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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he should help us to get out more?

33 replies

Mauii2 · 16/07/2021 16:36

I'm currently a SAHM with two toddlers, I had to leave my (very physical) job in March due to my health. I have multiple conditions, none of which are life threatening, but do affect what I'm able to do and make it difficult for me to do physically taxing stuff. For example, I can no longer push the double buggy up and down the hill from our home. Or much at all. I just can't manage it. We don't have a car. This means unless OH is with me then me and the kids don't get out (bar them being at nursery 2 days a week)

I haven't had much adult interaction in months and have been stuck indoors with the kids every day bar a walk to the supermarket every Monday with OH when hes off work and the kids are at nursery, as he can push the trolly.

Obviously feeling isolated and being stuck indoors takes it's toll and I'm becoming quite depressed.

When OH has his 2 days off work he doesn't want to do anything and would prefer to relax indoors, that includes when DSC come round so we're all just stuck in what feels like a goldfish bowl because it's the same 4 walls day in day out for me. Any suggestion that we get out and do something with the kids, even a leisurely walk round the park, is seen as an inconvenience to his down time.

It's all got on top of me today and I've ended up having a cry. I'm annoyed with OH because he knows I can't get out with the buggy without help but has made no effort to help us get out of the house.

AIBU to think he should?
I'm prepared to be told I'm unreasonable if you think I am.

OP posts:
Blanca87 · 16/07/2021 16:38

Your OH sounds like a useless twat. Sorry you partnered up with him. Try speaking to him but get the sense he will be too selfish to care. He also sounds like a shit dad.

Saladcrab · 16/07/2021 16:40

Have you considered a mothers help a teenager who can help especially in the summer holidays with pushing the buggy getting you out and a bit of company etc

Original poster
Mauii2 · 16/07/2021 16:43

I'm planning on speaking to him this evening but wanted to see what the general consensus was before I did, just incase I was being a bit twattish projecting onto him.

I hadn't considered a mothers help as I haven't really heard of that before but that sounds like something worth looking into for sure.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mauii2 · 16/07/2021 16:44

He does plenty in the home for the kids but has no motivation to go out and do anything, which is all well and good for him as he gets 10 hours out of the house 5 days a week. He can't relate at all.

OP posts:
NVision · 16/07/2021 16:44

Go out on your own for walks or public transport into town? It sounds like other than the shopping trip on a Monday (which DP could do on his own?) - you have all of that day free?

Could you get back to work in a non-physical job? That would get you out of the house and more adult interaction.

warmfluffytowels · 16/07/2021 16:45

YANBU. He's a parent - he can't just spend his free time sat on his arse.

NCJ2021 · 16/07/2021 16:46

YANBU.

How are your toddlers walking?

negomi90 · 16/07/2021 16:50

If you have toddlers, are you able to downgrade to a single buggy and then get them to take it in turns to walk - or attach a buggy board. Then you can get out more.
Are your DSC old enough and willing enough to be helpful if you went to the park without DH (but with a bribe of ice cream)?
If that fails, just go out yourself when he's there with the kids.

Original poster
Mauii2 · 16/07/2021 16:52

@NVision

Go out on your own for walks or public transport into town? It sounds like other than the shopping trip on a Monday (which DP could do on his own?) - you have all of that day free?

Could you get back to work in a non-physical job? That would get you out of the house and more adult interaction.

Yes that's true, aside the food shop I do have Mondays free I just can't see him wanting to do it by himself though, he'll give multiple excuses as to why that won't work.

I don't actually mind doing it, truth be told, as it gets me out.

I feel for the kids as much as myself though as it would be nice to be able to get out with them too iyswim.

I'm currently job searching now but not having much luck Sad

I don't have qualifications so the only things realistic to apply for are things like shop work and cleaning which I can no longer do.

I was a self employed cleaner previously and did well in that, so it's crap.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mauii2 · 16/07/2021 16:54

Regarding the kids walking, my eldest has SN and isn't safe to walk and wouldn't use a buggy board. My youngest is a good walker but too little to walk for too long as she gets tired.

OP posts:
Blanca87 · 16/07/2021 16:57

‘I just can't see him wanting to do it by himself though’
Jesus fucking Christ what on earth are you doing with him. I can’t believe what I’m reading. Seriously why is this opting out of real life in anyway acceptable? I’m sure if he was living on his own he would make it work. He is letting you and your children down big time.

Original poster
Mauii2 · 16/07/2021 17:26

If he was living on his own he'd just survive on fast food.

I agree, I feel let down for me and the children.

None of this was an issue before but now I'm somewhat reliant on him. It's shit.

I've briefly addressed what I wrote in my OP and of course he made excuses. He tried to turn it back around on me and said I haven't asked him to help me and the kids get out more which is a lie because I have. He then said I should ask more then denied acting inconvenienced when I have made suggestions in the recent past. He finally admitted that yes "half" the time he doesn't want to go out when he's off work when the reality is it's %90 of the time.

I suggested picnics with the kids in the last few months and he always moans saying it's too much faff

"Going to the shop, getting the food, coming back, buttering the bread, getting the kids ready.."

Listing off every nessecary step to make it look impractical.

