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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want her to be my friend anymore

47 replies

FrozenIce · 17/07/2021 16:42

I have a good friend that I have known for a few years. She went through a hard time with a break up about a year ago and was really down. I supported her through this, offered to meet up regularly to try perk her up which we did frequently, sat in the park together when we could during lockdown and she would open up to me, text her almost every day and listened to her struggles. I started getting health problems around this time and she told me to get in contact with her if I ever need help with anything. A few months later she seemed to started feeling better about everything, and we've kept messaging quite frequently but the phonecalls and the meeting up has more or less stopped. She's been seemingly ok for the past 6 months ish.

My general health has declined further and I've been under investigation for it for a number of months. They're not sure what is going on, but are thinking maybe something autoimmune. It's been quite a hard thing for me to deal with, and I tried to confide in my friend and she's having none of it. Infact, I opened up via text just over a month ago about how hard this has all been for me and how I'm struggling and asked if we can meet up or jump on a call. She kept saying she's busy, and a few days later we had a bit of an disagreement about it, where she was saying she's got a lot on and it's unfair that I'm offloading on to her when she doesn't have the headspace to deal with it. I explained I was just hoping for a phone call and she said she will call me when she has time.

Well, it's a month later, and not only has she not called, the texts have gone from multiple times a week to once a week or two. I've concluded she's probably distancing herself from me. I asked her if she's doing ok and she said she's fine.

I can't help but feel seriously hurt by all this and a bit of an idiot. I feel like I've been taken advantage of and given her all the support though her struggles and she's not willing to support me in the slightest when I've been going through hard times. She's told me it's unfair that I expect her to be there for me when she's got her own things going on (I don't know what these things are, I assumed if she wanted to tell me she would, but she hasn't gone into any detail)

My gut is telling me to end the friendship. The complete lack of support from her has added more upset to an already upsetting situation. I want to tell her how much shes let me down and ask her not to message me again. The most frustrating thing is I feel like she wouldn't really give a crap and I'll be the one sat here grieving the end of a friendship as I'm the one at the moment who could really do with the support.

I do wonder if I'm being unreasonable and it isn't her job to support me and maybe I'm being too sensitive about this. I also wonder whether she's going through something very difficult too like she's alluded to but hasn't told me the details. I don't expect her to share everything but I'm finding it hard to sympathise when I have zero idea what's going on if there is something wrong. At the moment it feels like she's making excuses to not have to deal with me.

AIBU if I formally end the friendship?

OP posts:
Ivysaurusrex · 18/07/2021 08:29

@SinkGirl

Hate to say it OP but this is pretty standard for those of us with chronic health issues. A lot of people really don’t want to hear about it, even if you’ve bent over backwards to help them in the past. However, from my experience, do expect her to pop back up when she needs something.
This 100% .
FrozenIce · 18/07/2021 08:44

It's sad to hear these experiences with friendships and chronic health. What do you do in these circumstances where the friend is no where to be seen when you need support? Do you accept their friendship for what it is? Or do you block them and never look back? I feel like if I did this to everyone who didn't seem to give a crap about my illness that I'd have no one left to talk to Sad

OP posts:
maddening · 18/07/2021 08:45

End it, and ensure that you include the amount of support she got to highlight the stark difference.

Crazysheep · 18/07/2021 08:46

I am going to add a different perspective OP. I have a very close friend. Iv helped her through some awful times and her me. Recently iv been having a really tough time myself. She is aware of some of it however only my DH knew the full extent as I was feeling totally overwhelmed and had threatened to take my life. She text me during this time telling me how much she was struggling and I just couldn't help her. I couldn't add her problems to my own as I really didn't have the headspace to help her. This hasn't affected our friendship as we discussed it later and I apologised and she completely understood.

StrangeToSee · 18/07/2021 08:48

Nasty

Not nasty, just a common reaction from friends when one wants to talk about their illness constantly and the illness becomes the focus of every conversation. I’m not saying OP is doing this.

I’ve had to back off from a friendship because friend wanted to talk constantly about their health issues, wanted me to listen for hours at a time when I had my own things going on. Previously we’d had a mutually supportive friendship and helped each offer through hard times. Then suddenly it was like she didn’t care about me anymore just wanted to talk about her health issues. It became draining.

