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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How should I respond to teenage DS?

66 replies

Fandangoes · 16/07/2021 06:09

I am at a loss and would appreciate advice. Had a huge row with DS last night. He has always been a fairly easy kid although always been pretty lazy. He is now 17 and has started to get more difficult. He doesn’t have a lot of chores but I do expect him to keep his bedroom reasonable or not littered with dirty plates and cups, food wrappers etc and I expect him to put his dishes in the dishwasher. I came hone from work last night to dishes all over the side, kitchen worktops smeared with food and crumbs his belongings all over the place etc. I had to ask him 3 times to clear it up. I had asked him to empty the dishwasher whilst I was out at work but apparently it hadn’t washed so he just left it - he said he didn’t know how to turn it on! Anyway things escalated, he started just shouting over me, I asked him to stop doing that but he got really quite aggressive told me to fucking shut up he was sick of listening to me say the same things. I told him not to swear he called me childish they are just words he’ll used them if he wants, he called me a dick and a vile person because I’m always having a go at him etc etc. I tried to stay calm but I did tell him that he could use whatever language he wanted with his friends but I did not want him swearing in front of me and if he could t respect that he could find somewhere else to live as his behaviour was not acceptable. I also told him that from now on he could wash his own clothes, make his own meals, get himself up for work and get the bus because I wasn’t doing anything for him anymore, I had had enough. He just continued to shout at me so I went to bed. I’m not sure how best to handle this. I do end up nagging him because he doesn’t do a thing he is told and it drives me mad. I don’t see why I should have to come home from work to his mess. Any advice on what I do next would be appreciated

OP posts:

MagnificentBottom · 16/07/2021 09:04

Choose your battles, stay calm, when they become abusive walk away with a breezy ‘we’ll talk when you remember your manners’.

In terms of the laziness, I’ve actually given up on trying to get mine to do any chores, not ideal but I just can’t deal with the tension and arguments. Just learn to detach and drink more wine. Good luck 🤞

MoiraNotRuby · 16/07/2021 09:04

You are doing really well you know. With my 16 year old I try to stay pleasant even when I'm raging inside. Because they need to learn not to shout when they are pissed off.

If I can think of a natural consequence thats what I go for. Generally he wants a lift somewhere... I can't take him until the kitchen is cleaned up or we will get an ant problem... but I also have to send an email for work... so while I do the email he cleans up after himself (at last)...

I am definitely not as strict as I want to be, but DS says I'm more strict than anyone else in the world And I keep in mind these adolescents got locked down for a year, they are bound to be hard work.

MoiraNotRuby · 16/07/2021 09:06

@Horehound

Fuck that if he has been switching off your electricity that you work and pay for. Entitled little brat.

Get his bag packed, tell him to go and remind him that since he won't be living with you he will now have to do ALL jobs for himself.

I think that would shock him enough to buck up his ideas and when he starts looking at rent prices I'm sure that'll open his eyes.

Horehound · 16/07/2021 09:09

Not yet but I was one and witnessed my brother being a brat too..

I'm sick of hearing about the bad year they had, we ALL had it. He's been calling his mother vile names, isn't sorry about swearing at her, didn't respect her when she asked him to stop, treats the house like a hovel and expects her to clean up after him.

Nope. Not on at all and patience isn't going to change that, it going to teach him silly little mummy will just keep doing it all even after he speaks to her like shit. Great!

LindaEllen · 16/07/2021 09:09

I'm in a similar situation with 17yo DSS at the moment. Literally all we expect him to do is keep his bedroom tidy (he doesn't), do his own washing (he waits until every item he owns is dirty and then puts a wash on for the 2 items he wants to wear the next day, then puts them in the dryer for an hour instead of hanging them out), and wash up after dinner - which I cook (he will do this, but does it so fast so he can be finished that there's still food on a lot of the dishes and cutlery).

It's becoming exhausting.

He just makes toast and leaves the crumbs on the side, cuts it directly on the worktop and has scratched a brand new worktop, leaves empty bottles/packets on the side even though he has to walk past the bin to leave the room.. it's honestly getting to me. And he's recently announced that he's not going to uni in September anymore. He works 3 shifts a week at McDonald's and he says he's happy with that as it leaves him with plenty of money and plenty of free time to go out.

I don't think I can live like this.

Horehound · 16/07/2021 09:10

And if you read my comment properly it is a suggestion to make him have a shock and get on line. Not actually move out although if he did, it sounds like a bonus to me ;)

Horehound · 16/07/2021 09:13

The thing that really annoys me about this is the few BFs i had were all lazy bastards too because their mums (yes I know dad's could have too but it was the mums that did it all in these cases) did everything for them. I broke up with them all because they just never did a single sodding thing in the places we lived together and I blame the parents for not instilling values in them to act like a bloody adult
It's absolutely pathetic.

Weenurse · 16/07/2021 09:13

I sat mine down at 16 and had a chat.
It went along the line of … we all live here, we all work and study and we all contribute to the mess. We are all going to contribute to running the house, although Dad and I pay the bills. Basically treated it like a house share and refused to do their job.
We then talked about jobs and responsibilities around the house.
Cooking and cleaning was agreed to.
They do their own washing and rooms.
23 and 25 now and we survived.

