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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to want to do anything for my 50th?

36 replies

Nearly50TotallyKnackered · 17/07/2021 18:53

I’m going to be 50 in a few weeks, as is DP. People keep asking me what I’m going to do to celebrate but the thought of trying to organise something just makes me want to cry and rock in a corner.

We have a 7-year-old DC with severe LDs, autism, ADHD and behavioural problems. They can’t tolerate crowds or other children and restaurants are a nightmare. We don’t have anyone who could look after them for a few hours. The only thing we could do is have a gathering at our house, which would mean lots of work and DP and I would end up just chasing DC around.

WIBU just to think ‘fuck it’ and pretend it’s not happening?

OP posts:
tartanblanketdog · 17/07/2021 18:54

I didn't do anything for mine and I requested no gifts.

Whaddayahear · 17/07/2021 18:56

YANBU. I had loads of hassle about not wanting to do anything for my 30th.

A couple of people hinted at surprise meals. I left the country in the end to avoid it. Grin

Original poster
Nearly50TotallyKnackered · 17/07/2021 18:56

What made you decide to do that, if you don’t mind me asking, @tartanblanketdog? Under different circumstances, I’d actually love to celebrate with friends and family.

OP posts:
TheLeadbetterLife · 17/07/2021 19:04

It’s my 40th in the autumn and I feel the same. I actually love giving parties, but not when they’re about me. I was planning to travel for a few weeks but I don’t want to book anything until the pandemic is over, so I’ll do it in a year or two. I’ll probably just have a nice meal with my partner.

tartanblanketdog · 17/07/2021 19:05

I just don't like birthdays and fuss.Under normal circumstances we might have had a weekend away, nice dinner somewhere. Generally don't like receiving gifts - I buy what I want and don't like other people choosing stuff for me, I have all that I need so it all seems a bit pointless when I have to pretend to be thrilled. Make me a cake, cook me dinner, buy me a coffee - no things though.

DappledThings · 17/07/2021 19:06

Of course it's fine. I don't celebrate my birthday at all. My 40th passed by 2 years ago with barely a ripple as I wanted.

It is entirely up to you and should be sod all to do with anyone else's expectations.

Original poster
Nearly50TotallyKnackered · 17/07/2021 19:06

I’m completely with you on the presents, @tartanblanketdog. I don’t need anything - except time.

OP posts:
SpongeBarb · 17/07/2021 19:09

No, YANBU at all. Some people like a big celebration and others don't. The former usually can't understand the latter!

tartanblanketdog · 17/07/2021 19:09

Even cards - everyone in the family makes me a card rather than buys one - very simple - no competitive artistry, that's not the point but usually lovely heartfelt words which make me cry with joy.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 17/07/2021 19:14

YANBU

I didn't want to do anything crazy special on my 40th.
littlest Zinglet was only a few weeks old, we had his Christening the next day so I couldn't have coped with 2 parties or going out.

We had PILs, my mum and BIL1 with his family coming to have cake & tea in the garden. I was actually in pain from gallstones so I didn't even get dressed just sat there in my jimjams & dressing gown.
they stayed for just over an hour. it was all I could tolerate and it was fine.

Happy Birthday whatever you do x

TipseyTorvey · 17/07/2021 19:17

I'm a few years off 50 but prior covid had been planning a big bash. The silver lining to lock downs and isolations made me realise that I really really enjoy calm and quiet. Like you OP I have an asd/adhd child and trying to balance me having a whirlwind with them being kept calm is never going to happen. My new 50th plan is a very calm (post covid) all inclusive week away with the family followed by a series of smaller meet ups with key friend groups through the year. Now very much looking forward to it!

Original poster
Nearly50TotallyKnackered · 17/07/2021 21:15

Thanks for the replies. It’s reassuring to hear that I’m NBU. It does feel as if I’d be doing it for everyone else, as I wouldn’t be able to relax and enjoy it.

OP posts:
ddl1 · 21/07/2021 11:22

YANBU! I may be biased because I hate age-milestone celebrations and refuse to let people know my birthday. But under the circumstances that you describe - when it would just cause enormous stress to you , rather than be a celebration- why on earth should anyone expect it of you?