StrangeToSee · 18/07/2021 08:54

What do you do in these circumstances where the friend is no where to be seen when you need support? Do you accept their friendship for what it is? Or do you block them and never look back? I feel like if I did this to everyone who didn't seem to give a crap about my illness that I'd have no one left to talk to

I think it’s best to accept they can’t offer support at this time (for reasons unknown) or help with this particular problem. I wouldn’t block them. I’d try to avoid mentioning my health when with them (I have chronic health conditions so do understand). Focus on mutual hobbies or interests.

Forums or FB groups relating to your specific condition may offer more support and an outlet for when you need to talk. They can be a good way of meeting people in your local area with the condition too.

FlowerArranger · 18/07/2021 09:05

Sorry, @Frozenice.... I voted YABU because there is nothing to end.

Your 'friend' is associating you with a bad period of her life. So she has been withdrawing for a while now. It's shit, but all too common, unfortunately. Flowers

PrettyLittleFlies · 18/07/2021 09:21

Don't formally end it, just back away. She isn't much of a friend and it's horrible for you to learn this when you're struggling but honestly, let her go and leave the space for a better friend. Sometimes we waste too much energy on people who are just not worth it.

Value yourself more by focusing on self care and gradually the right people will come into your life.

JustATypo · 18/07/2021 09:25

@RedHelenB

She's been honest and told you what she can manage. For whatever reason she's unable to support you right now. Up to you whether you still want to be friends but you can't change her.
Absolutely true. Friendships also aren’t about keeping score, if your friend isn’t up to this then she’s not up to it.
DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 18/07/2021 09:27

I had a friend who did something almost identical to me.
I was there for her during struggles, as soon as she was back on my feet and health issues exploded my world (it was my baby's health not mine) and our lives were in tatters, she didn't want to know.
It was years until I could face her again, now I only see her about once a year when we are in the mutual friend group and we laugh and chat like it never happened but it's never far from my mind.

DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 18/07/2021 09:29

Friendships also aren’t about keeping score, if your friend isn’t up to this then she’s not up to it.

Being there for a friend is absolutely nothing to do with keeping score.
What an infantile comment.

Notaroadrunner · 18/07/2021 09:33

@TreeSmuggler

My gut is telling me to end the friendship.

She has already ended it. I wouldn't send her any follow up texts or emails as she won't feel bad when she reads them, she will just be thinking "phew!".

Sadly this seems to be the case. She's phasing you out already. You're as well to just stop all contact and retain your self respect by not contacting her again. Hopefully you have other friends who are more appreciative of you and your time Flowers
JustATypo · 18/07/2021 09:38

@DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou

Friendships also aren’t about keeping score, if your friend isn’t up to this then she’s not up to it.

Being there for a friend is absolutely nothing to do with keeping score.
What an infantile comment.

🙄🙄🙄😂😂😂
Birminghambloke · 18/07/2021 10:20

@Eviethyme

You act like it's you breaking off the friendship but I think it's quite clear she's breaking it off.

She doesn't want to be friends and is trying to let you down slowly and unfairly so I would just ignore any texts that do come through and move on

I think it’s this. Part of her moving on with life is to think about what she doesn’t want in the future- and though you’ve been lovely to her, she’s placing you in the past. Or like PPs have said she’s making her capacity clear. Either way, her actions and intention are clear. I think just go NC with her. No need to say anything. It might be you drift together again.
Chloemol · 18/07/2021 10:35

She is not a friend. Personally I would text her, remind her of the support you gave her, despite your own issues, that you are sad she can’t do the same for you now you need support, and it shows that actually she is not the friend you thought she was and therefore you are ending the friendship. I would finish I hope that no one treats you in the future the way you have treated me in my hour of need

Gemma2019 · 18/07/2021 10:57

Unfortunately people who need the high level of support and attention your friend did following a break up are unlikely to be the type of people who are able to reciprocate in their friends' time of need.

It might be because she's a nasty and selfish person, it might be because she is still struggling mentally herself and doesn't have the headspace to take on someone else's issues or it could be any number of other reasons.

TreeSmuggler · 18/07/2021 15:50

What do you do in these circumstances where the friend is no where to be seen when you need support? Do you accept their friendship for what it is? Or do you block them and never look back?