Horehound · 16/07/2021 09:15

@LindaEllen my parents would be saying to me "if you aren't going to uni then you're paying rent."
So it's a choice of loss of money I make or not losing anything but going to uni...

mungo8 · 16/07/2021 09:22

I have a Dd who behaves terribly but is always difficult. My Ds is lovely but yes lazy although if he started to behave how your son is I would be concerned there was something else going on and would sit down and try and have a chat especially if it's out of character. Hope things improve

Babdoc · 16/07/2021 09:23

OP well done for asserting your boundaries. His behaviour is totally unacceptable. You must now hold firm to your line - don’t do anything for him until he apologises.
If you cave in, and start doing his cooking and washing again, you will be showing him that your threats are meaningless and he can ignore them in future.
Once he has apologised, you need a discussion with him about the minimum standards of civilised behaviour in your house. And draw up a contract of exactly what his responsibilities are with regard to chores in future.
You need to command his respect, not just affection. You are his parent, and he needs to acknowledge that.

Original poster

Fandangoes · 16/07/2021 09:27

to the PP that said I have let him get away with doing jack shit for years then changed the rules, that's really not true. I have always brought him up to do jobs, admittedly not loads but both kids had to do chores. He used to do them or he wouldn't get his pocket money, I've always had to remind him to do the jobs but it only rarely came to an arguement. He has just changed in the last few months, he has grown loads and just stretching his muscles I think. I will try and have a calmer conversation with him tonight. I agree I need to make him realise it is not ok in life to shout at women like that. He really is a good kid on the whole, I need to keep reminding myself of that. I just feel so upset today!

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 16/07/2021 09:29

@Fandangoes

I have changed the wifi password before but he is more tech savvy than me and then none of my things work like the tv or my Alexa or we’ll just anything!! And it was me suffering more than him!!! Also the electricity fuse box is in his bedroom so he has turned the power off on me before now!!

Then he’s a bully

Original poster

Fandangoes · 16/07/2021 09:29

he now has a part-time job so doesn't rely on me for pocket money so that bribe has gone

OP posts:

Kanaloa · 16/07/2021 09:29

Presumably you pay for his phone, pocket money? He needs to know shouting and aggressive behaviour towards you is totally unacceptable.

The sort of man who will kick off and scream/act aggressive/swear at a woman because she has pointed out the blatant disrespect of expecting a woman to clear up his disgusting mess is not who you want your son to be.

coodawoodashooda · 16/07/2021 09:32

Yeah op. I think you are doing really well too. You definitely need to get back in charge of your own electricity. Im angry about that for you.

Nanny0gg · 16/07/2021 09:32

@LindaEllen

It's becoming exhausting.

I don't think I can live like this.

Then he starts paying rent

JaceLancs · 16/07/2021 09:33

I would pick your battles
When my DC were teens - I never entered their rooms - doors shut and totally up to them how messy n dirty they were
Communal areas had to be kept to my standards or privileges such as WiFi were removed
Although at 17 they both had part time jobs I still bought their food, most of their clothes and paid mobile costs - if they didn’t do their share of chores I would only buy the basic necessities so no soft drinks, crisps, biscuits or snacks
It worked well for me and didn’t need to be done for very long
The swearing and shouting is a separate matter - once all calmed down can you talk about how you can communicate better with each other in future?
DD was a flouncer - DS more placid - but I often had to be the one to walk away or step back to de escalate a situation - doesn’t mean to say I backed down over what it was about though!

Kanaloa · 16/07/2021 09:33

Oh he doesn’t get pocket money. Well you do pay for the house he lives in, his food, etc. It’s horrible behaviour and he needs to know if it continues there will be serious consequences. If it was my son I’d be setting it out that if he wanted to be abusive he’d wouldn’t be living with me.

He is 17 years old, not a little boy. At that age I had 2 kids, ran my own house. He’s more than capable of controlling his temper, and won’t abuse people at work/college when he’s asked to pull his weight. Don’t excuse him or he’ll learn that it’s accepted behaviour.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 16/07/2021 09:33

I have one like this.
I don't know what to do either.
I wish he moved out

Original poster

Fandangoes · 16/07/2021 09:34

@LindaEllen - with older DD we said if she wanted to leave school and not go on to higher education she would have to pay rent, it lasted 1 month and she decided to go to college!

OP posts:

AlternativePerspective · 16/07/2021 09:39

Do you have a teenager? They have been through a lot recently and don't have the maturity to handle it brilliantly. I think they need patience and understanding. Not told they are brats and made to leave home. I do. And frankly I’m fed up with the “it’s just what teenagers do/we need to be understanding/give them some slack because they’ve had a hard time.” Haven’t we all…

Yesterday there was a thread where a teenager was eating all the food in the house and there were actually posters suggesting that clearly the OP doesn’t buy enough food because there should be an endless amount of it for teenagers.

These over indulged brats grow up to be entitled adults who are incapable of getting by in the real world because they’ve never been told no or expected to empathise.

If they want to be treated like grownups, then they need to act like them.

My DS has said to me in the past “I’m an adult,” to which my response has been “just because you’re an adult, doesn’t mean you’re a grownup.”

@LindaEllen would be telling your DS that you wonder where he’ll be getting the time to go out since he’ll have to increase his shifts at McDonalds in order to pay you the £200 a month rent you will now be requiring.

I’m all for kids not going to uni if they don’t want to, it’s not for everyone. But if they think that not going to uni means they get to doss around at home rent free then they should think again.

Not going to uni equals you go out and get a bloody job.

Horehound · 16/07/2021 09:44

See! I don't have a teen but I did suggest to Linda to charge rent and seems that's what the other mums would do too. It's common sense and what my parents did to me!
Although my parents went to live abroad when I was 15/16 for 15 years so I grew up fast living on my own! Seems like a lot of people underestimate how capable their children are.

Original poster

Fandangoes · 16/07/2021 10:00

Thank you to those of you that have told me I am doing well, you have made me feel a bit better because I was really feeling like a totally useless awful Mum this morning.

OP posts:

Horehound · 16/07/2021 10:03

Well that's what he aimed for, isn't it? To put you in your place so you keep doing it all.

You need to get tough

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