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AIBU?

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Original poster

DC won't get upset when reprimanded - worrying?

64 replies

Isla21July · 16/07/2021 20:20

As a background info: I'm prone to anxiety and that complicates my parenting from time to time. :(

This week, my DD had been messaging her friend in a somewhat rude manner one morning. Her friend had phoned her and woken her up, and still half-a-sleep, my DD had messaged her using some unhappy/angry emoticons. I haven't seen them but I know it happened because her friend's mum contacted me the same day.

I was quite upset b/c of the behaviour of my DC. It must be difficult to every parent, but because of my anxiety, I felt physically ill and it took a lot of effort to get over those nasty I am a looser -feelings. I managed to talk to my DC in a calm manner, and reprimanded her as gently as possible (I told her it is not ok to send angry emoticons to a friend, even if you are upset someone just woke you up).
My DC seemed to understand and seemed slightly upset after we had talked. She look worried and little tearful. She said she did not intend to hurt or offend anyone. However, she didn't get that sad. Literally two minutes later, she was back to her happy self, enjoying her time with her DB, telling jokes, jumping on trampoline etc.

I was a very different kind of kid. When my mum/dad disciplined me, I would dwell on it for the rest of the day, withdraw and feel bad. I remember how I shrank.

Is it normal that a child gets over being disciplined/reprimanded so quick?

OP posts:
Tiddleztheelephant · 16/07/2021 20:41

I can't see what your child did wrong in this scenario tbh.
Her friend woke her up texting so she sent emojis of how she felt about that..... why is that so wrong?
Then you told her off and she took it on board and looked a little upset but not for long, which is perfectly proportionate to the "crime" she'd committed.

Personally I'd be going for natural consequences IE let her experience her friend being upset with her and see if she thinks that a more diplomatic reply might be better in future.

Dishwashersaurous · 16/07/2021 20:42

How old is she?

warmfluffytowels · 16/07/2021 20:43

I'm not sure what she did that required her to be reprimanded in the first place. What's wrong with sending some angry emoticons to someone who woke her up?

TrainspottingWelsh · 16/07/2021 20:45

Yabvu to be disappointed she didn't join in with an overly emotional response to what sounds like a harmless text. And yabvu to reprimand her at all if you didn't even ask her to show you the texts first.
You are aware you have anxiety and your presumably private reaction to everyday situations isn't healthy. So why would you be concerned she isn't reacting like you?

Winniewonka · 16/07/2021 20:45

You haven't said the ages of the girls. If it's two 9 years old for example then they really don't need phones anyway as they can't handle the emotional upset caused by negative phone usage.
If they're high school age then honestly the other mother didn't need to be involved at all.

SparrowNest · 16/07/2021 20:53

Her reaction sounds entirely appropriate given how minor her supposed transgression was. How upset and guilty do you want her to feel!? If she’d done something that harmed someone else in a more serious way, yes you’d hope for a greater level of remorse.

Tbh from what you’ve said I’m not even sure she deserved telling off at all, and her friend’s mum ringing you to complain seems utterly bizarre. Even if her daughter took the angry message very badly, surely she should just explain that people get angry when they are woken up, that your daughter may be sorry later, and not to take it to heart either way. You can’t call up your kid’s friends’ parents to complain every time they have a petty falling out.

Ifitquacks · 16/07/2021 20:54

If the children are under about 13 I don’t think they should really be having phones in their bedroom overnight should they?

rantymcrantface66 · 16/07/2021 20:59

How old are the dc? Answer varies quite a lot depending on this

Christmasfairy2020 · 16/07/2021 21:00

Tbh if someone woke my dd up I wouldn't say nowt. They shouldn't ring so early

Pbbananabagel · 16/07/2021 21:02

I’m not sure if you realise the lesson you taught her today was to prioritise her friends needs and emotions above her own, is this really what you want?

youngandbroken · 16/07/2021 21:05

OP I get this feeling but really YABU. I worry when my daughter doesn't respond to being told off the same way I would as a child (and still do) but then I give my head a wobble and realise that I am glad my children are not crippled by the same disabling mental health problems that I experience and that actually the fact that they are secure enough with me that they don't feel like their world is falling apart if I tell them off is actually a good thing! And a sign that I'm not failing totally as a parent. This is a normal healthy reaction for a child, the way that you react is not. I think some of the comments here have been a bit harsh but honestly you have my sympathy - I nearly cried at work when my manager criticised me the other day and am still dwelling on it 4 days later..... Trust me it's far better to be raising resilient children!

