Just need a rant about SEN son

[Madwife123]

Just posting as I need a rant and anyone in real life thinks I’m awful for daring to ever feel annoyed by my SEN son.

He’s 17, autistic and bloody enormous. 6 foot tall and weighs 15 stone. It’s like having an adult sized toddler at all times.

Feeling particularly stressed today as over the last few weeks I’ve spent close to £1000 doing the garden to make it more useable and the fact that he is far too big to play like a typical 4 year old (throwing himself at things etc) he has managed to break every single thing I’ve bought.

So the kids are bored, moaning, want to play and they can’t because he’s broken everything and now no one can use it.

Feeling really down about it. My house is falling apart. His strength is crazy and he has no idea how heavy handed he is. He ripped the banister off the wall walking up the stairs. Ripped the kitchen cupboard door off opening it. Everything he touches ends up broken. Yet at the same time he’s 17 and arguing he wants more independence and doesn’t want me watching his every move and doing everything for him. And of course it’s never his fault. The swing wasn’t made properly. The trampoline must have been faulty. The kitchen cupboard was already lose. He refuses to accept he is at fault and won’t modify his behaviour to try and stop this.

I feel destined to forever be replacing the next thing he’s damaged and never having anything nice as a result. Feeling really down about it.

It’s not agoraphobia. He ‘can’ leave the house if he wants to, if it’s something he chooses. But he has no desire to take part in any activity, do anything he hasn’t chosen or socialise with people he doesn’t like. Hence he will refuse to leave the house. When you’ve got a 6 foot child throwing himself to the floor in a tantrum you stop trying.

Have you looked into medication for the Social Anxiety OP. DS2 (19) has ASD and LDs. He is 6ft 3 and extremely strong. He has broken 2 trampolines in the last few years by doing somersaults and them collapsing (no injuries thankfully!). We got a smaller 8 ft one last time to stop him doing somersaults but he’s grown out of going on it now anyway.

He refused to take part in sports so that was his only way to burn off steam. We tried taking him to the gym with us, boxing and kick boxing classes as he got fixtated on Ninja stuff (wanted me to buy him a Samurai sword)but he couldn’t be around people, wouldn’t follow instructions and in the gym just followed us around and constantly went on about going home from when we stepped foot in there after it took us an hour or more to get him there!

We have a boxing bag set up in the garage which he used to use quite regularly. Is that a possibility?

I always refused medications as I didn’t want him ‘drugged up’ and worried about side effects but we finally caved and tried him on Sertraline (took him a while to agree to take it) a few months ago and he has definitely changed on it. Managed to go to the cinema with a new friend totally independently last week as in he got a bus there, met his friend, managed to get his ticket, watched the film and came home on the bus. He didn’t eat the popcorn or drink I packed for them both though (nor did his friend) as he didn’t want to be seen eating but just going out and doing something as simple as that was a massive step for him. He is meeting this friend (also ASD) for walks a few times a week now and they’re deciding what to do together next. Prior to this there’s no way he would go out anywhere apart from to college.

I wish we’d tried the Sertraline earlier now.

It's completely frustrating. I have experienced many many times my child/children refusing to engage, refusing to do X activity. An "able" "intelligent" teen refusing to do something you know would benefit them or make life more interesting for them. Refusing to accept help.

But there will be some little thing that motivates him, and that will be a touchpaper to a better existence I promise. Could be a drink he wants to buy from shop. Could be safe place in someone else's house or a relative he feels at home for 20 minutes in the company of on THEIR sofa not yours.
It is phobic anxiety not a "tantrum". He wants you to stop asking him to do thing that makes him anxious so he will get angry.
But I'm not a pyschologist as I said, and you need one, for him, preferably a CBT type intervention focused on solving problem of him not leaving house (to do sport, engage, socialise) and his anxiety around it.

Also second positive effects of meds for some teens reported anecdotally from other parents (although mine didn't have them)
Ds1 (not ASD but dyspraxic) had Vitamin D deficiency too, and was very overweight lethargic, irritable at the time...could this be a possibility that he needs a loading dose ?supplement of D3?

@JustCallMeBubblesDahling He wouldn’t take it. He already refuses his Methylphenidate and as he’s 17 we can’t make him take it.

He’s been discharged from OT now with comments of refused to engage.

No one can help someone who refuses to accept that help. It’s simply a case of managing it at this point.

Ds2 has exhibited symptoms alternately of agoraphobia, claustrophia, fear of flying, fear of touching wrong food, vertigo. It really doesn't matter how you classify these "fears"...it is all basically anxiety which is exacerbated by sensory overload, underload, proprioceptive dysfunction etc etc. We shouldn't bandy or define their mental states with words like agoraphobia or OCD around in relation to our children with autism, when we are not clinical pyschs, it really isn't appropriate. Yes, it feels like a tantrum and quacks like a tantrum but why does it help to classify it either way...
Why they are doing it and how to make it stop is the question.

Op, I'm not saying you should do this, and it may just be a bad day for you today. I know we are wanting our asd child in supported accommodation when he turns 18. When things calm down a bit at home, have a.good old Google and see what is available for more able kids

OTs are notorious for discharging anyone who hasn't got a broken leg. They are incredibly oversubscribed. Ds2 and Ds1 were discharged long before anything much improved. It gave me ideas but they had much more urgent cases to deal with. Just because an NHS OT discharges your son doesn't mean that's an end to seeking support and strategies.
Please don't give up, it will get better, it miraculous how things can change

If you can afford a private OT who is specifically trained in sensory integration you will likely get much more support. NHS OT’s very often are not geared up to address sensory needs IME

That sounds extremely hard, OP.
I have an older relative with autism and I don't have a clue how I'd cope if I had to look after them.
Alot of 'catch 21s' there.

What is the plan for when he turns 18? How old are your other children? If his strength is an issue, is he ever (accidentally or intentionally) too rough with you or them, as he is with the rest of the house?

I'm sure you know this, but life stuck at home with an older child who breaks everything is no life for them.

I hope that both you and they are able to access some respite for all of your sakes, and if you haven't already you should likely be looking into supported living for him, once he turns 18 you'll have even less control and ability to access help.

What about his education ATM? Is he planning anything for next year....presumably he has an EHCP...which runs till age 25 as long as he isn't at university, for education and training. Is he keen on anything that could be motivational...often a structured setting feels much less scary than leaving the house for no reason. Maybe September is already a source of tension for him..I know my ds2 used to worry very much as summer progressed, about next school term. .he would brood about wrongs done and who should apologise to him etc, long in advance. Summer was stressful for him because there was no structure and I kept taking him places without football or (Olympics)reception signal

He just wanted to know what was happening next and hated uncertainty. Now he is much more flexible and enjoying the holiday downtime after uni and meeting old friends, pottering etc.