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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mum's comments

28 replies

Onlinedilema · 16/07/2021 19:42

I don't think I'm being unreasonable just posting for traffic really.
Went to see my mum today, mainly for her benefit as she is lonely.
Suddenly during the conversation my mum turned to me and asked "Have you put weight on?"
Later she said "What colour is that on your legs?"
Well no, I haven't put weight on. I fully admit I could do with losing weight, absolutely. I am no longer as fit, slim and toned as I used to be but my weight hasn't changed for some time. I was also wearing very casual, summer clothing, a pair of shorts and a vest. I would not be wearing these clothes if it wasn't extremely hot today and also I was only going to see mum so no chance of anyone else seeing me. I also had fake tan on my legs which she is fully aware of. I use the same one as always. The last few times she has seen me she has said how I look a lovely colour. I only use it in summer as I can't bare to expose my white limbs.
Came home and told dh what sheb had said. Now trust me my dh is no fan of the over fake orange look by any means. He said i look absolutely fine and my legs look very natural (I have also been spending lots of time in the garden so probably naturally more tanned too) he certainly would tell me if I looked daft. He was furious about the weight comment and said she was being mean and nasty.
My clothes don't feel any tighter than normal.
Just wondering if other people face this from their parents, is it normal?
If I'm asking "Do I look fat, do I look stupid?" Then fair enough but we weren't even talking about weight or appearance.
sorry for the ramblings.

OP posts:

Original poster

Onlinedilema · 16/07/2021 19:44

I also mentioned that we are going to build a small pergoda, and she snapped "You won't have any grass left soon!" I replied of course we will, I'm not removing the grass, it will just be an extra point of interest and I don't need all the lawn I have now.

OP posts:

MrsCremuel · 16/07/2021 19:45

Incredibly rude and don’t let her make you feel it isn’t. I wouldn’t say this to anyone let alone my child. My dad pulls the same shit all the time and has done since I was a teen.

She’s out of order.

FluffyPJs · 16/07/2021 19:46

I know it's rude to ask but how old is your mum? Mine is nearing 80 and she sometimes doesn't realise her comments are rude or hurtful. When we tell her she's mortified.

LittleRed53 · 16/07/2021 19:48

Does your mum have form for this?

If it was a one off thing, I'd put it down to her just being a bit thoughtless. If this isn't the first time, I'd say you should pull her up on it if it happens again.

No need to be harsh, but just make her aware that it bothers you.

Either way, don't let it get you down. You know you haven't put weight on and the tan was fine, so never mind her.

FadedRed · 16/07/2021 19:48

Tell her that she is being rude and the old adage of “If you can’t say something nice, then don’t say anything” applies to her as it does to everyone else.

sleepyhead · 16/07/2021 19:48

Sounds like she was in a right bad mood with the world and you got the brunt of it.

Not ok, but I personally wouldn't give it much thought and chalk it down to all about her and not about you.

My mum would never do this, but my gran was notorious for it. Some days you'd visit and nothing was right. Took it as a signal to cut the visit short.

RJnomore1 · 16/07/2021 19:48

My mother is obsessed with my weight.

She said recently “we haven’t seen you for a year I don’t even know what you look like” (on phone - they’ve been shielding won’t let anyone near them still) and follows up with not “is your hair stil the same” or anything, no “have you put weight on”

So yeah I’ve got fatter on the phone too, can’t win eh.

mbosnz · 16/07/2021 19:50

I sympathise. I lost an awful lot of weight because of being very ill for a period of months, and Mum said, 'well that's one good thing'. Then I found out she's always been a size twelve her whole adult life - I've varied between 6 and 12. I mean, honestly!

Mothers.

SummerHouse · 16/07/2021 19:50

She was in a mood and she took it out on you. Do not let this get to you. Feeling bitter is like holding hot coals. It will only hurt you, no one else.

Maybe some stuff going on for her that you don't know about. Maybe she was just being a cow.

Forget about it or forgive her. Has she got for for meanness?

Original poster

Onlinedilema · 16/07/2021 19:50

Yes she does have form. The thing is I remember her saying at one stage I was too thin! !

OP posts:

overtherainbo · 16/07/2021 19:51

I visited my nana for the first time in around a year (due to covid).

I told her I had booked a holiday abroad for my family, excited that it will be my children's first time away.

She responded with.. 'well you better lose some weight then or they will be charging you for extra baggage'.

LozzaChops101 · 16/07/2021 19:53

Yeah mean and irritating. Mine's exactly the same and always has been. I've just recently got better at letting it wash over me and it's quite freeing, if you can manage it

TSSDNCOP · 16/07/2021 19:54

I'll use DM as an example here. If she's lonely she isn't used to conversation, this leads to blurting out all sorts of random comments she doesn't really mean, but her social filter is out of practice. Being alone is hard. Being social when you've been alone is also hard.

