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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Did you lose friends after having a baby?

73 replies

Pinktruffle · 16/07/2021 13:11

I'm sure this subject has been raised here before but I've not seen it.

I'm in my mid 30's but I'm the only one in my (former) close circle of friends who is married and has a child. My close circle of friends met about 15 years ago, we all lived in the same town and did a lot together. A couple of us have moved away and as is natural we have drifted apart a bit but had always met up a few times a year and I had always throughly enjoyed it. Myself and one of the friends have drifted to the point of not speaking anymore but I thought I was still close to the other three. One of them actually messaged me the other day saying that she no longer wished to be friends with me as she felt we were 'just friends for the sake of it' which is fair enough if she feels that way but I would be lying if I said I wasn't shocked as it felt like it came out of the blue. We were in regular contact but hadn't seen much of each other recently, that was mainly down to the pandemic I thought. Obviously I will respect her wishes as I'm not going to force someone to be friends with me when they don't want to be.

I get that people grow apart and our lives have gone in different direction but the only thing that has changed recently is me having my first child (who is 7 months). I'm not available to do the same things that I used to be able to do and my focus/priorities have shifted to my child. Have others found they have lost friends when having kids? Am I assuming it's to do with the baby when actually I'm an arsehole? I feel like I'm going to lose other friends for the same reason...

YABU - You've not lost friends
YANBU - You have lost friends

OP posts:

dottypencilcase · 16/07/2021 13:16

Definitely NBU. I lost a large chunk of friends when I got married (part of a huge group of single women who all assumed we'd be single together?). The ones that remained stopped talking to me when we started a family! I suppose they stuck around thinking I might get divorced but when that didn't happen, they scarpered! It was incredibly hurtful to begin with, now? I seriously couldn't give a toss- I barely have time for a shower let alone making small talk with others!

3scape · 16/07/2021 13:17

Most of my friends didn't want children in their lives so obviously we've lost touch now that I have children. A few were nasty about it, most just convinced I'm no longer worth the hassle I guess, I'm not really bothered enough to start chasing them. I've still got the real friends with / without kids. Some people just aren't that invested in the friendship I guess.

ludothedog · 16/07/2021 13:20

Have you heard "friends for a reason, friends for a season and friends for life"?

I have friends from work, friends because of kids and friends from hobby. It's a constantly changing and evolving group. It's really rare to have a small group of friends that follow you throughout life. It's just time to make new friends who are at the same stage of life than you.

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/07/2021 13:23

No, but I was the last of the group to have a baby who wanted one. The others all have some or are happily childfree and we’ve all muddled along fine since the first child was born about 12 years ago.

Youdiditanyway · 16/07/2021 13:24

she felt we were 'just friends for the sake of it'

Who would reach out to someone and say something like that? It’s so rude! I actually can’t believe the front on some people I read about on here. Most people would just let the friendship naturally slide rather than messaging out of the blue to dramatically say they no longer want to be friends.

To answer your question though, yes I have lost friends. I had my DC young and my friends were still out partying so it was understandable they were no longer interested in me. I was ok with it over time and have found new friends more on a wavelength.

Original poster

Pinktruffle · 16/07/2021 13:27

@ludothedog I've not heard that particular saying but I'm aware of the concept. I've had the friends for a reason that have come and gone and also friends for a season. I honestly thought these would be friends for life, even our parents had become friends through us so I thought we were pretty solid. I guess I was wrong. As you say, it's time to move on. I find it hard to make friends (guess I'm a little socially anxious) but I am trying to put myself out there and make some 'mum' friends.

@dottypencilcase and @3scape it's nice to hear that you both don't mind now, I hope I get to that place soon

OP posts:

Cheerio21 · 16/07/2021 13:29

YANBU
Was I upset at first? 100%
Now? 100% happier

Lavender24 · 16/07/2021 13:31

Yes but only because I realized how precious my free time is and I actively pushed away the toxic ones. II still have plenty of friends.

I don't think that woman was ever your friend and you're better off without her. What an awful hurtful thing to say to someone.

Nuggetnugget · 16/07/2021 13:31

Yes. I realised one of my closest friends didn't want me anymore once I married and had a dc. I felt used.
Another friend only used me to moan to or put me done in a sneaky way so I pulled away from her.
Since then I don't really trust anyone. I have made some friends but I don't go out of my way for anyone.

Malin52 · 16/07/2021 13:32

I lost touch with my friends who had children mainly because they were either a. completely flakey and cancelled at the drop of a hat due to some child based minor trauma b. Could only meet up at times that were based around strict schedules that were inconvenient for everyone else (e.g lunch at 11am or 3pm, dinner eaten and completed before 8) or c. bored everyone else to tears with the minutiae of their child's daily activities of eating, shitting and sleeping so we stopped inviting them.

Lord I've tried. We've moved lunches to 3pm to work around toddler naps only to find "oh we've eaten already! We were up at 5am with Annabel!!" We have travel cots and changing mats in a child free house but it seems their new mummy friends are better placed than we are and 'understand us'.

That's fine. We are still here when their kids become teenagers who hate them and they need somewhere to have a gin and some adult conversation.

Bellend101 · 16/07/2021 13:32

Yep. Best friends completely ditched me. I keep myself to myself now and very rarely see other friends (maybe once a year, if that). I find it hard to trust people now.

QueenOfPain · 16/07/2021 13:32

Weird that your friend felt the need to message you to say that! Like she was after a reaction?!

