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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want her to be my friend anymore

47 replies

FrozenIce · 17/07/2021 16:42

I have a good friend that I have known for a few years. She went through a hard time with a break up about a year ago and was really down. I supported her through this, offered to meet up regularly to try perk her up which we did frequently, sat in the park together when we could during lockdown and she would open up to me, text her almost every day and listened to her struggles. I started getting health problems around this time and she told me to get in contact with her if I ever need help with anything. A few months later she seemed to started feeling better about everything, and we've kept messaging quite frequently but the phonecalls and the meeting up has more or less stopped. She's been seemingly ok for the past 6 months ish.

My general health has declined further and I've been under investigation for it for a number of months. They're not sure what is going on, but are thinking maybe something autoimmune. It's been quite a hard thing for me to deal with, and I tried to confide in my friend and she's having none of it. Infact, I opened up via text just over a month ago about how hard this has all been for me and how I'm struggling and asked if we can meet up or jump on a call. She kept saying she's busy, and a few days later we had a bit of an disagreement about it, where she was saying she's got a lot on and it's unfair that I'm offloading on to her when she doesn't have the headspace to deal with it. I explained I was just hoping for a phone call and she said she will call me when she has time.

Well, it's a month later, and not only has she not called, the texts have gone from multiple times a week to once a week or two. I've concluded she's probably distancing herself from me. I asked her if she's doing ok and she said she's fine.

I can't help but feel seriously hurt by all this and a bit of an idiot. I feel like I've been taken advantage of and given her all the support though her struggles and she's not willing to support me in the slightest when I've been going through hard times. She's told me it's unfair that I expect her to be there for me when she's got her own things going on (I don't know what these things are, I assumed if she wanted to tell me she would, but she hasn't gone into any detail)

My gut is telling me to end the friendship. The complete lack of support from her has added more upset to an already upsetting situation. I want to tell her how much shes let me down and ask her not to message me again. The most frustrating thing is I feel like she wouldn't really give a crap and I'll be the one sat here grieving the end of a friendship as I'm the one at the moment who could really do with the support.

I do wonder if I'm being unreasonable and it isn't her job to support me and maybe I'm being too sensitive about this. I also wonder whether she's going through something very difficult too like she's alluded to but hasn't told me the details. I don't expect her to share everything but I'm finding it hard to sympathise when I have zero idea what's going on if there is something wrong. At the moment it feels like she's making excuses to not have to deal with me.

AIBU if I formally end the friendship?

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 17/07/2021 16:45

She's been honest and told you what she can manage. For whatever reason she's unable to support you right now. Up to you whether you still want to be friends but you can't change her.

Couchpotato3 · 17/07/2021 16:49

Yes, in your shoes I think I would be tempted to send one last message and 'have your say'. Something about how you supported her for many months and you are very disappointed that she isn't prepared to return the favour, and that you no longer consider her a friend.

Or, you could just ignore her, accept that she is a fair-weather friend and move on and not give her any more head-space. There is of course a possibility that she is genuinely struggling herself and has nothing left to give, but even so, you would think she could manage a phonecall just to let you know that, after all you did for her.

ThinWomansBrain · 17/07/2021 16:51

sounds that you invested a lot of time in supporting her when she needed it, but she isn't prepared/able to return the favour.
It doesn't sound a balanced friendship; in your position I'd leave it - if she drifts back next time she needs support or has a problem, be cautious about getting over-involved.
hope that you feel better soon.

QueenBee52 · 17/07/2021 21:13

what a selfish Cow she is ...

happy to take take take.....

I personally wouldn't bother sending an email, I would Block her on everything.. close that door firmly and focus on your own health 🌸

Eviethyme · 17/07/2021 21:15

You act like it's you breaking off the friendship but I think it's quite clear she's breaking it off.

She doesn't want to be friends and is trying to let you down slowly and unfairly so I would just ignore any texts that do come through and move on

GNCQ · 17/07/2021 21:18

It sounds a bit like a friendship version of "they're just not that into you"... So yanby.

sittingpondering · 17/07/2021 21:18

It sounds like time you take a step back from this friendship, I’d leave it there. Trust your gut on this one it’s there for a reason. I hope you start to feel better soon.

TreeSmuggler · 17/07/2021 21:38

My gut is telling me to end the friendship.

She has already ended it. I wouldn't send her any follow up texts or emails as she won't feel bad when she reads them, she will just be thinking "phew!".

Actupfishy · 17/07/2021 21:42

Drains and radiators OP, you sound like the latter xxx

StrangeToSee · 18/07/2021 05:40

She’s already broken it off. No need for you to text to confirm you realise this.

She sounds unpleasant, taking advantage of your kindness when she needed you then going off radar when you need her. Unless of course you’ve spent the last few phone calls talking and worrying about your health and possible diagnosis in which case I can understand why she doesn’t want to keep listening to you talk about your health.

QueenBee52 · 18/07/2021 05:46

Unless of course you’ve spent the last few phone calls talking and worrying about your health and possible diagnosis in which case I can understand why she doesn’t want to keep listening to you talk about your health.

