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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want these gifts

30 replies

NoProblama · 15/07/2021 22:17

I am NC with my mother after a whole lifetime of emotional, mental and physical abuse. Today she showed up while we were not home and dropped loads of gifts into my neighbours house for me and my kids with loads of cards and writing attached about how much she loves and misses us etc.

I hate sounding ungrateful and I feel like such an arsehole even thinking it. But I'm angry and frustrated that she showed up at my house unannounced with gifts that I personally see as items to try to guilt trip me into speaking to her. I don't really know what to do and I feel like dh thinks I'm a bit mad for feeling angry about the whole thing but I really do just want her to leave me alone. I've blocked her on all platforms for this reason and I just feel really disrespected by this but then I see the 'gifts' for the kids and feel bad if I don't give them to them because they're theirs not mine.

I suppose my question is am I overreacting? And what would you do with the gifts?

OP posts:
EspressoDoubleShot · 15/07/2021 22:20

No you’re not overreacting. She’s insincere and probably being a show parent
Give the stuff to GP or HV they’ll know a family in need

Cherrysoup · 15/07/2021 22:23

Charity shop and tell the neighbours to refuse any further gifts she leaves.

DowntonCrabby · 15/07/2021 22:26

Exactly as @Cherrysoup suggests.

She’s shitting on your boundaries but you can maintain them and move on.

Justmuddlingalong · 15/07/2021 22:28

Can you return them by courier?

EspressoDoubleShot · 15/07/2021 22:32

But the courier involves engaging and it will provoke a response from the mother
Gp or HV know who is in need, who will be a happy recipient

tiredmama2020 · 15/07/2021 22:35

@NoProblama Agree with others. GP/HV or local food bank etc will know a family that they can go to.

If you’ve had a lifetime of emotional, mental and physical abuse from her then your kids aren’t missing out on anything by not getting stuff from her!

Original poster
NoProblama · 15/07/2021 22:36

@Justmuddlingalong

Can you return them by courier?
I can't she delivered them herself, the neighbours daughter got them off her and told him who it was. I honestly feel like moving house just to get away from her but it's not even really an option I just feel really trapped and like I can't escape her. I really do just want to be left alone I don't understand why she can't respect that it's so draining
OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 15/07/2021 22:36

OP wouldn't have to say anything to her mum if she used a courier. If her mum's not in, the parcel could be left with one of her neighbours.

EspressoDoubleShot · 15/07/2021 22:38

But the parcel will arrive at recipient eg her mum. It'll potentially start a response. It’s too provocative to courier back unless op want to make a point

Justmuddlingalong · 15/07/2021 22:40

Fair enough, but I think it's more provocative not returning them.

tiredmama2020 · 15/07/2021 22:42

@EspressoDoubleShot

But the parcel will arrive at recipient eg her mum. It'll potentially start a response. It’s too provocative to courier back unless op want to make a point
Completely agree with this. Don’t even engage with her. You went NC for a reason. Donate the gifts and forget about them. Tell the neighbours to please not accept anything else from her
LittleRed53 · 15/07/2021 22:46

I agree about not being under any obligation to return them to her- it's still a form of engagement, which is what she's obviously after.

You're not overreacting to be angry. Me and my sister are NC with our mum, and each time she decides to just force herself on one or other of us, I feel the same anger. She's acting in her own interests, not yours.

EspressoDoubleShot · 15/07/2021 22:52

Unfortunately your mum is provocative and trying to elicit a response
Turing up at neighbour all gracious and bearing gifts like dutiful grandma
It’s prescriptive, she knows what she’s doing it’s purposeful and intentional to elicit a response and hurt the op

staringstepan · 15/07/2021 22:53

Do you know her address? If so package them up and have them sent back to her.

Uramaki · 15/07/2021 22:56

@Cherrysoup

Charity shop and tell the neighbours to refuse any further gifts she leaves.
I don't think it's fair to ask the neighbours to get too involved though. You could maybe ask them to refuse but if she seems persistent then take them and you'll deal with it.
Original poster
NoProblama · 15/07/2021 23:00

I do agree with you here. I understand what the poster means but I can't in good conscience expect my neighbours to stand in the middle and tell her no. Especially on days like today where their young daughter answered the door. It's not fair on them. The poster means well though and I think depending on relationship with your neighbour it could work, but not in my case.

OP posts:
Original poster
NoProblama · 15/07/2021 23:01

@Uramaki that was in response to you sorry

OP posts:
ahoyshipmates · 15/07/2021 23:03

Thank the neighbour, take the stuff and then throw the whole lot in your wheelie bin. Job done.

EspressoDoubleShot · 15/07/2021 23:06

No don’t bin the stuff, give it to someone who’ll appreciate it

Chickenyhead · 15/07/2021 23:09

Just keep it and blank her.

She'll soon get bored of wasting her money.

Above all else don't fall for the guilt.

Don't open the door to her.

Gingerkittykat · 15/07/2021 23:12

I would find some way to return it, even if it is leaving it on her doorstep it a black bag with a note saying not to contact you again.

If you keep the gifts she can hold it over you by saying you are happy to take her gifts but deny her from seeing her grandkids or something similar.

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/07/2021 23:15

It’s a shame your husband doesn’t understand how strongly you feel and isn’t more supportive.

I’d get rid of them however feels easiest to you. Charity or bin. You don’t have to explain yourself to anyone.

You can’t let your DC keep them. You’d have to explain where they came from, why you don’t have a relationship with her, why they can’t say thank you. You’ll feel angry and resentful every time you see them.

She’s trampling all over your boundaries, it’s what she does. It’s your job to keep your DC safe from negative toxic influences. They need a happy mum, not a bunch of crap from someone who doesn’t respect their mum.

Sorry you’re dealing with this.

billy1966 · 15/07/2021 23:17

Into the boot of your car and straight to a charity shop.

You have made yourself clear.
This is her disrespecting you further.
Don't bring them into the house.
Into the car to be donated.

Flowers
Pixxie7 · 15/07/2021 23:52

I think you need to consider how you would feel if she died if the answer is you really wouldn’t care do nothing. If not send the gifts back with a note explaining why you feel the way you do.
As people age they change and want to put things right.

EspressoDoubleShot · 15/07/2021 23:55

That’s very charming but wholly unrealistic I’m afraid. Age doesn’t necessarily render people motel mellow or nice. It simply means they’re an older git. Op need to protect herself,her family not get tangled in societal expectations or norms of ohh she’s your mother…be nice