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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think this isn't a joke.....

39 replies

Blessedbethefruit01 · 16/07/2021 08:15

I hate when people say something and then follow it with " ah I'm just joking" when the other person doesn't find it funny/takes offense to it.
My abusive ex always used to do this to me and eventually when I got upset he would tell me I'm too sensitive.
My now current partner goes on about me "doing nothing" and she works really hard. But apparently that's a joke. I'm a full time student so currently I have 4 months off. I have a small business too and look after my DS and home.
I've told her it's beginning to grate on me and it's not funny. She said sorry but this morning she done it again. Said she's on her way to work and bets I'm still in bed. This was at 7am! Not like I'm in bed until 1pm.
It's not a "joke" and I dont find it funny.

OP posts:
ColettesEarrings · 16/07/2021 08:17

Yanbu, it's called gaslighting and it would have me wondering about the long term future of a relationship with a partner who doesn't seem to want to change when she knows you find something very hurtful...

SameToo · 16/07/2021 08:21

Urgh I hate this. I agree with @ColettesEarrings

Livingintheclouds · 16/07/2021 08:23

Well of course they are not just joking but are resenting whatever the thing is. Time to have a frank discussion about her and your expectations about the relationship. Does she feel you don't contribute enough financially? How much the does the small business take up? What are your plans once you leave education?
This will just fester unless you address it.

Saidtoomuch · 16/07/2021 08:23

I hate this passive aggressive jokey rubbish. If she's saying it regularly then it clearly isn't a joke.

MimiDaisy11 · 16/07/2021 08:24

Yes it’s annoying. You’ve said it annoys you but they continue. It doesn’t reflect well on themz

Nonmaquillee · 16/07/2021 08:25

Passive aggressive. I hate it too. They say something nasty/snide/insulting then if you show any upset, anger or confusion, tell you it was a joke or “just bantah”, thereby making you out to be a humourless fool.
I actively avoid people like this and couldn’t be in a relationship with someone who did this. I draw attention to it every time I come across it so that my DC also know it for what it is.

MoreAloneTime · 16/07/2021 08:25

Some people see "I was joking" as a kind of get out of jail free card for being a twat

ThinWomansBrain · 16/07/2021 08:30

Why are you with this woman?
She appears to have little respect for you - with the comments themselves, or that she continues when she is aware that you are uncomfortable/hurt by them.
you've had one abusive ex - leave, let her become a second - or if not quite abusive, it really doesn't sound like a good base for a healthy relationship.

Brefugee · 16/07/2021 08:34

Sack her off and find someone who isn't nasty inder the "joke" banner?

FrankButchersDickieBow · 16/07/2021 08:37

Ah yes the passive aggressive 'haha joking' behaviour. So if you call them out on it they can say 'chill out I was only having a laugh'

It's nasty behaviour.

FelicityPike · 16/07/2021 08:39

It’s the same as the bastardisation of the Scottish word BANTER.
People use banter now to try and disguise all manner of bullying.
They’re not joking or kidding at all, it’s mean.

wedswench · 16/07/2021 08:39

Yep "I was joking" is text book gaslighting

Original poster
Blessedbethefruit01 · 16/07/2021 08:41

The thing is, it's just this one thing. She does it with nothing else.
Her job is pretty intense and she brings her work home with her as she needs to.
My life in comparison isn't intense like that but when I'm back at uni with assignments I will be busy. Then my business is seasonal so leading up to Xmas I will be crazy busy.
But atm all she can see is I'm at home plodding along and not doing much when this isn't the case at all!
She made a dig and said I dont do anything in front of her neighbour and that was when I said no, it's not funny I don't like you saying that because I do stuff.
It obviously bugs her and she is saying stuff in a passively agresssive way.

OP posts:
WilsonMilson · 16/07/2021 08:42

It’s not a joke, she resents you and thinks you’re lazy. She’s just doesn’t want to confront you about it so is having not so sly digs about it.
Sounds like a horrible way to live, you’ll end up walking on eggshells and doubting yourself.

Merryoldgoat · 16/07/2021 08:45

You’ve spoken to her, she carries on.

So you have to decide whether it’s something you’re going to put up with it not because she’s not changing.

Bigtruth · 16/07/2021 08:47

I'd be tempted to go along with "the joke". I'd laugh and say "ah yes, I'm sleeping most of the day, it's a shame you haven't learned to work as efficiently as me or you could rest too". "Give me a shout if you need any tips".

This frames your free time as lack of organisation on their part. It'll infuriate them but you are only joking. If you stick at it they'll just stop bringing it up.

Youdiditanyway · 16/07/2021 08:49

It’s abusive. My abusive ex also used to do this to me. He used to regularly insult the way I looked, my dress sense, my taste in books/films, pretty much anything he could tbh then he would dress it up as a joke. It isn’t funny, it’s abuse.

catless · 16/07/2021 08:55

Why does she think you have to be doing stuff all the time? This would drive me mad.

Original poster
Blessedbethefruit01 · 16/07/2021 09:08

@catless

Why does she think you have to be doing stuff all the time? This would drive me mad.
Well this is another thing. She can't not do anything. She has to be doing stuff at all times! Literally doesn't stop. Think it stems from her mum, she says she's lazy and doesn't want to turn out like her mum. I've said to her but it's ok to just rest now and then and not be on the go 24/7. She ends up burning her self out. I'm a more chilled out person, I work hard but I have a balance in my life. I know that sometimes you need to rest or just sit down and have a cup of tea. Her on the other hand gets antsy if she does this.
OP posts:
Original poster
Blessedbethefruit01 · 16/07/2021 09:46

@Bigtruth

I'd be tempted to go along with "the joke". I'd laugh and say "ah yes, I'm sleeping most of the day, it's a shame you haven't learned to work as efficiently as me or you could rest too". "Give me a shout if you need any tips".

This frames your free time as lack of organisation on their part. It'll infuriate them but you are only joking. If you stick at it they'll just stop bringing it up.

Yes this is a good way of dealing with it
OP posts:
Chamomileteaplease · 16/07/2021 10:38

She sounds hard work. I hope she has lots of plus points because she isn't sounding like a great partner Confused.

wedswench · 16/07/2021 10:40

Putting you down in front out f others us also toxic behaviour

LittleTiger007 · 16/07/2021 10:46

@ColettesEarrings

Yanbu, it's called gaslighting and it would have me wondering about the long term future of a relationship with a partner who doesn't seem to want to change when she knows you find something very hurtful...
This.

Sit her down and say: “I have told you how I feel about this. The fact that it keep happening upsets me and undermines me”. If she’s reasonable then she will feel truly bad and will make an effort to stop it. Maybe it’s a learned behaviour and she just needs to truly know how much it upsets you, give her this chance.
However if it continues then it is gaslighting and it’s controlling, demeaning and abusive.

Tlollj · 16/07/2021 10:50

Perhaps she means it. If she keeps saying it perhaps she does think you’re lazy. Then when questioned she tries to turn it into a joke.
You need to have this out with her one way or another it’s going to fester.

Jurassicparkinajug · 16/07/2021 10:54

My dad does this, always puts me down then says he's only joking. It's not a joke if it's upsetting the other person.

I can however sympathise with your partner about not being able to chill out. I can't settle if there's stuff to do, I almost feel a bit anxious until it's done. So it drives me mad when my husband wants to relax and watch TV on a weekend morning when there's stuff to do. He leaves jobs until 4pm on a sun then runs out of time. I should be more understanding cause he works so hard during the week but I can't help it.

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