Nasty

Wafflethefuckinwonderdog · 18/07/2021 05:46

What a selfish person. If she's struggling to let you in right now at least be gracious about it. I'd be sad but I'd have to bin her.

MiddleParking · 18/07/2021 05:55

The most frustrating thing is I feel like she wouldn't really give a crap and I'll be the one sat here grieving the end of a friendship as I'm the one at the moment who could really do with the support.

Yep, that’s what’ll happen, so I wouldn’t bother trying to ‘formally’ end the friendship (which she’s already informally done to the same effect). It doesn’t sound like much of a loss anyway, friendships are supposed to be a net positive for your life and this one sounds nothing but bloody hard work.

girlmom21 · 18/07/2021 06:06

I wouldn't bother 'formally' ending it. Just don't text her anymore.

WhoDidAndWhy · 18/07/2021 07:10

She’s a bitch. Ignore her and if she contacts you, respond and tell her that after so many months/years of devoting considerable time to supporting her, you’ve heard her when she’s told you she doesn’t have time for you, and so you’re moving on. Then block.

Grieve and move on OP. You’re worth more.

thecatsabsentcojones · 18/07/2021 07:16

She sounds like an absolute drain. Wants support from you when she needs it but disappears when you need a bit of help. She will be no great loss to you. Some people expect it all to be about them. Any friend worth their salt would be stepping up.

So sod her...

ColourMeExhausted · 18/07/2021 07:25

That's not very nice @StrangeToSee! Did you not read about how the OP supported her friend during her break up, sure the friend wasn't the easiest person to be around at that time but OP didn't let it bother her...because that's what good friends do!

OP I'm really sorry. You've got enough going on as it is, grieving a friendship will only be making it harder. I'd agree you need to walk away...but I also feel that she shouldn't 'get away' with it. I'd send her a dignified but factual message stating why you believe this friendship is no longer working and reminding her of the support you gave her. Take back some control, she needs to hear this so she can reassess her own behaviour.

And I hope your health improves and you have other good friends to support you Flowers

PersonaNonGarter · 18/07/2021 07:35

Walk away - do not send a ‘last word’ type message.

Either of you may want to rekindle the friendship in the future or at least not be awkward if you run into each other. ‘Formally ending’ or ‘not letting them get away with it’ could seem priggish and/or bitter.

Much better just to put it on ice and be the bigger person.

SinkGirl · 18/07/2021 07:39

Hate to say it OP but this is pretty standard for those of us with chronic health issues. A lot of people really don’t want to hear about it, even if you’ve bent over backwards to help them in the past. However, from my experience, do expect her to pop back up when she needs something.

grapewine · 18/07/2021 07:44

@SinkGirl

Hate to say it OP but this is pretty standard for those of us with chronic health issues. A lot of people really don’t want to hear about it, even if you’ve bent over backwards to help them in the past. However, from my experience, do expect her to pop back up when she needs something.
This is unfortunately my experience as well. It's a difficult realisation.

Just don't text her anymore. She's not a friend.

blubberball · 18/07/2021 07:55

I've had friends like this. Still do actually. I know the score, and know that they only pop up when they need me for something. I don't expect anything from them.

Summerbreeze4 · 18/07/2021 07:58

Just tell her how you feel and how you supported her and that’s she’s not doing the same. Not sure si have actually tell her not to contact you but in your head I would unfriend her and definitely but yourself off from her, you don’t need people like that in your life who hurt you like this.

I can’t imagine nit contacting a friend in a month who has reached out to me.

RubyGoat · 18/07/2021 08:03

@SinkGirl

Hate to say it OP but this is pretty standard for those of us with chronic health issues. A lot of people really don’t want to hear about it, even if you’ve bent over backwards to help them in the past. However, from my experience, do expect her to pop back up when she needs something.
Completely agree. At which point you can tell her to shove it.
WildfirePonie · 18/07/2021 08:04

Forget her.

When/if she needs you again for her problems, tell her it's unfair to offload and take up your headspace. Then block her.

Bridezillamaybe · 18/07/2021 08:22

@SinkGirl

Hate to say it OP but this is pretty standard for those of us with chronic health issues. A lot of people really don’t want to hear about it, even if you’ve bent over backwards to help them in the past. However, from my experience, do expect her to pop back up when she needs something.
Yep I agree. Well not a lot imo but I certainly had one, she called me her best friend despite me only knowing her a couple of years.

She was take, take, take - middle of the night calls over her heartbreak, free tuition for our degree course, loans or just straightforward dodging payment.

Maybe people would call me a fool for putting up with it but the truth was I had it to give; I had a well paying job while studying and not many overheads, helping her with course material helped me too, I didn't mind chatting late at night. I also took it as a given that if I was in need she'd be there for me. I've got very good longterm friendships elsewhere in my life and we've all been there for each other over the years.

I was wrong! Cancer came to my life and she was gone.

For the first time in my life I pressed block and delete on every mode of contact and I didn't look back.