Difficult 7 year old daughter

[Changedna124]

I’m really struggling. Just for context I’m not at a good place in life. Don’t want to go into detail as thread will become about me rather than the problem I’m posting about.

Thing is I could be really happy and overlook all areas of my life that are not do good if my relationship with my daughter was better. I’m worried how I’m going to cope with 6 weeks of holidays. She has a brother whose 3 and he’s a totally different child. He’s loving, caring and a gentle soul. She beats him up but he still goes up to her and cuddles her. He’s my whole world. It’s definitely not jealousy as she has been this way even when she was an only child.

I feel really upset at her outbursts. I do so much for her much more than I do for her brother but she’s still difficult all the time. I e tried to give her everything I never had but she’s never happy abs still hates me.

I had a difficult childhood with an unloving mother who never gave a crap about me and didn’t even remember it was my birthday some years when I was still a child! I feel upset that I give my daughter so much love and care snd I tell her everyday I love her abs cuddle her but she just hates me. She’s making life quite difficult at the moment.

She sounds similar to my ds. The nail varnish thing is the kind of thing he’d do and have a tantrum over and same with the school saying how lovely and polite and popular he is.

He’s been diagnosed with ADHD and sensory processing issues (one paed thought ASD but others and I disagree). It’s beginning to manifest a bit at school (year 3 as he’s summer born) but only recently.

@Changedna124 AIBU board can be a very nasty place, my advice would be to get this moved to parenting or relationships which are much more supportive.

The positive thing I can say is that children who behave incredibly well in school and then act quite horribly at home do so because they know your love for them is unconditional, you are her Mother. However, her saying nasty things such as I hate you is unacceptable. Maybe ask her what would happen to her in school if she said that to a teacher? Or to a friend? Ask her how would she feel if one of her friends said that to her. Get her to think about her words.

This is basically a tall tantrum, it is the same thing toddlers do when they do not get their own way. Maybe also comment that you were having such a lovely time with her, not then followed by until you said those things, just comment on the lovely time and tell her you would like to do it again in the future.

Are you single parent?

Try reading “the explosive child”. That helped me. “I hate you” , “worst day ever” and “there’s no point being alive” are common here.

Oh and I had a great childhood and he’s an only child so unrelated to those points.

Not saying your daughter has ADHD but it’s something to consider. Sending love as it’s really hard

Thank you everyone so much. I will take in board the suggestions and definitely try them. I’ll order the books too. I’m taking kids to park now so sorry won’t be able to read any comments till tonight.

Thank you so much

Oh gosh, wondered why you hadn’t responded then have just noticed her age on your actual title. No wonder you didn’t respond OP

Kids have their own personalities- this is hers. The advantages are that clearly she has charisma and engages people. The downsides are the nastiness you are describing. Ultimately though she will grow up and be able to rein in the worse aspects somewhat. Think long-term. You need one-on-one time as much as you can with your son- he needs rewarding for his patience.

Have a look with clearer eyes though when you can and think if anything is making her behave like this. She seems a little old to be still tantrumming. I am wondering if she has underlying conditions impacting on her behaviour. It took a long while to realise and acknowledge myself that my daughter had some conditions then a great deal longer for the ‘experts’ to see her and diagnose her. We are still going through the process now for some things. You see her more than anyone- that’s why you are her punchbag.

Take no notice of people on here- they might not even have children or be the worst parent in the world. They might be amazing - who knows? But all I will say is keep your patience, keep going and start thinking of she’s just tricky sometimes or if something else is underpinning this behaviour.

Even the best child with the best relationship says stuff like that sometimes.
My daughter told me yesterday that she was never going to forgive me for making her go to the dentist! I find it hurtful sometimes but I know it’s done to get a reaction from me so I ignore!
Other people have given good advice.
The only other thing I’d say is that you are obviously aware that your relationship with her isn’t as naturally as easy as the one with your son. Your struggles can be transmitted to her without you realising. You obviously love her but It’s important that you continue to make sure that she is secure in that even when you fall out. Because you will!! Some children are sent to test us! My youngest is much harder work than my eldest so I have to be careful that I don’t favour one or over pacify the other.

bookmarking

I am so sorry. I understand completely what it is like to have a child say hurtful things to you and to have the logical side of your brain know that they are just a child, but the other part of your brain to feel very very hurt.

My daughter has done this to me a few times and has had frequent outbursts. I found two things to work very very well - TELL her that saying hurtful things like that you hurts your feeling, isn’t nice and isn’t acceptable. She might feel angry and upset but to name call isn’t acceptable to anyone, particularly her parent. And also - try not to react. She is a child and doesn’t understand your tears and emotional reaction in the same way an adult would. She will become immune to this, as well. You aren’t really teaching her anything by crying. If you need to cry - and I understand that very well - go into the bathroom and lock the door and let it out. Then come back calmly and FIRMLY (without shouting) tell her that you will no longer accept her saying that to you. A punishment by in order. ( limited TV time, etc). Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.

It is very hard when we feel like we are giving EVERYTHING to our child that we didn’t get in our own childhood from our mother and they don’t appreciate it. But this is all they know.