It really depends on the behaviour. If I still enjoyed our friendship, limited though it may be, I'd accept it for what it is. Friendships ebb and flow, and less close friends and acquaintances can still add enjoyment to your life.

However if they are being outright rude and clearly are trying to get away from me, I'd let it go. No other option really, it's a friendship, not a hostage situation.

Dontbeme · 18/07/2021 16:13

@FlowerArranger

Sorry, *@Frozenice*.... I voted YABU because there is nothing to end.

Your 'friend' is associating you with a bad period of her life. So she has been withdrawing for a while now. It's shit, but all too common, unfortunately. Flowers

Yes I had this, supported a friend through a very tough time, went with them to medical appointments, financial help and any support she needed. When life got better for her I was binned as I "reminded her of the bad times and she wanted good times now". She popped up a year later when her relationship was failing and she needed support, I said I was sorry to hear that and I hoped life improved soon for her. She lost her shit and started spouting off about all she did for me, I asked her to name the things she did for me, she couldn't name one thing. Last I heard she had ran through most of her friends with the same behaviour.
melj1213 · 18/07/2021 16:56

@Crazysheep

I am going to add a different perspective OP. I have a very close friend. Iv helped her through some awful times and her me. Recently iv been having a really tough time myself. She is aware of some of it however only my DH knew the full extent as I was feeling totally overwhelmed and had threatened to take my life. She text me during this time telling me how much she was struggling and I just couldn't help her. I couldn't add her problems to my own as I really didn't have the headspace to help her. This hasn't affected our friendship as we discussed it later and I apologised and she completely understood.
I agree with this - you can't pour from an empty jug and just because the OP had the ability/resources to support her friend a year ago doesn't mean they have the same ability to support the OP right now.

The last year has been massively draining and stressful for a lot of people, if your friend has been distancing herself (reducing contact/keeping it to text rather than phone or in person etc) then possibly she has more stressors than she has shared, or she now has more responsibility (with work or family) and is now struggling to balance everything and dealing with your issues is something she has run out of spoons for.

I have anxiety, have done since I was a teenager and I have been on the same dose of my medication for the last about 6/7 years. Over the course of the last year I have gone from 50mg a day to 200mg a day because daily life has just got too much. I could not cope with dealing with anyone else's problems, despite the fact I always want to support my friends I just can't manage it right now.

Youdiditanyway · 18/07/2021 17:00

You don’t need to ‘formally end a friendship’, just stop texting her. It doesn’t need to be dramatic at all, you’re both adults and the friendship isn’t working for you anymore so stop talking to her. Sorted.

Chachachawoo · 18/07/2021 22:27

@WildfirePonie

Forget her.

When/if she needs you again for her problems, tell her it's unfair to offload and take up your headspace. Then block her.

Totally agree with this. Just stop responding and don't contact her. Sorry you have been used. It may not have been spiteful or intentional but you don't need to keep going with the friendship
thepeopleversuswork · 18/07/2021 22:33

@Couchpotato3

Yes, in your shoes I think I would be tempted to send one last message and 'have your say'. Something about how you supported her for many months and you are very disappointed that she isn't prepared to return the favour, and that you no longer consider her a friend.

Or, you could just ignore her, accept that she is a fair-weather friend and move on and not give her any more head-space. There is of course a possibility that she is genuinely struggling herself and has nothing left to give, but even so, you would think she could manage a phonecall just to let you know that, after all you did for her.

I wouldn't do this. It's always very tempting to "get it off your chest" but it serves no practical purpose. The reality is people will either find time for you or they won't, but guilt won't change that.

Its hard to know from your post whether she is a fairweather friend who just can't be arsed or if you've been a bit needy and she feels a bit drained by it.

In either case, there's nothing to be gained by putting her under pressure to tell you what she's thinking: in a best case scenario she's genuinely very busy and stressed and can't do anything about it, in a worst case scenario she's withdrawing from you and won't want to be put on the spot about it.

I'm a very firm believer in the "if you love someone, set them free" approach. Let people come to you if they want to, if they don't, don't chase them. Some friendships need a bit of space at times. If they are meant to be they can be picked up.

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