Did you lose friends after having a baby?

[Pinktruffle]

I'm sure this subject has been raised here before but I've not seen it.

I'm in my mid 30's but I'm the only one in my (former) close circle of friends who is married and has a child. My close circle of friends met about 15 years ago, we all lived in the same town and did a lot together. A couple of us have moved away and as is natural we have drifted apart a bit but had always met up a few times a year and I had always throughly enjoyed it. Myself and one of the friends have drifted to the point of not speaking anymore but I thought I was still close to the other three. One of them actually messaged me the other day saying that she no longer wished to be friends with me as she felt we were 'just friends for the sake of it' which is fair enough if she feels that way but I would be lying if I said I wasn't shocked as it felt like it came out of the blue. We were in regular contact but hadn't seen much of each other recently, that was mainly down to the pandemic I thought. Obviously I will respect her wishes as I'm not going to force someone to be friends with me when they don't want to be.

I get that people grow apart and our lives have gone in different direction but the only thing that has changed recently is me having my first child (who is 7 months). I'm not available to do the same things that I used to be able to do and my focus/priorities have shifted to my child. Have others found they have lost friends when having kids? Am I assuming it's to do with the baby when actually I'm an arsehole? I feel like I'm going to lose other friends for the same reason...

YABU - You've not lost friends
YANBU - You have lost friends

Not friends, but certainly family members.

None of my core group have really got down to this yet. And at least two have announced no intention to have DC. My one friend who is as broody & anxious as I am atm has struggled with her other friendship group settling down.

I don't want to possibly go first and lose them- especially if I feel I have been a bad friend. I also dread any of them announcing a baby the way I feel atm too. I think perhaps your friend had more going on than she was letting on, OP.

Oh, OP, that’s awful! It sounds like the friend who dropped you really lives for the drama, otherwise she would have said nothing and drifted away.

This has sort of happened to me. My core friend group met in school 18 years ago, and aside from me, all are single with no kids. The only reason I haven’t completely lost them is that I’m very selective about what I tell them about my DD - which is tough, as I’m a SAHM with nothing else going on in my life except my toddler. In group calls/chats it can feel like I’m a dumping ground for everyone else’s problems/experiences as I can’t discuss mine.

They have met up without me twice during the pandemic, which never happened before I had DD.

I know this makes me seem like a pushover, but I had a lot of “friends for a season” pre pandemic attached to a social hobby I’ve grown out of, so this friend group is all I have left.

It should get better as your kid gets older. Hang in there.

Don't have any friends to begin with so I'm ok. I admit I get a bit lonely but from past experiences I remember for the most part people are nasty.

Yep, my (gay) best friend was upset when my status changed from fag hag into breeder. I wasn't available at the drop of a hat to be involved in his drama and big nights out. He threw a hissy fit and we didn't talk for 10 yrs.

Nope. None of my group of oldest friends (met at 11 at start of secondary school) have had kids, whereas I’ve had 4 over the last 2 decades. There have been times where I’ve missed out on the odd night out or mini-break, or we’ve all not seen each other for a while due to work and distance but that’s all. We have remained good friends and I’m still as much a part of the group as I ever was! But then they’re keepers

But I should say, don’t worry about your lost, rude friend. I’ve made loads of mum friends over the years and some have become really good lasting friendships, that I hope to keep for life!

I think lockdown is also a big factor putting pressure on friendships. I've found a few longed-for reunions/ meetings to actually be a bit awkward when they take place. Not because you haven't missed the person but because we've lost the art of talking naturally to people and the only thing we've got to talk about is lockdown!

Plus minor slights and misunderstandings that previously may have been shrugged off can get magnified when the person has too much time to dwell on them.

@Malin52

I lost touch with my friends who had children mainly because they were either a. completely flakey and cancelled at the drop of a hat due to some child based minor trauma b. Could only meet up at times that were based around strict schedules that were inconvenient for everyone else (e.g lunch at 11am or 3pm, dinner eaten and completed before 8) or c. bored everyone else to tears with the minutiae of their child's daily activities of eating, shitting and sleeping so we stopped inviting them.

Lord I've tried. We've moved lunches to 3pm to work around toddler naps only to find "oh we've eaten already! We were up at 5am with Annabel!!" We have travel cots and changing mats in a child free house but it seems their new mummy friends are better placed than we are and 'understand us'.