JudgeJ · 21/07/2021 12:32

@tartanblanketdog

I didn't do anything for mine and I requested no gifts.
I don't recall ever doing anything for a birthday and I'm 73, we also did nothing for our 'big anniversaries', neither of us was keen on being the centre of any attention.
user1471538283 · 21/07/2021 17:53

You celebrate or not as you wish. It is your birthday.

I didn't want a party so we stayed in a lovely air b and b for a long weekend. Ate out loads and went sightseeing. The thought of a huge party with loads of people made me feel queasy. One of my friends on his 50th had a really long lie in and went to the pub in the evening. Another friend just had a meal out.

You could stay home and have a lovely takeaway or a dine in dinner after the DC are in bed.

BlibBlabBlob · 22/07/2021 13:34

Have a massive party, if you want to.
Have a small family gathering, if you want to.
Have no celebration at all, if you don't want to have one.
It's entirely up to you!

We're all different, some people thrive on massive celebratory parties for milestone birthdays and for some even the thought of it sounds exhausting and stressful.

Personally I refused to do anything for my 40th and was very happy with that. It was respected by friends and family.

Close friend turned 40 around the same time and arranged a massive party. Friend was very happy with that and lots of people attended and had a great night.

YANBU for doing exactly what you want (or don't want) to do for YOUR birthday! Those commenting on your lack of desire for a big bash would no doubt be even more offended if you insisted that you were having a Destination Birthday where all of your closest friends and family were expected to take time off work and spend a fortune flying overseas for a big party. At least this way it doesn't cost them anything! Smile

Holothane · 22/07/2021 13:35

I refused a theatre night out not interested I was happy with a meal out and my giant tv.

BarbaraofSeville · 22/07/2021 13:50

@Nearly50TotallyKnackered

I’m completely with you on the presents, *@tartanblanketdog*. I don’t need anything - except time.
You seem like an ideal candidate for the MN cliche of a spa day, providing you being away from your DC doesn't cause too much upset for him/her.
CoRhona · 22/07/2021 14:03

Mine's in a few months. Don't want anything, don't know if holidays will be ok (we're double jabbed but kids not).

Just C. B. A.

Porcupineintherough · 22/07/2021 14:10

YANBU but a good 50th birthday present for yourself might be to find someone who can regularly have your ds for a few hours. I appreciate it's not easy (not quite the same but I've just found someone to help out with my extremely difficult father which has taken months and many phone calls, meetings and rejections) but that is not the same as impossible- and the relief when you know there is a third safe pair of hands available is massive.

JaneJeffer · 22/07/2021 14:19

I didn't do anything for mine. I don't even remember it!

DinosaurDiana · 22/07/2021 14:21

Mine was in lockdown so I didn’t do anything, and I was glad of the excuse not to. I don’t want to be reminded that I’m getting older.
I don’t celebrate wedding anniversaries either.

smartiecake · 22/07/2021 14:26

No of course you are not unreasonable. I have a son with ASD and we are very limited in what we can do, where we can go etc. I am 50 next year and some of the things I want to do will be without DS as he can't tolerate those things.
Have you made a referral to your children with disabilities team at the council? You would probably qualify for direct payments and you could pay someone for respite care for a few hours.

Parky04 · 22/07/2021 14:26

It's my 50th in 3 weeks time and I'm doing absolutely nothing! Birthdays don't really mean much to me and being 50 is no big deal.

Ifyoudontlaughyouwillcry · 22/07/2021 15:03

I was 50 last year and had lots of things planned to do throughout the year. Well obviously EVERYTHING got cancelled. But actually there was a couple of things that people did for me that really meant so much. For example two sets of friends (separately) came to our back garden and they brought everything with them eg catering - that was their gift (think afternoon tea). All we had to do was make sure they had somewhere to sit and a clean loo! That way we were all relaxed - the kids could dip in and out.
In your circumstances perhaps a pretty but familiar walk (so as to manage any sensory issues your child has) and ask people to bring a picnic. Honestly if this last year has taught me anything it’s so really appreciate what we have on our doorstep. I know this is a personal one but for me my favourite gifts were things that really allowed me to relax:
one of my favourite gifts was a jigsaw (a hobby of mine) with a collection of favourite photos.
I got a kindle so perhaps people could collectively get you a years subscription for endless reading. So if people are really intent on give you a gift perhaps thing of something that you will enjoy and provide some ‘me time’ rather than jewellery/perfumes. Remember it’s YOUR birthday x