User7312019 · 16/07/2021 21:17

Why would you want your child to be more anxious and worried? Also she did nothing wrong, it’s perfectly acceptable to be annoyed at people who wake you up.

VodkaSlimline · 16/07/2021 21:18

If your child is 12 or under she doesn't need a mobile that can contact anyone except close family and this incident demonstrates that.

MaskingForIt · 16/07/2021 21:28

@user27424799642256

Sorry, you're disappointed that when you told your child off for no reason whatsoever that you weren't able to crush her spirit?

So. Confused.

Me too. What parent wants to break their child’s spirit?
Saltyslug · 16/07/2021 21:29

Actually aiming for her to reprimanded and suitably upset is not the right approach. It’s better to kindly help her reflect and understand and then make better choices next time.

EarringsandLipstick · 16/07/2021 21:30

OP, this really resonated with me.

I was a very different kind of kid. When my mum/dad disciplined me, I would dwell on it for the rest of the day, withdraw and feel bad. I remember how I shrank.

Especially the word 'shrank'. I was very like that too so I get it. I am still a bit like this in my 40s - I really take it to heart if I feel I've done something wrong, if I have mis-stepped in work, or didn't do something as well as I should have. I ruminate, worry & feel bad for much longer than I should. And I have a senior-ish job managing a team.

I just have to be aware of this & work on it.

As PPs have said, your DD sounds great - as a result of your parenting! - and this is the right approach from her.

Go easy on yourself too 💐

EarringsandLipstick · 16/07/2021 21:32

What parent wants to break their child’s spirit?

Of course OP doesn't want to do this.

She is trying to understand her DD's response, because it was so different to her own, as a child. She's anxious and therefore worries that she or DD might be doing something wrong.

Or at least that's how I read it!

Eviethyme · 16/07/2021 21:33

Your worried that your kid doesn't have the same mental health issue that you have? - _- no it's not normal to dwell all day unless you did something super super bad

Original poster
Isla21July · 16/07/2021 21:35

Thank you all, my DC's soon 10.

Deep down I'm proud of her reaction - seems like she has not inherited a tiny bit of my anxiety which is a huge relief!

I guess what confuses my anxious mind is the difference between how I react and how (both) my DC's react. I haven't really known of any other way to change one's behaviour than mine - through the heavily consuming mix of guilt and regret.

Very reassuring to read that all of you actually think she's doing it great. What a relief I haven't messed that up.

OP posts:
Rosebel · 16/07/2021 21:46

I'm not quite sure why you told her off anyway. Sending an angry emoji is hardly a massive deal
You gently told her off but wanted her to be sad all day. Why? Just why did you want your child to be sad for doing nothing wrong?
YABVU.

NoMoreCovidPlease · 16/07/2021 21:56

You need to learn how to stand up for your daughter. She did nothing wrong, you told her off for nothing. And he reaction is fine. You need to deal with your insecurities pronto because your behaviour is not healthy to be around.

Moonface123 · 16/07/2021 21:56

Anxiety can be greatly improved by not sweating the small stuff. Don't overthink, draw a line.

SparrowNest · 16/07/2021 22:03

I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to join a chorus of people laying into you because I don’t think YOU have done anything seriously wrong either.

You wanted your daughter to care about her friends’ feelings and that’s admirable. It’s just also important she knows that her feelings matter too, that she’s allowed to stand up for herself, and that her mum had got her back and doesn’t prioritise other people over here (which certainly doesn’t mean not having expectations of her behaviour, or reprimanding her if she’s actually done something wrong)

Cocomarine · 16/07/2021 22:11

I’m on the more relaxed side of phone availability for young kids…
But really, why does a 9yo have access to her phone at a time when she’s half asleep? So presumably in her bedroom?
I’d stop that.

3Britnee · 16/07/2021 22:14

(I told her it is not ok to send angry emoticons to a friend, even if you are upset someone just woke you up).

Why?

Why shouldn't she express her real feelings? To save her friends feelings? Fuck that.

I'd be having words with the friends mum about teaching her dd consideration to not call si early and a bit of resilience, not my dd.

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