To not want these gifts

[NoProblama]

I am NC with my mother after a whole lifetime of emotional, mental and physical abuse. Today she showed up while we were not home and dropped loads of gifts into my neighbours house for me and my kids with loads of cards and writing attached about how much she loves and misses us etc.

I hate sounding ungrateful and I feel like such an arsehole even thinking it. But I'm angry and frustrated that she showed up at my house unannounced with gifts that I personally see as items to try to guilt trip me into speaking to her. I don't really know what to do and I feel like dh thinks I'm a bit mad for feeling angry about the whole thing but I really do just want her to leave me alone. I've blocked her on all platforms for this reason and I just feel really disrespected by this but then I see the 'gifts' for the kids and feel bad if I don't give them to them because they're theirs not mine.

I suppose my question is am I overreacting? And what would you do with the gifts?

@Pixxie7

I think you need to consider how you would feel if she died if the answer is you really wouldn’t care do nothing. If not send the gifts back with a note explaining why you feel the way you do. As people age they change and want to put things right.

Do you have any experience of toxic relatives?

When people who have been abusive, damaging and awful die it’s often a blessed relief.

And as if people get nicer as they age. They often become entrenched in their unpleasant ways and lash out more as they feel their influence and control is waning.

You sound very naive.

@Pixxie7

I think you need to consider how you would feel if she died if the answer is you really wouldn’t care do nothing. If not send the gifts back with a note explaining why you feel the way you do. As people age they change and want to put things right.

Do you think people go no contact lightly without ever explaining themselves? I've told my mum for decades she is a controlling, interfering so and so. So has my DH. Yet she still denies me ever saying this to her.

I think you should send the whole lot back and ask her to never send anything again. Tell her you don’t want a relationship with her because of the past abuse and not to contact you again. If she does, take out an injunction.

Relatives like this are a nightmare, it wouldn't surprise me if she hadn't dripped a bit of poison about you into your neighbours ear to gain favour either.

I've been through very similar things and either way, you can't win. If you keep them/bin them without her knowledge you are likely to be painted as a 'taker' who has accepted gifts but withheld her grandchildren, if you return them you will be painted as ungrateful and depriving the kids of gifts meant for them. I have had every game played on me. It did stop in the end (for now). It is all done by them to gain a response and to disrupt. Like a power trip. I would give the gifts away and forget about them because I've done the situation where I've given the gifts to my DC and everytime you see them play with the gift it makes every painful memory come crashing back. Give no response to your mum, because any response people like that class as a 'win'.

@NoProblama

I do agree with you here. I understand what the poster means but I can't in good conscience expect my neighbours to stand in the middle and tell her no. Especially on days like today where their young daughter answered the door. It's not fair on them. The poster means well though and I think depending on relationship with your neighbour it could work, but not in my case.

Yes, to be fair I realise I was only thinking of my neighbours, who are all quite vulnerable.