That's fine. We are still here when their kids become teenagers who hate them and they need somewhere to have a gin and some adult conversation.

This is very relatable. I really tried to accommodate friends with babies and toddlers, trekking across town to visit them, meeting early in the morning, being generous with gifts, brushing off cancellation s etc... And yet it was never enough/the right thing/I "didn't understand" due to not being a mum. After a while it got too painful as I was childless not by choice and I preferred to spend weekends resting or spending time in more balanced friendships. I'm actually now pregnant in my late 30s and have vowed to be more gracious to childless or childfree friends now it's my turn. No one needs to come to my home in outer suburbia at 9am on a Saturday morning to watch me spoon mashed avocado into a toddler's mouth while I ignore them. OP - my personal rant aside, I'm really sorry to hear about how your friend treated you. Absolutely bang out of order and totally uncalled for. Sounds like she is projecting.

Yes I literally have 1 friend at 36 years old and even that feels forced. My best friend just stopped talking to me it was so sad and my life is busy and fulfilled with my children but I do miss having someone to talk about everything and anything and going out just for a meal and having a personal life. Sometimes being a parent can be so rewarding but can be such a lonely place. Sorry that sounds so depressing I'm usually happy but it just made me reflect 😔.

I think it depends on both sides and the strength of the friendship in the first instance. I have seen friendships get very one sided when children come along and conversation gets pretty boring when it only relates to baby’s and children.

I'm actually now pregnant in my late 30s and have vowed to be more gracious to childless or childfree friends now it's my turn. No one needs to come to my home in outer suburbia at 9am on a Saturday morning to watch me spoon mashed avocado into a toddler's mouth while I ignore them.

This is also my policy but my top tip here is that it means just not having your children present when you see your friends. Because what I didn't get before I had children - perhaps you do - is that early morning while they're being fed is the most amiable most toddlers get, and so your friends were probably giving you the most attention they probably could while caring for their child. They were probably doing the best job they could of combining both. And, as you rightly note, it was shit. I opt for never arranging meet ups with friends without children while I have sole care for my children and it's so much nicer for everyone but a) inevitably that means I have a lot fewer opportunities to see friends (but it's so much nicer when I do that I think it's worth it) and b) obviously this advice is pretty rough on anyone who is a single parent or who has a partner who works weekends

.

It's just different priorities. One friend that had a child was still a joy to be around and was really chilled, another was an anxious mess that really struggled. Constant bickering with her husband and tiny inconveniences becoming major traumas quickly became very draining and I think she gravitated towards other new parents. That's not wrong but obviously changes the relationship and she didn't become someone I wanted to xhat with very often. She's on her second now and thankfully finding it much easier so is better to spend time with again! Btw I supported her as much as I could as a childfree person.

I lost some friends when they had kids and I didn’t ( I was struggling with infertility and never did get pregnant). I did try, went to see them took gifts for the babies but it just seemed to be one way from that point forward. It was like we were on different planets.

I’ve been on both sides of this.

By pure chance, almost all of my closest friends had their first baby in the same year, which happened to be the year DH and I got married (several heavily pregnant bridesmaids, anyone? ). So I was a few years ‘behind’ them.

I worked hard to maintain my friendships with them and they reciprocated, but I’m not going to lie, it was very hard at times. Sharp words were exchanged more than once, because both sides felt abandoned and not ‘seen’. I struggled with the fact that my previously sociable, funny, intelligent, interesting friends had turned overnight into baby-obsessed bores who never left the house. I found their inflexibility infuriating and became frustrated by having to arrange my social life around their seemingly incomprehensible new timetables and requirements. One friend in particular seemed to have had a total personality transplant and I felt like I was actually grieving for the person I had known. But in turn I could sense that they were often irritated by me and my continued interest in ‘unimportant’ things like going out, and my inability to relate to any of their baby issues.

As a result, DH and I started to gravitate naturally towards the other child-free members of our wider social circle (an older couple, a gay male couple, an intentionally childless M/F couple, and one or two singles) and became much closer to them, which was actually really nice. It was a fun two or three years, albeit tempered by a bit of sadness at the fracturing of the group due to the absence (most of the time) of the friends with babies.

