To think he should help us to get out more?

[Mauii2]

I'm currently a SAHM with two toddlers, I had to leave my (very physical) job in March due to my health. I have multiple conditions, none of which are life threatening, but do affect what I'm able to do and make it difficult for me to do physically taxing stuff. For example, I can no longer push the double buggy up and down the hill from our home. Or much at all. I just can't manage it. We don't have a car. This means unless OH is with me then me and the kids don't get out (bar them being at nursery 2 days a week)

I haven't had much adult interaction in months and have been stuck indoors with the kids every day bar a walk to the supermarket every Monday with OH when hes off work and the kids are at nursery, as he can push the trolly.

Obviously feeling isolated and being stuck indoors takes it's toll and I'm becoming quite depressed.

When OH has his 2 days off work he doesn't want to do anything and would prefer to relax indoors, that includes when DSC come round so we're all just stuck in what feels like a goldfish bowl because it's the same 4 walls day in day out for me. Any suggestion that we get out and do something with the kids, even a leisurely walk round the park, is seen as an inconvenience to his down time.

It's all got on top of me today and I've ended up having a cry. I'm annoyed with OH because he knows I can't get out with the buggy without help but has made no effort to help us get out of the house.

AIBU to think he should?
I'm prepared to be told I'm unreasonable if you think I am.

So he is exhausted working 50+ hrs a week and worried about supporting the family, and when he gets home he just wants to flop on the sofa. And you are exhausted, unwell and stuck at home with two toddlers, one with SEN, and need to get out for your sanity. Is he generally a selfish arse, or is he struggling too?

Get some advice about whether either you or the eldest child can get PIP/DLA, and if you can use it for taxis and help.
See if you qualify for homestart- a trained volunteer to support you
Discuss/plan some outings with the DSC- can you get them to help with the littles? Then its up to your DP to come too or not.
There are some charities that help families with disabled children and parents like the Family Fund, they paid for a friend's driving lessons. There are definitely charities for shopworkers, there may be one for cleaners, your local Citizens Advice will know.

OH is going to have to take the time off work when I have my operations as I'll not be fit for much.

DS does get DLA yes. It doesn't stretch very far though now we're living off one wage.

RE private or social housing, we're in private. No chance of getting social.

Move somewhere that's not on a hill? Can't afford to yet.

@missymayhemsmum

So he is exhausted working 50+ hrs a week and worried about supporting the family, and when he gets home he just wants to flop on the sofa. And you are exhausted, unwell and stuck at home with two toddlers, one with SEN, and need to get out for your sanity. Is he generally a selfish arse, or is he struggling too?

Get some advice about whether either you or the eldest child can get PIP/DLA, and if you can use it for taxis and help.
See if you qualify for homestart- a trained volunteer to support you
Discuss/plan some outings with the DSC- can you get them to help with the littles? Then its up to your DP to come too or not.
There are some charities that help families with disabled children and parents like the Family Fund, they paid for a friend's driving lessons. There are definitely charities for shopworkers, there may be one for cleaners, your local Citizens Advice will know.

He can be selfish in ways then very considerate in others to be honest. He does work hard though I can't pretend that he doesn't.

Thank you for the good suggestions I will definitely look into them

You’ve had some great suggestions to help you in the short term and it’s great to hear you are going to look into them.
I’d also start a long term plan. Can you think about retraining? Office work maybe? Would book keeping interest you. There’s plenty of demand for it and you can usually do it part time.

In the meantime I’d also draw up a list of outings and ask him to pick one a week for you all to do together. Making a picnic is not much more work than making lunch surely?? Make sure you have suitable containers to pop the food in and a backpack to carry it all.
Hope things improve for you

Well your OH is being pretty crap isn't he?! I definitely wouldn't be happy with that so he definitely needs to step up and actually parent!

Get groceries delivered when he's home he can pack it away.

Are you able to drive op? Are you getting all the support you are eligible for now that your health has changed?

I'm thinking it might help you - if you were eligible - to get a motability car - ok you can't drive as yet, there are grants available to learn to drive if you are eligible for pip, or to use the money for a mother's help or similar or perhaps even get some kind of carer support? Speak to your health visitor or even social services (this is exactly the kind of thing they can help with, they're usually pretty good at knowing what other agencies/charities are around locally too)

I know this may seem a bit odd as you've previously been healthy and managed everything yourself but it's a mental shift as much as a physical thing.

What kind of things are difficult for you to do? Could certain tools or equipment make them easier for you meaning you have more energy for other tasks?

Have you looked at potentially getting some qualifications? Perhaps remote learning?

I'm hoping praying that my reduced mobility isn't a long term thing. I'm going to need 2 separate operations and physio though so there won't be any improvement for a while

I think it would serve you better to act as if it may be though and get started on getting help in place as it can take a long time to get that help sometimes

Fairly sure you should be able to get DLA/pip for your eldest at least

Eldest gets DLA that's great.

I would honestly advise you speak to the welfare rights advice office at your local council to ensure you're getting all you're eligible for. They are sometimes called something else and are usually linked with the social services dept (as its families needing social service input that most often need help with benefits advice)

It's not just the DLA/pip itself it's the access it gives you to other help and services. Eg blue badges/disability discounts on public transport

I hope you get the support you need soon from OH and others

Depending on your condition/s there are charities for most conditions who are also good at advising how to navigate the changes you're dealing with.

Could the elder child go in the buggy and the younger who is better at walking stand on buggy board? I used to do that with my two - my eldest also has sen.

Hopefully you can get a fairly budget shop from tesco, and get a few bits from lidl, not ideal, you need your health more

I would ask your health visitor if the charity Homestart runs in your area. A scheme where a volunteer will come to support you in things you need help with etc pushing the buggy so you can have a day out. Really feel for you.