I have friends that I’ve seen more at different parts of my life, then not seen or spoken much to at other parts, and then we’ve picked up again years later when we’re living in the same location again, etc.

I’ve never felt the need to message them and tell them I’m done with them, I think of them all warmly and wish nothing but the best for them, no matter how much time it’s been seen we last spoke or saw each other.

wigglerose · 16/07/2021 13:32

I haven't lost friends since having my daughter. But I do make an effort to arrange things at times that work for everyone.

I lost a friend 5 years ago when she had a baby. She had just moved to the area and I don't think she knew many people. She got a whole new bunch of mum friends and I realised I was the only one who made an effort. When we did meet up she only wanted to talk about herself and her baby. From her perspective I guess we were never close and just drifted apart and she found a group that she had more in common with (kids).

Temple29 · 16/07/2021 13:35

I’ve lost friends too since having children (I’ve 2 under 2). People just aren’t that interested if they don’t have their own and I think it’s hard for them to understand what it’s like. I’m the only one of my friends who has children and I’m 31.

Definitely rude of that woman to message you though. Did you respond?

HarrisMcCoo · 16/07/2021 13:35

Lost loads. Don't have any but don't have time tbh.

AbsolutelyTerrific · 16/07/2021 13:37

Think it depends on your friends situations. I can imagine losing them if you're the first to have children.

I was the last to have children in my friend group and it's brought us together more imo.

QueenOfPain · 16/07/2021 13:40

I guess there’s lots of different types of people out there, some people like children whether they’re child free themselves or not and don’t mind spending time with them. And others only like their own kids, and some others don’t like kids at all and don’t want any.

I don’t have any kids yet, but I do love children and enjoy spending time with them and their parents, so I’ve no qualms about seeing my friends with kids. But in those situations where we’ve seen each other less, it’s always kinda felt like they were the ones who didn’t have time for me, rather than the other way round. But I know the early years are just a stage of life and they don’t last forever and we’ll have more time again one day.

Teacaketotty · 16/07/2021 13:41

I was the only to have children in my friendship group, the others have said they won’t be having any so to be honest we don’t have a whole lot in common compared to 10-15 years ago at the start!

No judgement from me but they don’t understand my priorities and I probably don’t get theirs - I don’t have loads of spare time or cash to go on spa breaks etc so the relationships have gradually broken down - a bit sad but true.

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 16/07/2021 13:45

Happened fo me but the other way round, they had kids and suddenly my best mate doesn't seem to want to know me any more. She has her NCT friends now. I tried to be flexible etc but gave up in the end. It still makes me sad. I'm childfree by choice but still.

LittleTiger007 · 16/07/2021 13:48

Yes.
It did surprise me to be honest. I had wanted children for years and am now in my mid 40s and had a baby two months ago… much longed for as everyone who knows us knows. Many have been thrilled for us. However some with older kids wanted the status quo and don’t like that we now too have a child. (Even though she’s a quiet, placid babe in arms at this point) Four of our ‘childless couple’ friends have dropped us as it’s too painful seeing us with our baby. I for one would have been thrilled to see them happy with a child of my own and I have gone through this countless times over the years, I never once dropped a friend because they had a child.
It’s odd. It’s brought out some unpleasant hidden things in some friendships that we never expected in a million years.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 16/07/2021 13:51

I had a couple of friends with no plans to ever have children (we have had two). Their lives are extremely different to ours, will remain so, and we have naturally drifted apart. I wouldnt expect there to be hard feelings, we just have less in common than we did and that's ok.

Even though we had kids a little before friends, most of our friends were headed in that direction and knew that, and tolerated our changing priorities. Within a couple of years half the group had babies.

Malin52 · 16/07/2021 13:54

@NeilBuchananisBanksy

This.

I've had friends apologise for completely blanking us in the early years now they realise the mummies in the baby groups are not actually friends but someone who was just mildly interested in weaning or the contents of a nappy. And that they were the ones who dropped their child free friends not the other way round now they had their new hobby.

As I said. We are still here when the baby talk goes away. Waiting for our friends to return to normality.

Around all the 'spa breaks' we take of course

jimmyjammy001 · 16/07/2021 13:56

Yeah I've been on the opposite end, trying to meet up with friends who have recently had babies, they don't have the time to meet up because of child care issues, I have been round to visit them but I want to be going out not stuck inside or for a walk in the local park with a baby,
Unfortunately it dosent get much easier as the kids get older as if they can't get child care sorted they have to bring their kids along and when they start playing up it goes straight through me and makes meeting up unenjoyable and politely tell them I'd only be interested in meeting up with out their children present and to let me know when they are next free without them, they are to busy and I never hear back from them, if I had kidstof my own then by all means we could go out for play dates or do children things together, but as I don't, I don't want to be spending my day off with annoying children around.

Lockheart · 16/07/2021 14:00

I'm coming at this from the other side - I've lost friends after they've got married and had children.

I'm the only single one left and my friends have all moved on, they don't really have a place in their lives for a random single person anymore.

My best friend (like you, I thought a friend for life) just slowly stopped replying to my messages after their daughter came along. My last message (sent over a month ago) is still unread.

ivfgottwins · 16/07/2021 14:08

Wow that's really harsh/rude of your (former) friend to message specifically to say that? Why not just let the friendship gradually tail off?

Perhaps there are other complications at play here? Mid 30s it's possible they want children but can't have them for whatever reason and so have distanced themselves because of that? In which case they may come back naturally once they start having their own children?

But to be honest if they can drop you so easily then they aren't worth losing sleep over x

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