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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend and money

59 replies

Jennybeans401 · 16/07/2021 22:17

I had lunch recently with my friend. Years ago we were both SAHMs and a few years ago I went back to work due to me and dh separating. I started a business using my qualifications from years ago and it's doing pretty well.

My friend is still a SAHM and has said a few snidey remarks in the past about my job. I've shrugged them off and tried to not let it bother me. Just recently at lunch she asked me how much money I was making every month, I gave an approximate. She then said, 'we'll my dh gives me £800 a month to spend'.

AIBU to think she's being a bit weird here? I'm happy for her that she's enjoyher life but it felt like she was rubbing it in that she doesn't need to work.

OP posts:
Botanica · 16/07/2021 23:14

Unless you are a rep for an MLM business and plastering fake memes about how good your life is now that you're running your own business all over social media and at every opportunity in conversation, then she is the one being unreasonable.

Original poster
Jennybeans401 · 16/07/2021 23:15

You're all right, I think I have an attachment because of our kids who get on so well. We've had good times in the past.

Those times have gone though, she's changed and I don't see a way back.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jennybeans401 · 16/07/2021 23:17

Botanica no lol I don't run an mlm or anything related to those things.

I'm a freelance bookkeeper, I've worked hard and I don't talk about work much to friends usually.

OP posts:
Teaandjam · 16/07/2021 23:19

we'll my dh gives me £800 a month to spend'.

She sounds more like a jealous child getting pocket money. She clearly feels like she is missing out on having a career and wants to make you feel as shit as she does.

Good for you on maintaining the friendship as I’m not sure I could handle that kind of negativity in my life.

jihhy · 16/07/2021 23:22

She just sounds insecure so needs to put down you to validate her choices. Not great for you.

Mary46 · 16/07/2021 23:23

If a true friend she would not behave like this. Reduce your contact. I hate negativity

Viviennemary · 16/07/2021 23:27

She sounds really jealous of you. Her only achievements in her eyes are her husbsnds so she feels the need to boast about his money. Really toxic. I' d see a lot less of her.

Original poster
Jennybeans401 · 16/07/2021 23:32

I normally text her and ask her to lunch. I haven't text her for a few weeks now and she's not bothered with me. I won't be messaging now.

I did see her on the school run a few days ago, I'd just finished work and was sat in the car reading. She tapped on the window and said 'you should walk up and down the road a bit, clearly this was about exercise!

She walks 45 minutes to school sometimes, I don't have the time due to work.

OP posts:
IdblowJonSnow · 16/07/2021 23:33

Jealous as hell!
Well done on your hard work and success OP. And that's what she should be saying too!

ahoyshipmates · 16/07/2021 23:34

@Unsoliciteddeckpic

These sort of thing can really cause a divide.

I went back tobwork after my mat leave. My sil (dbros wife) who had decided to a sahp kept trying to start the sahp vs wohp debate. I kept telling her is a not a debate I am interested in. People do what they feel is best for their family.

We ended up not speaking when she told me working women, shouldn't be allowed to give birth. I haven't spoke to her since.

I think sahp must get the same, but I can't speak for them. But the worst comments I have had have been from people who decided to be sahp while I didn't. It used to bother me, it doesn't now. It's their issue.

Your SIL hasn't really thought that through, has she?
Original poster
Jennybeans401 · 16/07/2021 23:34

Thank you, it's been a long road but I feel like the hard work is starting to pay off x

OP posts:
rubbletrouble · 16/07/2021 23:37

If she's a good friend talk to her about it, she may feel you are derogatory about her being a SAHP, she may be having a tough time at the moment with something.

If you really are true friends, this should be something you talk about together, only she knows why she said it, maybe take the time to find out why

pleasepuddinghot · 16/07/2021 23:37

Gosh she's awful. Let the friendship (although she is no friend) fizzle out.
She sounds envious of your independence and a bit sad that she has to make her self feel good by being mean to you.
I've met women like this, one was a friend at first but had a bit of a passive aggressive bitchy streak. Thankfully we moved quite far away and kids grew apart so no need to be in touch. She was a right cow though when I think back to what she would say to me and the way she would put me down. Hindsight is wonderful and I should have distanced myself after the first couple of put downs.

Original poster
Jennybeans401 · 16/07/2021 23:39

Rubbletrubble if I was to ask her she would just deny that there is a problem.

She is always right, that's how she sees herself.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jennybeans401 · 16/07/2021 23:41

Pleasepuddinghot
Yes it feel like she's being passive aggressive, little digs here and there. If I was to talk about needing to buy a pair of wellies she'd tell me that her husband bought her an expensive pair.

I don't understand why she needs to do it though. She has a big house , nice life. No need to be jealous. Just feels like she boosts her ego looking at my life!

OP posts:
Unsoliciteddeckpic · 16/07/2021 23:42

@ahoyshipmates from what I understand not thinking it through has become a common theme. She had her 9 closest friends as bridesmaids and not one of them speak to her.

Funny thing is, she now works FT and dbro works pt and takes on most if the childcare. Shock

crumbsinthejam · 16/07/2021 23:42

Well done on your business, @Jennybeans401
I wonder if your "friend" has a chip on her shoulder about being reliant on someone else and feels the need to prove herself?

Original poster
Jennybeans401 · 16/07/2021 23:45

That may be it, her husband seems ok but he's given her a hard time over some things in the past. I sometimes think she is annoyed with him and lashes out at other people.

OP posts:
Carjo21 · 16/07/2021 23:45

I’m a SAHP for now, though I hope to return to work soon when it suits me and my family. A lot of my friends have returned to work and I can honestly say I’m proud of every one of them!

Friends should encourage each other, lift each other up when they need it and never judge!

People make whatever decisions are best for their families at whatever time and there is no right or wrong!

I’d just see less of her! She sounds jealous and probably isn’t as happy with her lot as she makes out!

Original poster
Jennybeans401 · 16/07/2021 23:46

Thank you crumbsinthejam, my dds lives are better for my job so I'm grateful for it.

OP posts:
rubbletrouble · 16/07/2021 23:47

@Jennybeans401

Rubbletrubble if I was to ask her she would just deny that there is a problem.

She is always right, that's how she sees herself.

If that's how you see her as well, there is no friendship to save by the sounds of it.
Carjo21 · 16/07/2021 23:47

I should also say I’m proud of my SAHP friends as well! Life is a sacrifice whatever you do x

Original poster
Jennybeans401 · 16/07/2021 23:48

Thanks Carjo21, you could be right. I'm putting distance between us now. I feel bad after spending time with her.

I often feel like I shouldn't talk about my job because I don't want her to say something sarky, it's not the way it should be.

OP posts:
Carjo21 · 16/07/2021 23:53

No friend should make you feel bad about yourself! You should be happy to talk about you life and as your friend she should be happy to hear it!
Good luck and take care x

TwinsandTrifle · 16/07/2021 23:59

She's trying to validate herself.

"You've got a shiny new car, but it doesn't count really because you have to slog for it every day. I don't have a shiny new car, but I do get £800 a month for doing nothing, so I'm getting the far better deal. Look how much my handbag cost! Understand!!!!!"

She's very materialistic. Places importance on monetary value, so by continually making out she has expensive this and that, she thinks she looks more important.

What she looks like is a tit. Phase her out.

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