Also, try and have as many positive interactions - like you seem to be doing - as possible. Build up the bank of positive fun mommy daughter things and I bet you will quickly see the negative stuff recede.

Good luck, hang in there.

@Changedna124 I'm not very good at getting things across in writing, but I just want to tell you you're not alone. My ds is nearly 10 now, but until a couple of years ago we had a very difficult relationship. Partly because he is neurodiverse, but also because of attachment issues. My youngest also felt much easier to bond with when she came along and the guilt I felt was awful - and no doubt affected the relationship with ds.

Ds first said he hated me when he was 5yo. I remember thinking I thought I'd have a few more years before that, but hey ho. I disagree with a pp, kids need to know that they can express this kind of thing and we will still love them. They're kids. Nowadays ds still comes out with it every now and then, but usually follows it up with, I don't mean it mummy.

So what helped? Me having therapy, ds having play therapy, getting divorced, and quite honestly? Only having him 50% of the time once exh and I separated. Which probably sounds awful, and obviously isn't an option I'd recommend! But it saved our relationship I think as it gave us both space. I'd highly recommend getting your own issues addressed as kids are little sponges and are particularly attuned to the wellbeing of their caregivers.

You're doing your best, and that's what matters. I recommend www.ahaparenting.com for a lovely empathic but boundaried approach. I've learnt with ds that he can't cope with too much positive attention - if we have special time for example, he'll sabotage it because the pressure is too much. With your dd, just let her come to you and let her know that you love her no matter what. I also apologise to my dc when I've behaved badly. It's the hardest thing in the world, parenting

I had that kid that was an angel at school and with everyone else but was absolutely AWFUL to me.

Turned out there were a few things at play. One (and I know you do t want to hear this) was my own state of mind. I thought I was hiding everything but once my situation improved, so did she and her behaviour.

Two, she was masking at school and with others (adhd) and when she was with me she felt comfortable so it all came out.

Neither of those things may apply in your position but I wanted to share because I know exactly how you are feeling.

One thing that helped us was "love bombing" if you can get someone to mind your DS I'd definitely give it a go. I bought a book on it but there's loads of info online too. Doing this every couple of months would "reset" my Dd's behaviour for a good week or so.

She's grown up now and has her issues but we have a relationship I never ever thought would be possible back then

[quote Changedna124]@mashawithbear thank you mash’s for trying to help rather than upset me. I’ve asked mumsnet to close thread but before they do I hope you can help.

E.g. yesterday we had a pamper day and we had a lovely morning as no school so I set out a pamper day for her and me. It was nice until she decided she wanted to do a tattoo in nail varnish on her brothers face. I said no. She had a tantrum I said here’s eyeshadow u can do tattoo and she thread the palette at my face. She then told ne she hates me. My 3 year old getting distressed at her screaming again. I just broke down and cried. She continued and my boy comes up to me very gently stroking my face and says “you ok”,[/quote]
I think there’s a lot more going on here, without the full story it’s difficult.

In all honesty it sounds like neither of you can control your emotions, but she is a child. It’s ok that kids blow up, they have big emotions when they are little but if your response is to cry (likely because of you not being in a good place right now) then you are having a big emotional reaction to hers so it’s counter productive.

You absolutely need to get professional help for yourself, so you can help yourself to help your daughter.

And to add, I do tell ds that his words hurt and not to say things if he doesn't mean them.

@Changedna124 - I had a horrible relationship with my mother. She loathed me and adored my brother. I couldn’t do anything right, and no matter how hard I tried, I was never good enough. The difference between my mum and you is that you WANT to have a good relationship with your daughter. In my mind, this makes you an amazing mother!!! It sounds like she might be blaming you for something and feeling unable to verbalize it. Perhaps school is her “safe place” where she feels normal, and home simply doesn’t feel normal anymore. Is there any way you could get some age-appropriate counselling for her or even with her through your GP? (I don’t think that school is going to come to the party.) You don’t want this festering until she’s an aggressive teenager.

*Also, kids tend to lash out at the person they know is NOT going to go away. It absolutely sucks, but this kid is totally looking for security from you. (Has Dad/Other Carer Adult recently left the picture?)

Some more excellent reading:

1 2 3 Magic for managing the outbursts
How to talk so kids can listen as well for behaviour strategies
Self-compassion for parents by Susan Pollak for your own feelings

How are you feeling today @Changedna124?

My DD regularly hates me. I am the worst mum in the whole world. At least for that 5 minutes. I don’t react negatively ro the words. I know she loves me. If she was throwing a tantrum as you describe over an activity at home I’d calmly pack it away and ask her to let me when she calms down and we’ll do something else. When she’s feeling better I’ll give her a cuddle and we’ll move on. No need for yelling. The activity and attention was removed when her behaviour was bad.

If we are out we go home. One warning is all she gets and if she plays up after that we leave. Only did it once or twice and she’s learned not push that button.

My DD is NT and all these strategies worked great. My niece has ADHD, ASD and other issues. The same strategies do not work. You need to find the right path for your daughter but rest assured she does NOT hate you!