have a look at proprioception and autism, it will help explain why he breaks everything. If he can't leave the house/garden then he has to be severe enough to need help, agoraphobia definitely requires help, it sounds like his anxiety is sky high and he needs a lot of support that you are understandably struggling to give him. He could probably do with supported living, I would definitely look into it xxx