Difficult 7 year old daughter

[Changedna124]

I’m really struggling. Just for context I’m not at a good place in life. Don’t want to go into detail as thread will become about me rather than the problem I’m posting about.

Thing is I could be really happy and overlook all areas of my life that are not do good if my relationship with my daughter was better. I’m worried how I’m going to cope with 6 weeks of holidays. She has a brother whose 3 and he’s a totally different child. He’s loving, caring and a gentle soul. She beats him up but he still goes up to her and cuddles her. He’s my whole world. It’s definitely not jealousy as she has been this way even when she was an only child.

I feel really upset at her outbursts. I do so much for her much more than I do for her brother but she’s still difficult all the time. I e tried to give her everything I never had but she’s never happy abs still hates me.

I had a difficult childhood with an unloving mother who never gave a crap about me and didn’t even remember it was my birthday some years when I was still a child! I feel upset that I give my daughter so much love and care snd I tell her everyday I love her abs cuddle her but she just hates me. She’s making life quite difficult at the moment.

I’m really struggling. Just for context I’m not at a good place in life. Don’t want to go into detail as thread will become about me rather than the problem I’m posting about.

The two things are probably linked, even if you can't see it

It sounds like your own relationship with you mum was horrific as a child.

Could there be some level of projection? Even subconsciously?

What does she do to make you think she hates you?
You mention your son is your whole world, it would seem you must favour him to a certain extent, you are probably different when speaking to him, maybe sound more loving and dd has picked up on that.
Are you getting fed up, frustrated very quickly when speaking to dd?

I’m not getting what I needed. It’s making me feel worse. I love my child I just need to not get upset when she says she hates me. MN please delete this thread.

They may well be connected whether you like it or not, you cannot just dismiss it OP. Kids pick up on everything.
My mother was depressed, mentally ill and not in a good place for the whole of my childhood.
It did affect me very deeply and I am not able to have a relationship with her now at all.
The best thing to do is to see your doctor and take those first steps to getting it sorted whether by medication, therapy or whatever. These problems do not resolve themselves. I should know.

I think a qualified therapist would be better placed to help OP, it sounds complex and we don't understand the full story.

@mashawithbear thank you mash’s for trying to help rather than upset me. I’ve asked mumsnet to close thread but before they do I hope you can help.

E.g. yesterday we had a pamper day and we had a lovely morning as no school so I set out a pamper day for her and me. It was nice until she decided she wanted to do a tattoo in nail varnish on her brothers face. I said no. She had a tantrum I said here’s eyeshadow u can do tattoo and she thread the palette at my face. She then told ne she hates me. My 3 year old getting distressed at her screaming again. I just broke down and cried. She continued and my boy comes up to me very gently stroking my face and says “you ok”,

*threw

If you want some more helpful advice then I think you’re going to have to give more information.
Can you give more detailed examples of behaviours that are causing the problems? What is she actually doing? How is she reacting? What triggers her behaviours? How is she at school or with other people?
What have you tried already?

That sounds really difficult and upsetting OP. Have you got any support around you? I wonder if a parenting group may be helpful for learning new strategies in a supportive environment. Perhaps visit your gp or speak to your local Early Help department? In the meantime perhaps a book like ‘how to talk so kids will listen..’ or ‘the whole brain child’ may give you a framework for understanding and responding to her in a calm, consistent way.

If she says she hates you, to be honest, that probably means she feels very secure with you. Children tend to lash out at the people they are closest to. It sounds as though both you and she are quite unhappy, but I actually wouldn’t read very much into her saying stuff like that. I have a 6 year old who has been known to say the most awful things to me and DH when he’s in a snit, but I know he loves us and he knows we love him.

How old is she OP?

I’m not trying to gloss over your difficulties, by the way. I think others make some good points about seeing how she is with other people, as well as seeing what you can do to help yourself (putting your own oxygen mask on before helping others, if you will).

If she generally has issues with managing her emotions, whatever the reason for that, I have found the book The Explosive Child to be really helpful. It focuses on “lagging skills” (eg your child struggles with transitions) and makes suggestions about how you can help your child find life easier, so to speak.

MN please don’t delete thread. I feel I’m getting the support I came on for now!

At school I’ve asked the teacher and she said “she’s a little princess”. Also “really popular”The other kids are always surrounding her. They laugh when I told them how she is at home and said shes a typical girl.

My sisters have only boys and they can’t help but my cousin made an awful comment that thst is what girls are like. She said we’re all the same and little girls are like us all moody and hormonal

Aww OP. She doesn’t hate you. It sounds like she has some difficultly along with her emotions, and she lashes out at you because she feels safe to do so.

What’s she like at school? Do they have any concerns about her behaviour?

There are a couple of books I would recommend. One is ‘unconditiobal parenting’ by Alfie kohn and the other is ‘how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk’. Both are helpful when it comes to children who leap quickly into defiance.

I think this is especially hard for you because of your own upbringing; it sounds like your daughter’s behaviour is especially triggering to you because it reminds you that in your own childhood you weren’t given the support and attention and love that she gives you. Have you ever had any kind of talking therapy or counselling about your childhood? It might be worth looking into, because if you can resolve your feelings about that it might put you in a better headspace for dealing with your daughter when she’s having a tricky moment.

She can control her emotions I think it’s just she wants what she wants and if she doesn’t get it throws a fit. She’s not so much like this at school as she wouldn’t get away with it.

That should say ‘coping with her emotions’ in the first para

because it reminds you that in your own childhood you weren’t given the support and attention and love that she gives you.

And this should be ‘that you give her’ - sorry for all the mistakes!!

Op I just want to give you a huge huge hug ❤️❤️

In my experience, she is acting like this because she is insecure.

She needs to know you still love her even at her worst.

Deep down she wants you and her to have the type of relationship that you and your DS have, but she doesn't know how to make that happen any more than you do.

How much time do you spend together alone? Can you spend a special half an hour together every day once DS is in bed?

Can she help you with things like putting cooking/baking as she is older? She needs to feel special to you and being the older one could be a way to do that. Don't just tell her you love her, she needs to really feel it consistently over many months in order to trust you. Good luck

She doesn’t hate you @Changedna124. She really doesn’t. It’s hard when you’ve had a cold childhood and you try to give your children what you didn’t have, and they seem to throw it back in your face. I understand. But your dd knows nothing if your life or your pain. When she challenged you, it's not because she hates you but because she’s overwhelmed by her own feelings. Try and feel safe in yourself. You are trying your best and doing a good job, a pamper day is a lovely idea. Trust yourself, so that you can give her that support, and keep talking to her.
Courage