The short exchange concluded with him saying "ok then next week we'll go out every day" which seems petulant to me as I don't think any family goes out every day do they? Nor does he have any actual intention to do that.

It's one extreme to the other Confused

He's taken the eldest for a walk to the shop to compensate for the fact we've been stuck in all day, again, but even that wouldn't have happened had I not brought all of this up.

OP posts:
MamaNell · 16/07/2021 17:41

He seriously needs to step up. Sounds like his life hasn't changed at all, but your health conditions have had a serious impact on your (and your children's) life so things have to change.
Perhaps frame it as a fresh start or a new approach to dealing with your health will stop some of the finger pointing and blame that you say has started.

I would get your food shop delivered, book it early enough and it's £1.50 and that would give you all day Monday to enjoy. You could do something together to try and cheer yourselves both up/ rekindle the team work aspect of your relationship. Or if he is being an arse go and do something you enjoy. A gentle swim/ coffee in town with a friend/read a book in the park.

Aprilx · 16/07/2021 17:42

Do you drive and if so is getting a car a possibility? That would give you some more freedom.

Whilst I think your DH doesn’t sound great, at the same time, I don’t think it is helpful for you to get to rely upon him to getting you out and you need to try and see what you can do for yourself. (Not least because you might decide you are better off without him one day).

warmfluffytowels · 16/07/2021 17:46

I know it doesn't solve your DH problem, but is there a reason you don't get your food shop delivered? It would stop you needing to wait for his days off and being so reliant on him for it.

Original poster
Mauii2 · 16/07/2021 17:52

Thank you for the replies and advice.

I've always been fiercely independent so I hate not being able to do something as trivial as pushing my kids down the street.

Doing the food shop online is a good idea, I'll make that change this coming week. The main reason I haven't done that sooner is because I can't get a full shop (or delivery) from lidl which is where I do the bulk of the shop, then the remainder from Tesco.

I'll switch to Tesco only for the convenience but it'll bump up the cost a bit.

Regarding driving, that was in the pipe line when I had my job but not so affordable now. It's something I want to do, and will do, as soon as financially viable.

OP posts:
Cornettoninja · 16/07/2021 18:03

Have you spoken with your health visitor? I’ve no reference for current times, but my friend was set up with a lady from surestart (I think) who would come and play/help out with the kids when she was struggling. If your mobility has declined and one of your dc also has mobility issues they may be able to set you up with someone similar to assist you getting around. Similar to a mother’s help but probably more limited on what they can actually do.

How old is your toddler? Is a scooter an option for scooting alongside you or are they still a bit too young for that?

TheBigFatMermaid · 16/07/2021 18:11

Have a look for accessible transport in your area. You will have to register with them and book in advance, but it will help you and the kids get out and about independently.

They do charge, but it's on a parr with bus prices.

They are not just for disabled people but anyone with a transport need.

Original poster
Mauii2 · 16/07/2021 18:13

@Cornettoninja

Have you spoken with your health visitor? I’ve no reference for current times, but my friend was set up with a lady from surestart (I think) who would come and play/help out with the kids when she was struggling. If your mobility has declined and one of your dc also has mobility issues they may be able to set you up with someone similar to assist you getting around. Similar to a mother’s help but probably more limited on what they can actually do.

How old is your toddler? Is a scooter an option for scooting alongside you or are they still a bit too young for that?

I haven't seen our health visitor in over 18 months unfortunately, DD had her 2 year review over the phone and the lady conducting it was somebody entirely different and it was very brief.

I could send an email to our usual HV and see if she has any suggestions or is able to signpost me.

I'm hoping praying that my reduced mobility isn't a long term thing. I'm going to need 2 separate operations and physio though so there won't be any improvement for a while.

My kids are 3 and 2, I know 3 isn't technically a toddler but his disabilities mean he functions at a much lower cognitive age than he is. He also has quite severe tibial torsion and intoeing which affect his mobility. A scooter would be a fab idea if he was able but he just doesn't get the concept of how to use them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mauii2 · 16/07/2021 18:14

@TheBigFatMermaid

Have a look for accessible transport in your area. You will have to register with them and book in advance, but it will help you and the kids get out and about independently.

They do charge, but it's on a parr with bus prices.

They are not just for disabled people but anyone with a transport need.

Thank you I haven't heard of that before. Will Google now Smile
OP posts:
Cornettoninja · 16/07/2021 18:24

Sorry @Mauii2, that’s my lack of comprehension skills, I had it in my head that your youngest was the one who needed the pushchair.

Please do push your HV, this is precisely the kind of thing they should be well placed to point you in the right direction for.

Babysharkdoodoodood · 16/07/2021 18:35

I'm hoping praying that my reduced mobility isn't a long term thing. I'm going to need 2 separate operations and physio though so there won't be any improvement for a while.

So what's your oh going to do whilst you're having these operations and recuperating?

Hankunamatata · 16/07/2021 18:37

kiddyboost.com/?lang=en

staringstepan · 16/07/2021 18:44

If both you and your child have some mobility issues could you possibly qualify for any additional benefits, DLA or PIP?

Or any benefit that would help to pay for a mobility car?

It sounds like having a vehicle is the key for you here.

Are you in private or social housing?

quizqueen · 16/07/2021 19:00

Move somewhere where you don't live on a hill.