Lavender21 · 16/07/2021 20:12

My DM and DA would do this, they were extremely blunt and it got worse as they got older. When I pointed out, it wasn't very nice, I was told as it was family it was ok to say it. If I was like it with them (very rare )they would get really upset and say I was being nasty. It was alright for them to do it as they were older.

MrsBobDylan · 16/07/2021 20:13

Nah, she's being a bitch and I'd feel confident saying she's always been a bitch, judging by your self-questioning reaction.

My Mum's a bitch too - I can spot them at 20 paces

RowanAlong · 16/07/2021 22:20

I have a mother like this. Always mentioning my weight, either openly or pseudo-covertly (as she serves dessert, pursed lips, ‘and will you be having pudding today?’) She’s either disappointed that ‘her’ child doesn’t look as good as she imagined she would, or she’s mean, or she’s somehow jealous and finding any way to put me down. I don’t get it.

Iwishiwereamillionaire · 17/07/2021 23:00

I have this constantly with mine, to the point I try to make it a game as to what she will make a personal comment on this time- my weight, my skin, wrinkles or general comments!
I try to ignore but it’s hurtful, if I call her out on it she gets very martyred and obviously it’s my fault… I’m ashamed to say it but the lockdown was blissful in that I had a break from the insults!
I just generally feel I’m not good enough around her, I get very wound up if I know I’m spending time together now. Makes me sad but it’s definitely gotten worse as she’s aged

Lefthousewithpooinhair · 18/07/2021 09:37

It doesn’t sound very nice. Perhaps she was having a bad day for another reason. Sorry for that op.
I think everyone has put on a little weight in lockdown :( it’s probably completely normal, and there are loads of government initiatives to help on the NHS website, maybe she is only just noticing.
I don’t personally like fake fan on people. I think it looks ridiculous as most of the time it’s very obvious. I also prefer people a more natural colour (whatever theirs may be) on people I am attracted to. That is my personal preference, although wouldn’t voice it in such a rude way. Maybe your mum has a similar preference but just forgot her rude filter.

Scarby9 · 18/07/2021 09:46

From my mum, no, never.
From my aunt, all the time.
'My, you're broadening around the beam!'
'By, you're piling on the pounds!'
Breathtakingly rude.

TimeIhadaNameChange · 18/07/2021 09:49

My mum's exactly the same and always has been. Funny thing is she's never been slim in my lifetime, and she used to moan about her mother doing a similar thing.

I've been a 16 at the largest (posr-partum). My sisterhas been obese for 30 years but mum NEVER says anything to her.

Nuggetnugget · 18/07/2021 09:55

Yes my mum is like this too.
I once stood up. Put my baby in my arms and walked out and didn't return for many months (usually visit twice a week)
But it was everything I did and said. Why did I not get a blow dry every Saturday? Clothes. Weight. Job (even though she is hugely overweight and never worked)
How her friends daughters were all so good to them (I was running the road for stuff for her). Birthday I would get keep bubble bath (oh it will bring you out in a wash.. Ha ha)

Now I reduced visits. Don't tell her much. She was upset recently I didn't invite her on a mini break with my children (no dh as he was working)

She's got the message. She doesn't do it as much now.

Sorry you are going through this.

Nuggetnugget · 18/07/2021 09:57

Rash

Reallyreallyborednow · 18/07/2021 10:36

Oh i get this. Never as obvious as “you’re fat” but constant comments. Except for after I had dc when she started asking if there was something wrong as I was very bloated, and was I sure about my stomach as it hadn’t gone down much (the day after an emcs). Pestered me to check with m/w as she didn’t think it was “normal”.

Are you sure you want seconds/pudding. Are you cooking x? I love that but it’s very fattening. Do you have any sugar free jelly in? It’s very slimming you know.

Also as pp. nail/eyebrow vouchers for my birthday. Make up for christmas. Clothes two sizes too big.

Funnily enough I loved exercise but she always discouraged it -muscles/smell of chlorine/get sweaty etc.

Didn’t help that my sister is naturally very thin so it was obvious when she was offered pudding/biscuits and I got a frown and “are you sure”.

NotMyCat · 18/07/2021 12:02

Constant here
I'm obese, ugly, need to wear contacts, no man will want me looking like I do, pull my top down at the back as everyone is staring at my tattoo (no, they're staring at you shouting at me), diet books/magazines, a size 26 top "it'll be just right" (I'm a size 16), taking me shopping in evans because everything will fit (I was 16 and a size 12/14 at 5ft10), signing me up for weight watchers at 15, telling me how much smaller she is, her shoulders are smaller, her thighs are (she was a 24, I was a 14), crying because a cost she bought me didn't fit my shoulders.....

thecatsmum12346 · 18/07/2021 12:41

This is awful.

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