Then we had our DS and the tables turned. Suddenly the fun, childless group didn’t really want us any more, but we almost instantly reconnected with the kiddie friends, several of whom were by then having their second DC. It was as though the intervening three years had never happened! So it’s swings and roundabouts, I’d say.

@Hardbackwriter

I'm actually now pregnant in my late 30s and have vowed to be more gracious to childless or childfree friends now it's my turn. No one needs to come to my home in outer suburbia at 9am on a Saturday morning to watch me spoon mashed avocado into a toddler's mouth while I ignore them.

This is also my policy but my top tip here is that it means just not having your children present when you see your friends. Because what I didn't get before I had children - perhaps you do - is that early morning while they're being fed is the most amiable most toddlers get, and so your friends were probably giving you the most attention they probably could while caring for their child. They were probably doing the best job they could of combining both. And, as you rightly note, it was shit. I opt for never arranging meet ups with friends without children while I have sole care for my children and it's so much nicer for everyone but a) inevitably that means I have a lot fewer opportunities to see friends (but it's so much nicer when I do that I think it's worth it) and b) obviously this advice is pretty rough on anyone who is a single parent or who has a partner who works weekends

This is actually a really useful perspective - thanks! I'm fortunate to have a husband who works mostly Monday-Friday so once the baby is weaned I'm hoping I can have the odd opportunity to see friends without the kiddo being present. Probably good for everyone's sanity!

ATT I genuinely thought I'd lost friends some were mid career when I got pregnant, now I see we were busy in different paths, the group meet every Christmas and at weddings etc there is a mix of no DC, grown DC, young DC but no babies.
They're all hilarious, we're friends from 12 so we have very different lifestyles from solicitor's to carers. We keep finances, political views, DC in the no chat zone, we reminisce about our teenage antics and think we are SITC ladies for a night again.

I lost a lot of friends when they had babies - I put a lot of effort in at first; remembered b’days, babysat, etc. But it got really hard after a while when you realised it was all one way, and I drifted. Every now and again I’d get a passive-aggressive message from one in particular, as to why I hadn’t been in touch, when the reason I hadn’t been in touch was because she was busy every weekend taking three daughters to cheerleading, dancing or acting classes, and I couldn’t meet up during the week when she was at home.

I also found it really fucking hard when another pregnancy was announced, as someone who is childless by circumstance. My oldest three friends popped out eleven kids in ten years when I couldn’t find a boyfriend, and I just felt like a total failure, watching them move forwards with their lives while I stood still. When I did organise a get together they always brought their kids, and just talked about their kids, and I felt very much like a spare part. We are still in touch but I gravitated to friends without kids, and things won’t be the same.

I had two who I thought were best friends for 20 years plus. I snook in two babies aged 40 and 43. We were all single then wham, I met somebody. Nobody was more surprised than me. 😆

I was determined not to talk babies and one of them said 'well done for not banging about it!' I wanted to though.

I had no nearby family and was quite lonely.

I was quickly relegated to diary fodder. 😞

DD is 2.5. I have three very close mum friends and lots of lovely mum acquaintances but I’ve hung onto my old friends for dear life too. They really know me!

It can be tough as having a newborn is overwhelming and sometimes the last thing I wanted to do was go out for drinks or schlep over somewhere but my friends understood this and gave me time.

Peaks and troughs over time, especially with covid, but the good ones when you finally catch up again feels like nothing has changed. I've actually found it helpful to weed people out- those who actually give a shit and those who don't make me feel like shit when we finally get together.

I've never had anyone actively end a friendship though doesn't sound like the kind of person I'd want to mix with. Normally it just fizzles.

@Wheresmycheese

I'm on the opposite side of you, I'm childfree and I've lost friends when they've had children. It's really sad but it gets better with time (cliche I know).

Same. I wasn't invited to a group lunch (without kids) because 'we'll be doing baby talk and you won't get it, we're in the next stage of life now and it's hard to relate'. I wouldn't particularly have enjoyed the baby chat, I've no interest in them, but I'd have liked to have spent time with my friends and a fair few have made it very clear that they're 'ahead' of me (despite me not wanting children) now and that they feel I don't fit in.

But none of that is specific to having or not having children, really, they're just rude - and your ex-friend sounds very, very rude OP.